The Chaser Report - The Grave Barrier Reef | Sami Shah

Episode Date: June 22, 2021

Today we explain why the Great Barrier Reef isn't "endangered" like those UNESCO whingers say, the PM didn't plan a hypocritical tourist visit, and Sydney and Melbourne should stop fighting each other and pick on Brisbane. And if that wasn't enough, we throw in a Norwegian sexual position known as "koala clamping". Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report for Wednesday the 23rd of June. Before we start, Charles, an apology and a promise. What? There was a lot of Barnaby Joyce in yesterday's episode. Yeah, we're definitely not doing that again. We're not doing it today. There will be no Barnaby, no Michael.

Why did we mention Michael McCleback? Even the Nationals. Don't want to talk about him. Man, I was bored listening to that podcast. And normally you're very entertained by yourself. Anyway, Dom, I've got some good news. Okay, good. Which is, I am going to become incredibly rich.

That's fantastic. Yes. Can you invest in this podcast? So my 12-year-old came downstairs last night, and he announced that he wants to go into cryptocurrency trading. He's going to become a cryptocurrency trader. Wow. Yes.

Did you tell him about the story about how Dad had a couple of bitcoins that he mined in the early days and, lost the hard drives? Yeah, yeah. Now worth 500 grand? No, he knows that. No, yeah, I reckon I've got a thousand Bitcoin sitting somewhere. What?

Yeah, in my hard drives. Because back when I was mining it, this was real early days. It was like 40 cents per Bitcoin. That's $7 million. How do you find them? No, I looked. I really did. I looked everywhere for them.

I've got like literally about 100 hard drives. We had a big project on when we're doing it. So we're using about 30 computers to mine it. A thousand bitcoins is $70 million, actually. I've lost it, Dom. I've lost it. I can't believe it. I can't say you never had it.

Right, but your son's going to sort it out and restore the first family fortune. Yeah. So his idea is he's going to invest $50 of pocket money on the market. And every time he makes like $20 out of that, he's going to put away $10 into his savings and then reinvest the other 10, which means that over time, he'll have millions of dollars. Yeah, assuming that cryptocurrency keeps going up and out exponentially.

But this is still happening. I heard an interview on The Daily, the New York Times podcast yesterday with a guy who just put all of his life savings into Dogecoin, and it went massively, massively up, and he was worth millions and millions and millions. Since then, it's dipped massively, and he's probably lost it all again.

Have you told your son that cryptocurrencies can go down as well as up? I did say to him, you have to be prepared to lose all your money. And he's even fine with that. And then I realized, oh, wait a minute, all his money is all my money. Just tell him, if he finds the hard drives where the $70 million of Bitcoin's are buried, he can have like $10. He can have $30, I reckon.

So isn't that good news? So I'm probably going to be quitting the podcast at the end of the week because I'll just be so incredibly rich. Yeah, the best thing to do is to buy the Lamborghini now. Yeah. And you've got to tell him there's going to be a crypto billionaire. He's got to keep saying, the moon.

Yeah, that's what, I don't know what that means. And stonks. Stonks. Stonks. And hoddle instead of hold. What are we got on the show today? Your son's going to be incredibly annoying in a week's time. Is it Barnaby Joyce?

No. No, no, no, no, Michael McCormack. If Michael McCormack rings up and offers to do a tell-hall interview about all of his life and all of his dirty secrets, no. Yeah. Shut up Michael McCormack in advance. But if Barnaby Joyce does that. Actually, that's true.

I wouldn't know whether. pregnant bodies. No, no. I'm located. Coming up on the show, we're talking about the barrier reef. And Scott Morrison's completely innocent trip to Cornwall. Charles, a lot of people have been getting stuck into the PM. I'm going to defend him.

Plus, we're talking to Sammy Shah, who's in a bit of a gloating mood about how Melbourne's going compared to Sydney. Oh, yeah, this is our friend who we got on the podcast like three times, talking about how shit the Melbourne lockdown was. Yeah. Okay. Revenge is going to be swears. Wait for Sammy. But first of all, let's go to Rebecca Day and Mnobino in the Taser newsroom.

Barnaby Joyce has been officially sworn in as acting Prime Minister today at a swearing-in ceremony at Government House, with most of the swearing being provided by Barnaby himself. The new acting head of government, who has previously gone on the record demanding less government in his life, has said he's cleared his desk to make sure he's got plenty of room for day-to-day affairs. The government has received praise for handing over crucial evidence in relation to an alleged rape that happened in Parliament House after they covered it up for two years. The decision is a major step forward for female staffers

who can now rest easy knowing if they report sexual assault, it will only take two years of cover-ups, them losing their job, millions in taxpayer-funded empathy training, a media storm, six months of protests and an intervention by the Prime Minister's wife to get the government to consider doing something. One Nation leader Pauline Hansen has today successfully

passed a motion in the Senate, banning schools from discussing Australia's racist history. The move has, however, backfired, with schools now forced to remove any mention of Pauline Hansen from their curriculum. That's the latest news you can't trust for The Chaser Report. I'm Rebecca Dayunamuno. This episode of The Chaser Report is brought to you by Sydney's lockdown. Coming soon. At this rate, anyway.

