The Chaser Report - The Joe Rona Experience | James Schloeffel

Episode Date: September 2, 2021

James Schloeffel of The Shovel drops in to make the podcast less depressing, a task which proves harder than he expected. American podcaster Joe Rogan has contracted Covid and Charles, Dom, and Gabbi are bewildered by his response. Plus Charles has a new story about his lockdown hairstyle conundrum Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This episode of The Chaser Report is sponsored by the NRA, Australia's premium roadside assist provider. For over 90 years now, no matter where you crash, the NRA of what? I missed a letter. Yeah, which one? Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome the Chaser Report for Friday, the 3rd of September 2021. Dom Knight here with Gabby Bolt and Charles Firth. Sad news today, guys.

Joe Rogan, the talk show host, who, you know, I think we all look up to as podcast. He's sort of really redefined. The world's most successful podcaster, tens of millions of dollars of income. And he does three-hour-long episodes and yet is still popular, which I think is a less than fast. But anyway. And talks through his ass, which is what we've been trying to do for months now. Months. Talk about years. I know.

I know. We've been spreading bullshit for so long. Yeah, look, he had this to say. Got tested and turns out I got COVID. So we immediately threw the kitchen sink out of all kinds of meds. Monoclonal antibodies, ivermectin, Z-Pack, prednisone, everything. So ivermectin, that's the one that I want to talk about. That's the horse dewormer one.

He said he is taking horse dewormer because he was throwing the kitchen sink at it. And he's claimed that he's bounced back as a result. He's never felt better. But this is the frustrating thing, that prednisone is the thing that you use. Like, he's actually taking the one that works. And so all the nutters are going to go, well, Joe, rogue, and took ivermectin and he was better.

It's not the fucking horsy-wormer. It's the steroid, which is the standard treatment for respiratory thing. Oh, what an end. Well, yeah, look, I've got a simpler theory than that, Don, which is that ivermectin is actually used on humans in rare occasions if you've got worms, right? So I reckon the thing is that probably the reason, reason why, because Joe Rogan, you know, he never looks that healthy.

Like, he sits there with his cigar and he sort of looks a bit sort of, I don't know, like he's on death's door. He's just sort of... His entire podcast studio looks like a kind of shitty dive bar. Yeah, yeah. Which would have worms in it, for sure. No, and also, the American, have you ever tasted American food? That's terrible.

Like, it would definitely be ridden with worms. So I reckon what's happened is, he's caught COVID, but he's got, you know, in the course of treating it, he's got rid of. of his worms. He's never felt better. Two birds, one stone. Yes, exactly. Two worms, one drug. There you go.

But the one thing that he didn't take to get rid of his COVID was the thing that everyone says you should take to stop yourself getting COVID, which is the vaccine, because this is what he had to say about the vaccine. If you're like 21 years old and you say to me, should I get vaccinated, I go, no. Yeah. Are you healthy? Are you a healthy person? Like, look, don't do anything stupid.

but you should take care of yourself you should if you're if you're a healthy person and you're exercising all the time and you're young and you're eating well and like I don't think you need to worry about this yeah I tend to agree with you so hang on how do you reconcile don't do anything stupid with don't get vaccinated that doesn't make that contradictory I've never met a 21 year old in my life who is healthy yes in one way or another we're all fucked um so speaking as a 25 year old who's had to endure four years of complete unhealthiness. Yes. Yeah. You've almost certainly got worms. You should

take Ivermectin. I'll go grab some ibemectin after the podcast. In today's episode, we're going to catch up with the shovels James Schleffel to find out what's going on in Melbourne and Charles explores the wonderful world of home hair cutting. But first of all, Gabby, what do we usually do? First, let's head to Rebecca Dayunamuno

in the Chase the Newsroom. Police fear that an illegal gathering of backpackers on a southeast Sydney beach has put New South Wales in grave danger in its fight against the virus. The police are turning to the community for any information regarding the 1,300 plague-ridden delinquents who were last seen parting with English flags at Botany Bay in 1788. The suspects are extremely dangerous

and public health modelling predicts that the consequences of this careless gathering could wipe out as much as 80% of Australia's current population. Controversial podcast host Joe Rogan has recently under fire from health professionals for his statements about COVID-19. In a recent Instagram video, Rogan told his audience that the virus was misunderstood and invited COVID onto his show for an intimate three-hour conversation. Ben Robert Smith has been found in contempt of court after recent revelations about his legal team's unconventional approach to exonerating him. The jury was told that Robert Smith's lawyers were personally in contact with Joe Biden and forced the president

to pull U.S. forces out of Afghanistan, frustrating the prosecutor's efforts to safely collect evidence. That's the latest Chaser News you can't trust. I'm Rebecca Deunamuno. This episode of The Chaser Report is sponsored by Anticipation. Princess Diana's death. We talk a lot about what's happening in Sydney and how crap it is. Let's instead talk about what's happening in Melbourne and how crap it is.

