The Chaser Report - The Oscars' Greatest Hits

Episode Date: March 28, 2022

It's Budget Day, so in anticipation John showcases Scott Morrison's amazing math abilities. Meanwhile Dom takes a look at the strategic genius of Joe Biden. Plus Charles brings you the latest from the Oscars .... 1989. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report. It is Tuesday, the 29th of March 2020. We have John Delmenico, Gabby Bolt, Charles Firth and Dom Knight on the most exciting day of the year, John. It's Budget Day, everyone. Get excited. I studied economics at university, so I'm very excited for Budget Day today. Are you serious?

Have we actually got an economist in The Chaser? No, I dropped out of uni. So is everyone excited for the budget? never have money to worry about, so. Okay, so you seem very dim and gloom about the budget, but don't worry, the PM has left a reassuring message for everyone going into today. The budgets that I've been involved in, and this will be my eighth. I did three budgets as a treasure, and this will be my fourth as a prime minister.

That's great. Gabby, you went to the worst school in the world. Yeah. Can we fact check that? No. Yeah, so going into the budget, Our Prime Minister doesn't know kindergarten math. I mean, this is good.

If Gabby's worried about having no money, presumably the way Scott Morrison, you will all get, by accident, lots of money. An extra zero. Why aren't we? An extra one? We'll get an extra one. It actually explained a lot about his entire career

because I've always wondered, how did he go extremely over budget on the Where the Bloody Hell Are You campaign? Luckily, he also reassured us on why the Liberal Party will be really good for this budget. Josh Frydenberg as treasurer. This is fourth as a treasurer.

those who would seek to hold this office after the next election from the Labour Party they've never done a budget never done a budget I mean, incumbency is a thing we do know that he's in charge I mean it's often hard to remember that he runs the country given the job he does of it

but we do know that he's been around for a long time don't we? Yeah so if you're worried at home about the fact that last couple budgets Josh Ryenberg has totally fucked up the numbers he lost 60 billion remember when he lost 60 billion dollars? I'll never forget. He also did a whole scheme where he had ordered some car parks and then took the money

but forgot to actually build the car parks. And they did invest very heavily in Jerry Harvey. Don't forget that. But Labor, under the current treasurer who no one knows the name of, who apparently is going to be the person replaced Alba at some point soon. Who is the shadow? I actually don't know who the shadow is. Yeah, it's Jim Chalmers.

Yeah. It's the guy that sort of looks like a, if you've seen, he's been on the news recently, he sort of looks like a claymation of a, like, rich guy. You're such a Labor hack child to know what his name is. To me, I'm like, is it Chris Bowen? No, it's not him. I have no idea. Because, no, the reason why I know it's Jim Chalmers is because I was listening to this very erudite person on the radio the other day.

And I was like, who is this person? Like, he's a really good spokesperson for Labor. Maybe they should put him in charge of something. And then it turned out to be this guy called Jim Chalmers. That must be an administrative error. I know. On today's show, we're going to take a look at Joe Biden's masterful handling. of the war in Ukraine.

And Charles is going to take a look at Hollywood's Night of Nights. Yeah, that would be a fit through thing. So, I mean, I guess stay with us if you can muster more enthusiasm than any of us. He's back in the newsroom. Vladimir Putin has been mocked after the man who sends his critics to Siberian gulags released a statement claiming to be cancelled like J.K. Rowling. In response to his statement, the ruthless leader announced that he has signed a deal to release a stand-up comedy special on Netflix.

Herald Sun editors were unable to hide their erections yesterday after Victorian Premier Dan Andrews announced that he has contracted COVID, which led to the masthead declaring the virus a savior of democracy. However, not all media outlets have been as excited by the infection as Sky News hosts have accused dictator Dan of intentionally infecting himself with his own fake bioweapon virus all in a bid to tighten his regime's power.

Somehow. Finally, in entertainment news, Australia's busiest actor, Scott Morrison, has been devastated after he failed to secure a single Oscar yesterday for his role in photo ops. According to Academy Insiders, the voting panel were impressed with his performance

as a chef and hairdresser, but he failed to secure the nomination from his unconvincing performance in his role as Australian Prime Minister. From the Chaser News Desk, I'm Rebecca de Unamuno, and I can't wait to get my traditional budget day car part from the government. So the war on Ukraine continues, and if there's one thing that's been very clear since the start of this conflict, it's that the US and NATO do not want to get into a war with Russia, They don't want to provoke Putin.

They really want to keep things chill. And, I mean, Zelensky is very angry about this, as you would be if your country is being steamrolled and your supposed friends were doing nothing. But they really don't want to provoke Putin. How do we feel about this? I mean, is it chicken? Is it sensible to avoid World War III?

Do we agree that this is sensible from the US at this point? To try and not provoke Putin into doing anything rash? So, wait a minute. They've invaded an entire country, but we don't want to provoke. They're not provoked. What? They're already provoked.

