The Chaser Report - The Revolution Will Not Be On Microsoft Teams

Episode Date: May 4, 2026

Charles is back again from his Wankernomics tour adventures, ready for Dom to fill him in on the latest updates from the Strait of Hormuz. Listen for sea mines, latex deficits, and more! Plus, Charles shares what happened when flights on his trip were too dangerous because of the war. Firth on the frontline???---Listen AD FREE: https://thechaserreport.supercast.com/ Follow us on Instagram: @chaserwarSpam Dom's socials: @dom_knightSend Charles voicemails: @charlesfirthEmail us: [e-mail] CEO’s Super-yacht upgrade Fund: https://chaser.com.au/support/ Send complaints to: [e-mail] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gatigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome back to The Chaser Report with Dom and Charles. Yes, we're in the same country, in the same suburb, even in the same room, Charles, amazingly enough. And we owe people an apology. We didn't intend for there to be a long break. There were a series of plans whereby other people would sashay into the podcast and record with me and, you know, we'd do some good stuff.

and yeah, that all fell through for various reasons. We got Sammy Shah to do a couple of episodes, including his amazing documentary, which I recommend to everybody in the feed, which, by the way, if you listen to it before, we only published a bit of it because Lachlan thought we were cross-promoting it. Nope, the whole thing's up there now. So it's all about where the satire means anything. The only problem with listening to it is that you won't want to listen to the podcast ever again, but it's a risk I'm willing to take.

So there you go. Charles, we've got a bit of news to catch up on after the ad, shall we? Yes. Now, my social feeds have been completely inundated by accurately self-described wankers, feeling big theatres. It's going very well. I think as a Chase to Report listener, I'm glad you have family here that you have to come back to, at least for now.

Yes. The UK seems to love you and James. What's going on? The UK is so much better than Australia. In so many ways, they're just more enthusiastic. There's a real sense of, we feel like swifties over there. They've taken you for granted. And there's not Swifty's.

You feel like Taylor Swifties. Go on it. Yeah, they're the, no, but like, there's the equivalent of Swifties for Wankanonics. Or do you mean Jonathan Swifties? They're like Wankies. Wankies. Oh, wankies. Very good.

Because you said, like, we get, like, after the show, like people, we get, we get flocked by people wanting selfies with us. Oh, my God. They're all, they're all middle-aged, you know, middle managers. Accenture. Yeah, yeah. All the accentia stuff come from, canary off to see you and briefly laugh at the absurdity of their lives before resuming it.

I can see that in a place of so much misery, your ability to channel that misery into comedy just one evening off. Yes. It's valuable. Fascinating things is people actually turn up and then at the end of it will say, oh yeah, I had no idea how terrible my life had become. And then, you know, seeing this, I've just realized I'm such a wanker, right? And it's like, it's amazing that people don't realize.

Fucking cult leader now. That's the next series. That's the next show. I mean, there is another show for those who haven't seen, whatever the next one's called. I'm always tracking. I use this. Use this is the most recent. The one after that, surely should be, so you're going to quit or what?

Like, don't go away. Don't see this show and just go back to a job. Yeah. It works exactly like this. Like, you know, be the change. Stoke, Stoke revolution amongst the middle managers of the world. Yeah. Middle managers of the world unite.

Well, maybe this is the culmination of your teenage socialist aspirations. They can organise the revolution through email. Through a meeting, an outlook invitation. That would be great. Foot on you, do not disturb. We'll gather at the,

bring in the tumbles. What a great idea. That is a great idea. I'm getting a percentage of that. We actually, we should organize a revolution. We organize a revolution. Using modern tools.

Through slack. That's grace. Yeah, through that, all those websites. So you've got to add it to your Trello or your Asana. Yeah, that's right. Oh my gosh, that would be so funny. An AI summary of the revolution of the revolution to overthrow AI.