James Schleffel of the shovel joins us once again. Hello, James. Good day, Tom. Good day, Charles. It's an honour to be on this podcast again. I thought I just provide some context on why I'm here. Charles texted me yesterday saying, do you want to come on the podcast to talk about how shit everything is?

Yeah, I'm like Charles. And it just occurred to me that this podcast is, the opposite of a motivational podcast, isn't it? This is like a demotivational podcast. It's wallowing. This is where you come to listen if your life is just too good and you just want to make it

just a little bit shudder. Am I right? Well, except whose life is too good at the moment in the listing, in the audience? Well, probably people in Perth. Oh, yeah. Our listers in Perth are very low. Do you think, though, that there are people in Perth and Adelaide just tuning in to feel smart? I'm sure

that there are. That's what they're tuning in for? Yeah, let's get the Premier of W.A. on to gloat and then they'll all listen. James, you have a scornful attitude towards our depressive demeanour. It's actually very healthy from a mental health perspective. To winch. Well, I actually think that you've actually caught on to something quite profound there, Charles, because I actually said that as being positive. And this week, I've actually changed my whole mindset about this pandemic. You know how there's been this whole Victoria Visus New South Wales thing for months now? I'm going to lean into that, but I'm just going to reframe the whole thing. So now,

I think it's a race about who can get the most cases. We've known that for a while. You guys are winning, but we are quickly catching up. And I think for me and for my mental health, that's going to make it much more exciting for me. And I will care less about the numbers when it comes in and it's, you know, 500. In fact, I think that's great.

We're halfway there. I just think it's rubbing off on my mental health in different ways. Whereas, I mean, I just bought a complete set of hairdressing tools online. And one of those tools is a hair clipper. So by the end of the week, I might end up either with a cute little front side-bang situation or I could be bald. There is no in-between. And I don't know.

I think it'll just depend on how I feel. I might also get a bunch of hair kind of clipping gear because it's likely that the next 20 years of my career, I'm probably going to need to become a barber to earn money. That might make sense. Look, what I thought, because you've asked me to come on here to talk about how shit it is. So I thought, let's get a list together of some of the things that are shit. Number one, Scott Morrison. Can we talk about Scott Morrison for a second?

Because I don't think enough people are talking about Scott Morrison. I'm not even joking when I'm saying that. Because if you guys notice it, something has changed in the last few weeks. The national conversation, this prevailing narrative, is all of a sudden that Scott Morrison is this freedom fighter. Yes. That he's the person that's going to get us out of this mess. He's the person that put us into this mess. Not anymore.

It just drives me insane. That was the old narrative. The new narrative is it's the premiers who are holding back our freedom and Scott wants to unlock the cage or is it a cave? I'm not sure. We had our free. You go back to May, we had our freedom. Everything was opened up.

If he had concentrated on buying vaccines last year instead of covering up rapes and building car parts, we literally wouldn't be where we are now. But that's negative. That's looking backwards. Look forwards at the bright future where Scomo leads us to freedom and then wins an election. No, Scomo's all about looking backwards.

His favourite fucking movie is the crudes. That is very backwards. But my question is, do you think, because you're right, James, you're right, but do you think but do you think anyone will remember that at the next election? No. Isn't the whole point that they're just relying on the fact that the media has a three-second memory and then everyone else is going to not have a memory because they don't want to remember the lockdown from him?

He'll win it in a landslide, definitely. We've made this even more depressing. That's what you asked me to do. I don't think it was the best brief. I've read a lot of good jokes on the show. It's actually cheered me up this week, reading your website. Oh, really? Because there was some funny stuff on there.

And Charles, I think maybe we need to change the brief. Well, definitely people, if you listen to this podcast, you should head to theshabble.com.com. And that will be much more positive. One other thing that's pissed me off this week. I haven't got a text message from Craig Kelly yet. What? Are you going either?

I only got the first one. A friend woke up to one this morning. I feel very excluded. Your time will come. There's only one million a day he can send or something. You know, there's technical limitations. Don't worry, James. It means that I haven't been able to do that funny little message back that everyone's doing

that he will never see because it's sent out by a computer. Have you auditioned a few options? What's your, yeah, what is your reply going to be? Oh, I don't know. Until I get it, I won't have the inspiration to do it. But it looks like it's quite cathartic. I think the thing I'm going to do, if I, God forbid, ever get one from World's sexiest nationals leader, Craig Kelly, is I think I want to send back like a video.

