The Chaser Report - The Red Coronation

Episode Date: April 19, 2023

Dom and Charles look at the plans for King Charles III's royal coronation, and realise that the world's best TV crossover is upon them. The Crown meets Game of Thrones. Hold on to your quiches folks, the Windsors send their regards. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gatigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report with Dom and Charles. I'm the Dom part. Am I Charles? You're the Charles part. It's confusing, I don't know, I realise. Massive news out of London, Charles.

The coronation preparations are taking shape. We're getting a sense of what the king's going to do when he has the ceremony. And it's a tough one because what he's attempting to do, is have a more slim-down modern take on the coronation, because it's a bit, you know, times are tough, the world economy is not going so well. And yet, it's a fucking coronation. So the very idea of having anything at all is fundamentally silly.

So we need to somehow, I'm going to talk you through the sort of line he's weaving in between hundreds of years of tradition and pomp and expense and having coronation at all, which is clearly a silly idea. He's already the king. He becomes the king the moment that is, the queen dies. This is by definition, a completely unnecessary ceremony. I don't get what the point of it is. Well, the point is to sort of spend lots of money and show how rich you are. Well, it's basically propaganda, yes. But he's already the king.

Everyone knows he's, maybe back in the day. To prove that you're better than everyone else. Oh, you know what it is. I know what it is. There's one part of the coronation, which is the fundamental aspect of it, which is probably the only reason he's still doing it. There's a moment in the coronation I've got all the details here He's dumped a lot of traditions There's a moment where all the dukes From around England

From around the realm Have to come and kneel And promise to be loyal To the new king Rather than as a traditional And you know, trying to kill him Right So that's what they do

So they all turn up Oh so that's the reason to do the whole thing Yeah that's the only reason to do it It's so that all the jukes And specifically The Duke of Sussex Harry Harry, who is coming to the coronation. Wow.

Megan's staying at home in California. Harry's turning up and there's a lot of debate about will this part happen where all the dukes have to come and swear allegiance to the new king and promise not to stab them or write a really mean autobiography about what bad dads they were possibly. So apparently William's going to swear. That's certain. But we don't know whether Harry is going to take the knee.

Of course he's going to take the knee. That's how he gets it within stabbing distance of his dad. So there's lots of things that are and aren't part of the coronation. We'll go through some more of the details. But, Charles, you've been looking at the menu. Yes. And this is a perfect example of how they're trying to save money and be modern. No, and look, can I just take a step back here and say,

I think Charles has got this all wrong. And I'm not talking about me. I'm talking about the king. And I've been doing a lot. It's basically the only thing I've been thinking about the last couple of weeks is this coronation. Of course. It's such huge news. I mean, it's the most important thing.

happening this year. Absolutely. And I think he's just got it all wrong because the food that he's announced, this is the official food that you're all supposed to eat. Can I guess? Pescent. Well, yes, exactly. Partridge. Or even better, peasants.

You know what I mean? Indeed. That would be serfs. Yes, exactly. It would be surf and turf made out of actual of actual serfs. Villages, yeah. No, it's a fucking spinach keech. you serious?

It's a spinach of all of the food stuffs. I know British cuisine is famously shit. He's chosen a food that is not only boring but is French. But is French?

Yes, but also is literally an insult. Oh, you're a fucking keesh eater, are you? The one thing that the British Royals should not do by tradition is have anything French

at the wedding. It's an awkward point. Oh, what a faux part. Oh no, another French thing. Oh, dear. So, yeah, maybe this is the test, because one of the things that he's doing, Charles, on my list of changes,

is he slimmed down the invitations because Queen Elizabeth had 8,000 people at her coronation, 8,000 people. And bearing in mind... Was that sort of only people she knew by name? It was every white person in the whole. Yeah, right, yeah. No, but bearing in mind how much small the UK was in the 50s

than it is now, like it's probably a third the size population. I don't know, but maybe... Oh, yeah. It was every second person was at the coronation. Charles is, I think, going to have 2,000. My sister was probably at her... It probably was there, Verity Firth A.m. But here's the thing.

There'd be a lot of noses put out of joint by that. Can you imagine all the sort of dignitaries, the minor dignitaries, who would be thinking they're going to get an invitation. Yes. And I'm offended. But then they hear, it's keesh. Yes. They're not going to turn up.

It's actually good. Like, the whole reason is... It's actually strategic. It is. It's very strategic to sort of say it's going to be... But don't you think that, see, it's a problem. I think Prince Charles or King Charles hasn't really thought it through because if all these people are not turning up

either because they haven't been invited or because they don't want to eat key, isn't it likely that that, you know, that Harry can organise them to, you know, do a bit of the stabbing? Isn't that how Game of Thrones all works? Yeah, well, Charles, except that the difference is. You mount a palace coup. Yeah, the sort of a red wedding, a red coronation.

