The Chaser Report - The French Disconnection | Dylan Behan

Episode Date: September 23, 2021

If you've ever thought The Chaser Report didn't cover enough Canadian politics for you, Dylan Behan from News Fighters is here to solve all your problems with a depth analysis of the recent Canadian election. Lachlan gives Craig Kelly's latest UAP advertisement the Gruen treatment, and Dom and Gabbi give the France/Australia tension a new romantic analogy. Plus Bec brings you all the latest Chaser headlines. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This episode is brought to you by the United Australia Party. Nothing unites Australia like a shared seething hatred for a f***ing mining billionaire. Thank you for uniting us, Mr Palmer. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chase of Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report for Friday the 24th of September 2021. Hello, Gabby Bolt. Hello, Domite. We meet again. We meet again. I'm glad we have. I'm glad we managed to make a time to record

this podcast today because people don't always return calls, do they? Sometimes you get to know someone, you maybe do a business deal, and then things turn sour and they won't even return your calls, Gabby. Yeah, it sucks being ghosted, doesn't it? And that's what's happened between Scott Morrison and the French president, Emmanuel Macron, who will not return his calls. He's so pissed about the submarines that he's not even calling Scott Morrison back. Now, I mean, admittedly, that is an understandable response to being called by Scott Morrison, is it not? I was going to say, I don't think I'd call Scott Morrison in the first place. Yeah, no, I wouldn't be calling him back, but anything.

He doesn't hold a phone, mate. I mean, I guess if you were the CEO of Pfizer, you'd call him back a couple of times, wouldn't you, just to try and make sure that he didn't completely screw up? I think actually it would be the opposite way around. Scott would be ignoring Pfizer's calls. That's true. What do you do?

I mean, in this situation, I never made calls to members of the opposite sex when I was single. I was so hopeless. So I don't know what it's like not to be called back by someone you have a thing for. Well, I mean, there are a few options that Scott has here. He can try texting. He could text. He could text, couldn't he?

Yeah, he could text. He could hit up the president. Instagram, you know, do a little bit of the couple of like swarms and then sort of send an inbox and hope for the bears. A flower is still a thing in Twitter? Could he send flowers? I don't know if they'd survive. You had a French florist, although the French florist probably wouldn't take his call in Paris.

Maybe not. If all of that fails, then he just needs to do like a really big gesture. Like he just needs to fly over there to the president's residence. That's good. And then just hold up a boombox playing, you know, working class man or something. That would be great or maybe Hope for the best

Maybe a little bit of Jeune Regretria That's probably not the right message Actually is it Some Edith P.F That'll get Anyone's pants Some Edith Piaf

I actually really Want to see that Scott Morrison just perched Outside the Ellizé Palace Just with the burn box Yeah I'm not going to leave Until you take

Hold it up It starts It starts raining You know It's not over It was never over If you're a bird I'm a bird

Couldn't we just buy Both lots of subs Can't we just have both I think we just need Nicholas Sparks to resolve this, the classic romance author. No one ever needs Nicholas Sparks, Gabby. Yeah, no, Nicholas Sparks, a couple extra $100,000 for a movie and Rachel McAdams, and we'll have this whole situation sort of out.

I like your vision. Thank you. On today's show, Loughlin takes a look at Craig Kelly's massive ad campaign, funded, of course, by Clive Palmer. And Dylan Bayan comes on the podcast from the Newsfighters podcast to talk about Canada's ferocious, Dom, ferociously friendly politics. Oh, it sounds so sweet and dripping in maple syrup. In a moment, though, we'll take you to Rebecca Day and Emuno in the Chaser Newsroom.

Thank you for your patience. Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore? FIS is 100% online, so you can make the switch in minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply. Details at fizz.ca. The US government is increasingly concerned that they're being replaced by China as the world's foremost superpower.

Now that China's biggest development firm is on the verge of collapse, China could soon take over the US's role as the world's primary GFC creator. Scott Morrison has currently locked himself in his chambers with a big tub of ice cream listening to someone like you by Adele. When questioned whether his current personal crisis was triggered by Macron not answering his calls, the Prime Minister responded by telling reporters they wouldn't understand. The Sky News editorial board has changed the way they refer to Dan Andrews from dictator to Demon after he clearly demonstrated his mastery of the dark arts by conjuring an earthquake to silence the brave Melbourne freedom protesters. Peter Credlin has claimed that Demon Dan's next policy goal is to play a soft, on his ornate, mystical flute that will turn cow's milk into sulphur.

