The Chaser Report - The Joy of Nose Sex

Episode Date: May 7, 2020

Dom gets tested for Covid, which sounds delightful if you're into shoving sticks up your nose. Andrew looks at how to explain to your kids the coronavirus without leaving them with lifelong PTSD. And we look at the conspiracy theories about Covid that are too weird even for YouTube. Plus, Australia’s favourite satirist Mark Humphries chats to the team about his decision to move house without the help of removalists. All that, plus the latest news you can’t trust from Bec De Unamuno in the Chaser World International Global newsroom. 
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In times like these, it's important to know who you can trust. At last, a new source that's reliably reliable, informatively informational and never wrong. Unfortunately, you're not listening to it. Instead, you're listening to The Chaser Report. Welcome to The Chaser Report for another week. I'm Charles Firth. And joining me today are Dom Knight and Andrew Hansen. And Dom, I believe you got tested for COVID this week.

I did. It was a wonderful service. I just drove up to a nearby car park and you can queue in the car and I don't know if you ever picked your nose but I regularly do. And the test is kind of like it's a cotton butt on a very, very long stick and they push it all the way up your nose all the way to the back. So it feels like it's touching your brain. It tickles and it feels deeply uncomfortable. Then they take it out and you've done your test. So it is the second most uncomfortable drive-through. experience after my last fillet of fish the um my wife actually got tested um and said it was actually like having nose sex but not in a good way let's just say it is a very deep penetration Andrew have you been tested well no but now well I won't now because I was hoping that I'd go along and it would be like having fantastic nose sex but now that I've heard that it's the not version of nose sex. I'm less keen. They didn't even use a nose condom.

Coming up in the show, we're going to chat with Mark Humphreys. He moved house this week, and we'll find out what it was like doing that under lockdown. Andrew looks at COVID propaganda targeting our kids, and Dom is going to have a look at the conspiracy theorists that are too hot, even for YouTube. But first, let's head over to Rebecca Annumuno for the latest Chaser news headlines. Good news for people trying to access government support with Centrelink announcing a plan to address soaring demand for their services by investing in a second phone.

Mr Morrison said that the measure was only temporary and that Centrelink would go back to just the one phone as soon as the crisis was over. The new phone is being installed by the MBN and is expected to be operational by the time everyone no longer needs to call Centrelink anymore. Experts have warned that the death toll from Stampede to the pub once lockdown restrictions are loosened could exceed the toll from COVID-19.

One scientist said that while Australia's death toll had thankfully been low, his model shows that the rush to the pub is likely a fucking bloodbath that makes the running of the balls in Pamplona look like a ferret rate. A government minister who forgot to declare to Parliament that he owned a million-dollar house has luckily still remembered to negatively gear it.

Peter Dutton said he was mystified why he was paying so little tax despite earning a huge parliamentary salary and then he remembered he owned a shit ton of investment properties. Mr Dutton said he was sure Forgetting about owning a house was a common experience that ordinary Australians could relate to

Dutton now owns eight houses which is seven more than he needs and eight more than anyone under 30 Thanks Beck Hey Beck Have you tried injecting bleach to cure coronavirus yet? No I haven't but my friend did Oh yeah did it work

Well they're dead but they don't have corona anymore Oh well there you go Food for thought. The Chaser Report. News a few days after it happens. All right, Charles and Andrew, let me blow your mind. What if COVID-19 was caused by 5G mobile phone transmitters? It definitely wasn't.

It was created by a lab in China or the CIA. But what if it was? Actually, we can put up more dramatically than this. Here is sports commentator turned reality expert, David Ike. There is no. COVID-19. It doesn't exist. It doesn't exist. It doesn't exist.

Now, look, some call him a conspiracy theorist. He's not the only one who sees this link. In this period of running up to this virus, we've had the introduction in more and more places of 5G. Yes, it's true. Is it a coincidence? Yeah, obviously, but it's a popular coincidence. Hippies in Byron have been protesting about all this.

And in the UK, people are so angry about 5G that they're actually burning down mobile phone antennas. They've burnt down half a dozen. So there's no signal. It's just like being connected to voter phone here. So look, in response to all this, YouTube has banned David Ike's channel. Spotify has taken down the very podcast I'm playing these clips from. Because they don't want you to know the truth, Dom. Well, that's the thing.

David predicted all this, Charles, because it's all part of the sinister cult that runs the world and wants to use 5G to control us. What they're doing while people are locked away. They're putting 5G into schools. You know where else they're putting 5G into freaking hospitals? They're putting 5G everywhere. And so once this is set up, they have the ability to manipulate people psychologically and physically.

