The Chaser Report - The Logies Need Better Security

Episode Date: August 19, 2024

Australian TV's night of nights has come and gone, and because we are still hungover from the afterparties we need to do a replay episode. In this episode we flash back to the time that Producer Lachlan managed to sneak into the Logies and cause all sorts of havoc. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gadigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is the Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to the Chaser Report with Charles and Dom. My name is producer Lachlan and I will be your chaperone this morning. Unfortunately, Charles is wherever he is in the country and Dom is still raw dogging. Yep, he loved it that much. He texted me to say, sorry, Lachlan, I'm doing a 24-hour raw dog and I can't do the podcast. could you please introduce a new episode for me?

Now, if you're a fan of network television, and I know you aren't, you might have noticed the Logies occurred this weekend, and I thought it'd be cool to do some Logies-themed content. Fun fact, not to, you know, promote myself or anything, but I actually went to the Logies last year. I wasn't invited, but I managed to sneak in, and I went straight to Charles and Dom to tell them of my wonderful accomplishments, and they thought this is worth an episode.

So rather than listening to any news about whatever tattoo Larry Emder got in his asshole or the fact that Tony Armstrong was absolutely robbed of winning the gold loggie, I thought we could relive this special moment. Today we've got a very special guest, Dom. We do because on Sunday night it was Australian television's Night of Nights. The night where Sonia Kruger somehow got the gold logie, even though the Logies had migrated from Melbourne to Sydney, and generally she's against that kind of thing.

Lachlan, Hodson, you were there. Sorry, Dom and Charles, I don't talk to non-Logie attendees like you. So this is all just a charity thing that I'm doing. Now that I am an official Logie attendee. I, fuck you. Be more after this. When does fast grocery delivery through Instacart matter most? when your famous grainy mustard potato salad isn't so famous without the grainy mustard.

When the barbecues lit but there's nothing to grill. When the in-laws decide that actually they will stay for dinner. Instacart has all your groceries covered this summer. So download the app and get delivery in as fast as 60 minutes. Plus, enjoy $0 delivery fees on your first three orders. Service fees exclusions and terms apply. Instacart, groceries that over deliver. So, Loughlin, just to clarify for everyone, you're our producer.

Yeah, just the producer. Our lowly producer of this podcast. I was shocked to get a text message last night from you, a selfie in the room at the Star Casino, clearly at the Logies. Yes. And I just thought, wow, well, Loughlin's career is going off. Yeah, so what happened? Like, you know, what, did podcast producers fuckwits get to go to the Logis?

Casting's big now, and I know you're a networker. You guys don't know about the new segment. It's like there's most outstanding podcast producer, most popular podcast producer. I wasn't nominated for either, of course. No, well, the Logies this year, there was the big move that Dom alluded to, the migration from Melbourne to Sydney.

And I thought, hey, I'm only 23. That means I've got maybe two decades before I'm actually invited to a Logies for anything myself, because I won't be able to get on TV. Very bold to assume that the Logies, will be around 20 years. That's the issue, I think. So I thought, well, this is my only chance to go. May as well rock up.

And I went with a fellow ex-intern of the Chaser Zander. I is. We scoped the building out. Were you invited? You're not with Star Casino. You gate crashed with the Loges. I was assuming you were Sonia Kruger's date or something. No, no, not Sonia Krueger.

He's white enough. He's white enough. He's got blonde hair. Yeah, I think that was. that'd be just fine. No, unfortunately, I haven't had enough work done yet to be able to qualify for any of that. Look, we've been to a few Logies before on, you know, invitation. Which led to some of the inspiration as well, mind you. And then also, voiceover artists for this podcast, Beck Dana Minow was doing all the voiceovers.

And we were invited. And my recollection of Crown Casina, certainly in Melbourne, which is only place we've ever been to, the security is very tight. Not tight enough, Dom. Not tight enough. Well, so Zander and I, do you recall this time during the election last year where Zander and a couple of the other interns and I went to go and prank Scott Morrison at a presser? Yes.