Those are the latest headlines from The Chaser Report. I'm Rebecca de Unamuno. This episode is brought to you by the United Australia Party. We're the only party in Australia dedicated to free speech. And if you disagree with that, then we'll sue you, allegedly. Okay, so Lachlan is here to bring us up to speed on the latest Craig Kelly Adventure. Hello, Lachlan. Hey, Dom, how are we doing, guys?

I just wanted to come in because I love ads, you know. I love the craft of them, the humor, the psychology, all of that grew and crap. But I hate when an ad is too desperate. You know what I mean? When it just shows up too much on TV. Last night, I was watching television, and there was this one ad that just kept replaying and replaying and replaying. And I was hoping you guys could help me figure out what it was for. Oh, right.

Okay. I am leading the United Australia Party at the next federal election. The United Australia Party will stand candidates for every seat in the House of Representatives and the Senate. Have you guys heard about this guy, you know? No. He's the one who you've received a billion texts from and now is running a billion ads as well. Oh, my stalker. Oh, I thought that was my boyfriend.

Oh, don't we all wish? We all wish we could be in the relationship spot. that Clive Palmer and Craig Kelly are in at the moment. Although, to be fair, given the UAP's past track record on vetting candidates, you could probably both be UAP candidates. I assume you just fill out of form when they run you in the election. Yeah, it's like a talent contest where everyone wins. For anyone who's not aware,

it looks like Clive Palmer's trying to get ahead of the curve again with his election ad campaign, this time with brand-new frontman, Craig Kelly. I've got to say that the ad feels a little off. There's something wrong with it. Morally, or you don't think it's effective? Because we know that Craig Kelly does things that are morally wrong quite often, like spam the shit out of us, but do you think it doesn't work as an ad? Well, so this is the thing that I'm talking about.

You know how Clive ran millions and millions of ads of he were in the posters were everywhere last election? Yeah, yeah. It looks like he's lining up to do that all over again, this time with Craig's face instead of his own. I love that he's not even bothering to run. Like, still wants to spend all the money to protect his mining empire by re-electing the coalition, but get him to do it. We'll talk about the money in a second.

But first I want to sort of talk about the, the psychology of this ad. I'm no relationship master, but it feels a lot like a post-breakup kind of campaign. Oh, which I guess it is, right? Craig's just left the Liberals. He's still getting over them. He's hooked up with a new rebound party. But he keeps mentioning his ex, and it's very toxic stuff. Give it a listen.

The Coalition destroys your rights and freedoms. Liberal and Labor have destroyed our economy. We can never trust liberal. or Labor again. Poor Craig, he's clearly not over them. Yeah. It's not exactly great for a CV. Yeah.

My favourite thing about it is that in all of the ads, he always throws to Labor at the end. It's very much a, oh, you can never trust liberal or Labor ever again. Like, he's forgotten to mention them until right at the end of his sentence. I just think it's kind of like when a boyfriend and girlfriend break up

and then the guy goes around calling the girl crazy to all of his mates. Oh, my goodness. That's what it's like. that. Yeah. But in reality, the girl's never actually crazy. It's just that he needed a reason to say that it didn't work out.

I mean, it's not a term I'd be using, if I were Craig Kelly, in this situation, given what he thinks about I ever make them, but that's all right. Well, now, I actually got to say, my issue with the ad isn't the internal politics of it. It's actually an issue of density in that it doesn't follow the rules of advertising. Rule one, make you pitch quick, get out fast. Most TV ads go for about 15, 30 seconds, is that right? Yeah, I assume so. Guess how long this one goes for?

Oh, 40 seconds? Well, I would have thought five seconds was too long, but... It's a full minute. What? How much money does Clive Power have? Now, this isn't your not happy Jan or any of your songs. There's no craft or humor in it. It's just one minute of Craig Kelly straight down the camera.

Oh, my God. So they didn't spend any money actually making it interesting or appealing. If you think Craig Kelly's an idiot, 30 seconds more than the normal amount is not going to change your mind. Well, it's not just 30 seconds. I'll tell you about the money. Last night when I was watching TV, on my own, just an evening of television, I saw this ad across channels seven times. Oh my God. Now, I ran the numbers here on primetime ad money.