Now, what I don't get is why the sinister world government haven't put a massive 5G antenna next to his house to shut him up. What do you think of that theory? Are you convinced? Well, he says they've been rolling it out, which they have, you know, that could be coming to it. But there are other things that have been recently rolled out as well. You know, what about TikTok? I mean, that's recent.

Maybe that's to blame for the virus. Disney Plus. Exactly, Disney Plus. Well, what about that NRA microbe called coronavirus? That may be causing the coronavirus. It could be. Every expert says that David Ike's theory is bullshit that 5G is fine, but of course they would, wouldn't they?

Because they're all part of the sinister world government. Now, here at the Chaser Report, we are very open-minded. So I want to give Ike a fair hearing. And I figure if we look back at his previous claims and work out how plausible they are, we can assess whether the 5G thing is an amazing revelation from profit or just rubbish. Now, let me try these theories on you and just see how plausible you find them. His most famous theory is that we are all controlled by 12-foot-long, shape-shifting lizard overlords known as reptilians from the planet Arcon.

What do you think? Yes. Well, that turned out to be true. Well, that's right. That's eminently provable by, uh, through, it was, it was the Tony Abbott era, wasn't it? Yes. With the tongue slick. There was a bit of, a bit of that happening.

He also claims that the royal family are all reptilians. And this might seem unfair. It might seem as though I'm misrepresenting him. But four years ago, here he is on British TV. And they asked him, does he still believe in this? Do you still think the royal family were shape-shifting lizards? Yes, I do. You do.

Yes. And he went on that clip to say, look, it sounds crazy if you say it in isolation. But if you know the backstory dating back millennia, it's very plausible. Well, this could be why Harry quit the whole thing. I mean, you would, wouldn't you? You wouldn't want to be part of this lizard family?

How unpleasant. He also says that at one point he interviewed Princess Diana's Chambermaid, and she told him that the Queen Mother was known as Chief Toad, which I think checks out. No, I'll tell you why Harry and Megan moved to LA. It's because they are lizards. And there's more sun in L.A. That's the reason.

It's obvious. It's a giveaway, isn't it? Now that you put it like that. So Ike also says that the lizard overlords are assisted by people called red dresses. They're hologramed people with no free will. What do you think of that? I think it's true in the case of Instagram influencers. Holograms.

Do they wear red dresses, these people? Yeah, they go around basically doing what the reptilians want. They're like the servants. They're fake people like in the Matrix. He also believes the Matrix is real. Wouldn't we notice these, these people, I mean, if there are people in red dresses everywhere, I think you'd spot them, wouldn't you? And also, how do we know that David Ike isn't one of the red dresses?

And he's saying this stuff because that's what they want you to believe. But Charles, he doesn't wear a red dress. He wears a straight jacket. He also believes, this is my personal favourite, that the moon is a hollowed out spacecraft for the reptilians. Well, that's, I think he got that from Doctor Who. I mean, that's literally the plot line of one of the episodes, I think. But the thing that really intrigues me is, why did YouTube ban him? This is exactly the sort of content that's perfect for YouTube.

It's because he's been warning everyone about the COVID-19 vaccine, Charles. When it comes, it contains tiny nanotechnology microchips that control us all. Right. Or is it the 5G that? Get your story straight, David, Ike. But look, if the world really is run by reptilians, the best thing they ever did was getting this guy to warn everyone about it, because after spending about an hour watching interviews with David Ike looking for clips, there's no way anyone's going to believe a single thing that

he ever says, which is such a pity because the Queen Mum really was Chief Toad. Ooh, brutal. They should give him back his YouTube, though. It's the most entertaining content out there. None of the medical advice contained in the Chaser Report should legally be considered medical advice. The Chaser Report. This week's episode is brought to you by the government's $130 billion job

Keeper scheme, which kicks in this week. Yes, and it's really easy to apply for. Just remember to select the allowance tabs and then make a $0 payment using Roman numerals to activate the procedure to verify the payments scheduled task list. And once you've reactivated the declaration tab in the net accounting outflows category of your accounting software, simply press the submit button and do it again in reverse order while wearing a sombrero. It's that easy.

Sounds seamless. The Chaser Report, news a few days after it happens. So we're trying to work out how to get more downloads for this show during the week. And we thought, why don't we just get somebody else on the show who's got a really good social media following? And then all their fans will listen to our show to hear them. So that's what we've done. And we've got Mark Humphreys from 730. He does all those sketches on 7.30.

