The Chaser Report - The Return of Craig Thomson

Episode Date: March 23, 2022

Dom takes a blast from the past and provides an update on the happenings in the life of satire gold-mine Craig Thomson. Meanwhile John is on the path to becoming an ALPHA MALE and tries to teach the team about his SUPREME ALPHA PHILOSOPHY BRO. Plus all the latest headlines from Rebecca De Unamuno. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report. It is Thursday, the 24th of March 22. We have Gabby Bolt, Alex Savulovic, Charles Firth, and I'm Dom Knight. Now, just before we start, I've got to tell you, I'm recording from home today because my daughter's not 100% due to deciding to stay up all night. We get it, you're better than us. Yeah.

And then I remembered about half an hour ago that today's the day that our neighbours start stripping tiles off their bathroom with drilling. So they may be drilling at any point, but if it's really annoying, I think the thing to remember is that they're homeowners who've spent, I think, $2.5 million on it's something that's worth like $800,000. And it's really important that they get to spend the extra $500,000 on redoing a perfectly decent bathroom. Yeah, good for them.

It doesn't matter that I work from home. It doesn't matter that my daughter's sick and needs to sleep. What matters is their bathroom. But, Dom, I don't think it's going to affect my enjoyment of the podcast at all, because I always listen to the podcast with your track muted. And this is a bit of a tip for all our listeners, which is if you just don't listen to Dom's bits. And how do you propose they do that? What, just hover over the volume.

Just get Lachlan to do it for everyone. Yeah, see, because we're lucky. We've got all the stems. So I just mute Dom. And then you're just surprised at how much fun. funny at the whole podcast. It's really uplifting. It's much better because what it sounds like is mumble, mumble, mumble, bumble, buy my shit merch, mumble, mumble.

Kind of my show. Yeah, that's, I like listening to it that way. Coming up on the show, Dom's going to talk about Craig Thompson. That's a name we haven't heard in a while. But I've got to say, he's had a big week. This is a former MP from the Central Coast. Oh, right. Australia's Centre of Ethical Leadership.

If you're into doing political satire about 13 years ago, he was the only name. He was the only name. He was the only came in town. We got, like, I had whole, I had whole comedy sets just based on jokes about him.

13 years ago, I was 13. And then John's going to drop in, uh, to talk about how to be an alpha male. Great. I've been wondering, honestly,

because I think it would make life real easy. Yeah, yeah. I think I need to switch into that fuck boy state of mind. I've always thought the problem. The problem with you, Gabby, is that you're not an alpha male. Oh, yeah. I've always thought the problem with John was that he wasn't an alpha male too,

so I'm curious to know how this is going to work. Wait, is alpha male the kind of, is alpha male like, I own women, that kind of thing. Yeah, I think it's a second one. Oh, okay. It's the king of the male and of everything else. It's basically most of the people I started the chase are we do. Oh, okay. But you're probably too dumb to know that because you're a woman.

I think that's alpha male, isn't it? Yeah. Is it? Right, yeah. No, I should be more. making sandwiches. I've got it. I think I'm going to get there. All that and more coming up, but let's first of all go to Rebecca Dana Minow in the Chase the Newsroom. Fuck yeah.

Local boomers have reacted with fury after being told by millennials that they should consider cutting back on buying houses if they want to be able to afford fuel. Millennials earnestly pointed out boomers' problem is they're too lazy and entitled to understand that they need to work. if they want to buy luxuries like fuel, $4 coffees or newspaper subscriptions. A local sharehouser has returned their housemate's jug of milk back to the fridge after deeming it full enough with only 2 millimetres of milk remaining. The housemate has pleaded not guilty to their sharehouse tribunal

with the defence that the amount of milk left in the fridge could theoretically still be used in a small cup of tea or to poison a lactose intolerant guess. Peter Dutton's Space Force has been praised for their determination this week after pledging to stop all space refugees from settling on Mars. When criticised for wasting government money on an army force that could do much better work locally, or even just on our planet, Dutton told reporters that he is fully committed to servicing our galaxy

and will help out whenever there is a space bushfire, space flood or space earthquake. Those are the latest space headlines from the Chaser's Space Newsroom. I'm Space Rebecca de Junamuno. I know a great way to illustrate the generation gap between Charles and me in our mid-40s. And Gabby and I like that's who are much younger. Mid-30s, yeah. How funny do you think the words Craig Thompson are? I think they're just two of the most average white man names.