Like, I know it's a computer, but like I like the idea that I could make an entire Bachelorette audition video and send it back and be like, here's why I should stop texting people and just go on the Bachelor, Craig. I think this podcast has this hit the depths of depressingness. That's the worst. But it would be great TV. I just want to see all of them dumped in the Big Brother house with someone who's got COVID, with only Ivermectin available.

and live stream the whole thing, and I want to see what happens. It'll be Lord of the Flies, basically. At least no one in that household would end up having worms at the end of it. Can we just mention that there is actually somebody whose job it is to hold Scott Morrison to account and to actually stand up and say, no, no, this is what's going on. His name is Anthony Albanyese. I've ever heard about this, Charles. Have you heard this guy?

So he's called the opposition leader, right? And what he's supposed to do is opposed to. oppose the government. Why? Yeah, I don't really know much about him, but don't you reckon it would be cool if, you know, I think maybe if he sort of said something or... He could, but I thought that the thing that was providing opposition to Scott Morrison was statistics, like reality and, you know, consequences.

That's his whole strategy, that's Anthony Albanese's strategy, apparently, is to sort of get out of the way so that reality bites, but... Yeah, well, they're ahead in the poll, but... But I think they've still got time to fuck it up. And I think... Yes, how are they going to do that? How are they going to do it? And I think that's what they're meeting about now, is they're saying, you know,

we're kind of six percentage points ahead. What are all the weird and wonderful ways that we can fuck up this election campaign between now and whenever the election is? You know what they haven't done federally, Labor? And I want to get them credit for this. They haven't yet. And we talk about the New South Wales disease and, you know, sacking your leaders and all that. They haven't had the other New South Wales disease, which is where every single frontbencher,

one week after the other has a massive scandal. Some of them are revealed to be long-term paedophiles, whatever it is, and there's literally no one left. I want to say that. That would be very entertaining. Still time, Don. There's still time. I just made it more depressing, didn't I?

I just made it even more depressing. The Chase Report is sponsored by How I Met Your Mother, nine seasons of, Oh, Dad, how'd you a mum meet? To the payoff of, she's dead. Now, guys, got a little bit of a problem. Another one. So all week, my wife has been looking up YouTube videos to learn how to clip hair.

Because I've got an old razor from years ago. And, you know, all week I've been sort of toying with the idea, maybe it's time to just get rid of the lockdown here and have a buzz cut. Or maybe even just get rid of it completely. Because as my hair has gone through lockdown, it sort of puffed out at the site and really exposed the fact that there's just not a huge amount going on on top. Oh, Charles. That's what happens. It's the worst thing about hair loss that they don't tell you.

It's not just that you get bald. It's the other bits get tufty. It's hell. By the end of the week, Amanda was pretty clear that she reckoned she know how to pull off a good haircut. I've been doing the same thing. And so we sat down last night on a chair in the bathroom, got the towel around me.

And just as Amanda was about to do the first slide up my hair, yeah, my 10-year-old Angus bounces in. And goes, can I have a go? Oh, no. And he takes the clippers. And without, like, this all happens within about one and a half seconds. He just starts grabbing the top of my skull, like very, very scarce hair right at the top. And just starts clipping all that because it's really easy to clip that.

And within about five seconds, I'm basically bald on top now. I was wondering about the two tufts and the bald part. No, that's, yes. So if you imagine a monk, Like a monk with a tonsia, like that big bald bit in the middle with the ring. But a couple of tufts in front of it. That's what your hair looks like now, Charles. Just so Amanda, Amanda had told me her whole strategy, which was, you know, really.

Back and sides. And then you leave it all on top. And then it looks like you've actually got a full head of hair. Yeah. And it's the exact opposite. And it's sort of patchy, patchy patch. It looks good. It does not look good.

I mean, I've been looking at you on Zoom, Charles. And I've been wanting, because I know. knew Amanda cut your hair because she posted it on Instagram and I didn't want to say anything because I just thought she'd done such a spectacularly bad job. And now it all makes sense. It was a prank by your son. But so we've got this very important Zoom meeting this afternoon with essentially the 100 top media buyers in Australia, right? For people who don't know, media buying is the art of buying ads on podcasts and things like that. So it's basically make or break for this podcast that that meeting go well, right?

And Dom and I are supposed to turn up and sort of be all charming for 20 minutes and make them all think, oh wow, these are such good-looking people that we should ever do it. And then I've got to turn up like this on the Zoom call. But on the bright side, I now know how we're going to begin the conversation

just by explaining why you look so ridiculous. It's a segment for the podcast. No, no, no. I've actually got a strategy. My wife gave it to me and she just said, just have the camera from below. No. So I won't look bald, I'll just look fat.