They're already. Like, what? They're about to invade Poland, aren't they? They just invaded the city on the border of Poland. Poland's probably next. That's the concern. They're in NATO. So we don't want, we don't want that bully getting violent.

I'm sure he's bashing up our friend over there, but we don't want to intervene in case he gets violent. This is what he's already violent. Charles, that is literally how teachers handle bullying at schools, is they say, hey, don't fight that kid that's punching you in the head. Don't fight back because then you're as much of the problem as them. This is what happened when I was in school in England. I was the kid that got sacrificed and then like, okay, the Australian guy's going to get beaten up, but everyone else, you can't do it. You can't do it. I was Ukraine. I've got to say,

it's quite rich of America to now choose the moral high ground, you know, like we're not violent. Yeah, there's a bit of hypocrisy as you'll hear in this story. All right, so to recap, they don't want to piss off Putin, right? They really don't want to give him any excuse to do more. Unfortunately, Joe Biden didn't get that memo. Ukraine will never be a victory for Russia. For free people refused to live in a world of hopelessness and darkness. For God's sake, this man cannot remain power.

So he's just come out and said, we've got to get rid of Putin. We're going to do regime change. It's going to happen. We're going to have this big conflict. That always works well for the U.S. regime change. I mean, if there's one thing they're good at is, It's toppling leaders. I don't think they're good at anything to use.

Like, if you think about it, like, so they, in 1991, they said, let's get rid of Saddam Hussein. He stayed there until 2004. And it was a fluke. They found him in that foxhole, let's be honest. That's right. In Fidel Castro, they wanted to get rid of in 1961. He said, literally, let's get rid of him. He was there till, when did he die?

He died about last year or something. You know what I mean? They avoid, they tried to assassinate him about 60 times. Fuck them all up. So anyway, so the US's point here is to try to avoid Putin thinking that they want to get rid of him and that they're going to go in and do regime change. So Biden just comes out and goes, we're going to do regime change. He also said to US troops, and I can't play the clip because it's just too doddery.

He says, when you're in Ukraine soon, you will see that, you know, women go to school and all this. So he's really stoking the bear on this, right? So you heard that clip. You heard that he said Putin must not remain in power. What does that mean to you? Does it mean that he's going to get rid of Putin? Does it mean something completely different from what we just heard? Well, presumably afterwards his press secretary came out and clarified it

and said that it actually meant that he wants to work constructively with Putin into the future. Is that what happened? So when he said Putin may not remain in power, they said what it means is that he can't be empowered to wage war beyond Ukraine, right? That's what he was meant to say. You can have this war. You can keep bashing up that little kid in the corner. unfortunately they had to go as far

like not only did they walk it back by trying to redefine what must not stay in power men very shortly afterwards the Secretary of State Anthony Blinken actually came out and directly contradicted Joe Biden as you know and as you've heard us say repeatedly we do not have a strategy of regime change in Russia or anywhere else for that

they don't do that no we've never done that as in any case it's up to the people of the country in question it's up to the Russian people So the Russian people get to decide. Yeah, yeah. So the Russia, with their thriving democracy, they get, this is just, I just think America should shut up. I just think they should just shut up.

Good news, though, is that it's not just America that is redefining words. Because what's happening now is it's very clear that Russia has pretty much lost. Like, they can't take Kiev, they haven't been able to take a large part of the country. Various cities are being recaptured by Ukraine. Would you call that a defeat or a victory? at this point. Well, I think you've got to use the Vietnam War definition, which is it's a very clear victory to Russia.

That's right. That's what they're saying. So the head of the general staff's main operational directorate, Sergei, Rutskoy, says the main objectives of the first stage of the operation have been accomplished. Yes. So we're now going back to focus our core efforts on achieving the main goal, which is the liberation of Dombas.

So you know how before this we all thought, oh, they're just going to go into the bit that supports Russia. That's their new objective. They've lost Apparently tens of thousands of troops Russian troops have been killed if not or certainly thousands They've lost a huge number of generals

Seven generals In what is definitely a victory for Russia So let's just hope that Russia keeps on being victorious To the point where they just all retreat across their borders And leave Ukraine the fuck alone The Chaser Report Now with extra whispers Now a bit of a spoiler alert

in case you haven't seen the Oscars yet. In lieu of, you know, that boring stuff about talking about the winners. Oh, let's not do that. Yeah, why don't we go back in time and look at the worst Oscars ever? Great. Yeah. Which one's that? Aren't all Oscars the worst Oscars over?

Yeah, what year? We don't know whether it's 222 yet. You've got to go all the way back in time, probably to when you were only like 10 years old, Gabby. Right. It was 1989. Okay, well, no, it wasn't alive. So, 1989. they gave the direction of the Oscars ceremony

to a guy called Alan Carr. And that was the last thing he ever did in Hollywood. What happened? Because it was very famously the worst Oscars ever. Now, unfortunately, you really have to just see it to believe it. So, you know, the whole point is go on YouTube and see it. But I want to just play you the very, very opening moment of a, that broadcast.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, here's one of the great legends of Hollywood. She's back with us tonight. Miss Snow White. Good evening. Oh, good evening, Mr. Archer. It is so exciting to be here tonight. I'm a little late, though.