It sounds like a white dude name generator. It sounds like the name I would give if I was too famous to like reserve a for a dinner and I'd be like oh yeah six for Craig Thompson but if we told you that he comes from Gosford New South Wales would that change your mind not at all not at all quite a few of our team come from the Central Coast and I've got to say it's an amazing breeding ground of politicians who later get convicted of fraud which is what Craig Thompson is so Charles we'll get to the incredible week that he's had in a moment but just let's recap his historical allegations because there's a lot to them.

So he started life, it's important to note, he was in charge of the health services union. So his job was to represent the lowest paid people in the health system, the nurses, aides who change beds, who really need a good deal from their union. Like if the union's going to help anyone, it's the health services union. Oh, so this really was a long time ago, because I'm pretty sure that's not even a thing anymore. Yeah, no, they don't bother changing beds anymore. You know, ambulance workers, things like that. But what he did instead of that

Was had a bit of fun With his HSU credit card Charles Yes and it was things like Because didn't he just Wasn't it A whole lot of local rub and tug joints Was his main

But then didn't he claim It wasn't part of the problem That not only did he sort of Visit all these brothels On the on the HSU credit card Which arguably But also didn't he sort of claim I don't know

It wasn't me I just gave my credit card to like... What, someone else? Somebody else in the office. And it was actually other people in the office who did it. To be fair, I assume there are a lot of Craig Thompson's in any office. Who's the great office in this office?

Go on. So, looking at the... So the Fair Work Australia report concluded, 270 grand of union members funds from the most lowly sort of health workers spent by this guy. And what an amazing defense. It wasn't me. Everyone knew my credit card number and just charge shit on it.

Like, that's not a defense. That's actually not a defense. That's not a defense. You know, it would have been a better defense. You've got to have been like everyone who works in health services, Ozzie obviously is making much money and they have to gaslight in rub and tug joints. I am helping out my, like, members by going there and paying them in their other jobs. Well, I'm sure they're changing beds and cleaning up.

So maybe you're trying to recruit new members. No, do you know what I think the problem actually is here that I think in 2009 sex work was so stigmatized that he couldn't just own his sexual health, you know? Like, it's okay. Rothers exists and they're fine. You can be out and proud about your love of business. Just don't steal poor people's money to do it. Just don't use taxpayers' money to do it.

So, yeah, and he kept doing this even after he had basically left the union to run for parliament. He kept spending money on prostitutes, travel expenses. He kept the card. He left the union, but kept the union. He really got the best. This is what the court found. There were 140 separate offenses of theft. and fraud.

Oh, I'm going to do that when I leave the chaser. I know where all the cards are. I was under the impression that you were already doing that. Yeah, but I'm going to continue when I leave. Oh, right.

Yeah, cool. And so the delicious thing about Craig Thompson, though, is that he was part of the Gillard government. So the Gillard government was absolutely on a knife's edge because they were in minority government. Remember, they had to do the deal

with those independents and there was that incredibly long speech from Rob Oakeshot. So they couldn't afford to lose Craig Thompson's vote. So what happened was he resigned from the ALSHA. P but then sat on the back bench

and voted for all their laws to go through because they needed him to do that. And so every day in the Parliament, every single day Tony Abbott talked about Craig Thompson. Now this government basically relied on his vote. He was there for ages. He was like the weeping sore of Australian politics.

Which I'm sure he had some of on his dick as well. I knew, you know what? I sat there and know the word weeping and I knew you were going to say something. So, look, it's been a few things that have been up to recently. Late last year, police alleged, according to seven years, that Craig Thompson netted more than $2 million profit over four years

for migration fraud. So helping people come to Australia and start their new lives. To be fair, that should be Labor Policy. Yeah, that's true. I think migration fraud should be a central plank of the Labor Party's policy. Allegedly, more than 130 dodgy visa applications. I don't know if any of them then went on to become Peter. um,

O'pairs. I don't know what happened there, but... He's probably employed by Peter Dutton. So, no, it was a food service. So anyway,

so that's still pending as far as I know. Right. But then this week, he was arrested for breaching an AVO against his wife. And he pled,

he pleaded guilty to that. So that happened. Oh. And he spent the night in prison. So that's, you know, I mean, as much as we've been laughing at him,

that's awful. Yeah. And, potentially monstrous. But then within moment, like within mere hours, when he was already behind bars, he was charged with a completely different case of alleged fraud, right?