Mark, how are you? I'm deeply traumatized. Charles. It's been a very difficult week. Yeah, so what happened on the weekend? What did you do? Well, I said something that no one should ever do, which is I moved out without

hiring a removalist. And now, before everyone jumps in and says, you idiot, you fall, I'm like, yes, I know, I was, I need to be clear, I was fully in favour of hiring a removalist, but I live in a house of Russian

people who are my wife's family who are sort of stranded here because of the whole coronavirus thing and they were very insistent that we as a family could move a house on our own and they were wrong Charles they were wrong so why why would they so insistent is there some sort of cultural Russian belief in suffering or so what's the idea They are from Siberia. Yes, I think there is a little bit of that. Look, they're very kind of hands-on can-do people. And in their head, the $600 saving would be worth it,

not factoring in the potential thousands of dollars of damage that could be done to white goods. Look, I've got to say, in their defense, there was only one point at which I said to me. my wife. What was that loud, banging metal sound that I heard, and to which she replied, oh, it was just a pipe falling off the washing machine. So that's, you know, that's standard, isn't it? Yeah, that happens on every move. I think that's fine. Okay, good. I'm glad to hear it. We just take their perspective for a second. So they helped

you move. Well, they helped themselves move, but they're living in their house as well. So It's, you know, I'm like, it's like I'm basically billeted to a Russian family at this point. I had my wife's parents and her brother living with us in addition to our two children. I'm living in a sort of Russian sitcom without any jokes. And, yeah, so my life is a living hell. But it's great to hear you guys. Thanks to have me on the show. So, so you have two small kids now.

You've actually got a baby as well, don't you? Yeah, so we have a three-year-old and a one-year-old. Didn't I have a conversation with you before the baby came along saying do not move with a young baby? Didn't I exactly say those words? Yeah, we did that at three months old. It's hell. No, to be clear, Charles, you said that before I moved with my first baby. You didn't send a follow-up message on the second child.

So this is the second time we've moved with a child and my hair is falling out. Yeah, but I'm going to say The worst part of the whole thing was actually Not so much that It was dealing with our friends at NBNCO And Because they don't get a bad rap I think they've got a pretty good

Pretty solid reputation But I weirdly had a bad experience with them So what happened? Well somehow You know how like when you were Trying to get your internet installed You like to get it installed into your house Yeah, well, Indiana's got this great system where they...

Yeah, yeah, but Indiana's got this great system where they install your internet into your neighbor's house. And so that was thrilling to discover that. So we've sort of basically been without internet for a few days. And, you know, the kids are climbing up the walls and I just need to be able to sit them down in front of Bluey. Does the internet work better here or in Siberia? Great question.

I actually think it might be Siberia. Yeah, no, it's clear, but we finally did get it resolved. And somehow it's slower. I've now got a fiber to the premises connection. And it's now somehow slower than it was when I had a kind of, you know, bullshit box. It sounds like you've actually recreated what it's like to live in Russia in your very own, you know, Sydney home.

It's lovely. That's right. Well, there is a lot of soups. But, yeah, so I don't mean just having this conversation, am I realizing that I'm having a breakdown, but this becomes sort of a therapy session for me. So, in conclusion, confirming what everyone already knew, don't move yourself. Fortunately, they did not insist on us cleaning the house ourselves. We did hire cleaners, so there was some silver lining there. but, yeah, don't...

You sound like you need to break. Can I admit if you get COVID-19, you'll have a couple of weeks in seclusion, you'll have your own room. It'll be very quiet. Get on board. Yeah. Yeah, getting off, you know,

watching Netflix on a solid 3G connection. Yeah, no, that would be absolutely heaven right now. So, thank you for checking in. Thank you so much, Mark. Chaser Report. Less news. Less often. Now, Domi and Charles, you two are dads like me. And are you feeling like I am? Are you feeling a bit confused about how to explain this whole virus lockdown business to your kids? Well, my cousin was saying that he's explaining to his two-year-old. The reason why they can't play in the playground or go to the pool or whatever is

because the whole world is sick, really? That's heavy. That's a heavy explanation. Really bloody heavy and apparently the cousin's kid is really depressed and keeps being really sad and you're just going well you're bloody well told him the whole world is sick you bastards I came up with a better one I had to tell my daughter that the playground that she loves running around and is really dirty so that won't traumatise her at all no that's what I've done too I just said they're cleaning it they're cleaning it and it's going to take a long time to clean a surprisingly long time it will take to clean and that's that's the story that I'm using I mean what is what are you supposed to That's actually true, though, because apparently my wife told me that the reason why I can't go to the pub is because they're cleaning it.