Lockdown. Now, you may have seen yesterday that UNESCO has come out and slammed the Australian government for its management of the reef and put it on the Endanger List, which means that it may even lose its World Heritage listing. Well, it makes sense that if there's no longer a reef there, there's nothing to protect. But, Dom, UNESCO's got it all wrong. Oh, they've got it all wrong. They've got it all wrong.

Because it's a backflip, Dom. It's a backflip. Oh, I hate it. Backflips. See, UNESCO said that we needed to do more about climate change in order to protect the reef, right? Yeah. And we're not doing it. But now they've decided that the reef is going to die as a result of our inaction.

Right. Which means that it's a total backflip. Because if you think about it... I'm trying to think about it. It wasn't listed as in danger when we weren't doing anything about climate change before. Right. But now we haven't changed our inaction at all. And now they've listed it in danger.

So it's a backflip. And the Environment Minister, Susan Lee, agrees with me. It is a backflip on previous assurances. It is a deviation from normal process. See? So the Great Barrier Reach's rapid decline. It's deviating from the normal processes. Well, Charles, I think also we've got to call out the backflip by the coral.

Yes. They've decided to stop living. They've decided to stop making a beautiful coral reef for us or to enjoy. This is the corals fault, Charles. All those little coral polyps, they should be ashamed of. themselves. We literally haven't done anything about climate change and now we're being called out for it, even though we weren't doing anything about climate change before and we weren't called out for it. Don't you see how illogical that is? It's so unfair. We should just be letting

nature take its course and superheating everything and making it all die. Leaving aside as this approach to climate change, Australia has... The gold standard best managed reef in the world and the UNESCO process is about states of conservation, about working with the international organisation and about appreciating the actions that individual countries are doing and we are doing so much with our Reef 2050 plan. So if you ignore the major cause of the Reef's decline, then we are doing a fantastic job. As long as you ignore that part of the whole picture, then we've got a gold standard world-class plan.

Yeah, when I think of gold Charles, I think of things that are inanimate. and just lying there dead extracted from the ground. So I think that's true. Just like the reef. So our house is on fire. Yeah. Right? So we're still pouring gasoline onto that fire.

That's fine. But you've got to ignore that part because over in our fire management team, we're doing a really good job. You know, ignore the fuel that we're pouring on it. The management of the house fire is actually world class. UNESCO have got it all around the wrong way, Dom. It's just all around the wrong way. And look, anyway, this isn't about the reef.

Oh, really? This is about the voters. Oh. And Susan Lee knows that. The point I want to make very strongly, particularly to our farmers, our fishes and our tourism operators along the reef, is that we're backing you. We know what you have done to work incredibly hard to demonstrate Australia's leading role in reef management.

We're backing you, Dom. We're backing the voters who are up there. Sure, we're destroying their wreath through in action on climate change but we're backing them. We're backing them to manage that decline really well. I really hope the tourism operators are grateful.

Is it like going to be a graveyard? What are they going to be selling in a few years' time? Well, presumably they'll sell more postcards because you won't be able to take photos yourself. Well, you'll be able to carve off bits at the reef that once existed and was alive. Yeah. I was taken home with you as a souvenir.

There's a whole range of options. But look, she did admit just for a brief sliver of a moment, that climate change was the problem. So yes, climate change is affecting the reef. I will certainly acknowledge that. And it's the single thing is threat. No question.

But this is not the forum in which to make a point about climate change. That forum is the United Nations framework for the Convention on Climate Change, not the UNESCO World Heritage Framework. The Great Barry Reef chose the wrong committee to bring up the complaints about it dying. It's the wrong committee. They've got the wrong committee.

Well, I really hope those coral are listening to Susan Lee because if the utter death and destruction and incredibly hot water had gone through the right committee, they'd been a bit of shit right now. Yeah, they really would. This episode of The Chaser Report is brought to you by lockdown, Bondi style. Why not quarantine the hipster way and do it before everyone else starts thinking it's cool? Now, Charles, I'm glad you defended the federal government over its handling of the reef there

because there are some more critics out there. criticising Scott Morrison for an innocent trip to visit the grave of his ancestors in Cornwall, which happened to be with a G7, was being held. But, no, I think the reason why they were criticising it is because nobody else is allowed to travel overseas and see their dead relatives, and yet Scott Morrison did exactly that and took our personal time, which was exactly what he's prevented all 25 million Australians from doing. No, no, that's a mischaracterisation. Charles, I wouldn't characterize that like that at all.