Yes. Oh, my goodness. Yeah, that could be very, that's why Harry's going. Although, the only problem is Charles. Is there an official wine of the coronation? Because maybe red, the official red is not wine, but it's the blood of the monarch. Oh, but I must say Harry is clearly the finest whiner in the realm. I haven't read his book, but I gather that's the thing. But Charles, here's the thing.

Nobody ever stabbed a monarch and overthrew dynasty on Kish. You can't, there's not enough energy. Yeah, they're not enough energy. It's particularly if it's vegetarian, in case. Everyone will just sort of... I'll just sort of go and flop in the corner and just talk about, you know, spinach cultivation in it. They'll probably halfway through the coronation put on EastEnders.

Just watch that. But is this the whole, this is the weird thing. This is the sort of the weird schism at the coronation, because on the one hand... Oh, they should put on Coronation Street. They should put on Coronation Street. On the one hand, oh, terribly modern. I'm just not better than you I just, it's probably going to be

Aldi Kish too Well German No no no they published the recipe So everyone can Because I think the thing is They went let's do something cheap Because everyone in Britain is so poor As a result of the royal family

Being so rich That we have to give everyone A recipe for something That they can cook at home It only has basically eggs and flour Are you saying that Charles is not only serving Kich at the coronation but he's instructing everyone to eat Keish in his honour.

That's the whole idea. I don't know about you, Dom, but that's what I'm going to do on Coronation Day. I'm going to get out my whisk and make a spinach keesh according to the royal recipe and then sit down and watch the coronation. I mean, isn't it tragic how far the British Empire's fallen, the once great? The sun never set on the British Empire. Now it's eating Keish.

It's remnants of eating the most insipid food known to humans. I sort of thing. It's sort of a symbol of him not being monarchy enough, is he? Well, that's the problem. It's the nice boring and sort of down-to-earth food. But at the same time, he's wearing a gold fucking robe and going, he's wandering around in a gilded carriage. Yes, but that's because that's not his choice.

Like, that's already established that that's what he's got to do. But every time he has a decision, he makes the wrong one, right? Like, I don't know, what would you serve at your coronation, Dom? like wouldn't it be like and you know we can say peasant and everything like but what's a real food a real food you know where you just go I'm fucking king I can fucking choose what I fucking like because the whole point of it is that I have noblesa bleche I have just complete decision making power I am a complete that's probably what he's done he's probably chosen his favorite food he probably loves getting a poor drip I mean someone who paints watercolours for fun yeah and fantasizes about being a tampon tampon Tampon. Probably eats Kish through choice.

Oh, the poor man. The Chaser report. Less news. Less often. Why can't he just stop being king? Leave him alone. Leave him just pot around some little cottage and eat Kish and talk to Camilla. He doesn't want to do this job.

I feel so almost sorry for him now. He's just a sort of mediocre little British weirdo who wants to just do watercolours and be a tampon. Why don't let him? Well, maybe it's good that Harry's coming over to destroy the monarchy. To destroy the monarchy. It's quite possible. What food would I serve? I think I'd serve pizza.

I would have, what I'd do is I'd get the royal coach and all the whole regalia. And, oh, here comes an amazing, gilded carriage. And, oh, my goodness, what's that pizza being distributed to all the people? Wouldn't that be brilliant? Imagine all the sort of palace guards, the bee feeders, just marching down with pizza. Yes. To deliver it to the crowds. And it could be all beef pizza.

Meat lovers, pizza. Meat lovers, pizza. And the beef feeders. Absolutely. Oh, that's great. I'd be good, I mean, I suppose. You'd have a pheasant pizza, I suppose. I think that'd be good.

I'd quite like, I'd quite like chops at my corporation. You love chops, don't you? I love... That's, but that is, again, a sort of generic British. Like, when I lived in England as a kid, there was a lot of chops. They were very cheap. Exactly.

I think, I think fancy about them. Yeah. So, you just have chops. Do you think, though, Charles, the back at the palace, like at the after party, there's going to be caviar and shit, isn't it? He's not serving keech back. at the proper party. Well, I don't know.

My grandma once went and had tea at Buckingham Palace with the Queen. Amazing. When my grandfather was being knighted or something. And they served cucumber sandwiches. I mean, maybe the whole point is the royal family's just always been a bit lame. A bit like. It's very British, isn't it? I mean, I would have thought...