And we turned up and I was like, oh, maybe we should try and blend in by wearing, I don't know, a button-up shirt. And they all turned up in in hoodies and crocs. Yes, that's right. And didn't Zander turn up with no shoes on us? Yeah, no, he does that. I can confirm Zander and I were both wearing shoes. We suited up just for the occasion and we'd scoped out the casino. before Star Casino

It felt a lot like actually being in one of those heist movies because we were there to crash into a casino, security guards, a bunch of cops everywhere as well and we had all the locations scoped out from the red carpet to all of the side exits.

I mean, traditionally a heist is serious heist is where you get something quite valuable whereas what you got was the ability to watch a much more tedious and more drawn-out version of the Logies than the one on TV which was three and a half hours long. As someone who has now been to the Logies, I can give my full professional endorsement

on just staying at home and watching them. And not watching them. I watched Sam Pang's monologue this morning. That's all I watched it. It was very good. I thought Sam Pang was very funny. That's it. You had about six hours more than you needed.

Because there was obviously a lot of stuff that I got to see that you guys didn't get to see. Did the submarine Lego joke make it into the final cut? Because it was a setup for the later... It was a set-up. It was a brilliant setup. Brilliant. Charles, you'll like this. Can't tell him what the joke was.

Yeah, yeah, so Sampang is delivering, obviously, part of the opening monologue. And Sampang said this. And the most recent season of Lego Masters saw contestants take on their biggest challenge yet, building social connections and interacting with other human beings. And a win tonight would cement Lego Masters as Australia's premier entertainment show

and also provides some comfort after the unfortunate episode, where five contestants were lost in the Lego Submarine Challenge. Ooh. Oh, indeed. Very tasteless. Too soon.

Some might say. Not us, but it's too late for us. It's not a topical reference for this podcast anymore. But the only joke that I think was just as good as that, which was Carl's joke about Koshy here. I heard Koshy say he loves bumps, season three.

Did anyone miss here? that? Because I'm pretty sure I did. Anyway, the headlines tomorrow morning. I think he's trying to make a cocaine joke here about Koshy on cocaine. Yes. Oh, very clever. Don't worry, Charles. You weren't the only one who didn't get it. As we just heard, no one else understood this joke. But yeah, no, breaking into the Logies. So how did you do it? Was it? How did we do it? It was very impressive. I mean, did you fabricate some kind of incredibly, you know, sophisticated disguise? Yes, yes. Did you have a, like, because previously we've gotten into things with fake

Lanyards that we've done in Photoshop to look exactly like the real thing. Maybe a mate got you in. Maybe Tom Gleason smuggled you in or something. We did try to have a certain Roocastle, comma, Craig smuggles in. Oh, he was there, wasn't it? He was there. When I saw Craig, he was genuinely horrified that we were there. I think that we upset him quite a lot.

So sorry Craig for doing that. He's changed. We had no one on the inside. No one was willing to send us photos of their passes. Cisenda and I, we got kicked out. We tried to walk onto the red carpet confidently. I don't think you have passes. Is this the first time in the history of Australia that two white guys haven't just gotten help from people who shouldn't have had help before?

These are not the Logies that Sonia Krueger would stand for. Craig's kicking the letter out from behind him. But we did see a few people walking onto the red carpet, which we couldn't get onto, holding some formal looking red and black passers that had official Logies branding all over it. So we ducked out to office works and built this. Oh my God, that is great. So we're looking at a black piece of cardboard

and on a gold texter that someone's written the Logans on it and drawn a picture of what seems to be... Don't let this person in. Is the only thing you say? This is a very bad... It's an extremely amateurish effort. That is the worst forgery I've ever seen. Well, the only worst more amateur job was this one.

There's a red envelope with the word fake written on it in black text. Let's put these up on the chase of socials. That is great. And these got you in? No. These didn't get us in. I would hope, no. I mean, it's in an age of Photoshop, it's almost an arrogantly shit job that you did putting that in.

We are striving for mediocrity. I mean, my daughter can't get her letters. the right way around, right? She does her asses backwards. She would have done a bit more courage up than that. Not even these, unfortunately, could get us in. We tried suits. We tried lanyards that didn't have anything on them.

