The Chaser Report - The NRL White Powder Mystery | Craig Reucassel

Episode Date: September 29, 2021

After observing how no journalists can identify the mysterious white powder surrounding NRL players, Craig tries to solve the mystery once and for all. Meanwhile Lachlan has received his first ever sponsor, though it hasn't gone exactly to plan, and Charles tries to solve America's financial crisis. Plus the curious case of a Danish artist taking the money and running. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today's episode of The Chaser Report is brought to you by COVID disaster payments. They may be ending, but don't worry, the total inadequacy of the doll lasts forever. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report for Thursday the 30th, the September. 2021, I'm Dom Knight, Charles Firth and Gabby Bolt. Hello to you. Hello. Hello, and guess what is happening in America?

It's all paradise because Joe. Biden's fixing everything? No, they're running out of money. Again? You remember how every few years they have this thing called a debt ceiling? Yeah, the fiscal cliff. Yeah. And in Congress, all the Republicans are saying, oh, well, we're not going to increase the debt ceiling, which means that America, the American government will run out of money on about the 19th of October this year and they just won't be able to pay any of their

debts. Didn't this happen recently in the Democrats were like, okay, we'll increase it again because you always do because you don't want to go bank. but now that they're in charge, the Republicans are just going, no, fix it yourselves. Yes, exactly. So isn't the entire country in debt anyway, so it's just kind of the Congress catching up with the citizens? It's an arbitrary artificial limit that they've placed on themselves through a law.

Yeah, that's right. They're allowed to borrow as much as they like if they wanted to, because everyone's willing to give them a credit card. But they're just, you know, they've got these law that says they're not allowed to do it. Anyway, point is, I've got some solutions for them. Oh, good for you. I'm glad someone's, you. you know, addressing this problem.

So, first one is, because I sometimes go through debt ceilings of my own and fiscal cliffs. Sure. So I'm not very good with money. And so what I am suggesting is that what they should do, so they've got this whole, I think it's like $3 trillion worth of government debt, and they can't pay it off and they're running out, you know, they can't increase their limit. What they should do is they should get another credit card, like a fresh amount of debt, right? and use that to pay off the first one,

which is good, because that's what I do with my credit cards. Every time I max out my credit card, you just get another one and use that one to pay the last one off. I think we need to say, for legal purposes, this is not financial advice. Yeah. Nothing Charles does is advice. This is why I've never actually gotten a credit card in my life

because I hear tales like that. But I think, you know what? I don't want debt when I'm dead. No, but Charles, they could ask Canada. They could get Canada to help. They could borrow Canada's credit card and pay for the $3 trillion, and then owe Canada.

They should make a kind of afterpay, like a US pay, you know. Oh, yeah, that's right, because you put the $3 trillion on after pay, and then the maximum amount that you have to pay if you miss a debt payment is $70, I think. That's good. And then when they can't do that, then they do it on zip money and then Kleiner and just could go for years. Latitude pay, it's all out there. But I do like the idea of borrowing Canada's credit card, but I think a better way is, to just get married to a richer nation.

You know how a really good way? Because I married somebody who's richer than me, right? And it's just great because she has good income. You're just going to sit there off the... And you love her. And I love her and everything. And so, you know, yeah, Canada would work. But Norway works.

Saudi Arabia's very rich. That's true. And they're already in cahoots with the Saudis. They may as well make it official. Yes. They might not be treated well, though, if they marry Saudi Arabia. I don't think that marital spouses do very well in that country. They won't be allowed to drive.

Isn't this what loan sharks are for? Don't you just go and do a deal with someone and pay them like 10% a week or something? And then they neck cap you when you can't do it. When money gets too hard, I just turn off my brain. I don't really know how any of this works. I don't know why the mint can't just make more money. It's a place where money's made. That's a good point.

They have the US Treasury. Why can't they just print $3 trillion? I've asked this a million times. And every single time there's like a bunch of economy bros ready in the comments, like because they start blah blah blah no i don't get it print more money i love how gabby has actually stumbled upon modern monetary theory which is the ticot comments the new trendy economic theory of the 2020s so congratulations gabby you have actually solved the problem all i'm saying is i'd be a better treasurer than josh friedberg because you know what i do the moment people started running out

i just tell them in to print some it's just not a problem everyone's rich and therefore no one is On today's show, Craig Rookastle is going to take a look at a crime mystery involving a mysterious substance and an NRL team. What could it be? And Lachlan has obtained an amazing product that he's going to give it to Gabby. Oh, nice. I hope it's not weird. But all that and more coming up after this with a record Auna Muno in the Chaser Newsroom.

