The Chaser Report - The Norovirus Princess

Episode Date: March 17, 2026

In a blast from the past, Dom has a story about a cruise ship carrying a mass of people sick with a horrible virus. 2020 just called, and it wants its storyline back. ---Listen AD FREE: https://thechaserreport.supercast.com/ Follow us on Instagram: @chaserwarSpam Dom's socials: @dom_knightSend Charles voicemails: @charlesfirthEmail us: [e-mail] CEO’s Super-yacht upgrade Fund: https://chaser.com.au/support/ Send complaints to: [e-mail] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gatigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report with Dom and Charles. And Charles, you remember the salad days, the good old days of the Chaser Report during COVID? Well, you literally had nothing better to do. They'd make two episodes of the podcast every single day during lockdown. Yes. Oh, those huge audiences back then, everyone was so depressed and we were depressed with them.

One of the great delights of the COVID period for me is back with us again. And I'm not one usually for taking delight in the miseries of others, Charles. But I make an exception when those people are on board cruise ships. And after the ads, I will reveal the horrible story of the star princess. Now, Dom, was the star princess the one that got, wasn't there a star princess in Sydney? Oh, there was some sort of princess. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was called the Carnival Princess.

It was a diamond princess. The ship that was stuck there and everyone came aboard was the Ruby Princess, the Ruby Princess. The Ruby Princess, right. And the federal court heard, I'm just looking here, they were negligent and engaged in misleading representations. 800 COVID cases were on board the majestic princess in 2022 when it docked in Sydney. So basically, it's not just ships with princess in the name, Charles, but it is a lot of ships with princess in the name. And I don't know whether it's carnival cruises,

whether something's cursed when you call it a princess. Megan Markle's coming to Sydney soon to tell us about her life. She'll probably argue that it is. Or it's just the nature of cruise ships. But let's just take a moment to recognize the people with enough time and money to go on these things often have the worst time in the world. Norovirus, Charles. Norovirus has done it again.

COVID's receded into the background, but Norovirus is still kicking goals. Nearly one in ten people on board this ship fell sick. 153 people, 104 of them were passengers. 49 of them were crew members. They were stricken with diarrhea and vomiting. Oh, diarrhea and vomiting. I thought noravirus was just one of the common cold viruses.

It can give you those sorts of symptoms, but it can be pretty severe. and so yeah, additional rounds of cleaning and disinfection were done. Can you imagine the pressures that the toilet system on a cruise ship goes under when norovirus runs through? Do you think they have a sort of brown alert or something like that that goes off? Code brown. It probably does. But also, Charles, you know what they have on cruise ships, buffets. So that's how they spread it.

I don't know for sure. It can be any number of things. It can be sweating on the buffets. It can be sweating. people in the nightclubs, you know, doesn't ever cheat on cruise ships? It can be, yeah, passing on in the dance, dance floors. It can be, I don't know, people playing shuffleboard. I don't know how you get it, but norovirus is the one that you get through your hands.

So being handsy and sharing food utensils, that's, it's, it's the, the buffet is a big problem. And this, this star princess, it's got a clear dome over its concert venue. It's got 30 bars and restaurants. Think of the code brown aboard that. Oh my goodness. And is the idea that... Because it aren't a lot of these cruise ships basically just for retirees to go around

because it's cheaper than renting a place in Sydney now. Yes, that's right. Some people have worked out that it's actually cheaper to just permanently go on cruises than live in Sydney. So is this sort of wiping out our older population? Like is this a sort of... Like, is Norovirus deadly for old people? I don't know.

I think it can be, particularly to young kids. But I would think, yeah, I would think that some elderly people, I don't know about the Star Princess, but that can't be good for old people, can it? Yeah. So we need to, I mean, so what you're saying, this is a good news story, though, isn't it? Like, misery on board a cruise ship is never not wanted.

Yeah, it's got high mortality. It's a 20 times higher case fatality ratio for the elderly. Right, yes. Because diarrhea is actually one of the... I think it's the most common cause of death in the world, right? Is it? So you're paying all this money to basically live like a unit developing country with an uncertain food supply where there's E. coli and all of the food.

That's what you're getting on board a cruise ship. In the UK, it's actually more commonly known as the vomiting bug. Yes. So it's vomiting and diarrhea, basically. And actually, the key advisory on the NHS website for the UK is do not drink, fruit juice or fizzy drinks with the norovirus. Oh, good advice. They would make it worse.