She's been telling you that for years, hasn't she, trying to keep you away. Well, look, I dug around, you know, and I found actually a lot of people are weighing in on this thing, virus messaging for kids. My first discovery, which I want to share this with you, it's a new children's book about the coronavirus. It's made by the World Health Organization who teamed up with UNICEF, so big, you know, big names behind this book. and some publishers, and they've produced this remarkably long book called My Hero Is You, How Kids Can Fight COVID-19, with an exclamation mark, because it's such a fun adventure you see. Now, this book, it features a sort of angel-like hero who's named Ariel, same name as The Little Mermaid, and Ariel, and just explains the ins and outs of the coronavirus to anyone who'll listen. That's basically how the story works. And I must admit, I must admit, I'm not sure the creators of this kid's book are taking them.

pandemic as seriously as they should. Take a listen. Is it true people can die from the coronavirus? Ariel breathed a big sigh and sat down on his enormous bottom. I mean, I think kids are going to think the coronavirus gives you a huge ass. And now, by the way, do you want to guess which celebrity narrated that first official video of the COVID kids book on YouTube? It sounded like Rolf Harris. But certainly kids to keep their distance.

Look, I'll give it away. I can't believe you didn't guess this. It was, of course, Howard Donald from the pop group, Take That. Who else would you cast? Who else would you choose? Except for him. I bet he was very cheap. Well, that's very unfair on poor Howard.

Not to be out done, there's a hospital in L.A. who's naturally enough produced their own children's book about the virus. And this one is narrated by Natalie Portman. Right. from the bad Star Wars movies. And this is, you know, presumably to teach kids to avoid COVID like you avoid Jar Jha Binks. Now, bearing in mind the virus is called coronavirus. Can you guess the name, Dom and Charles, of the villain character in this children's book?

Surely it's Donald Trump. Oh, close, not bad. Charles? I was going to say, surely it's Batman. Wouldn't that be the perfect villain for the coronavirus? If from L.A., they'd ever use any original ideas, so I'm assuming it's just like Voldemort Soron. No, it'll be cool. I bet you, I'll bet you a million dollars.

It's called Corona. Oh, Charles, that's not a bad guess. Let's hear Natalie Portman say the name of the villain. Corny coronavirus. Corny coronavirus, actually. The coronavis is a surname, I think. She's just talking about the early Star Wars movies, isn't she? The plot line of...

The plot line. Herbanican or whatever. Corny coronavirus. Well, Corny in the stories, he's depicted as this sort of green unhygienic blob. Dom and Charles, what do you think corny coronavirus has been doing with his time? I suspect shagging bats, if I'm honest. But in terms of this book, probably got a development deal at Netflix by now. Maybe so, Charles.

What do you think Corny's been doing? I don't know. But maybe going on various cruises around the world, like, it seems to be. That is pretty, pretty close. That's not bad. Let's listen to what Corny has been up to in this children's story. Corny coronavirus has been traveling the world. There you go, Charles Firth.

You've done it. Oh, well done. Traveling the world. Presumably not on Virgin. Now, armed with what you now know of the character, can you hazard a guess of the title of this children's book? Dommy? Where is the green bat?

Charles, you want to stab at the top? What about corny coronavirus goes around the world? That's not bad, actually. Domi, what was your alternative? Horton, he's a WHA. Oh, oh. The title of the kids' book is this. Careless corny, a cautionary tale.

Now, kids, you know, they need to be kept not only informed but entertained, don't they? So I want to play you guys the most exciting part of Careless Corny, a Cautionary tale. Now, if your kids love Dr. Seuss or they might love Roald Dahl, those authors have got nothing on this thrilling and hilarious bit of the story. And after I play it, by the way, I want you guys to guess why this particular thing happens in the story. Take it away, Natalie Portman. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, nine. 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20. Is that a live count of the US fatalities?

Good guess, Tommy. That's pretty close, Charles. Why do you think that's in the story? Well, it's obviously how long you've got to wash your hands for. But instead of doing it in a joyous way where you sing a song, they want you to just joylessly recount the numbers. Oh, no, it's because no one knows how to count to 20 because they go through the American education system. That's the reason.