The US government has announced that it could run out of money by the end of the month, potentially causing a global fiscal crisis. The country's many tax-dodging billionaires have expressed great concern and have demanded that some solution be found. Victorian police have put out a request for any information that could identify who has been responsible for incidents of police brutality in the state. They have also asked for help identifying a group of people who know how to investigate crimes.

A public health warning has been put in place for children in Sydney following reports of George Pell being seen in the region. Experts stress that all children should stay at least 1.5 metres away from Pell at all times. That's the latest Chaser News you can't trust. I'm Rebecca Deunamuno, and I'm in no way liable for that last headline. Today's episode of The Chaser Report is sponsored by the COVID disaster relief payments. Put in the disaster in disaster relief payments. Hello, Craig.

Hey, guys. Welcome back. Yeah, it's good to be here. I was thinking that we should put our brains together and help out because I've noticed that the news and the police are struggling at the moment. This is a common story at the moment. I'd only seen it was a lot of white substances turning up in places, right? I never seem to know what it is.

So Nadia Bartel was seen with a white substance. Police dismissed it. Couldn't figure out what it was. I saw that the Melbourne Storm team have been caught on their day off. after losing, celebrating in their hotel room, and they were caught with a white substance on a table there. But again, the news just said white substance. No one seems to better figure out what it is.

I wondered if we could just maybe, like, have a crack to see, because it seems like this is a growing scourge. Yeah, I mean, I'm no criminologist, but I mean, there's a multitude of things a white substance could be. There are a lot of things. It's obviously hard to narrow down. I mean, the Melbourne storm thing's pretty obvious, isn't it? Like I just assumed that they'd just finished a rugby league match and they wanted to wash their jersey.

So it'd be like sard wonder powder. Oh, you'd have to go in like a little group laundry sash? Yeah. That's lovely. That's true because you get some vicious stains after a preliminary final. You do. You can when you lose. Yeah, the stain of defeat washed off.

I was thinking it might be flour because I imagine that in rugby league circles, you know, they call it Mad Monday. but I suspect it's actually more like baking Monday and they get together and just make cookies and just bond. They get completely off their face just on sugar. Yeah. It's on cast of sugar and flour. Could be sugar too.

I mean, also, I mean, when it's their white substance, vanilla ice cream is a white substance. And given it was a party. Yes. I mean, who doesn't like ice cream at a party? Criminal if you don't have ice cream at a party. I will say though, too. I mean, I hear that exercise is rather extraneous.

I wouldn't know as somebody who doesn't do it myself, but I hear that talcum powder gets thrown around. Yeah, it's probably chafing. They must be fucking real. They must just be like patting down each other's in the thighs. Just a bit. Yeah, exactly. Although maybe, you know, it was, you know, it was after the sporting season,

they wanted to do something a little bit more sciencey. They'd got themselves some of that baking soda. Oh. And they were going to get some vinegar and make some. Volcanoes. Some bottle rocket. That would be, see, now, isn't that, that's a fun thing for a Mad Monday. The weird thing about it is, and this is just, like, based on, it could be any of those things, really.

And I just wondered if this narrowed it down at all, because they seem to be, and the weird thing is they seem to be poking it with, like, a credit card. And they've got a rolled up note that they seem to be using to, like, move it around with their nose. So I don't know, like, I mean, that's not how I eat my ice cream. I think that'd be dangerous for your sard wonder soap kind of thing. It's really mystifying as to what it could be I think someone was sculpting I think they had a block of beautiful marble there And one of the players just was creating a beautiful sculpture

Maybe you've just sculpture Yeah Art is a very good thing for Mad Monday That's right And you get all the dust All the dust and then they were selling it on a credit card You know someone bought it And they had to take a credit card order

That could be what it was I don't want to point any fingers You know at criminologists right but I feel like maybe they were also cops on the side because I hear that like they might have just been like looking at those credit cards and that bank rolls for fingerprints. I mean, fingerprint powder. Like they'll probably just. Oh, yes, dusting them.

They were doing their due service. I mean, coronavirus has really killed a lot of industries. They're just working two jobs like the rest of us. Yeah, okay. I mean, I was wondering whether it could be. I mean, this is the embarrassing thing. This is why the news never wants to mention this and never wants to say the names. And this is a bit of a radical idea.

But it could just be that it's dandri. I mean, it's really embarrassing. In there. Yeah, I mean, you know, you're just like, oh, God, I've got a got dandah from the table. I'm going to push it together with this credit card and then I'm going to blow it away with my nose using this $100 bill. It's a very good idea. Or in a similar vein, it could have been money laundering, which I understand to be when your dollar notes get a little bit of dirty. So you get that washing powder out again, just give them a little bit of a little bit of a bath.