So the CDC says if you have norovirus illness, you can feel extremely ill and vomit or have diarrhea many times a day, leading to dehydration, particularly in young children, older people and the people with other illnesses. So yeah, it's not, it's not great. And if you're under five years old, they suggest calling 911. Not 911, one-one, which is the emergency. So it's actually very bad for young. young people.

Just to clarify, I think you'll find my one's the non-emergency NSS. Oh, the non-emergency line in the UK. But still, yeah, it is, it's a serious condition. But I mean, this is the great equation of being old, Charles, and we're getting older. So we've got to start thinking about this. Do you go on a cruise ship? It must be fun on some level. I don't see how being on a giant floating casino would be in any way fun, but people

seem to find it fun. Is it worth it to just have the fun, given the very likely risk of having norovirus and dying. Do you reckon all that joy and then a horrible, brutal death? You know what I think is true is that if you get the norovirus, say somewhere else, then you're then immune to it, right, for a while. Oh, really? To that particular breed, yeah, it's always mutating.

Yeah, but, you know, like for the next few weeks you'll be fine. Yes. So that is the perfect time to go on a cruise ship. That's a brilliant idea. As soon as you get a norovirus, hop on a cruise ship, you'll be over it in a couple of days. Yes. You might infect others, but you'll be okay. Well, you'll definitely infect others.

But that's all right, because that just reduces the cues on the buffet and clears the dance floor so that you can do your moves. Very, very sensible. I'm just looking at the frequently Googled phrases under norovirus. What color is poo with norovirus? It's green, Charles. Green poo. So think of the green poo, all that being discharged.

Do you think they bury the old lit sea if they die on a cruise ship? Do you think that's what they do? Do they jettison? Well, is it one of those things? I know that, yeah, I don't know, because people must die on cruise ships all the time. Can you get cremated in the giant, I don't know, engine, in the in the smokestack? Surely they'd just chuck you off. They wouldn't.

Bring you back? Yeah. Or would they just shove you in the freezer alongside the hot dog, you know, supplies? Probably. Yeah. But is the idea that, because I know that essentially on flights, especially international flights, No one ever dies, right? And the reason for that is because it's a huge amount of paperwork.

And so what happens is... And this happened, I was once on a flight where somebody was in genuinely bad way. Yeah, yeah. And I think had sort of died, right? Yeah. And they instead put the body, like the person who was, I was literally sitting next to. I had to move for a while. Well, you would have wanted to, I imagine.

Yeah. Yeah. But they put the person in one of the, you know, staff areas where they... Oh, not in the toilet. I've heard that put them in the toilet. Ooh, like Ferris Pulas. And then locked the toilet. But no, this was...

There was a sort of staff bed area that they put it in. And then... But, you know, my understanding is... And I think I actually talked to somebody on that flight who went, I don't know, they won't have been declared dead. They'll be declared dead. They'll get onto the ground. And then suddenly it'll be like, oh.

This person died right now. Oh my goodness. What a shock. This person we're trundling off. And that solves the whole paperwork problem because then you've got a form that you can fill out and go, oh, this person died in Sydney or whatever, rather than this person died. So spoiler alert, for those who haven't watched Succession, Logan Roy, hella, hella paperwork at midair. Yes.

Yes, exactly. Yes. But, see, I don't know. That's why I just found Succession so unrealistic. Dick. Also the notion that a Burdock-like figure would actually not survive to the other series. That seems very unrealistic. Or would die ever.

The Chaser Report. Less news. Less often. It does make me wonder, Charles. And there's a bit of an about turn. But a lot of comedians do go on cruises. A lot of our friends have just done heaps of cruise. Yeah, yeah.

Comedy cruising. Should the Chaser Report have a cruise? Well, see, the problem with comedy. cruises, I can tell you, knowing several people who do it regularly, is it takes you out of the rest of the comedy market. It takes up your time. You get paid quite well. I think they're quite fun and everything like that.

But you then stop jobbing as a comedian on land and essentially you become a sea-faring specialist. A sea dog. A sea dog. And so there's a little bit of a trap involved in becoming a comedy cruise specialist. See. Yeah, no, we know some people who've done this. But I think a podcast cruise where you can't escape from the audience.