You say, well, I was police, and I'm getting this again from the AAP, the police were alleged that he made fraudulent applications for the COVID-19 support grant using false information documents. Remember how all that money sloshing around from the Nisovar's government? he basically used a fake name

and invented a fake business allegedly. Did he call himself Jerry Harvey or something? To get 20 grand. He also applied for Job Saver at 3 grand fortnight, which wasn't approved or paid, which I must say is the only case I've ever heard of

of one of these claims being knocked back. He's got a busy legal agenda. I just hope he's still got the union credit card to pay for all the lawyers fees. It reminds me of, you know, in year nine history you'd always learn about convicts coming out to Australia who'd be like they got done

for stealing a loaf of bread and then they got done and they're just constantly getting caught for these crimes I think he just needs to give up on crime I think he's not very good at crime he should try something else but that's the thing about criminals they get off on it don't I it's hard to give up crime I think they get off on the

it tastes so good but also these are only the crimes that we caught him for who know he might have gotten off on much more much better ones one thing we know about Craig Thompson it's that he gets off None of the medical advice contained in the Chaser Report should legally be considered medical advice. The Chaser Report.

So, John, you're here to teach us how to be alpha males. I, for one, I'm very excited. Oh, God, me too. After the last few weeks of hell content that you guys have made me watch, there's been concerned around the office that it could affect my mental health. Oh, no. What have you hit to watch? Like all the, um, I had to watch, break down all the 60 minutes.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's 120 minutes. That's like so many minutes. And so now I decided this week I'll just take some time to better myself. And because I've been told that it's not healthy to base myself worth on how funny it is when people will tweet at me that I'm a soy boy beta cuck when they're upset at all my articles. Soyboy is so funny. I decided like if that's the wrong thing, I should do, I should look at the opposite content.

So I started going to Alpha Mail podcast on TikTok that give good advice. We're not meant to be beta. We're meant to be alpha. Well, I'm assuming if my therapist tells me that finding joy from being called a beta and finding self-worth from being called a beta is bad. That means that the self-worth is supposed to come from being an alpha. Yes, of course. And I've learned so much and not just about like being a strong man or like they don't usually

talk about that stuff actually. A lot of it is just centered around women usually. Ah. Which is great for self-worth. Goody. So I've learned a lot. There's a major red flag when a girl frequently posts photos on. Instagram with the sole purpose being for male attention swim suit photos

body photos selfie I love that they're all groaning like ugh we hate swimsuit but oh no unless I've paid for it in a magazine because then it's fine yes I liked a lot from that episode of a podcast called good bro bad bro yuck which because like I before learning all this new stuff I assumed that that like women posting on Instagram was like a thing that they're supposed to do on Instagram. Yeah. But clearly, you're not allowed to post it.

Yeah, no. Well, men, like the hosts of the podcast have a lot of shirtless picks on their Instagram. Oh, right. So it's like, of course they do. It's fine for men, but when women, but selfies for women are apparently not on, which I had no idea beforehand.

So I'm really enjoying this education. I guess I need to take some more swimsuit picks, but I need to charge for them is what I'm hearing. Well, Gabby, my concern is that sort of sounds like a hobby which conflicts with what I have next. Oh, okay, right. Oh, no. How many girls do you know actually have hobbies?

Like, some girls, like, they knit or they read or something like that. Bro. They don't spend a lot of time doing it. Dude, shout out to girls that knit. Hey, hey, have these people met a woman? Hey, I knit. I knit. Oh, you need.

Oh, okay. That's real. But also, fuck these guys. I'm fucking, what do you mean? Do you know a girl that has a hobby? Fuck. More girls than men have hobbies. Anyway, go on.

Yeah, what are you going to say? No, I'm just surprised that you need. Yeah, my mum nits. Why does everyone need? Bro. Well, my mum... Bro. Bro.

Bro, that's fucking disgusting. Hey. Do you not listen, that's the only hobby that women... Yeah, we're allowed to. That's why I've learned how to do it. It's the only one I was allowed to do. I feel sorry for Gabi because I didn't know all this time that you didn't have hobbies until you learned how to knit recently.

