The Chaser Report - The Joy of 5G | Craig Reucassel

Episode Date: August 29, 2021

Craig stops by to share some tips on parenting which are incredibly helpful for Charles, who thinks his own parental skills require vast improvement. Plus Aleksa uncovers the deep secrets surrounding the 5G network. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This episode of The Chaser Report is sponsored by Who Do You Think You Are? Tonight on Who Do You Think You Are? Zanda Javaniv finds out who he thinks he is. I found out who I think I am. Who do you think you are? Proud sponsors of The Chaser Report. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is the Chaser Report. Good morning, welcome to The Chaser Report.

It is Monday the 30th of August. I'm Gabby and Charles is here too. Hey, Charles. Hello, how you going? Oh, good. What's with the sad tone, Charles? What's up? Well, it was my sister's birthday on the weekend. So I had to do Zoom drinks on Saturday night. Oh, my condolences.

With a whole lot of people over 70 years old. That's not that bad, though, Charles. What was it like to feel like the youngest person in the Zoom call, though? I don't know. I don't know, Gabby, because literally, and I am not lying, the first 25 minutes of the what was supposed to be a half-hour Zoom party was taken up with people not knowing how to get the audio working on their fucking Zoom. We are 18 months into a pandemic and they don't know how to get the audio working. It was hilarious. It was so frustrating because, first of all, it was that they couldn't hear us but we could

hear them and we're going, no, no, it's all right. can hear you. Oh, though they can't hear us. I don't think they can hear us. No, we can hear you. Oh my God. And then, they got a second phone set up, right? And I was like, okay, this is going to work. This is going to work. And they had their headphones on. And he could hear us and we could hear him. Right. Right. And so I was like, this is good. And so I'd say, okay, now remove the headphone thinking he'll remove the headphone out of the socket. Never assume. Instead, he removed his. headphones from his head.

No. And then I can't hear you. I can't hear you. You know what? It amazes me that the elderly population in this country were a part of one of the biggest technological shifts and yet have not figured this out yet. I want to believe that they can. But even like my mum's only 60 and sometimes I have to tell her how to full screen a YouTube

video. Like it's, I think we just have to give up or come up with an easier one. Like you know how they release like. It's a bit depressing, actually. They release those, like, tablets for kids that are like, it's like mom's iPad, but there's only one button and it's on and off and it only plays, like, kids' shows or something. We just need one of those for the elderly.

One button, and it plays Broadchurch. Yeah. Hey, I like Broadchurch. Oh, okay. Sorry. I mean... No, no, no. It's one button, and it plays Sky News.

Oh, Sky News. And then there's three buttons total. On and off. Sound. Yes. And then... Oh, no. It would be...

Anti-Vaxa propaganda. Nice. The third button is all of the anti-vax propaganda you can find. Oh, no. No, you know what it is. The third button is how to post on your grandchildren's Facebook with irrelevant quotes from some random meme page for adults. That's what it is. Yes.

I thought this might be funny. Love nan. Coming up in the show, Alexa is coming in to talk about 5G and how it's doing everything bad. And Craig has received some interesting complaints from his children's school, which is breaking news on this podcast now. But first of all, let's go to Rebecca Daynamano in the Chaser Newsroom. COVID cases in New South Wales rose to record highs on the weekend, topping 1,218 on Sunday. In response, Gladys Beriglian immediately said that weddings would now be allowed to proceed. The New South Wales Premier said her plan was for everyone in the state.

to be able to go to four weddings and a funeral each week. Gladys Berejiklian has unveiled a brand new state flag for New South Wales. The state will now use a white flag for all official occasions. The federal government, which claims it can't afford jobkeeper, has magically found a spare $6 billion to give to coal companies. The plan will slug every Australian the equivalent of $400 each and then give that money to prop up coal companies. Resources Minister Angus Taylor brought in the plan

after he misunderstood suggestions that he should create a carbon tax. In response to the plan, the Labour Party has taken decisive action by calling up a focus group to see if they should oppose it. That's the latest chaser news you can't trust. I'm Rebecca Deunamuno, and just remember things will get better. Not today, not tomorrow, but someday life will be good. I hope. Coming up on who do you think you are?