Your average network 30 second ad for prime time costs $20,000 to air. This ad ran seven times. Bear in mind, it's twice as long as normal ads. So Clive Palmer spent at least, and I'm low-balling, $250,000 just last night. I mean, part of me is absolutely appalled by this perversion of democracy by money, and part of me thinks does you want to advertise on a podcast? Well, actually, the worst part about this whole thing is we've just given them five full free minutes of advertising. Oh, shit.

Dom, I've got you back there. I went to the liberty of sending the UAP and invoice directly for $250,000. Oh my gosh, we're finally not bankrupt anymore. I can't believe you sold our money problems again, Loughlin. I mean, that's true. Given the very slapdash nature of the UAP, like recruiting people, Clive will probably just pay. Well, that's exactly what I'm hoping they do.

But if they ignore me, I've always got Craig's number. Thank you for your patience. Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore? FIS is 100% online, so you can make the switch in minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply. Details at FIS.ca.

The Chaser Report, news you can't trust. Now, the whole time we've been making this podcast, Gabby, there's been a glaring oversight. We've never discussed Canadian politics. I'm disappointed you haven't brought it. up before. Dom, I'm hardly well-versed in Australian politics. Well, my wife is Canadian. She has a Canadian passport. Oh, lovely. And yet we never, ever discuss Canadian politics. So given that they've just had an election, Dylan Bayne of the Newsfighters podcast, is going to fill us in on what's

happened in the campaign. And maybe there's some messages for us ahead of next year's election here. Hey, Dylan. Good-day, Dom. Good day, Gabby. How are you going? Yes, it's the federal election. I don't know if you heard it barely, I don't even think you've got to mention on the commercial news here, but Justin Trudeau got re-elected in Canada this week. His Liberal Party, one re-election. Now, very confusing for us Australians because the Liberal Party there is their left-wing party, like the Labour Party.

Oh, okay. So when everyone says the Liberals got re-elected, it's the centre-left party. Come on, Canada. Can't you get your labels, right? It's very weird. Yeah, come on. So the Liberals in Canada are like our Labor Party

except with a charismatic leader and they win elections. Very different, very different. Actually, to be fair, our Labor Party doesn't represent workers either. So maybe we need to change our labels. Yeah, so Trudeau won 148 out of the 338 seats in Parliament, basically getting the same result as last time, which has made everyone... All that money and no change. Good on you, Justin.

Yeah, everyone's like, why did you bother with this? It was an interesting campaign. Two of the issues that were quite big were $10 a day childcare was Trudeau's big policy announcement that many say got him across the line, which I think Dom could probably do with right now. Oh, honestly, the amount of times Frozen's come up in the back of this series, yeah. Ten bucks is a bargain. I will pay $100, I'll pay $1,000 at this point in the pandemic to get child care. I mean, yeah, I mean, $10 a day childcare. I think he just wants Canadians to have more sex, I think, or something.

And good for them. Although that probably wouldn't be good for the childcare industry. Oh, actually, it'd be great for the childcare industry, but just... No, it'd be booming. The economy's about to come through. I wonder if I can send my kid to Canada to get $10 a day childcare. I might look into that. She'll get her a passport. A bit of a long commute. It wasn't a completely flawless campaign for Trudeau, though. The pandemic was a big year. issue. There are a lot of failures in aged care and nursing homes. And I think at the debate, he lost the vote of one woman with this remark. What if tomorrow you had to place a family member

in a long-term care facility? Would you do it? Beginning with you, Mr. Trudeau, Mr. O'Till, Mr. Blanchett, you may jump in. Tomorrow is my mom's 73rd birthday. So that is certainly something we're reflecting on, but she's doing wonderfully right now. We won't have to make that decision right now. Don't worry, Mom. Happy birthday. You can just hear him backpedaling halfway through and just going, wow, I'm in such trouble the next time we have family dinner. Yeah, he's definitely trying. I would keep my door locked if I was his mother right now.

And the other big issue that came up for Trudeau and on the campaign in general was vaccine mandates, which will wind up being a big issue here. A lot of people out on the campaign trail, a lot of right-wingers were protesting Trudeau's vaccine mandate stance. Here's a clip of some protests. were ugly moments, gravel thrown by vaccine opponents and others. Anti-vaccine protesters yelling and swearing. Oh, Friudu! A rat Trudeau! A brass Trudeau!