The Queen, when she got coronated, she had chicken, roast chicken, with... mild curry powder. That was the recipe. It was called coronation chicken. Oh my God. So, I mean, I, full credit to them because despite being clearly German, like, the royal family is German as it gets, right? Even when she married Prince Philip, largely German, right?

Yes. So you can have bread food. You can have brunt for us. Yeah, there's better food in Germany. Yes. But they've somehow forced themselves to give up the delicious food, the sausages or whatever, of their homeland. And just have bland.

The raw tea and the whole thing. Yeah, just have bland French food. I mean, I'd have sauerkraut over fucking Kish and Coronation Chicken. Yes. The poor people, they're in X. Imagine having to eat a cucumber sandwich. I mean, you generally, you're just going, why bother? Yes.

Why bother making a cucumber sandwich? Look, I've started to feel sorry for the British ruling class. Well, until... Until Harry gets rid of them all. So the big dilemma is, I mean, this is the thing that he's so constrained in. The big decision for King Charles is what to wear, what to wear to your own coroner. Well, red, so you can't see the bloodstains. Oh, yes, that's a very good idea.

But apparently the tradition... Wouldn't that all be just dictated by tradition? Well, he's actually trying to get rid of some of the traditions. Which is that once upon a time, well, for hundreds of years, incoming kings have had to wear silk stockings and breeches looking like a kind of twit performing Shakespeare. But he's just going to wear a military uniform. He's not going to do it. Has he ever been in the military? You know, they're the royal family.

They get to wear... Oh, you know why he's wearing the military uniform because he knows how he's going to attack him. He's got to be prepared. He's got to wear the army. Full-proof vest. It'll probably be full camo gear. Probably will be.

He'll probably be hiding most of the time. I suspect so. But you know, you know, this is genuinely a traditional part... And wait a minute. Who coronates? Who crowns? Who crowns the king? Probably the archbishop, I suppose.

The Archbishop of Canterbury. Yeah, saying, like, God is bestowing this. God's on. So you know that this is one thing. that he's dropped. Traditionally, the king, during the coronation or queen, is presented with gold ingots, the richest person in the whole of Britain

who already owns a fucking gold coach and is dressed in gold robes. Oh, all your majesty, you don't quite have enough gold. Have this ingot from the poor people. Imagine how many peasants they have to sort of tax to get the ingot. I don't know who made up that rule, right, that tradition. But that's a pretty clever tradition to set up, isn't it? Oh, yes.

And it is tradition. From now on, thou must give me gold ingots. Just for tradition reasons. Just for tradition reasons. Not because I want all that gold. There is one thing, though, that the new king is doing. So, you know, the main tradition, it's very strange. The moment of the coronation.

He holds a sort of an orb in his hand. Yes, yes. A round ball, signifying, I don't know, the world or the empire or something. The realm. The realm. I think it's sort of like the heavens and the ocean. Anyway. And then the, I've done a lot of research, as you can see.

The Archbishop uses a spoon that's something like 600 years old to put oil on it. It's an oil massage. Yes, yes. Basically. Yes. And I've read about this, which is that's like a baptism. He's being baptized to be king. To be king in oil.

Of all the things. Yes. Wouldn't you want something less flammable being appointed? Carry around. I bet you're Harry Smart. There's one thing you know about Harry is. He's always got a lighter. No question about it.

So that's the coronation. The coronation goose is going to be cooked by Harry. So that's part of it. I mean, imagine having anything you want and going, oh, yeah, I'll have some oil. Just whack some oil on me. That'd be a nice nutrition. No, but a nice oil mass.

You know, you get a sort of. I don't think. I don't think the archbishop's going to be, you know, getting in there with the finger tips and helping him relax. Yeah, it's usually with a spoon. That's right. With a spoon. Like a baby spoon.

So there's that. But the one thing that the king is doing that I think we should all be truly grateful for. And I think, to be honest, suggest that he will probably be a relatively good king. It's not the keesh. I am. The biggest change that he's making is that traditionally the coronation lasts for three hours. Charles, one hour. Ah. Long live the king.

Long live the king. Well, so they will have time to switch over to EastEnders. Oh, sorry, Coronation Street. Well, it'll be obviously shorter than an hour because of the whole stabbing for Harry. lap and halfway through, but nevertheless, a king aiming to, I mean, I do feel somewhat sorry for him, trying to make the most ridiculously overblown

possible ceremony, humble and austere. Good luck, your majesty. Yeah, it's almost like he's trying to have his quiche and eat it too. Well, I know it will be serving at the funeral that follows the coronation. Our gear is from road, we're part of the iconoclast network. See ya.