I would characterize it very differently as innocent. Don't listen to me. Let's listen to Ben Fordham, try and ask him a tough question, and look how brilliantly Scott Morrison responds. Just on your trip, it is being reported that your office spent weeks planning a G7 side trip to explore your convict family routes while you were arguing that Britain was too risky for Australian travellers. I'm guessing there'll be some people saying that this is double standards.

Oh, Ben, I think that's, and I wouldn't describe it like that at all. I mean, we had to land north of London as opposed to landing down there in Cornwall because of the fog. And we stopped off along the way. We had some lunch and stopped off on another location on the way. And on after the G7, on the way to the airport, we stopped in another place, which just happens to be where my fifth-grade grandfather was from. So I think it was pretty innocent. I think that's massively overstating it. Now, all those stops on the way, incidentally, were visits to separate pubs, beautiful old heritage pubs in the UK.

That was also very innocent, Charles. He was just going to the pub. But look, you heard what the Prime Minister said. There happened to be fog. And fortunately, his office had spent weeks preparing options for sightseeing around Cornwall and visits to the Grosiers' ancestors just in case there was fog. In case. Yeah. Yes.

I mean, who could have predicted fog in England? I mean, he had met with Karen Richards, according to the ABC, from the Senate. Kevern Local History Society who'd spent a while helping him trace his family roots just in case there was fog. He wasn't going to go there anyway, Charles. So you're saying it's total bullshit. That answer is total bullshit. No, there was fog. What part about the fog did you not hear? He also visited his church and he wrote in the visitors book, thanks for the kind, welcome to the place where my fifth great-grandfather happened to have been buried in. What a happy coincidence. I want to be like Scott Morris. His ability to just lie so convincingly.

It's innocent, Charles. What's not innocent about fog? When you visit a place, like I know you're going on holidays next week, I assume that you've arranged a contingency visit in the event of a tropical cyclone in Darwin so that you can travel to some sort of grave of some place where some Firth once got pissed in a street in Darwin, just in case. I now feel very ill-prepared, given that I haven't done that.

The point is, Charles, it's innocent. Right. The Chaser Report. Now asbestos free. Oh, prayer room. Perfect. Now I want to find us in here. Oh my God. Cori Bernardi. Nobody is not Cori Benardi. It is I. God. God? Heard my cattle. Why are you in Parliament? Technically on omnibundance done in every room.

Even in my office after hours on stripper Saturday? Especially then. Shit. How much will it cost to keep you quiet about that? Are you trying to bribe God through his silence? Aren't you Catholic? I thought that's how it works with them. Aren't you supposed to be babysitting? Where is Scott, anyway?

Scott's not actually in the moment. I'm acting Prime Minister for the next few days. You're saying I don't have to talk to Scott for a week? Yeah. Oh, thank me. That fog is in here every five minutes. Dear God, please give you your wisdom. Because it's detained.

See children or not? I mean, come on, Scott. Have you even read my book? Anyway, if I need my son, how long have I got you for? Just until Scott's out of quarantine, a couple of days. Hmm, do you want me to smite him? I can do it now, you know. Snap my fingers and he's a filler of salt.

But I thought you chose him to be P.N. Do you have any fucking clue how many imbecile's claimed to be my chooser ones? Speaking of which, I really need to address this Israel issue. Oh, the Middle East. No, for now. He's really ruining my brand. What's going on here?

Shit, the strippers. Like, guys, now's not the time. Oh, I'm the deep, what is it? Fire on these half-lamping people in here. Oh, this is just a prayer group that I've organised. Oh, goody, can I join? It's more of a private affair. Well, you're the boss.

I'm off. If anyone needs me, I'll be providing miracles to those who really need me. Starving kids. Hello, Jeff Beesops. And here he needs another million dollars. Diggles! So as Sydney goes into COVID chaos, Melbourne is emerging from it. Sammy, can you give us a few reassuring words that we'll all be fine?

I wish I could, Charles, but I just. feel like I don't want to lie to you. I don't want to give you promises that, you know, to quote Tom Cruise from Top Gun, I don't want to write checks my body can't cash. And I feel in this case, given that it is the quote unquote Delta variant. I think the fact that Sydney isn't going into full lockdown, everyone isn't crying, bitterly, just, you know, absolutely hating their lives, wishing that they moved to another state or city and questioning every life decision that led them. them here, proves to me that Sydney doesn't understand how to handle COVID. Right. You're supposed to ruin your life over this. You're not supposed to put on a mask and roam around willy-nilly. That's ridiculous and entirely selfish. But if it works, though, Sammy, isn't it a better approach?