A lanyard was clever. But it turns out that you actually didn't need any of this stuff to get in. All you needed was to know the right button on the elevator. So we spent all this time trying to walk through onto the red carpet, getting brushed aside, a couple of side entrances that we checked out, again, we got told to move away from, and we're getting a bit tired at this point. We've been there for four hours, just trying to walk in. So the Logie Security held up for four hours.

They did. They held up for four hours, and then it got to about half an hour before the proper event had started at about 7 o'clock. And I just kind of go, Zanda, look, I feel like tapping out, can I just go grab a water? I go, I have to pay for the water, so I didn't get any complimentary drinks. I go and I buy this water and I bump into a staff member, and she goes, goes, oh, what did you pay for that one for? You could have got them for free at level three. And I went, what do you mean?

She's like, where the Logies are, level three. You can't go to level three if you aren't part of the Logies. So you're going to level three, right? And I went, oh, yeah, of course. Of course, three, yes. Walked into an elevator, press the level three button, walked about 20 metres and found myself in the center of Australian TV's Night of Nights. Extraordinary.

One elevator was all it took. When does fast grocery delivery through Instacart matter most, when your famous grainy mustard potato salad isn't so famous without the grainy mustard? When the barbecues lit, but there's nothing to grill, when the in-laws decide that actually they will stay for dinner. Instacart has all your groceries covered this summer, so download the app and get delivery in as fast as 60 minutes. Plus, enjoy $0 delivery fees on your first three orders.

Service fees exclusions and terms apply. Instacart, groceries that over-deliver. The Chaser Report. More news. Less often. Well, this takes me back to the first and best stunt that we probably ever did, the race card. Yes. Because at the Wentworth Hotel where the Liberal Party, Victory Party was.

And there was a lift with me and one camera crew, and then another, where we got on in one lift, trying to get down to the ballroom where the Victory Party was. And there was another lift with Craig and another camera. camera guy, Kev, our good friend, and Kev's lift, someone pressed down to stop it, and they got out directly on it, and we couldn't get in. So my lift went all the way down to the, uh, just down to the ground, we couldn't get in. Yeah, but someone just pressed down and there he was banging in the middle of it. So always rely on a lift. This is the moral of this. Because they're not designed to be in better trouble because someone presses down or whatever or forgets

to program level three. Yeah. Boom. Well, that was the insane thing to me. I had seen so many people with passes and cards that they were showing to security and it turns out we could have just paid a hundred bucks to go to the Logies but that would have been

wildly out of course Yeah there was a public tier this year for a hundred bucks Wow they're getting desperate aren't they? I'm not going to the Logies by invite it's because my invite got lost in the mail I mean they should be paying you

$100 to be there because there's a program for seat warmers right like they pay seat warmers to be there That's what Craig thought Zander and I were And the thing is the thing is it's so tedious that actually the seat one was a force to watch most of the ceremony while the celebrities who see the dairy are in the toilet doing lunch.

Well, they, a few years ago, like about a decade ago, they made it so that you could only drink while you're in the auditorium to try and encourage people. I think that was mainly because... Because of us. We just told everyone, come out here and drink. We go in the lobby. There was just drinks in the lobby.

And you didn't have to watch the Logie. So everybody just was in the foyer. I mean, that's the only way. that anyone could have possibly enjoyed them. Charles sent a challenge to me very early when I told him I'd broken my way in. And you said, Charles, your challenge, should you choose to accept it,

is don't fall asleep during every single acceptance speech. I can say that I didn't fall asleep. I just started contemplating suicide. I mean, the best text I got, which I sort of mentioned to other people today, is that at the very end of the night is the text saying, honestly I wish I'd just stayed in bed

which is exactly what I mean the thing we're still going because I was vaguely curious about who won gold this year because there's some interesting for sure McCarlaf had won gold even Lee sales that would have been interesting or if Sonia Krue could run up we would have known that

let's just say that various indiscretions in her professional past had been conveniently overlooked by the voting public so yeah I wanted to know who won and I looked at online at 1130 I thought there must be a mistake I haven't announced it would still fucking going it was long and back on

over the voiceover, had said very early on in the night, these speeches are to go for 30 seconds only. First award went to Colin from accounts, and so Patrick and Harriet got up to accept it and went easily over five minutes in the first speech. And that was... They killed at the Bifters as well. Oh, yeah, yeah, they nailed it. But this was the problem. Then they won five more awards. Ah, no. And they went, maybe they had to challenge themselves to go longer each time. On the fifth award, you're really going, oh, I've got to stretch this one. All right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I thought the only thing that was extended longer than that was Daryl Summers actually presenting the Gold Logie. Did either of you see this? No, God, no. I read this custom. It was an auction. So, awkward and terrible. So you never grew up with Haye Hey, Hey, at Saturday. So you don't realize the whole format was Darryl Summers extending out.