Wait, who do you think you are? Zanda Shavanov. Can I see some ID? Sure. I don't know, mate. This looks a little suspicious. I'm going to have to take you in for some questioning. But you guys told me I'm Zanda Shavanov.

Oh, come on. Who do you think you are? Proud sponsors of the Chaser Report. Now, in the interest of steering further and further away from a satire podcast, which apparently is what is happening, because I see a lot of comments a lot of the time saying that we are now just becoming informative rather than funny which is just kind of sad

but well we have because instead of just making 5G jokes which is one of the longest running bits on this podcast one of the fellow interns has researched 5G and is here to enlighten us hi Alexa hello hello I've gone deep into the rabbit hole and I've come out a changed man

are you guys ready to have your perception altered as well I honestly don't think I am but I have a feeling you're going to alter it anyway Are you a believer? Am I believer in 5G or in anti-5G? In anti-5G? I'm somewhere there, I have to be honest. This might be the last time I feature on the podcast.

No, to be fair, with all conspiracy theories, there is some kind of like tiny little nugget of coincidence, like some little bit of truth that people extrapolate from. And I think what these 5G theories branched out from was this little incident in the Netherlands. Oh, yeah. So 250 birds fell from the sky and died next to where, where these 5G trials were taking place coincidentally, right?

And so these scientists in the Netherlands at the Museum of Natural History studied the birds and they suggested that this was coincidental mid-air collisions, but they weren't 100% sure. And that's kind of where all the conspiracy theories dug in. Like this is kind of the embryo from which everything else comes out of. And what is the theory? What are they saying is wrong with 5G? Well, that's my personal issue.

There are just so many. There are so many theories and some of them are impossible to understand. So the one I've kind of gravitated towards because it's the most entertaining is Alex Jones. I was hoping you guys could help me with this because I've listened to him and I honestly cannot work out what's actually happening, what he's trying to say. And maybe you guys can help us get to the bottom of this. Oh, okay. They admit 5G and all the studies, LA Times, causes massive mutation and cancer. Wait a minute.

And literally rattles your DNA apart. All of our kids are under attack. Just like they say. oh yeah we had human animal hybrids this is like freaking 39 years ago now and i'm and i'm seeing it and the baltimore sun says the cia is testing on cell towers uh wavelengths to calm the public during crises it's not that the microwaves have somehow interfaced with the brain we already interface with the space winds and all these other magnetic fields everything else so they're all just testing this stuff it's been in the newspaper that the cell towers are being used

for mind control. I feel like Alex Jones has an issue with run-on sentences. I can't believe. Was that all the one thought? All of it is just one train of thought. That concerns me. Because I was on board for the first bit and then I was like, I don't know what he's talking about anymore.

It does sound very scientific because there's the sort of, because waves do move in a frequency. That's right. Waves do move in a frequency. Yeah. And so, you know, like if they did come up with a frequency, They found the frequency that made you obey them. But then maybe...

Where do the animal hybrids come in? That's the bit through me. I don't know. And how does COVID work in with that? Where does COVID fit in? So, I mean, they were separate theories once upon a time. People were just scared of 5G before COVID came around. When COVID came, it really came together.

So I think the idea was that Wuhan, where the virus is said to have originated, was China's first smart city that was perfectly, like 5G integrated, which is not true, like lots of other cities in China also cities around the world had 5G at that point. But the idea was that 5G causes the virus and the symptoms of the virus are actually just 5G radiation. Right. Because Alex Jones was sort of saying it makes people compliant. So it made me wonder whether is the whole idea that, you know, the lockdowns are working because the 5G means that they're sort of just wanting to stay at home, was it, Bay? That's part of another argument right so other people say that the virus is fake and the lockdowns are put in