And they're cleaning the notes, clean the notes. Good for credit cards too. You just give them a bit of a bit of a bath in the sink. Look, I just want to return to talcum powder, though, because Talcum powder can also. It could also solve chub rub inside your nostrils. I mean, who's to say it doesn't work? That's true. Who's to say, like, they might have just been a bit cold.

It could have been fucking suitor fed, you know, a little bit, oh, a bit grassed up from the weak, boys. And also, because you're constantly having people run into your nose and smash your nose constantly. That's great. Enormous about a chafing in there. Yeah. That's, that's making a lot of sense.

Oh, it's just dust. It's probably just dust. Dust isn't white, Dom. No, it's because what they probably did, a chalk dust. Oh, chalk dust. They're already. They were starting their plans for the next season, and someone had a chalkboard out. Oh, they could just already begin planning out all the different moves they were going to do, yeah.

Oh, they're planning, yeah. Getting the formations. Here's where we went wrong. See the way, you know, you ran through here and I passed it there. Yeah, with the white chalk. And, oh, isn't it awful when that white chalk dust gets up your nose? Yeah, yeah. That would lead to a white substance on a table.

So awkward with that. Yeah, yeah. What was Nadia Bartel planning? Marshallows. You know how much, you have white marshmallows. those little bits of white marshmallow dust, terribly inconvenient when that gets up your nose. I can see the problem here.

I can see why the police are struggling with this so much. And the journalists and that, you mean, you think somebody at Channel 9 would be an expert on white substance on a table. But there's apparently no journalists can figure it out. I think I remember actually the Logies, seeing some people who might not be in this chat with that marshmallow dust. I didn't even know they had marshmallows at the Logies. But yeah, people from Channel 9 seem to have a lot of that stuff.

10-year-old me, I loved candy, guys. I was walking around the Logies just fucking shoving my face with fucking... Oh, Sherbet. That's right. It was Wisphys. The toilets at the Logies. Yeah. Everyone's doing Wispies with those little spoons. It's very dusty.

It's weird, Charles, because it was a lot of dandruff around you, but you have no hair. That's really weird, isn't it? I mean, it couldn't be dandriff then. I don't clean the bathrooms at these, like, executive celebrity functions. It seems like they're always dusty. They clean it with a similar note at the... Did you hear about the Met Gala bathrooms are always dusty? The Logie bathrooms are always dusty.

The Mee bathrooms. Like, come on, clean the bathrooms. No wonder pandemic spread. No one's cleaning bathrooms. Or if they are, they're doing it with their nose. This is, we've got to have a higher level of, like, kind of control going forward. Anyway, it's a great mystery. But, you know, if you guys didn't give anything, just, um, hit me up.

But anyway, speaking of nostrils, I have some Coke in the storeroom. Does anyone want to? Oh, yeah. Love's not. God, you're giving a line. Today's episode of The Chaser Report is brought to you by COVID disaster relief payments. If the government can't pay them, just hit up Jerry Harvey. I'm sure he's got some money lying around.

Okay, so a couple of weeks ago, Lachlan Hodson announced a plan to become the most sponsored podcast host in Australian history. His quest is already underway. Hey, Lachlan. Hey, Dom. And can I just say, my quest for free crap is off to a flying start. It could not have started better. What have you got? As I said in the episode before this, I reached out to 76 different companies.

Since that episode a week and a half ago, I've reached out to another 70. So we're currently sitting at 140. Plus, since putting my phone number, 0493216-763, on the podcast, I've got other sponsors who are texting me lining up to actually get involved in this stupid, stupid project. Right. So I presume you we've got dozens or even hundreds of free things. Yeah, hundreds. Our first sponsored product has arrived.

My first ever sponsor, listeners, I am proud to announce that I, Lockwoodson, am a proud partner with the wonderful diva cup. Deva cup? Deva cup. Diva cup. Donovan Charles, don't you know what a diva cup is? Diva. I know what a diva is and I know what a cup is, but I don't know how the two combine. Lachlan, are you sure you know what a diva cup is?

