The Chaser Report - tHe kIdS tHeSe DaYs!!!

Episode Date: March 30, 2023

In which Dom and Charles contemplate the effectiveness of the policy to ban students using phones in schools across NSW. Meanwhile our producer has been told/forced to ramp into overcharge. If you liked this episode leave a review using the codeword "CHARLES' BASEMENT". Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gatigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to the Chaser Report. Now with added audio effects. Thanks for that, Lachlan. I'm Charles and this is Dom. And I sound like I'm in space, yes. Wow.

It's amazing what you can do with a little bit of audio. We'll find out later on why Lachlan is being. so diligent today. Very good. Very good. Thank you, Lachlan, for that. Thank you to you, too, for choosing this podcast. There are many out there, and our listening numbers are up.

People are making good decisions. And they're listening to the podcast. I don't know. If Hamish and Andy stop being funny or something, what's that? Don't mention our chief competitor. Yeah, that's true. Now, Dom, there is a law that's about to be passed in New South Wales, thanks to the Labor government.

MINS, the new Premier. Yeah. The MINS, and he's going to have a... Wait for it. Mins Nority government. Oh my God. Why are our numbers up? Anyway, so he's going to ban mobile phones from schools.

Yeah, this is something that they've been going on about for ages, this idea that's just terrible for school kids to have mobile phones. I have a theory, because I used to do message testing, polling. Did you used to do that as well? No, a lot of people from the Chase that did, though, we used to work for City Poll. City Poll, which tested

the lines that politicians would say about six weeks before they said them, right? And you'd find out whether something was good, and then the politician would say them if it was sort of a thing. And I reckon my theory is that

focus, they just did this phone polling. Oh, phone should be banned in Schools, kids these days, they're just on their phones all the time. Just tested incredibly highly, so it became official Labor Party. In fact, the key plank of the New South Wales Labor Party's policy, right? Yes, it is. Now that they're accidentally in government, they now have to work out how to ban mobile phones in schools.

Because, like, I don't know, they ban drugs in schools. They didn't seem to have any effects. They certainly not the schools that my kids go to. They banned vapes in schools. Well, every fucking teenager, vares. at the moment. But there's no rule, Charles. There's no rule that says that just because you promised something before an election,

you've got to do it, and particularly not straight away, don't they just launch a study? They should do a pilot scheme, 500 mobile phones. With 500 kids, the kids of the Labor Party politicians and all the Labor workers, they can be the ones to test it out and see how it goes. Because as with the pokies, 90,000 pokies, they're only testing 500. Yeah, just get a few kids. See how the Min's has three sons.

See how they go without mobile phones Dominic Peritay has 500s Actually You can probably Do the whole thing Do it on the Peritay thing But why is it That one you can't possibly put in

Without a trial No But the notion of kids not having phones at all Just up Let's just do it No but this is the thing What they've decided is Actually probably the easiest way to do it

Is to not take the phones From the kids It's to put in mobile Jamming devices Into each school So that mobile phones Do not work at school Hang on a sec.

Do we have mobile jamming technology? They are, I have a friend who's got one. They are completely illegal. They are illegal. Except in schools, apparently. Well, they would have to make them legal in schools. How are we not using that in concerts? I want, like, not just jamming the mobile signals,

but actually just rendering them inoperable. Well, I think they do, they do that in New York. They have little mini jammers on Broadway. But, no, no, they're completely illegal in Australia. Partly because, say somebody is dying of a heart attack or, you know, a stroke or something that requires an emergency reaction. If you pull out your mobile phone, it's like, sorry, we didn't want anyone taking a phone call during this La Traviata. Sorry, you'll just have to die. Charles, like, you know, like, actually, isn't it better to just trust that adults will be sensible?

They'll put their phone on silence. and that we teach the kids of tomorrow that actually having a mobile phone comes with the responsibility of using it properly. But Charles. And training people up for the future. But kids these days, Charles.

Oh, kids these days. It's a very powerful argument. I think if the goal is to just deny kids that bit of happiness and just get them to pay attention in class and not be little shits, that's a much more valuable goal than calling in ambulances.