place so they can erect more 5G towers without us seeing oh right it's actually it's actually tilstra yeah i'll just love the idea that when one theory is debunked by something they just come up with a theory that goes with the debunking like it's like it makes us all it gives us all the virus okay well if we all have the virus let's stay inside no now we're staying inside so they could put stuff up that gives us all the virus and it's just it's like it's like a massive game of that game where like you draw something on a quarter of paper and then pass it to the next person it is completely wild like it all sounds quite stupid or just confusing but you know I decided to do what the anti 5G people are always telling us to do and it's you know do your own

research so instead of like searching for anti five year conspiracies I just wanted to find out what 5G was you know just for myself and it it actually did make me anti 5G I mean, okay, so, no, I want to start it by asking you guys an honest question. Are you pro 5G? I am ambivalent. I don't care. I love 5G. 5G means that you can get like 200 megabits per se.

5G is better than NBN. When you can get it on your phone, it's so fast. See, I mean, that's what I was thinking. I was like, I don't know much about 5G, but I like fast internet. But then like all the marketing was just so confusing, right? Like the main kind of tagline on the consumer side for why 5G is good for us is that you can download a full length HD movie with 5G wires connection and only take a few seconds. And I'm thinking like, I can't watch a movie in a few seconds. Like that's what are you trying to sell me?

It's just it kind of makes no sense. It's like trying to sell, I don't know, like a new pill that will allow you to have sex in the blink of an eye. Like that sounds awful. You are at risk of sounding a bit like the Liberal Party in about 2015. 14. Say, we don't need a fast internet. This copper thing is fine. I don't need to download a movie of the cloud. And can I say, Charles, your Christopher Pine impression is coming along swimming way. Thank you. I've been listening to a lot of pine time. What I kind of found is that, you know, the consumer side of 5G isn't actually the motivation. Like there's not a whole lot we get from it.

The actual motivation is on the business end. So the main benefits of 5G are in automation and big data which fucking suck for regular people like they're not they're not things i really am too i have much of a buy-in for no but doesn't it also mean that like our fridge can be connected to our toaster and stuff like that but he can already do that yeah chalz why do you want that actually because then if i take say some bread out of the fridge and the toaster knows that i'm going to do it and then and then it might suggest that i get some butter or something and i feel like they do already have solutions to your problem and it's just called a nursing home. And also I can, no, and also I can download a movie in five seconds while the toast is going on and watch it on my fridge.

I actually think the real problem is there's no toast at all and Charles has just been having a very, very long stroke. So you're saying that 5G is a corporate conspiracy theory designed to create mind control. Well, I reckon it's just like any technology, you know, it serves a purpose and there are winners and there are losers. and I think the winners of this one are people who are interested in automation or big data and then there's us kind of in the middle that don't have a whole lot to gain from it apart from elitism like I know that the anti-5G people are really dumb

and it feels good to call them out but at the end of the day I've got nothing to do with it you know it doesn't really do it for me and also the fact that you know 5G radiation is giving dictated and all his reptilian pedophile powers I'm against that too what can we do about that though I'll tell you what, Alexo, you're an idiot. Hide your single-use plastics.

Because Craig's here. So just while I'm here, I wanted to pick your brain, Charles. I'm like Gabby, you can help out as well here because... I was going to say, pick Charles's brain as not a sentence many people say ever. It doesn't take long. You'll understand as I go further because this is an issue of bad parenting. And when I was the bad parenting, Charles is, as far as I can tell from this podcast, the world's expert. Yeah, connoisseur.

Yeah, yeah. I have a lot of opinions about bad parents because I'm such a good parent that I know how to spot them. You're so good have been a bad parent that you judge other bad parents for not being bad enough. Oh, my God. So the problem I'm having is this, is that in lockdown, where you're all in the same house, I'm finding it very difficult when I get the texts from the school saying that my children are not in class. It makes it incredibly hard to respond to these things because essentially, like, I'm just a bedroom away. And what excuses can you come with?