A Brack him up! You f*** bull go to hell! And all those people have now been offered jobs in the Melbourne Construction Institute. I was going to say, that's not very Canadian? Not very polite, no. No. Throwing gravel low, it's like that is like a Canadian Molotov cocktail.

Oh, really? I always thought a Canadian, like, ammunition at a protest would be like a donut or something from Tim Horton. Yes. Or surely snowballs all the time, anyway. He did have one policy, which sounded a little bit off to me. It didn't really make sense. Recovery one million jobs.

Tough anti-corruption laws. Yes, finally, he's going to bring corruption under control in that very corrupt country of Canada. Wow. That sounds like a federal ICAC. It's crazy. I mean, the only time I associate Canada with corruption is every time Justin Bieber wins a Grammy. Speaking of anti-vaccin-utters, the conservative opposition leader, Erin O'Toole, was trying to court the vote of anti-vaxes. He opposed vaccine mandates.

And his campaign also had some protesters, though they weren't really sure who he was because he was so new. He's a protester protesting against him. Congratulations, Mr. White Man. Yes, just the one. I mean, didn't know. know his name. That's usable in just about every election in the history of the world, right? Like in Canada or Australia. Every conservative everywhere. Yes. That works. I want to bring that up in every argument I ever have from now. I think we should just put

that on a button so that Gabby can just go hit it. Congratulations, Mr. White Man. Mr. White Man. Dylan, thank you so much for joining us. I didn't know any of that about Canada. And now I'm well informed that it is a socialist wonderland. And Gabby and I would like to say to you, congratulations, Mr. White Man. Thank you. Thanks for having me on Tom and Gabby. The News Fathers podcast is available in your feed. Check it out. It's always full of heaps of clips and analysis and comedy about what's happening in the news. Thank you for your patience.

Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore. FIS is 100% online so you can make the switch in minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply. Details at FIS.C. This episode is brought to you by the United Australia Party. Check your phone.

We've sent you another 100 unsolicited text messages since you started listening to this podcast. Hey Dom, you know what day it is. It's Friday. It's a Friday. And we get to read out the reviews. Because I don't know why we do this. Is it validation? Is it fun?

It is both fun, validating and most importantly helping to encourage our listeners to review us on Apple podcast because that helps out. algorithm. It makes us look good in the eyes of, I don't know, the podcast gods. Oh, some of them are funny. There's been some really good reviews this week, some really cool ones. The first one says, great podcast. It's from somebody called Action Pete. And it says, happy 69th, Furthi. Thanks for the great daily hit of comedy gold and bringing me all the important news that we need on the podcast. Makes the commute seem so much shorter listening to this great podcast. Thanks. Oh, the smiley face. But the most important part of that, of course, is happy 69th, Furthi. He looks good for 69, doesn't he? No. Oh, this one's a little bit critical.

Kitty Mayhem, five stars of middle-lib, but she says, telehealth. Great telehealth, but, but for the love of God, duodenum is pronounced duodenum. Yeah, look, in a sketch, there was a duodenum in there. Yeah, well, we're not doctors, despite how much we voice them. Yeah, we're not doctors. Don't take your medical pronunciation advice from a podcast. Brilliant.

Yatrafan says, I love it. Laugh out loud every episode. Thanks, heaps, guys. That's awkwardly positive. Now, this is a nice one from Nickname, long-time listener, first-time reviewer. I've been here so long that I own all the seasons of Chases War and everything on DVD. Well, played, Sir or a madam.

Turns out if you listen to the daily episodes in reverse chronological order, you can hear the COVID numbers going down. It's very comforting. Thanks, team. That's a great point. I've never thought about it like that. Do it in the right order. And it'd be like 50 or something a day.

Perfect. Add yours at Apple Podcasts. We read them out every Friday. There's just one more mysterious one here called So What, Gabby, that I'm a bit intrigued by. Oh. Again, with jokes about Hamish's wazoo, from that bit, I don't listen to your podcast at all.

Best, Andy. Oh, a little bit of tension? I suspect it's actually just another person pretending to be homish and Andy, the way we did earlier in the year. Oh, look, it's fine. One day we'll get the real ones. One day. Yes, it does help us if you leave a review.

Please do that. Also, subscribe or follow the podcast in your app of choice. That is enormously helpful to us too. Our gear is from road microphones and we're part of the Acast Creator Network. Catch you next week. See you later.