If people have to die and not get ambulances, just so that the kids can focus in class, their dying breath will be a happy one if they know that their sacrifice is enabled kids these days, kids these days, it's really fun ranting, isn't it? Kids these days to pay attention in class

like we used to do, Charles, by passing notes. Yeah, that's right. And by drawing. I used to draw. I wouldn't have gotten through school without being able to draw in my book. Yeah, I can't remember.

That sounds were very boring, if I remember. Yeah. A lot of them were anyway. But, see, I've got a slightly different take on this whole thing, because, like, I hate as much as anyone seeing your kids just face down in the screens the whole time. But that said, you also then go, they get so much information out of their screens as well. Like, my eldest son is obsessed with reptiles and snakes at the moment. And so every time he looks down on the screen, you go, what are you doing?

Oh, I'm reading Wikipedia about the herpetology of inland Taipans. But Charles, if you put his phone down, he could be playing with an actual Taipan. Why isn't he not playing with an actual Taipan? That's what he should be doing. Pick one up. Charles's son. I just reckon, it's just sort of, I don't know, I just feel like it's so wanting to go back to a different era that doesn't. And Charles, if you have a terrible accident during the.

course of recording the podcast, what I will do, I'll just release a carrier pigeon to your children and hope that at some point, so there's no need to rush, just, just, you know, I'll tie it to the night, Dad has died to the leg of the pigeon and eventually they'll find out the old-fashioned way. But what about school shootings? What happens, you know, if your kids are involved in a school shooting and they can't communicate their last words with you. It's very simple. What you do is, you'd make a paper plate and you write, Daddy I Love

You on the paper. You probably won't get through it, but the intentional. But this is the whole thing, is that if any emergency requires a mobile phone these days, who was it that actually publishes the app that warns you if there's a bushfire coming away? I believe that's also the Necathar's government, and this app uses mobile phones. That's also how the police let you know if there's missing people. people in the area, they send a blast to all my mobile phones.

If there's anything happening, they can now, if there's an emergency, they send a text message to a particular area. But how urgent are most of those things? Not really. So the last time, this is true, last time my, like a few weeks ago, actually, my son's school got completely locked down because there was a knife wielding. That's right. Yeah, remember that.

And he sent me, like, hardly sent me a text message. I remember. Just remember, I don't love you, dad. I never did. How's your kid going to get the opportunity for Snark without that? I know. Like if there's a bushfire coming, they can just use the landline to phone the school and then the school can deal with it, can't they?

You don't need to send it to every student. But it just goes to show. I like that for some of the time, New South Wales government views it as an essential emergency tool. Very hypocritical. Whereas for kids, I think kids need to learn to do these things longhand. And I want them to be. use fountain pens, Charles. I think

I really dislike barrows. I think they've really devalued the craft of writing. And inkwells. Yes. Why can't kids go back to inkwells and quills? No, I think it was a better time. Before that, hieroglyphics. Hieroglyphics. Yeah. They should be given stone tablets and a chisel.

And a chisel. And just carve out the message varies. Look at the Romans. All those tablets are still here today. Yes. That's the sort of tablets our kids should have in school. Forget your iPads. marble tablets to carve cuneiform into

and I think the first thing that the children in New South Wales will carve into their stone tablets is fuck you christenins for taking my phone away The Chaser Report news a few days after it happens

But no but you're right and this is a big question of do we actually live in the modern world or not or do we try and switch it off and I think we've come up with the conclusion which is back to cuner Uniform hieroglyphics. As long as they do it in Parliament first, as long as they block all the...

If they can get through a day in that place, yes. Without functioning mobile phones, if they can actually do it for 24 hours. Yes. Then they can maybe tell the kids that they shouldn't have phones. Okay, done. Now, Lachlan, what's Loughlin been up to? Lachlan, our producer, has just dropped into the studio.

Hello, Lachlan. So we're calling this a studio now. We're in Charles's basement. I call it my Fritzel-style basement. Actually, when we first moved in to my house, you know how kids just make friends with other kids at age very quickly? So they were literally about half a dozen kids

all playing in the basement. And then this parent drops by, you know, the back door and goes, hey, you know, like, have you seen my kids? Like, they're sort of three to five years old. You know, just running around the complex. And I said, oh, yeah, they're in my fritzels style basement. And then I realized, actually, not everyone has the same sense of humour as I did.