Can you tell me how to get into the theater? That's easy, Snow. Just follow the Hollywood stars. Follow the Hollywood stars. Not this. Oh, follow the Hollywood stars. Right. Yeah, yeah, and then it goes on.

So what happens is these people, this is honestly dressed up as stars in glitter, but with their legs hanging out the bottom, obviously, because there's just people. Suddenly, like they're standing outside the theatre, suddenly appear, and she runs in behind them. Amazing. And then they start doing a whole big cabaret dance, right? What are you talking about? This sounds like the best Oscars ever.

Sounds like the best Oscars ever. ever, right? But it's very awkward, right? So she, she does, she breaks down the fourth wall. She goes into the, into the audience. And they'd never rehearsed it. They didn't line up anyone to sort of have the right reaction. And then, um, come up on stage and they do a, an 11 minute brilliant, musical number. Brilliant. So, and it's in this squeaky, whiny voice, right? Singing all these songs, various, Merv Griffin comes out. It's all the, it's all the, Even in 1989, he was, well, for his final appearance. So it goes along, and probably the most, the clearest indication of how bad it's going is that at some point, the director clearly goes,

oh, fuck, this is so fucking shit, this is just embarrassing, that they stop cutting to the reactions of the people in the crowd. You know how they always, it's always the chance to sort of see how everyone's reacting. Yeah. Everyone's so embarrassed that about five minutes in, you suddenly just have to watch the fucking show. So it's great. I'd highly recommend looking it up on YouTube. But then, okay, so then it gets to the end. Clearly everyone has decided that this is just a terrible, terrible idea.

Oh, that's the other thing. Halfway through Rob Lowe. Oh, no. Oh, when he was hot. He was very hot. Very pretty. But he's much. The main claim to fame at that point was that...

There was a bootleg sex tape of him having sex with a teenager, right? Oh, fucking hell. Jesus. This fairy... This Snow White character who's dressed up to basically look like a child. Well, she is a child, Snow White's 1913. Yeah, he clearly is just trying to crack onto her as they're dancing. Like, it is so creepy.

It is the creepiest creepy creepy. So the producers just didn't really register that. Like universally joked it out in 1999. story. Yeah, wow. So him playing Sam Seaborne like as this very ethical

like staffer years later was an amazing piece of acting from Robbillard. Yeah, he had to spend disbelief. This is how I'm learning that Rob blows a piece of shit. I learned Sam watching his roast,

which was such a weird experience to me to be like, I watched him on Parks and Rec. Me too. And he was like such a wholesome dude on Parks and Rec. I think this is why, yeah,

I think this is why in the first episode of the West Wing, Sam Seaborne has a sex scandal just to get it out of the way. Oh, he is in the West Wing. Okay, so what would you do? Say you were the producer slash director and you decided to base your entire opening thing

around the character of Snow White. What would be the first thing that you do in Hollywood? Down the well. Down the well. No, no. What you would do, this is the answer to the question, is you'd get permission from the people who own the rights to Snow White. Oh, Disney.

Disney, to be able to use that thing. But he didn't. At no point, did he go, oh, yeah, maybe we should ask the people who own the character, Snow White, whether we can do it. So Disney then, the next day, sued the shit out of the fucking Oscars. And it was for reputational damage. And I'm looking this up now. Do you know which year Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, the Disney classic movie, came out? 1937.

1937. What the fuck are they doing bringing it the 99 Oscars? She's timeless. So if you make it through all 11 minutes, you finally get to the end and you reach the point where Rita Wilson comes out on stage to sort of back-and-ounce the piece and she clearly realizes that she's part of a history-making bomb. Oh, my God. And this is how she does it.

Well, I told him I'd be thrilled. the Oscars if they could just come up with an entrance and think of it more than a billion and a half people just watch that oh god and at this very moment they're trying to make sense of it and in how many different languages it's mind-boggling I knew it was going to happen one day the whole planet has gone Hollywood so pull up a seat and be prepared to spend the next few hours sitting on the edge of it and welcome to the shoe show we'll be right back and the whole point is they didn't have a host that they decided to do away with that thing that everyone likes which is a host

they just went from just like last year or two which is also if you if you guys like seeing like award show bombing opening numbers um the best place to look is the tonies have you ever seen there's a really infamous tonies i'm trying to remember the year so unfortunately i'm probably going to get the year wrong but recently i think it might have been like 2009 2010 there was an opening to the tonies and just everything that could have gone wrong did a person got hit by a set piece somebody else like fell over mid dance line like it's great it's all of the good stuff i want more of that stuff to happen in award shows yeah it doesn't anymore because they know we love it so much you've got to bring back that ellen car guy yeah

it's almost as bad as um doing your segment on the 22 Oscars and it ends up being about 9-19. Aggies from Red Microphones are part of the A-Carrater Network. Catch you this afternoon.