Well, look, if your kids were gripped and enthralled by that little counting passage, as narrated so thrillingly by Natalie Portman, they will surely be over the moon when, later in the story, this happens. You're washing your hands again. Yes, I am. one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, fifteen, sixteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty. There you go. So, ask no more how do I entertain the kids during lockdown. No wonder they needed a major movie star to give that the Oscar winning performance it deserves. in a world of excellence, this is The Chase of Report. This week's episode is brought to you by the government's $130 billion jobkeeper scan.

Haven't been paid yet? Simply log into the ATO portal via MyGov ID. Oh, MyGov. I've got that all set up. I use it for Medicare. It's great. No, no, no, not MyGov. MyGov ID. They're totally different, Don. What? I've never heard of that. Yeah, use MyGov ID. Are you sure it's not MyGov, the thing that we're? we all use? Who would use MyGov when you're supposed to use MyGov ID? Look, just use MyGov

ID and complete the simple 500-step checklist. Do you, sorry, sorry, do you guys get the sense that they just don't want us to get the money? The Chaser Report, news you know you can't trust. International Global News World Roundup. Charles and Andrews, some of the most important news stories this week. A city in Sweden, attempted to stop citizens celebrating a holiday in a public park. They dumped more than a ton of chicken poo on the grass. And normally people sit and drink beer all night. But local officials said, no, this will make it much less nice

and no one will want to come. Would that keep you away from a beer in a park? Well, chicken shit does actually smell terrible. In fact, the only thing that smells worse than chicken shit is the inside of a Sydney pub. so given that that's where people go and drink in Australia I don't think it'll have worked at all

I think people will go oh wow this smells just like a musty pub You smell better than a musty pub You'd be rushing for the chicken shit hill Wouldn't you It's desperate to get there Look at this point I'm so desperate for a good time

that chicken shit or not That would not keep me away You'd need a lot more than a ton I reckon most of us will be in a position at the end of this where we're happy to just bed down in a ton of shit and drink a nice drink. Okay, so if you're in charge of this town, what would you have done to keep people away?

If you don't think the shit on the grass will work, is there a better way they can make people observe social distancing? Bearing in mind there's no lockdowns in Sweden. Oh, to keep people away. Well, what if you dressed up the park as a cruise? ship terminals. I think that might send people packing. Look, you know, one way might be, just hear me out here because it's a bit of a

loose suggestion. What if you told everyone that there's a global pandemic on and if they turn up, their grandparents will almost definitely die? No, not going to work, Charles. Not going to work. You need something that appeals to the Swedish, don't you? So maybe what you do is you just play. a whole lot of IKEA furniture that isn't constructed out on the field and say that they have

to, yeah, say that they have to assemble it and then they'll all go, oh, no, I'll do it next weekend, I'll come back, you know, it'll be perfect. Yeah, well, maybe you could sort of, you know, line up all the horses that normally go into the meatballs and offer to give people rides away from the park. I was thinking if they'd just got some four X. gold and bought it on the grass, it'd be completely fine. No, and it'd go. Now, Donald Trump wasn't the first influential leader to recommend bleach as a cure for coronavirus, it turns out. The renowned Genesis 2 Church of Health and Healing has in fact long claimed that chlorine dioxide

is a miracle cure. And they sell it here in Australia. It's an American church, but they sell it here as a thing called miracle mineral solution. And actually, it turns out the archbishop wrote to Donald Trump, yes, they have an archbishop, before his press conference and recommended that he used their sacramental cleaning water. What do you think? Does this, does a church blessing this stuff make you think it, it's worth a try? I'm sorry, it's made of chlorine dioxide. Did you say? Yes, but it is miracle mineral solution. That's what they call it. It's been blessed. I've got a bottle of it. I actually use it. It's actually very effective. My toilet bowl is incredibly clean the whole time.

They do talk about miracle. Nearly every cleaner is sold as a miracle. Miracle cleaner, isn't it? So what's so unusual about this? Do you think religions should be allowed to market dangerous things to their congregation? I mean, the TGA here says they can sell it if they write poison on the bottle. Oh, market dangerous things to their congregations. What do you mean like priests?

I don't know about that. I think it's all right to sell poison to your congregation. as long as you've already got their credit card details on file, I think that's the most important thing. You can keep taking the money out like an Australian bank. Now, some happy news to wind up with this week. Our old friend Elon Musk has had a truly, truly special week. He's had his seventh baby.

