The Chaser Report - The REAL Reason Kochie Quit! | David Koch*

Episode Date: May 29, 2023

That's right, we totally* got Kochie on the show to say the real reason he left.*No we didn't lol. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gatigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report with Dom and Charles. Hello, Charles. What a couple of days. Seismic shocks, buildings shaking. People are going to remember where they were the day of David Kosh announcing he was leaving sunrise. The news was so... I wondered what that Melbourne earthquake was.

Yes. And clearly, Koshy's news was. was so momentous that the very city of Melbourne shook. In some ways, I am pleased that this has happened. You're pleased that the world is ending, that our cosy breakfast buddy is hanging up his glasses. It's because now this generation, like my kids' generation, now, no, they've got their own 9-11. You're right.

Yeah. What was it? The 29, 29. Let this day live in infamy. the day that David Kosh announced he was retiring from Sunnise. I just don't know that he's given enough thought, Charles. It seems for, I mean, he's been there, I think, 21 years. Yeah, well, since about 9-11.

I remember the world going to shit around then. He says he's done 16,000 hours of breakfast television. Not enough. Which makes me think, Charles, I mean, you're following the AI debate. Surely we're at a point in the evolution of this technology, where 16,000 hours of Koshy is enough. For an avatar, for a digital Koshy. It's all the same content, isn't it?

Actually, Dom, about that, I, just on the quiet, apparently, that has actually been happening for the last couple of years. Oh. Yeah. David Kosh actually died. Right. Of COVID. Back in 2020.

Very sad. Very, very sad. But he wasn't a young man. But there was a cover-up. There was a... I see. Yeah. I see.

The Stokeses just couldn't handle it. and so instead You've got Cyberkoshy. They trained an AI who arguably is a bit better. I think there's been a bit of a bump in ratings. I mean, you'd have to say that of all the people

to synthesize with an AI, a finance journalist, known for being a bit dull and liking bad jokes. I mean, that's a perfect case study, right? Yeah, that's right. But, no, it's all animatronics.

I don't actually remember the name of his current co-host. There've been so many. They've just been interchangeable. No, they're Natalie Barr. Is it Nat? It's Nat, is it? Nat is still there. Who were the other ones?

I've been at least four. No, Melissa Doyle was there. Melissa Doyle was the original. Till 2013. She was good. She was good. Koshy and Mel. Yeah, I like Toshy and Mel.

And then Sam Armitage. Yes, you know this very well. Samantha, Armitage was there. I do read my research. There's a lot of articles about how unhappy she was in life. This is not an AI analog of Charles Firth, by the way. Hooked into Wikipedia. Yeah.

And then Nat Bar. Was it just Nat Bar? It's been much. more stable than um yeah than the today show or weekend sunrise weekend sunrise i must say i we we know ander o'keef well we knew him well yeah um this was the gig he's been preparing for i don't think do you reckon i mean do you reckon this is the gig he was hanging on for so many years i don't think he's top of the list really i don't think he's i don't think he's top 10 but he's an ambassador of the white ribbon foundation don't yeah about that um not so much

think, I mean, are you going to run for it? What about Craig? Oh, no, no, I'm running. You're running. Forget Craig. Forget Craig. Craig is way too interesting for the time. Yes, that's right. Even Eco-Bore Craig is more to, it's your own predictable. They need a dom night. I've got the same hair as Koshy. Yes. I just basically bald patch where I've let the sides grow a bit too much. You're on the way there, Charles. Let's not get too cocky. Well, see, if only he'd resigned in a few years time, I would have been perfect.

If I just put glasses on, if I just get the same glasses, I recommend. I can not easily pass for Koshy. Yeah. Can you do the sort of condescending attitude towards women? I've just got to try and get the husk. Who was that guy from Channel 9 from Comedy Inc. He did the amazingly good Koshy impersonation. Oh, yeah, David.

Because he was very good. Yes, he was very good. He should probably be the front runner. No. But I reckon I could just, you know, because he's, oh. You can't really say that, privateista. What about Stan Grant? Oh, do you reckon?

You know what, he'd be great at it? Yes. Do you think he'd be good at it? getting Pauline Hanson on like they do. Oh, just to humanise her a bit. Yeah. Yeah, not so much. The casual racism stuff.

He's probably not quite in the mood, but he'd be a good hire. You know who else? You know who would be fascinating if they got to do it? Magda Zavanski. Magda Zavanski? Yeah. Tonight she's going to be in the Australian office. That's a whole other conversation.

No, Lisa Wilkinson. Imagine if they got Lisa. Lisa Wilkinson. Let's face it. Being wasted on the project. No, but she's resigned from the project. Has she resigned? Yeah, I think she had.

Maybe that's the reason. She's still on the books at 10. She'll have to transition into being a man, a sort of sexist man. Well, I mean, Peter Fitzsimons, her husband can do that part. Nine did, have that brief period with their only women hosting the Today Show, and they had to get Carl back, the most humiliating climb down ever. So I don't know who it's going to be.

