The Chaser Report - The Joe Ruski Experience

Episode Date: August 18, 2025

Charles and Dom somehow manage to bring you the latest update on the Russia-Ukraine war, despite the grand result of the latest summit not being announced yet. ---Buy the Wankernomics book: https://wankernomics.com/bookListen AD FREE: https://thechaserreport.supercast.com/ Follow us on Instagram: @chaserwarSpam Dom's socials: @dom_knightSend Charles voicemails: @charlesfirthEmail us: [e-mail] CEO’s Super-yacht upgrade Fund: https://chaser.com.au/support/ Send complaints to: [e-mail] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gadigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report with Dom and Charles. Now, Charles, we are on the precipice of history as we record this podcast. I'm trying to get all serious and profound the way, you know, the rest is politics and the rest of politics. Oh, yes. It's been about this moment in what will soon be the rest is history, presumably, because, look, within hours of this conversation, Vladimir Zelensky, the president of Ukraine, will be visiting the White House to talk to Donald Trump following the summit at Alaska in Alaska on the weekend, where an extraordinarily anti-climactic meeting took place, and half of the European leaders will also be accompanying Zelensky to the White House to try and get some sort of pressure here.

So Ukraine is on the verge potentially of absolutely no progress whatsoever. I think this day may go down in history as another day where. absolutely nothing happened at all to try and resolve this conflict. You heard it from me first. Yeah, that is. That is huge news. I know. I'm using all my diplomatic expertise to try and call this one.

Yeah, now obviously, we should just note that we're recording this on Monday the 18th of August. Yeah, 9pm at any time. Yeah, so obviously things won't have changed by the time you listen to this podcast. And they're unlikely. In fact, you can probably listen to it. in a year's time and so we should probably know that we're doing in 2025 yeah let's take some ads Charles and then I think I think we could probably provide some advice to Vladimir Zelensky going into the most important meeting of his life yeah that's a good idea so look

you're a high-level international negotiator these days Charles absolutely I think what what you would tell I'm just trying to work out what you would advise ahead of a key negotiation like I I know you've been doing some major business deals, including Europe. How much territory have you traded away is the big question? Because that's the thing we're not sure about. It seems as though, certainly from the Putin perspective and also the Trump perspective, there is no fucking way Ukraine gets all of Ukraine back. Well, this is the interesting things, Dom, because, yeah, I've done a few deals just in the past week.

Sure. Instead of offering up my own house, which is, you know, the standard negotiating business. business tactic right. What I've done is I've actually given away your house. Right, your neighbour. Yeah, because I just thought, I don't really want to give away my house. But, you know, Dom's all right. He'll be fine. And anyway, I can smooth things over when I meet with him later on. So I think that would be my advice. Well, certainly for Trump, that what he should be doing is really just letting Putin have a bit of Ukraine just because it'll be easier, right? Yeah.

And then with Zelensky, I reckon the whole mistake that Zelensky makes is he has this sort of rigid notion of national sovereignty and national territory and everything like that. He's just got to learn from the big guys, the Trumps and the Putin's, right? Yeah. And go, and he should be sidling up to Putin and say, look, I don't want to give you Crimea. I don't want to give you Dombasa. Like, I know that you've occupied them,

but why can't we cut a deal over, say, I don't know, Belarus or bits of Poland or something? Oh, another territory again. And so Ukraine, which is now built up its military, all thanks to sort of military aid from Europe and the US, you know, he says to Putin, let's actually cut a deal where I get to keep my thing, but I'll help you, I'll back you in on impinging.

Maybe Finland. I've got an even better idea, Charles. And the great news is this was affirmed on Saturday by all who attended the meeting, which is that the clear compromise is to allow Russia to save face and continue its expansionist tendencies by giving away Alaska. Alaska, yes. It used to be Russia. So Zelensky says there's any point in anyone having Alaska.

Like Alaska is clearly one of the world's most depressing shitholes. Yes. There's no point in being there. You can apparently see Russia from it, according to Sarah Palin. Yeah. Or Sarah Pavlovsky as she'll... Pavlovsky as she could be. Yeah, she can be killed.