Anyway, that concludes this episode of basement review. Yeah, that's right. Back to what we were talking about, Charles. Why am I here? The reason you're here is because you came into the office earlier today. I did. You bounded in and you went, oh, I've just been writing sketches and broadcasting them on radio.

And you played me a sketch that you did in the wake of Labor winning the New South Wales election. and therefore having a clean sweep of Labor states all across the mainland states of Australia. Do you want to, should we play it for them? Yeah, please enjoy amateur sketchwriting. No, professional sketch, you're our producer. You've got to back yourself, mate. Okay, okay.

Please enjoy a cute little sketch. Yeah, the criticism will come after we've played it. Seeing red everywhere you look. We don't want labour. Want somewhere you can feel blue? Now we've got labour. Thanks, Liberals. Then come to Tasmania,

the last reminder of the Australia you loved. Well, don't stop forget about Tasmania, a little Tasmania. Where the only upset snowflakes you'll find are on top of Cradle Mountain. Forget it, guys, you're a disaster. A place where no one can accuse you of nepotism because here, everything's kept in the family. Somewhere you can lie under the stars

and just watch the sky after dark. has destroyed the Liberal Party, only Peter Dutton can save it. Visit an old Australia, a liberal Australia. Visit Tasmania. Inland Australia, it's all Labor now, so Labor, let's see how socialism works. Let's see Australia. Unless you're a socialist. Now, Charles, can I just say before, it's such a pleasure to have you on as a comedian who I've

looked up to and hide me on absolutely no credit. But it just sort of raised me up and built me into who I am today. And it's an honor to be able to sit next to you as a fellow professional sketch writer. And hear you say some nice words. So please, please. What did you think? No, no, I thought it was good. I was really expecting you to go raise and drop.

No, no, no. It's a shit sandwich, Loughlin. You say a general word of positivity and then you give your honest opinion, right? So I thought it was good. I think it was very confusing, right? Like, it was literally like three quarters of the way. And look, listeners, you know, Lachlan and I love each other. We do.

It's not like this. I actually asked Charles to sign a copy of his book the other day. Yeah, exactly. Like, it's a very equal relationship. But, no, no. But the thing is that I didn't quite understand that they were all grabs from unhinged Sky News commentators. Until about three quarters of the way through the sketch.

And maybe that's just me being dumb, right? But it feels to me like, like, that's a huge part of the premise of this whole thing. And then what I don't quite understand is, is it that Sky News has endorsed Tasmania? Like, is it an ad saying, you know, the preface for this, because this is going out onto live radio, I get called the day before and they're like, hey, you're going to be doing this is your talk segment. It's about, oh, okay, right. We're going to talk about how Sky News covered the election. And so they get on, and we have this like two-minute chat about that.

And then they go, oh, Lachlan, what have you got? And I play this little sketch. Right. Where it's prefaced as a brand new ad from Discover Tasmania, partnered with Rowan Dean. With Rowan Dean. Yeah. Sorry. We probably should have done that before we heard of the sketch.

No, this is good. This is fresh ears. This is how we do it. Yes. But I think, like, it had production values. It had, you know, it had clips of actuality. It had music bed and things like that. Why don't you fucking do that for our fucking podcast sometime?

I'll do it in this episode of The Chaser Report. Oh, okay. I guarantee if people continue to listen to this episode of The Chaser Report, they'll hear something gangbusters. Well, that is great. I know that we said we're in the basement. There is a bottom line. pit just next to you see that pit you know what that is you know it's my

fritzel style bottomless pit I am gonna now have to chuck you off oh okay edge into that bottomless pit and just stand here yes you just stand there I think you've got to pull that old rustic style leave up here we go I'll just do I'll just put ah Charles hello is that something groaning Charles Charles, what are you keeping down here? Sorry, it's not water, that's kerosene. Hold on, I'll just light this mat. Okay, great, I'd love to see.

Okay. Can you see a bit better now? Dom, can we get another producer? How much do they go? Not much. Our gear is from Road. We're part of the Iconiclass Network. Catch you tomorrow.

Thank you.