It's not about what works and what doesn't work. That's got nothing to do with it because, realistically speaking, if it worked, we would have at their vaccine by now. What it's about really is just what makes other people in Australia judge you more. What makes other people in Australia feel superior to you? It's something that Melbourne has selflessly given the rest of the country. Over your year now, we've given you an opportunity to feel very briefly like you are better than Melbourne, something very few states or cities have ever had an opportunity to experience.

And Sydney has now been given the same opportunity. to show that selflessness, to share that lack of pride with other states and cities and instead Sydney is just showing us how to do it right? No full lockdown, just a few masks and you're going to contain it? How the hell are we here in Melbourne? Forget us. How are people in Perth supposed to feel superior to Sydney if you take that away from them? Right. So we really should just be in a panic about how terrible you are. Sammy, I wanted you to come to this conversation condescending, but you're actually still self-deprecating. But this is very weird.

Well, I mean, because, look, I don't want to get dragged into that whole conversation of like, what's better, Melbourne or Sydney. Melbourne does ha, ha, ha, and Sydney does he, he, he. And in Melbourne, we wear our pants backwards. And Sydney, you put them on your heads. No one cares. As long as Queensland exists, we've all got a mortal common enemy. What we should be doing is taking everyone who has COVID,

particularly the Delta variant, sending them to Queensland and then closing the borders. So it kind of just World War Z style, just chaos and then eventually ethnic cleansing. I'm not sure Queensland isn't ethnicity, but I feel like it is. That's what we should be doing. And I want nothing more than my Sydney brothers and sisters to join me in this crusade. Right, okay. So the ethnicity of Queenslander, that would include what, Pauline Hanson, Clive Palmer. Bobcatter, Matt Danavan.

I mean, Queenst has been given many opportunities to show that they can be trusted with modern civilization, democracy, just the tenets of liberalism. And they have time and time again told us that they are savages who need to be put down. And I, for one, feel that we've had enough. It's time that Sydney and Melbourne banded together, invaded Brisbane, took over and started afresh. Okay, well, perhaps as first part of that plan to band together, maybe we should send you some of our Delta variant that we've got up here, just so that you know what it's like to... With Melbourne, you don't even need to put an effort into it.

You know eventually it'll get here regardless. Some idiot will decide that they want to play a game of craps at the Crown Casino in Melbourne and they'll come across here, or they just want to know what it feels like to have ramen at 3 o'clock in the morning and move here, and then we'll all go. go back into lockdown and everything. Don't worry about us. Sydney, that's the thing I like about Sydney. It's so selfless in how it's willing to share its COVID with the rest of the states. But somehow, that never really goes where it should go and just ends up in other

inadvertent areas. Well, that's great. Thank you for those kind and sort of inspiring plan. I really feel like this is your chance, Sydney. This is your chance to step up to show the rest of Australia that you care as well about our future, about our well, about our well, being by somehow exporting this to Queensland and letting their just devastation run free in that godforsaken state. Okay, cool. Thanks very much, Sammy. Speak again next week.

All right, absolutely. See you. Cheers. This episode of The Chaser Report is brought to you by Melbourne's lockdown. After a virally successful run, now coming soon to Sydney. Just before we go, Charles, have you ever done the clamping koala? I don't even know what that is. Well, what you need to do is read these.

sex guide produced by Norway's public broadcaster, which has pictures of 60 separate sexual positions, one of which is called the clamping koala. You kind of a side by side and your legs kind of in its one. It's very complicated. The point is, why is the ABC not producing sex guides for Australians? The point is, Dom, why do you know this? What did you Google? The great thing is, it's on the Guardian homepage because it's about a public broadcaster,

so I thought, oh, our audience will like this. But there's no koalas involved Because I imagine That would be illegal Coalas are very Have these claws Does it involve Like long fingernails?

Well also they have syphilis Don't they? So you'd be If you clap a koala too tightly You'll just get syphilis from it Okay Can I just have that computer Okay

I've got to go now Can you wipe my computer When you're done This guy looks very intriguing You can find more news Atchaser.com dot a u follow us on all the socials please leave us a five-star review with the code phrase clamping koala and google it at your own peril we'll catch you tomorrow our gears from

road microphones and we are part of the a cast creator network also don't forget we're coming to the melbourne podcast festival uh the sunday the first of august yes and buy tickets now i have no idea how you buy tickets just put melbourne podcast festival we'll be more organized for this plug later but it's happening so come along yep see out Thank you.