That's right. I think that... And then Putin goes, I've got more Russia. I've expanded our sphere of influence, and Zelensky gets to keep more of Ukraine. Because you know what's being proposed, Charles. You might not be across this. But it's pretty extraordinary. The deal that Putin wants at this point, his deal is not to keep the stuff that he's conquered. He wants more. He's saying, give us bits of the Donbass we haven't conquered yet.

What? And so, and you, and, and, um, Zelensky's position is, unfortunately, our constitution says we can't give up any of our territory. They're never going to negotiate on that one. But I think they can both agree that Alaska can easily be handed over. And I'd love to see the expression on Trump's face when that becomes the solution. Because clearly, Putin's got something over Trump. Like, I mean, Trump was just an embarrassing beta. at that meeting, wasn't he? He really was. Putin had talked for so much longer.

Putin arrived in Alaska. Putin spoke first. Like, Putin, you know, like welcomed everyone to the summit in America. It was so weird. It was the weirdest. That's the point. It was actually in Russia. And Donald Trump said, Charles, he said,

I'm going to Russia to meet with Vladimir Putin. But Charles, I'm not making this up. I've just double-checked. In the New York Times reports that Trump agreed, with the idea that, in fact, more of Donbass should be given to Putin, more of Ukraine, he doesn't even conquer you. Quite apart from leaving things as they are, and saying, here are the lines, the bits that we actually occupy now,

he wants bonus bits of Donbass, does Vladimir Putin. This isn't going to work at all. Okay, this is now perfect. So, and do you think that Putin would be satisfied just with Alaska? Or do you think, since that's now a bit of a lock that he's getting Alaska, that he'd also say, well, actually, I also need... What would he want in the US? Bits of Canada. You'd have certainly a bits of Canada.

I don't think you'd give any of the... I can't see Trump giving any of the sort of contiguous 48 states. He might give Hawaii. Oh, because if he gave Hawaii to Putin, then Barack Obama would have been born overseas. Oh, I love that. Yes. They'd lock him up for treason. And then you'd also be able to get rid of every law that Barack Obama signed.

Yes. And Barack Obama would be... in jail. And Barack Obama would be in jail. I love this. I mean, this is really starting to work. Plus, I mean, Russians love a tropical getaway. And yes, exactly.

And also, imagine going to Hawaii, which is a very expensive place to visit. But having to pay for everything in roubles, that would be much cheaper. Yeah, it's a good idea. You buy those Hawaii 5-0, you know, those Hawaii hang loose Hawaii t-shirts. 100%. 50 rubles. So we give all of Alaska, what, 20? 25% of Canada?

Yep, yep. Yeah, they're about, and Hawaii. Just the cold bits to Canada. And I think the bit, actually, the bit of America that Donald Trump would most like to give away, if he's going to give bits away, Puerto Rico. He's never like Puerto Rico.

Remember the whole hurricane thing where he didn't look after them. So I give away Puerto Rico as well. Yeah. Russia's starting to really get a footprint around the place. Yes. And Zelensky can keep what he wants. Now, what about the apparent demand that Zelensky leave? And he no longer be the president of Ukraine.

Would you advise Zelensky to go along with that or not? Well, see, that's a difficult one because I think Zelensky's strategy has to be one of, like, using Putin's tactics against him, right? And Putin would never agree to leave. You know what he should do? He should say, oh, yeah, sure. Because remember what Putin did after, like, being in power for eight years, He, under the Constitution back then, Putin couldn't run again for president. Oh, yes, yes, yeah.

So he made himself prime minister and then got a patsy Medvedev. Yeah, Dewebvre. Yeah, it was the Verdecom as president that everyone knew was actually just really the puppet. So Zelensky could do the same thing. He could say, oh, yeah, I'm no longer president. I'm now president of Ukraine. And look, he's, I don't know, my pet dog spot. who's now the official president, but I'll just...

Spotinsky. Spotinsky. And, but I'll interpret what he's saying and help him put his poor, the ink poor on all the bills that need to be passed. That would totally work. But then another thing, look, if Zelensky wants to play by the Putin rulebook, you've got to go for the summit and you say, okay, Vladimir, look, I'm happy to give into all of your demands, but I just, I need an in-person meeting.

Yes. You have the in-person meeting. Yes. At a summit. Oh, dear. Oh, dear, you have a summit. Oh, dear, what's this? Oh, no, Novichok.