I mean, who are the other middle of the road? The people were saying Dr. Chris Brown has been re-signed by seven recently. I mean, who would you get? Who does weekend sunrise now? It's sort of like you've got the Australian cricket captain. Yep. You've got the Australian Prime Minister. Then it's basically the host of sunrise.

The male host of sunrise. Yeah, the father of the nation, truly. So it's got to be... John Howard. John Howard did you do the job? What about like a Joe Hockey? Joe, oh, that's an interesting. Or Joe Hilda brand.

Joe Hockey's got just the right amount of boring credentials though. Middle of the road. Oh, I want to say anything too controversial. Who's the guy for... I can't remember, I don't say, watch morning television. Who's the guy on Channel 9 who's the amazing singer? David... David Campbell.

Yeah, he'd be too good for them, wouldn't he? No, yeah, it's way too good. He's too good for the current. I actually think one of the great tragedies of modern life is that David Campbell has to do that job rather than to make the money, rather than just being able to be an incredible cabaret stuff. It's such a pity that Rolf Harris died last week.

Because he... I think he's the perfect host. Elaborate, yeah. I mean, look, I'm going to give you a free pass on the Pito stuff. Like, like, this people are saying, and we've discussed this before, like pre-Pito Rolf was still a monster on all accounts. Okay, so, well, Craig's a possibility. Craig, yep.

Who else from the chaser? I mean, I'm suspecting we're probably not front of mine. Well, Andrew was very good at hosting that game show. Strictly speaking, strictly speaking. So he's got the runs on the board, yeah. I mean, Mark Humphrey's. would have to be in contention. Oh, he's got to be in contention.

After his wonderful debut and pointless in commercial TV, man. Yeah. Well, I mean, Chris Taylor would be, I mean, he's already had done that sunrise prank, which was very enjoyable. Yeah. And he's got that sort of sneery condescension and smugness. Hello, Chris, if you're listening. He's not listed.

No. Oh, Julian Morrow. Julian Morrow, once upon a time, might have been front of the pack. Well, he's bald. It's exactly he's bald. He's good. He's sort of middle of that. Yeah, glasses.

Yeah, probably. Knows a lot of people in the media. Yeah. You probably can't say anything else. It's not... Probably a bit too subjudicey. But bit too subjudice. Both for this podcast to discuss further and channel soon.

And let's be clear, friend of the show, friend of the podcast, he's been on a number of times on the podcast. And that's all we need to say. What about someone like, you know, they take a bit of a radical turn and put in someone like Max Chandler, Mather, you know, Green's got. Oh, Firebrand. Well, what about Lydia Thorpe if you're going to get out?

Lydia Thorpe. Yeah. I mean, that shouldn't be quite as laughable as it is. I mean, Brooke Bonie, would be very good. But she's already got a gig. Yeah, she's the entertainment reporter on Channel 9. She can step up to it. Yeah, you're right, doing sunrise.

That'd be good. She'd be fantastic. I like that. Maybe we need to think outside the realms of Richard Wilkins. Oh, my God, of course. Tiki. I was about to say, let's step outside the realms of mediocre people. Let's step in.

I, you know, I must say, consummate professional, he'd be seamless. Yes. The only thing is, I actually think, I actually think there's something in terms of his specific deal with the devil, where if he leaves Channel 9, his body will immediately wither and implode. I don't know how that works. You know, I've heard Daryl Summers is available. From Daryl. Did Daryl back that point?

Hey, hey, it's sunrise. Oh, my God. The thing about those shows is, we've explained this from. For Charles, and I don't entirely understand. They have very low rating in this game of things, but they, is it the ads that they sell them? Because they've got three hours of the one team. It's the only other time you get, you know, three hours of the one show.

Do they just make money through all the infomercials and the crap that they peddle? Is that how it works? So there's several, yeah, so the shows themselves make money because of the sponsorship opportunities. The fact that it's sort of an older demographic who have money, so if you're a travel company selling boomer tours and stuff of that, you know, that's where you advertise. That's where you advertise. But then

the other theory is that then people just leave their TVs stuck on Channel 7. Oh, it's the old breakfast radio theory where if you like the night show, you'll wake up with the... Yeah. And so what you do is you turn it on, suddenly deal on no deals on You know, and you're still on 7? Can we find a way to do that with podcasting?

Yes. I don't know how. Yeah. Maybe we need a late night version of the Chaser report. Maybe we need a podcast that somebody, that people want to listen to. And then. What I'm imagining is a late night chaser. It's a version of this.

Yes. A version of this podcast where there's always someone speaking for 24 hours. Yes. And then, you know, whatever happens, I don't know, maybe we'll get the interns back or something. Yeah. And then in the morning, when people turn on. they'll listen to us. They'll listen to us.