Just padding. Padding. It was three hours of petting. We were all ready in there for an hour longer than we were supposed to be. I mean, it was already the world's most tedious show. Darrell's padding was actually the best thing about it because when the padding stopped, they had a segment. And that was shit-out.

But the other thing about Darrell is that he would have been up there whenever he does any public event, he's trying to get Hay-Hey back on TV with the 23rd reboot. The man will, even when he's in the grave, he's still going to be popping up going, reboot, it's still a good show. So that's what it would have been. He would have been pitching another series of Hay-Hay.

Well, I can't say that people would be saying no to him considering the state that they were. all in there. I managed to actually walk up to, because everyone from the industry was there and I'm just a lowly producer. But I just assumed you were meant to be there. Yeah, exactly. And that was the only thing I had going for me. No, they probably thought you were some hot neighbours star. I got to ask Koshy for investment tips. I got to say to Mick Molloy that I'm a big fan of Cracker Jack. He would have loved that. Oh, he did. He did love that. I wish I'd known that because I went on his show this morning and was telling you about your adventures and he was very

happy about it. And I wish I'd said, did some dipship mention Cracker Jack to you? Yeah. Because that was a joke. No, well, look, I think it would have added something to have someone who, because everyone there would have been very jaded and bored with it all. And there's one person who was probably in the first 10 minutes you were there.

You were genuinely excited to be there. Oh, live it. I was on top of the world. And then the opening monologue finished. Now, can I just ask? So you broached basically Star Casino Securities. you think maybe you can use the same method to get down to their vault. Oh. Oh, we're talking about it, like, Ocean's 11.

Yeah, to get into the casino vault. It depends. What the level does the elevator go to? You went to the level with all the gold logies. Yeah, a 24-carat gold logie this year. Whereas what you should have done is press the button to find out which level, or just ask the attendant. Yeah, what level is all.

valuable is the vault on and they'll just go oh that's on level two was i mean yeah i will say it was sort of this kind of when we were walking home at one in the morning i kind of had this weird point of contention where i'm like that was almost too easy like we were there for a long time we kept trying but the fact that we got in at all like i had a big microphone that i had in my pocket because i thought that i might be able to do an interview there but that could have just as easily been a shop gun so like a shotgun you could have killed off the Australian industry. Oh no, wait a minute. It's done that by itself. That's Netflix. There's nothing to kill. That obviously the night ended. So Sonia Kruger had won the gold,

much to our demise. We thought that's where we're tapping out. We didn't even want to go to any after parties. Well, because it was in Sydney, there wouldn't have been. There wouldn't have been. At midnight, everyone had to go home. Actually, did the police come and say, well, hang on, it's after 10. Well, that was what had to get an exemption for the Collins from Accounts speech. when we were leaving and we were kind of admittedly we'd been a bit nervous that someone was going to bust

and kick us out because we the funny thing was everyone else there was seated and we were the only two people in the building who were just walking around from side to side over the entire night so every time I made eye contact with someone I thought they know they know

but of course they didn't because they were drunk off their asses but when we did eventually leave we walked past a massive line of security guards guarding the exit red carpet. And because we were probably some of the first people to duck out, I think they were a bit more cluey and a security guard looked at me and he said, you know, if you leave now, mate, you'll never be able to get back in. And I said to him, that is the best thing I've heard all night. Outstanding.

Now, for your next trick, Loughlin, for 2024, do the same thing with a person of colour. Is Sonia Kruger going to be there? If she gets her way, yeah, you'll not. No, no, absolutely. We'll not be going to get it. Aguiz from Ride with part of the iconic class network. And Lachlan, congratulations. Thank you, Dom.

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