Essentially, it's like, oh, yeah, I let them stay up to late gaming and now I'm too incompetent to get them to a class at 11 a.m. or something in my own house. It's just, it's really testing my creative juices is to respond to these things in some way that doesn't make me seem incredibly crap. Why don't you just take it to a comedy point and just be like, what do you mean? Where are they? I can't find them. I thought they were with you. That's just set them into a frenzy. Put it back on the school.

That's true. I've been sending them to school. I've been sending to school every day for weeks now. What do you mean you haven't seen them? I'm a very essential worker. I do podcast. I couldn't possibly have them at home. Yeah, I thought I put them on the roll for you guys.

That would be great. That's a good idea. Putting it back on them, that's just gaslight the teachers. They need that right now. They're not doing enough. Yeah. If you can't see them on Zoom, how am I meant to be able to see them? Look, I get to see all of my 13-year-old's excuses

because for some reason, my email settings mean that I see literally all. their interactions between their teachers. Oh, wow. Like, it emails me every time there's a communication. It's terribly irritating. But what I, it's just the chutzpah that I really admire my son, where he just, that point blank, whatever has gone wrong, he just denies whatever the allegation is. So it's like, you didn't hand in your assignment.

And it's like, I swear I did. I swear I did. Okay. Yeah, and then they go, okay, well, hand it in now. And it's like, I can't find it. I've been using that. I think that one's been being used since, like, Microsoft Word and emailing was a thing. Yeah, I think, I think just if you, if you just sort of go, no, no, they are online.

They are, it must be some technical thing. You just blame the computers. That's what it is. Yeah, I remember, I remember using that excuse at uni once, but I had to wait for them to ask for it. Because it was like, you know, you couldn't say, you know, I'd already put it in until they say, hang, well, we can't find it. But it literally didn't happen. I was just months later.

They only like months, like at the end of the course, when, hang in a second, where's your essay? I was finally like, put I handed it in. So, yeah, so Charles, do you have any suggestions for me about how to cover up when I'm an incredibly bad parent? Well, no, I think you should just fess up to it. And therefore it becomes, see, this is what I would do. I'd just put it all.

That I'm that bad. No, no, no, no, because it's, remember, it's about them. And so you put it all on them and you say, yeah, they're shitteds, aren't they? They don't even turn up to class. I actually disagree. And get them in trouble. And then they learn. They learn that you're a horrible person.

No, no, no, no. No, because if there's one thing I've learned about white men, it's that they have the audacity and they also have the bar level on the floor. So the one thing you could do is if you do actually fess up to being a terrible parent, you will be seen as endearing. Yes. If talk shows have taught me anything about male celebrity, fathers, they literally just have to say, yeah, I've got three girls. And the entire

crowd, oh my God. Yeah, well done. Well done. How does he do it? Just say, oh, I'm a bad parent, but you know what? It makes me human sometimes. And everyone will go, oh, isn't that nice? He admits his fault. He's a great dad. He's still around. But also, no, but think of it from your kids' perspective as well. Like, you're doing it, your kids a favour. Because if you keep throwing them under the bus with the teachers, then they will develop sort of lifelong psychological wounding and trauma. And that'll give them real drive. Yeah, they'll become comedians.

Yeah, they'll give them real drive. They'll have a whole well of stuff of anger and resentment to use later in life. They'll probably become CEOs or something like that, run oil companies. They'll become comedians or artists. That's what we all do. But then you can be proud of them, extra proud, because then it's like, it's not. my dream dad it's yours and then you can have that whole this course and write a movie it'll be great yeah just going there quickly to charles you saying you can see all of your excuses that have

been sent by your son to the teacher right i am in a very different situation because i discovered fairly recently that my son has basically set up an email address throughout high school that is extremely close to mine but isn't and that he's been using that to send excuses. So I have no idea what excuses my son has been using but he's been sending them from me supposedly. I do love that you're both

shocked by this information that the product of a group of professional pranksters can somehow prank just as effectively. I feel like they must have seen some shit to know how smart that is. Pretty good. That's clever. That is clever. But did they have

to learn the English language really well? to get the correct grammar and spelling and stuff like that. Actually, no, but then it wouldn't be an authentic forgery of you, would it? Exactly. They'd just spell really badly. Yeah, when other kids were learning how to actually do their assignments, your kids were learning forensic linguists. Anyway, so if my child's school was listening, they weren't from me.