Yeah, that's it. I don't know. I don't have any other skills or hobbies. Yeah. But knitting are fucking great. So what's their definition of a hobby? um existing for male attention i don't have the clip but they do have a lot they do have a very long list of what doesn't count which includes like traveling watching tv going out watching tv is in a hobby

so all of their favorite women must wrap themselves in glad rap and blind themselves is that like just to not do anything because like traveling that could be anything they could be walking around the block yeah i don't know what their hobbies are but there's one thing i know for sure which is that it like at first i went into these podcasts thinking that most of the stuff they say say is then trying to rationalize their sexism. Ah. But then I listen to this next clip and the more I learned, the more I realized that I was just wrong.

The girl that works out, keeps her body in check in tone, physically shaping her bodies through exercising, that takes a tremendous amount of effort. I would argue it doesn't take as much effort as it does for a man to do the same thing. Because a man has to resist earth with gravity when he lifts.

What? Women don't have gravity. There's not gravity for women. Fucking, this is sick. I'm going to go. jump off a building. If women can fly, I don't know why these guys are being so picky. You'd be so lucky if a flying woman wanted your gravity ass. Point out, my wife is heavily pregnant. Gravity is a big fucking problem for her right now. Probably is not her friend. Why do they think that

women don't have... Actually, they've literally never met a woman. But do we have any sense of what they were actually trying to mean? Or did they actually mean... No, they were just saying that men have but harder working out because men have to deal with gravity. They're really clutching at straws there, are they? That is not true. I'll prove that we're oppressed. And men pump iron. Oh, men pump iron.

Oh, so what it is, is women just, what do they do? They just do skipping rope or something. And men have to lift things. I don't know. Well, you guys clearly don't like this podcast. So I have a clip from another one of my heroes, big Nick from the Mansplane podcast. Oh, fuck me. It's not called the Man's.

Explain podcast, is it? Teaching us about... Take microphones away from men. I'm sorry. I'm fucking over it. Go on. What is the spiritual and psychological warfare in today's feminist movement? Warfare?

The feminist movement was actually funded by Luciferians that were working in the CIA. And this was to make women think that they are not equal to man. Where the Bible clearly states that men and women are equal, they just serve different functions and purposes. I had no idea until this week that the CIA and Luciferians behind feminism. I'd be making shit loads more money if that were true. To be fair, I'm pretty conflicted. This is the first time I've heard about devil worshippers

and the CIA that I didn't agree with. I was completely on board. I'm like, yeah, they worship the devil. Wait, not like that. But I love the idea that they can't bear the idea that women came up with feminism. The CIA came up with feminism. No, because this is actually a really interesting point,

not to get all fucking philosophical, but there's a whole thing about comedy, right, where it's like you inherently laugh at a comedian when you trust their opinion is intelligent. And that's the thing. And that is why so many men don't get women's jokes. Yeah, yeah. Because they don't trust women.

They don't trust women to be intelligent. Sources of information. How did you work that out? It's the CIA. Well, Gabby, you say that. But then also, watching all these podcasts, I realize that we can't be friends. Oh, that's fine.

Well, because you... I'll just turn on my anti-grabb and float the fuck away. Yeah, because you have a boyfriend, which means I'm allowed to be friends with you, but you're not allowed to be friends with me. Oh, I forgot about this old chestnut. This is in all the podcast. No, I'm supposed to be in a cage once I have a boyfriend. Yeah, it's on, but luckily, Gabby, so for some reason,

some of these podcasts got accused of sexism. Right. And can't see why. One of the podcasts called That Guy's Bud had actually did a whole segment on advice that he thinks for women for their most important issues. Great. Can't wait to find it. For women and for women only.

Why is he yelling at me? It is okay. for you to be feminine. What is he going? It is okay for you to turn down a threesome because you don't want to be involved in it. Okay? Gabby, you're allowed to turn down.

Freesomes from now on. Am I supposed to be afraid of that option? Well, thank you so much to the shoddy man for giving women agency. It's okay. There was none. For you to not want to have a threesome with me. All right, well, guys, I've got no time left.

I've got to go. So, um... Bye, Gabby. Bye. See you later. It's really high up here. You're allowed to turn down threesomes up there. I can't get down now.

Our gears from road microphones. We're part of the ACAR's Crater Network. And if you see Gabby Bolt just floating through the air somewhere above Crater, Sydney. There's a fucking play. I don't help her out.