Yeah. All right. So there you go. We've solved that. But look, we're back, at least for the time being, doing the podcast. And there's a lot of news, Charles. A lot has changed since you left. I want to start with, well, as Sammy and I covered the war, it's not quite as resolved as you

might have thought when you left. Did you fly back fly to you buy or any? What are they like that or did you go past? My flights were rooted through Doha. Oh, really? And so I had to, very early, like the day after the war began, I had to cancel all those and reroute them through China. I see I ended up going to Shanghai. Can I say, you go to Shanghai and you see why people come back from Shanghai going, it's the future.

China is the future. I went to a Huawei store. Oh, wow. And it's exactly laid up like an Apple store. It's identical to an Apple store except that it's so much better because it's not just got phones and tablets and watches and speakers and everything, but it's got things like cars. Really? And like these weird like cybertronic helmets and robots and things are there.

And they're all, it's all laid up like an Apple store, but the Apple store just goes on and on and on. With more and more impressive products. How amazing. I remember I went to China and I studied there, studied Chinese law. for a few weeks in 2001, I think it was. And it was just when China was joining the WTO and they'd gone through and passed all this new intellectual property law and all this stuff, all the stuff they're required to do to join the WTO.

And the teachers would come and tell us in English, oh, you know, look at China's new, it's sort of like a one-pageer of intellectual property law. It's all fantastic. We're, you know, the modern system. And then we all got outside the front of the university and buy pirate DVDs to watch in the evening. I bought my son a Rolex while I was there. Wow.

It cost $12. Very good. And then he looked at it. I gave it to him. And this morning he said to me, he looked it up and the Rolex that I bought him is worth $18,000. So if that's not, well, it's a bargain. Yeah. It's probably a relox.

It may be, it may be the case that it's a genuine one and there's no IP. Yeah, it's possible. Yeah, it might be. It might have just come from the factory. I might have just very good at haggling. Yeah. But also, I mean, the way of things. is going, look electric cars, perhaps the Chinese

fake is of higher quality than the one that says Rolex. It's entirely possible. Like, BYD is now, which was kind of a Tesla rip-off in so many ways, is now seems to be surpassing them. I'm trying to look for my, I also picked up a baseball cap. Oh yeah. For the New York Mets.

Oh, wow, wow. I've heard of them. The New York. Yeah. They go, they. It's Y. Don't they play in bookline? Yeah. Yeah. So, no, it was, I mean, China is just, anyway,

It was so good not going through the Middle East because you go, you know, Middle East is such a basket case. Also, they're authoritarian regimes. I mean, as you go through China, well, it's not a basket case. This is the trade off. If you're going to live in an authoritarian regime, at least make it one with good technology in efficient operations. It's very hard discovered to get out of Australia without going through an authoritarian regime. Yeah. Like, we're surrounded by, like, you'd have to go through India, I think.

Which you basically can't. Yeah. And Malaysia can barely, you can barely fly through. Oh, why not? Oh, no. Just because it's too, it's too far. There's, well, there's flights to, I think Kwanis flies to Bangalore and then that's it.

There's flights to Delhi, that's it. So you've got to change in Singapore. Or we actually, we've discussed this before, haven't we? Because Perth is the other way to get to Europe. Yeah, but you've got to Perth. Yeah. But also, it makes no sense to fly U.S. Anyway, this is all very exciting.

And what a lucky thing for Australia that you came back. But perhaps it's, perhaps what you've found the perfect solution, which is to live mostly in Australia, which is actually a pleasant place. Yes. Nice climate and all that. Yeah. By the way, summer hasn't ended. Have you noticed since we got back in Sydney?

Yeah, a little bit worrying. But, you know, I'm sure it will. There's a global study that says that Sydney is actually extended its normal summer due to climate change more than anywhere else in the world. I love. I love the fact that I got back. So, like, if you don't live here, it's mid-20s. It has been for weeks. Because we played a show in Denmark, right.

And they're, and they're already talking about, oh, well, it's basically summer, right? Van Konomish. And, you know, got up to sort of 12 degrees, 13 degrees. And everyone had their t-shirts on. People were taking their shoes off to enjoy the heat, the heat wave of the 13 degree day. I didn't realize your show was clothing optional. That's very good. I didn't realize the wanking was literal.