You can get out your plastic again. Because Craig's gone. This episode of The Chaser Report is sponsored by Who Do You Think You Are? On this week of Who Do You Think You Are? Who? Who do you think you are? Who? I only told you what you told me I think I am. I think I'm Sandership at him.

You fucking liar. I told you, I swear. You better start talking. When do I find out about my family? Family. You'll never see them again. Who do you think you are? Proud sponsors of The Chaser Report. Before we go, Gabby, I've got a bit of a confession.

Another one. I just got this sneaking suspicion that I'm not a very good parent. What? Who told you that, Charles? Wow. No, it's a self-realisation. No one told me. Both my kids were in tears last night.

I think I might be a little bit to blame. You made both of them cry? Yeah. Like, oh my God, what did you do? It was all innocent. And I kept on trying to explain it. Like, no one's trying to make anyone cry here. Yeah, good.

That works. Yeah. No, don't cry. Already crying. So what happened was all the computers, because we're doing homeschooling, all the computers are right up the top of the house, right? In like the most distant bedroom, right? And so the point is,

the kids can never hear when it's dinner time. So you end up going, dinner, dinner! And then like half an hour later, it's like, I didn't hear you. Anyway,

so I send our youngest up to Hartley to get him for dinner, right? But I also, as he left, I showed him this trick on the, because we've got to look, one of those Alexa, you know, Echo,

what are the Amazon Echoes. Yeah, yeah. And you can make an announcement. So you can go, hey, Hartley, you fuck with. have dinner or come down for dinner or whatever.

And it beeps out, it beeps out in his swear words. It's very funny. And then, but also you can make things like fart noises. Right. And stuff like that. Angus thinks this is the perfect way to get Hartley down for dinner, right? So he goes up there and then starts writing funny and somewhat rude messages. Oh, no.

Getting hardly to think, with all the fart noises, there's all these different rude sound effects and things like. look at my penis was one of them because you can look. Well, they're definitely your kids, Charles, yeah. And Angus went. Like, I thought it would, and so afterwards he explained. I thought that this would make Hartley come down because he'd be laughing and it would be so funny. Harley was in the middle of some important gaming competition thing.

Of course. And he lost, he just, because he kept on laughing at Angus's jokes. That's a great way to lose. And I kind of, and I looked at the jokes, back at the jokes, and I went, they are actually fan. And so, so it hardly comes down all upset, like going, you know, Angus has ruined my life because I didn't get this video game. And then I looked at all the jokes that Angus had written.

It was like, well, in fairness, they were quite funny. And yeah, I know, I kept on laughing. I couldn't concentrate. They were really funny. So I had this pride in my 10-year-old son being really good at making jokes. But then he went, but you're not taking it seriously. And then everyone started crying. Your house sounds like a roller coaster ride.

Like, I can't remember ever laughing at my sibling's intrusion in my life. My brother would just, like, he'd just resort to breaking my stuff or I'd break his stuff. I remember once I wiped his Pokemon on his Game Boy, and he didn't talk to me for five days. Well, I think that's fair enough. Yeah, my mom even said to me like a year later, she was like, that was fair enough. So, yeah, well, I mean, I don't know if you really made your kids cry. I think the situation did. Yeah, well, I just felt bad that I'd shown Angus the way to...

I mean, you are definitely going to regret it because if there's one thing kids love is making the same joke over and over again. So I have no doubt in my mind that at some point during this week, you're going to wake up to a wake-up alarm that's like, get up, dad, you fuck wit. It is funny because this morning Hartley did actually mention that he wanted to get me an Amazon Echo for my birthday. There it is. Stay on your toes there, Charles.

Our gear is from road microphones, or whatever they called. And we're part of the A-Caster Network. Have a good date. See ya. Bye.