So I've got to come clean. I had no idea what this product was when I sent them an email. I mentioned this before. I reached out to the interns and asked, oh, what's something that you'd want for free? And Gabby specifically asked for this product without telling me what it was. So Gabby, can you tell everyone, myself included, what is this product that I've just been sent in the mail? Well, aside from being hilarious that they actually gave a man this product. but yeah it's a menstrual cup it's meant to stop the world being polluted by feminine products because it's super wasteful and also it's way cheaper in the long run because then you don't have to spend like $15 on products every single month so one product lasts you forever and it does what it says on the box and so Loughlin you're the expert

what did you think I was asking you for Lachlan well so Gabby when I heard environmentally friendly and the word cup I thought oh crap Greg's going to love this. We're getting them a keep cup. Oh, I see where the confusion came in. Yeah. After Gabby asked for this product and I actually learned a thing or two about them, I reached out to the wonderful team at Diva Cup and they were super excited to get on board and help me out with this sponsorship mission. There is a catch though. Even though I'm the one who's sponsored, Gabby is the one who gets the product. I'm the official sponsor. I need everyone to know that. Okay, cool, because that's definitely, I'm the one who got the product and that's the reason. In some ways, Gabby is sponsored by Lachlan. I'll think of you every month, Lachlan. Well, there's a few things that the Diva Cup actually said to mention. So they want to provide a more environmentally friendly, sustainable, sanitary option for everyone. Did you know that these ads themselves take 500 years to biodegrade

and 300 million of them are sold around Australia every single year? Yeah, women, you should feel guilty about that. Shut up, Charles. You know what, now that this is coming up, of a man's mouth people might actually listen to it so keep going Lachlan I'm all for it I feel really terrible because Gabby this is an incredible product and I feel like a huge idiot for never hearing of something like this before it's because when women speak no one hears it

Gabby have you tried it is it good does it work what do you want me to say ergonomically tested I have a crash test dummy I didn't I fucking tried it out in the ocean see if I got fucking swarmed no it's fine I want to say I'm really actually proud to have this as my first ever sponsor because it's been a highly educational experience for me. Like, I wanted free crap and I ended up learning. And I feel like this is a good opportunity to take the stigma away from blokes actually learning about menstrual products and stuff. Did you know that when NASA sent their first female astronaut to space in 1983, she was sent up to go to space for two days.

And they gave her. Do you know how many tampons they sent her? I do. Can I say it? How many, Gabby? 100. They gave her 100 tampons for two days. I'm not entirely sure that the Diva Cup He's anti-gravity friendly, but anyway, that's one to test at a later point. I'll let you know when I go to space, Dom. The thing I hadn't realized about this segment is that we were going to have to put up with Lachlan reading out all that advertorial blurb. That's all right. I'm all for it.

I am absolutely a sellout, and that's what I got this job for, Dom. All right, so if you want Loughlin to endorse your product, the number again is. 0493-216-763. My email is Lachlan at chaser.com.com. I figure that might help as well. And he is evidently completely shameless. Well, our cup of free shit runneth over. Thank you, Lachlan.

This episode of The Chaser Report is no longer sponsored by the COVID relief payments. Sorry for any confusion. Just before we go, some news from the world of art. Ooh. A Danish artist has delivered empty frames to an art museum in northern Denmark as part of a protest over the low pay that artists get. It's called Take the Money and Run. and his artwork he's saying is that he took the money and ran. They gave him all this money because what he normally does is artworks

which have lots of banknotes in the frame. So they gave them all these banknotes so he could make the artwork. And not an insubstantial amount either. It's like $115,000 worth of money that they gave. They're saying, look, the money was for the upkeep of the building. We didn't know what we're going to do. And I love this argument. And we've got to use this next time people get into a fight with us.

The director said that he's got to return the money by the 16th of January Or it's a breach of contract. And the artist says, no, no, the breach of contract is part of the artwork. I love this. I really wish I was good at visual art because I'd be, like, visual art is 50% talent and 50% piss take. Like, that's what visual arts is. I love it. I love when Banksy sold that, that portrait that shredded the moment of the gavel was here.

Genius. I love shit like this, though. The thing that I don't get about this whole argument, right? The one thing, the one discrepancy I'll pull up, is that this guy is clearly a. bankable artist considering that whoever paid him a substantial amount

to make some art half the battle for most visual artists is actually getting to a point where somebody wants to pay them for their work so while I agree with the message take the money and run

I also kind of would hope that that money that you got paid is being used to help lift up beginner artists or up and comers that aren't getting paid I don't think so I think he's just living on it

because that wouldn't be part of the artwork you don't pay it for But what he says is, so he was interviewed about this, and he said, I encourage other people who have working conditions as miserable as mine, like the Chaser interns, to do the same. If you're sitting in some shitty job and not getting paid, grab what you can and beat it. And the best thing about this story is the final aspect. The museum has decided to put up the canvases anyway.

So as far as I'm concerned, that's it. They can't ask for the money back because they've exhibited the works that he gave them. Again, those with working conditions as miserable as mine, he got paid $115,000. for one artwork. That's not miserable. When the interns are getting $115,000 for one segment on this podcast, then I'll talk about taking the money and run. Until then, I'll be taking the money from my several jobs.

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