Oh, no. Oh, there's a Novichok. Oh, oh, dear. Oh, someone puts a Novichok on Vladimir Putin's glass. What will I do? Yes. Whoops. Whoops.

Sorry. Have a summit in a high-up building. Yes, with windows. With windows. Absolutely. At the summit of a summit. Yeah. And then go, Putin.

One day all this could be yours. Ah! It was, yeah, just look out the window and survey the heart in Alaska we're about to give you. That would be amazing. The other thing that... But Charles, in reality, if Zelensky manages to have any sort of deal which is actually good for Ukraine,

can't he just, he clearly enjoys travelling around the world? Can't he just give up the job and just basically be a celebrity? He could be the Penny Wong of... In go to every writer's festival. Can you imagine? Every writer's festival in the world would want to have him on.

And he could make another episode of another series of Servant of the People. And also... But also, Celebrity Survivor, I reckon he'd fucking kill. Like, literally. Yes, he would. Yeah, I'm a celebrity, get me out of here.

He's very hard to get out of a place. He was the Russian Army. Can't get him out. The Chaser Report, news a few days after it happens. Oh, you know what else you'll do, Charles, actually. Rather than be president of Ukraine, I know what he'll do. What? A podcast, right?

Yes. Megan Markle, Michelle Obama's got one. Get himself a Netflix deal. Netflix deal, podcast. And he could do a fringe show as well. Come to Edinburgh. That's the whole point. If he leaves office, he can come and watch your show.

Yes. We have to mention it in every single episode. Is that what we're doing now? Well, look, I don't think we do need to, Dom, because most of the shows are sold out. So it's pretty hard to get tickets. The one thing you do that Zelensky will never do is sell out. And look, we're on the precipice of history here.

They're all about to meet, and the interesting thing is all the Europeans are going. I mean, Kea Stama's going, Emmanuel Macron's there, many other leaders are going to be there. European leaders will be there. What impact do you think their diplomatic weight will have on resolving this? I can't even pose the question without laughing. I'm really sorry. I was trying to set you up there. The Chancellor Mertz is going to be there.

Oh, well. Italy's Georgia, Georgia Maloney, presumably to take, to take, to take. Putin's size. I think Albo should go as well. He should. Albo should get on the plane now, actually. That's true. Hi.

Hi, guys. Hi. Hi. I think Chris Minns, the New South Wales Premier, should go. Because he's ahead of state. He's ahead of us state. Well, unless anyone wants to protest in support of Ukraine, he could sort of put an end to that, I suppose, just for safety.

So, I mean, look, anything could happen, Charles. There could be an amazing peace deal done. Yes. Given that Trump seems to have signed off on much of what Putin wants, I guess the surprising thing, Charles, to give Trump some credit is he didn't actually yield on all the points at the meeting. I mean, that was a bit of surprise to everybody. But do you think that Putin actually said,

here are the points you're allowed to yield on, and here are the points you're not allowed to yield on? It's hard to know. What did he not yield on? Well, he didn't just make the deal that he wanted. It's pretty funny looking back. Trump said that there would be severe consequences for Putin if you didn't agree to a ceasefire.

The severe consequence was that they cancelled the lunch. Presumably because Putin doesn't trust anyone else to give the food. Yeah, yeah. Which frankly makes sense. But one influence in all this that's quite interesting is Melania Trump wrote written a letter. And we've got to remember she grew up in Cold War, Slovenia, of course. So she knows about the Russian Jack Booth. Yes, yes.

She wrote Putin a heartfelt letter saying he could sort out all the kids in the world, all the kids that Russia stolen. They've stolen thousands and thousands of children from Ukraine to be serious for a second. And she wrote this letter saying, you know, Vladimir be best in a sense. And so she's the only reason why people are saying Trump, or the main reason for Trump's apparent change of heart, to actually have any sympathy for Ukraine at all is because of Melania. Oh, wow.

Which makes me think she's going to be the next one out the window. Yeah, it's the Novichok. That's where the Novichok's going. Gosh, imagine that. Imagine that. Imagine if Mulania gets knocked off. Trump would have to, yeah. I mean, I think Stormy Daniels is ready and willing to step into the role,

First Lady. Yeah, but there would be, would Trump, Trump probably would, he would chicken out of, like he'd sort of go, oh, Putin, you shouldn't have done that, but then there would have been no consequences. Dom, this is so depressing. All right, there's, okay, well, I'll give you one thing that might cheer you up, Charles, which is that there's another satirist in there. in the mix.