No, you don't look bald. You just look like a porn director. That's true. A whole new light there, Charles. I miss that's the kind of media that they're buying. Yeah. I don't know what we're hired on the basis of. Only chat.

Maybe you set up an only fans account. That's the way to go. What could that be called? No fans, I think would be the name for it. This episode of The Chaser Report is sponsored by Hot Singles in your area. We have over 3,2,809 women on server waiting you for. Enter credit card details for no payment and get started now. Before we go, it's time to read some of the reviews from Apple Podcasts.

And I'm particularly looking forward to this, Charles and Gabby, because most of these deal with the period when I was on holiday. Yeah, and I'm a bit worried. Do we even have any? Because Charles and I completely forgot to ask people to write them most of the time. Well, bizarrely enough, there are a few. I think we did a big pitch last Friday for them. And so some people jumped on board. How about this one? How about a moratorium on and then it's four stars? And the reason that she, Mary 1919, deducted a star is because it's riddled with likes. All but one presenter have the like virus and many of the guests also a single moment. meaningless word repeated over and over in every sentence. So I'm glad that the ABC listeners have found the podcast.

I'm sick of this argument. Do you want to know why? Like has become a part of the youth idiolact. It is fully in our vocabulary. Anyone who knows the word idiolect, which I've never heard before in my life, is allowed to use the word like. These are the people who used to send me texts on radio, and they still do it.

I got one this year saying, you can't say, oh, it's not a letter. It's a number. You need to say zero. My response would be, wow, you must be so much fun at parties. Well, thanks for saying that about my mum. The next one, Charles, do you want to read? Cannot put it better than always worth a listen, five stars. Isn't that nice?

Yeah, that's nice. I wake up with today, not, says all added out. Five stars, fantastic. Have you a lot back. Loving the actual journalism that you've added. Oh, shucks. I just remember homeschooling is awesome. Yeah, that is basically, it's spelt.

This is all spelt phonetically, which means it's not spelt properly at all, Which obviously means this person has been homeschooled Because that's basically not poo Oh, there you go There's a win Oh, that was when I said that the clue should surely be poo Because we were talking about whose poo was who Great podcast, funny look at the world, 100% not poo

Oh look, there's a nice one for you Gabby Oh, this is nice from N3L3D I think it's called NELD NILD Picnics and Fruitcake, five stars I feel sad that Gabby has never enjoyed A Lovely Picnic or Delicious Fruitcake Picnic's in the early spring sunshine

and a grassy park Maybe you need some water with booze and friends Bliss! And my grandma makes the best fruit cake Oh and great podcast Sound like a nice person, do they? Yeah, I mean, I can't get on board with anyone who enjoys fruit cake

But I do appreciate the lovely sentiment of the message I think Neld is actually attacking you By wanting you to have a picnic Yeah, I know. It's just because I hate everything. Hang on, can I just point out The next review by Kayla, also five stars, says that fruit cake was created

So you can consume more alcohol in the day, especially at family Christmas. Are you on board now, Gabby? Now I'm on board. You've finally given me a reason to not hate the cake as much. Very good. And the next one from Alex Trinders says exactly the same thing. Fruitcake basically just exists.

So my grandmother can drink scotch and eat brandy at the same time. Nice. Okay, well, okay, now I get it. Now I get what they're all on about with the fruit cake. Yep, it's a good route. That's why when people call someone a fruit cake, well, actually, I mean, they're sozzled with brandy. I think we should go straight to marshmallow oak shield.

Thank you, Marshmallow. Five star, bright star in my week. I used to love the TV show as a kid. Same. Marshmallow, Oak Shield. And wasn't sure about a podcast without a lot of the cast. But having listened to it, I am now convinced the OG show was just Charles running back and forth very quickly and talking to himself. Oh, isn't that nice?

I think. Either that or it's a delve into your inner psyche. Using an electric scooter because Charles can't run that fast even 10 years ago. Thanks, mate. Great guests, the kindergarten are also funny. That's you, Gabby. I think you're the kindergarten. Am I the kindergartner?

I'll take it. But then it is, hopefully the interns realize they're too good for this. No. On to have a mildly successful TV show on the ABC too? No, no, because here's the thing about being an intern. Being an intern means accepting that this is the height of your talent ability. And I'm fine with that. I'm fine with this being my peak.

Anyway, please jump on Apple podcast and leave a review. Five stars, as always. for us but um the comments of what we really go for for this segment our gear is from road microphones thank you to them and to a cast we're part of their creator network catch you next week see yeah like bye