Congratulations, Elon. It's with his first child with the singer Grimes. And look, they come up with a truly special name for this child. Let me try and explain what it is. it is x space and then an a skewashed together like in medieval in another space an a dash 12 musk and somehow musk is the silliest part of the name yeah it's a i like that how concise the name is i mean it's very sure there aren't many letters in that and there aren't many letters even in elon musk or grimes like the whole family put together still has less letters than my name

it's true now i wanted to know how to pronounce this very unusual name so i turned to the renowned entertainment reporter at Seven News. I can't pronounce it. I challenge anyone else to, but I think we have a graphic of it. If we can pop that up. How do they pronounce it Ash? It's just Ash.

It's not too bad. But it's spelled X AEA-12. That's not Ash. I don't know what it is. Why don't they just call him Ash? If they want to call him Ash, why don't they just write Ash down? Do you think this is,

I mean, Celebrities are well-known for giving children stupid names. Is this a new low or is it kind of brilliant? How do you view this? No, I think this is really good. I think this is, I mean, because I actually know what this name means. It means that Elon Musk is a narcissist who sees the baby as an extension of himself rather than as a separate, unique human being.

So, you know, it's really good. It sort of acts as a signal to try. child welfare authorities, they should put him on some sort of watch list. A red flag, isn't it? I'll give you the official explanation. You can see if it's more or less impressive. X. This is from Grimes's Twitter. X is the unknown variable.

The A.E. is the elven spelling of AI meaning love and or artificial intelligence. A12 is the precursor to their favorite aircraft, the SR 17. Oh, what a what, which kid gets called SR 17 then? I mean, you're telling me A-12 is the second most favorite aircraft. Let's hope they have another child. And they've named the kid up after a second most favorite aircraft. Their most favorite aircraft is to the Concord, but the SR 17 is so much easier to say for a child's name. What do you think they will call their next child, given this amazing skill?

Oh, E equals MC squared. I think they'll learn from it, and I'm pretty certain I put a lot of money on the next child as being called Bob. Or any name that they choose, it's less embarrassing than Elon Jr., surely. The Chaser Report, less news more often. Okay, well, that's almost the end of the show,

but we do have some breaking news from Rebecca Day and her, No. Yes, news just in. in the United States has come forward an accused Bernie Sanders of trying to give her free health care in exchange for her support. The allegations have badly damaged the senator's chances of winning against a pool of much

more electable sex offenders. Back to you. Thanks, Vic. Now, remember to check us out online at chaser.com.com.com. You find us on Facebook, Twinter. Twinter is a good one. I've just joined Twitter, actually. It's quite like Pinterest.

You know that we're on TikTok. I joined Twink. No, I joined Dick Dock and I'll tell you what, that's really interesting. I sound quite painful. And also search for the Chaser report in your podcast app and actually subscribe to it so that we actually get all the downloads, even if you don't listen to it. And you've also got to review the Chaser report, don't you? Because otherwise... Well, yeah, we get fired, basically, don't we if you don't do that?

And if you could create a program. that queues up thousands of fake downloads, that would also be very helpful. That would be very helpful. So thanks to our producer, Mike Liberali. And anyway, we're going to leave you with a promo now for a very, very exciting new podcast from Chaser Studios that we've been working on for just years. Hi, my name is John Jellos. Have you ever thought, what if every decision you made had to be decided by the first result

you got on Google. Hey Google. Hey Google. Hey Google. Hey Google. Hey Google. It's an intriguing thought, isn't it? Every time you want to eat something or watch something, you have to do what Google recommends first. Hey, babe, should we have dinner? Oh, pizza would be nice. Well, hold on. I have to ask Google. Hey, Google, why should we have for dinner? Here's a summary from Noble Pig. 80 easy dinners you can make tonight. Beef, chicken, turkey, pasta, pork, seafood, and vegetarian. Hey, it looks like it's beef, chicken, a pork, seafood, and vegetarian.

Ugh, again? And what if you did it for a whole year? For a whole year? Oh, Jesus. Introducing a new podcast that looks at the mildly interesting question, what would happen if your life was controlled by a search engine? About the highs. This is the best beef chicken pass to pork, seafood, and vegetarian meal I've had yet.

And Lowe's. Well, unfortunately, Google has sent me a cease and assist notice, but luckily Bing has stepped up to the plate and said I can use their search engine instead, so I'm sure the premise of my podcast will be just as good. Hey, Bing, what should we eat tonight? There are 5,623 results for animal porn. My life is a search engine. Just search for it wherever you get your podcasts,

but don't search for it in Bing because it won't be able to find it. Thank you.