Oh, yeah? I mean, I know you're among the, you know, successful global satirist, blah, blah, but a bit like when, you know, Batuta emerged or the shovel first raised its head. Gavin Newsom, have you been across the government in California? His social media has been, why no one thought of before making fun of Donald Trump's social media presence. Like, imagine how much better Kamala Harris's campaign would be if she'd done a tiny proportion of all of this.

So, I mean, it's all these, if you haven't seen it, all caps, Twitter posts from at gov press office, all the hits are there, the tiny hands, sad, thank you for your attention to this matter. All the beats get hit. Yes, no, it is quite brilliant, the satirising of the thing. It's such a pity that Gavin Newsom is such an awful, awful human being himself. Like, I wondered whether him pretending to be Trump was a little bit bit. because he sort of understands how to be an awful person. Gavin Newsom has a podcast where he interviews people almost exclusively from the alt-right, like really bad people.

And then-Badden went on. Sorry? Steve Bannon went on. And he doesn't push back on them. He's not a proper interviewer. So he just goes, oh, right, that's interesting. He's just an awful human being. He's sort of like, I don't know, it's very hard in Australia to come up with the name of a politician

who is, you know, supposedly good because he's supposedly, you know, left leaning or whatever, but actually is just a complete sellout who just is so committed to boring centriism that he actually just plays into the hands of the far right. You do sound like, frankly, just on that, I will say, though, Charles, I kind of had to break this to you, I know this will shadow some illusions, but when you get up, some of these great humorists, these satirists, the kind of people that, you know, sell art shows internationally. A lot of them are actually assholes up close.

I don't know if you know that. If you spent some time with kind of people who play the Edinburgh Fringe or just tour around. A lot of them are really unpleasant in person up close. So Gavin Newsom's at least on brand with that. Yeah. Yeah, so there you go. Yeah, I wouldn't advise.

I certainly wouldn't advise going to anyone's Edinburgh Fringe show. Fuck you, Dom. Fuck you. Yeah, as if my, as if my. slight jive on this podcast. You're going to have the slightest impact on your sales. No, I've got the ticket sales open at the moment and there's just been a massive collapse in our ticket sales

because of that comment that you just made, Dom. Yeah, oh my God. Oh, so impactful. So anyway, look, we don't know what will happen. But, Charles, we can call it. The great thing is we don't have to wait for that. We can do the first report right now on the results of this summit. Nothing with just a degree of, as we feel at the end of this podcast,

designed defeat, don't you think? Yeah, that's true. Okay, well, actually, you know what? I'm not going to do defeat. I'm not going to resign and feel depressed or defeated. Instead, oh no, no, that doesn't work. I was just trying to, no, just sort of how to give a victory to Zelenskyy. No, it's fine.

All he has to do, all he has to do, Charles, is wait for three and a half years. Yes. Until Gavin Newsom's in the White House. Yes. And then he will manage to get Putin out of Ukraine then in three and a half years by saying if you get out of Ukraine, I'll record a podcast with you. I love it. Perfect.

Yes. So is the answer really that Putin should set up his own podcast? I'm surprised he hasn't. That might be the one way to get him out of Ukraine. You're building the wrong kind of empire here. Yes, exactly. He actually, because he'll enjoy it and people would listen to him. And, you know, like he'd be able to have all his brawes.

sort of foe friends. Yeah, you could do a sort of Manosphere podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He'd love that. Yep. You could do the Russian Joe Rogan, Joe Ruski experience. Yeah, I love it. I think that's the solution.

If he sets up a podcast, so Zelensky gets Ukraine and Putin gets his own podcast. I assume this is what it's all for. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All this, hundreds of thousands of casualties have just been a way of building up people's attention for a podcast drop. Maybe that's why Macron and stuff. armor and you know merts and everyone have turned up is because to be a guest to be guests on the first episode that's what's going on that's a great idea yeah okay we're part of the

iconic class smart list sorry take that smartless with your four presidents we're part of the iconoclast network get you later catch you later when we'll see what happens at the big meeting why did i bring it up again we're going so well