We're dreary middle-aged men. We just stack with dreary middle-aged men. And once or twice a day, yeah, we just get together in, I don't know, one of the spaces somewhere and just complain as per usual. But isn't the problem that everyone has their own podcast now days? Yeah. There wouldn't be a single person to listen to them. On the cruise. Yeah, that's true.

One's busy recording their own podcasts all the time. But in a sense, that's probably a better activity to do at a cruise than, I don't know, shuffleboard. I mean, I sure the podcasts are not being boring, but shuffleboard must be very tedious. Well, why don't we, I think we should definitely launch our podcast cruise on one of the princesses. That's where the drama happens. Yeah. We'll have plenty to talk about. But as long as there's someone who can mind the children, I mean, that's basically,

doing this in the interest of having some form of childcare. Can you drop them off at a kids club or something? Or are you stuck with them for the whole two weeks or whatever it is? Well, the friends that I have who go on cruises are all friends who have fairly young kids. Right. And they just go and they use it as childcare. Like essentially the kids clubs are apparently unbelievably good. And they have things like every type of video console available ever.

Although that said, absolutely ground zero for norovirus. Like if there's any bugs on the ship, you're all getting it. Almost worth it for babysitting. Well, look, this is, this sounds positive. Well, if any cruise companies want to reduce the enjoyment of their passengers by hosting a podcast cruise, I think it could be a thing. It could be just one of those cruises that just goes around in Australia. It could just be a slow way of getting from Sydney to the Melbourne Comedy Festival.

Yeah, that's a good way to do it. Yeah, okay. Better than the train. The cheap version of that is the comedy train The comedy train The all might horrible train Between Sydney and Melbourne Recording podcast

We could knock off two weeks Worth of episodes on that Charles And That sounds like something we'd do in our 20s Yes it does I did that in my 20s That true And I mean the number of VBs

Like everyone's boonie on that train The bars open all night From memory Fuck Yeah And the great thing is because it's because the track is riveted not welded if I recall correctly or some train nerd or get in touch on podcast chaser.com.com and correct me but whatever it is having having ridden on smooth

trains this is one that just shakes the whole time i don't think they're supposed to do that yeah i don't think they're supposed to shake from side to side fast trains no i think yeah but maybe you know that's part of the fun distinctively australian form of you know it's like a bucking bronco yeah all right like okay The comedy train. What an awful experience. If you ought to come on board, the comedy train. Sydney to Melbourne.

Oh my God, no, that's definitely something we can't. The comedy train, we're going to do it. It sounds like, it doesn't sound fun. It sounds like something memorable. It should be across Australia. We should do the Garh. Or the Indian Pacific. The Indian Pacific.

They do a five-day comedy bonanza. Panza. Would it be a bonanza though, Charles? Would it be? All right. Well, no, you've got to go and do your show. So we'll let you go and do wank. You found a way of getting around without needing to do cruises.

So well done to you. Yeah. The Wankanomics cruise, actually, that would be you could actually get the people who run the cruise line to give investor presentations before you do Wankanomics. Hamish and Andy about a year ago did a work conference comedy thing, which is like a three-day offside on the Gold Coast. And it was done as a comedy work conference. and so everyone buying tickets

the tickets were I think about six or seven hundred dollars it was called the the Hamish and Andy work conference or something like that and so it looked like you could expense it on oh the thing but it was actually a conference and it was sort of satirising workplace humour

it was sort of a little bit wankanomicsy I think but it's funny because you go like like that's set like you start out going oh that sounds like a really good idea and then you think about what it would be like to be in an all-day comedy conference. And you go, like a writer's room.

God, no, not again. Oh, my God. That'd be horrific. Although, I have two words for you, Charles, that I want to set you forth into the world to do something. And I want to come to it. Wankanomics, Davos. Yes.

So this is either, Wankanomics at Davos, the actual Davos, or Wankanomics version of Davos. Yes. Either of them is good. Okay, no, no, but we do it at, I think actually at Davos.

Or just the next town or something. Yeah, the next town. Yeah, at Davos. David's place. Somebody called Davo. Yeah, we know somebody called Davo. Yes. It might have to be in London.

We should do it at Davo's house. That's a great idea. All right. Okay. Just it in his living room. Book it in. When can I reach Davos? I think that's...

Well, I'm seeing Daveo next month. I'll ask him. Pitch it. Pitch it. All right. Well, there you go. This is part of the iconic class network. We'll catch you next time.

See ya.