So you're doing about radio. Yes, that's right. It's in real time. It's live. You've invented radio, but you can listen to it using Bluetooth. Yes, using Bluetooth. And the great thing is, I've invented a medium that's in decline. It's very, very interesting.

The Chaser Report, less news, less often. Talking of in decline, what next for Koshie? Oh, look, what can't he do at this point? probably many things. I imagine he's followed his own financial advice. So he'll probably be quite rich, weren't he? He's 67. He can start drawing down his super. Oh, wouldn't that be fantastic? Do you think he's one of the victims of the more than three million dollars cash in their super fund? Oh, is that him? That's Koshy. This is the scoop. We've found who it was. This is the scoop. Of course, can't you imagine Koshy with his vast salary just going, I'll just put a little

bit into super. Yes. I just sold away 10%. And that would be three mill after 21 years, for sure. Yeah, definitely. It's him, isn't it? It's him. I'm not even joking. He's solved it. He's the guy who has half a billion in super.

Someone's got to talk to it. What can he do? Well, I really hope, Charles, I mean, everyone knows that the only reason he did Sunrise so he could do the small business show that comes on on the weekend, whatever that one is. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Now, I presume that's not getting axed. No, oh, no, God.

I mean, Sunrise is negotiable, but the small business show, that's quality, that's ratings. What would he do? But do you think he'll sort of. have run for politics. Senator Koshy. I mean, he could. People trust him. I mean, I think there's a long tale of infomercials.

Oh, my God. Can you imagine what? You know, because, I mean, he's been doing 16,000 hours of television. Yeah. I think he might have. He's matched fit. He's matched fit. And Sunrise is basically one long infomercial.

Oh, no, Charles. What you do, when you finish up on a very successful breakfast show, You've had a big career. You go to the project. Go to the project and sort of just do Sunday night. That's what he'll do. You're right. He'll, his gardening leave on the project.

You know what we should do, Charles. We should make him an offer to join the iconoclast network, the podcast network that we're building. Yes. And what can be his program? Well, it wouldn't be iconoclastic. That's for sure. I don't know how it fit into the race.

I think it'd be Koshy solves very tedious tax deduction questions from some more business scientists. Wouldn't that be it? Yeah, it'd be. The complaints of rich people. You know what we should actually pitch him in, and I'm going to just brainstorm this in real time. Okay.

At a podcast where he reads out jokes from listeners, like Koshy's joke book as a podcast. Koshy's joke book. We're not listening to it. No. But people would. People would. People would in droves.

Yes. There can be the program that people switch on in order to then listen to our show. And we just get an endless succession. It's just like every episode would be the same. It would be dead joke to David Cox. A joke for David Koch. Koshy's joke book. Podcast.

Yes. Catch up with Koshy. Catch up with Kosh. The Koshy Katshup. Yes. Oh my God. That idea is going to make somebody a lot of money. That's the business we want to get into is vanity podcasts for celebrities who don't

mind using their name to make us slightly wealthy. That's what we're hoping for. Okay. Great. Well, I'll get on the phone. Yeah. You can call Koshy, can't you? He needs a giggling co-host, doesn't he?

He needs a giggling co-host, doesn't he? Yes, yes, absolutely. But as 7's shown over the years, they're largely interchangeable. I mean, look, I'm sure we can get Sam Armitage back or something. Or we get an AI. Get an AI. Yes. You can't tell me 7 isn't a workshop in that one.

So look, we should say, you know the thing where we do this stuff, and then we just say, turn it around and just like pretend we're all mates. Well done, mate, honestly, you've woken us up for 20. I've never watched that fucking show in my life. You've woken us up for 21 years, mate. Good innings. Good innings, Koshy. Do you reckon anyone's ever watched a full episode?

Yes. From beginning to 10? Yes, I know the only people who have. Oh, it would be that Adam Boland, the executive producer of Sunrise. Of course not. He's not going to do that. It would be the researchers who worked on the Chaser TV shows who have watched the entire thing. People like Ben Jenkins, Zoe Norton Lodge, who are paid to watch entire episodes of Sunrise.

That's why they are as they are. Absolutely. That's why they're so broken. human beings. Absolutely. I now understand. It's not healthy. It's not healthy.

And the other thing is the thing that they noticed is that the same stories come back between hour one and hour three. They can't bother finding new content because they know no one watches the entire thing. You know, I've just actually figured out why he quit. Why? Because you know how he peddles all those crypto schemes? Yeah. On the internet.

You always see these ads for David Koch. Can't believe. Someone's after him. No, I reckon he's cashed in. He's made so much money out of crypto. He doesn't need to do. Oh, that's definitely what it is. Yeah.

Anymore. Oh, a kosh coin. Kosh coin. Kosh coin. Yeah. Fantastic. All right, there you go. It's all solved.

You heard it here first. Our gear is from Road. We're part of the iconoclass network. As will be Koshy in a very short pretty time. You heard it here first, people. See ya.