So, yeah, no, you do realize, although, I mean, to be honest, the weather was But yes, you get back here and you go, this is just heaven. But what I'm thinking is that the UK, having lived there for a few years myself and being thoroughly miserable in the 80s, a place like that, no wonder it's a hotbed for comedy. Because you need the preconditions of misery and as dark, dismal lives to really be able to give yourself to a show like yours. And actually, climate change will only enhance that. Yes.

What does it call the OMOC, the OMIC? You know, the Gulf Stream, is supported by the vortex or whatever it is. So the Gulfstream that makes England warm is supported by a much larger system called the OME. Yeah. Which is ironic, warm to the extent that it is warm, which is not only for a few months. And there was just some modelling just the other day coming out of the US, which was saying, look, that really is in trouble. And like all around Europe, there was reports that at any moment that could collapse.

And it really is sort of the day after tomorrow style scenario. Do you remember that movie where the whole of Los Angeles froze to death and stuff like that? Well, you know, that is, you know, in Europe's future, which means that the conditions will be even more miserable, which means that they're even more right for comedy like when you're doing. Yes, it's so British, isn't it? Yes. That global warming everywhere else results in... The BBC's got an article here, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Exactly right. It could the UK actually get colder with global warming. Yes, the ocean currents could... collapse. Yes. And that's what brings such the way. You say AMOC, there you go.

The Atlantic meridional overturning circulation. Yes. Look, I think the audience knows what that is, Dom. I don't think we need to. No, AMOC. I'm sorry, I unpacked the, uh, the, uh, the, uh, here's the point just briefly before we move on from the AMOC. The UK should be as cold as Moscow because it's that same distance from the,

quite from, um, from the north pole. Right. Yeah. So it should actually be as cold as Moscow, but it's not because of the AMO. For now. Right. All right. The Chaser Report.

Less news. More often. Anyway, point is, yes. The war's still going. Go and make some money in the UK, come back, enjoy Australian weather. Meanwhile, the war. Well, what do you reckon? The Strait of Hamoos just sort of...

Like Trump's said today that he's going to clear the space of... Yes, it's Operation Freedom is going to go through and escort people. But my understanding is, wasn't the whole point that the reason why the US blocker the strait was because they couldn't clear the straight because Iran was just going to use drones to bomb anything that went through it. But also it's not at all clear. It's not at all clear that he's aware that there are landmines. Sorry, that they're at sea mines.

Sea mines, not landmines, landmines that float or whatever it is. Yeah. So he probably doesn't know because this is the whole thing that people are saying is that everyone around him is telling him only the good news. No one's telling him, for instance, that the US is rapidly running out of, say, munitions. So the interesting thing about those seamines is what you do to do. dismantling. I was reading about this. So, Iran has placed sea mines all throughout the southern part of the Strait of

Lumuz, where the choke point is, right? Yep. And that's why everyone has to go through the top part, which makes it really easy to then patrol, right? Yeah. But the interesting thing about those sea mines is you can put them out pretty quickly, but they don't, they don't float. They're a little bit further down. Sit on the bottom.

They're like, well, no, they're like in the middle. Do they float in the middle? I thought they were down about 10, 5 or 10 meters or something like that. Just to where you can't see them. Which means that what you have to do is you have to position a boat. Like America to dismantle them would have to position a boat near where the mines are. And then. James Schleffel is ringing.

James, you've had enough of his time. This is my time. Another, you know, bring back later. And then you just have to stay there while your divers or drones or whatever go down. What a job. Dismandle them. Apparently, minimum. we're talking minimum nine months to clear enough of a path, assuming everything goes well.

But also it means that while you're waiting, while your crew up the top are waiting over the sea mines, you're just sitting ducks. Going to die, yes. And essentially, they're in a place where Iran can easily just send missiles or drones across from their own land. So it's sort of like, it would take, in peaceful conditions, it'd take nine months to clear. in non-peaceful conditions, we're talking several years. But Charles, you're assuming that the war will continue with, that Iran will keep wanting to attack America,

rather than cowering in fear at the prospect of being bombed back to the Stone Age. Donald Trump was very clear that he was going to do that. It must be running late and out of timetabled order. I'm sure it's coming any second now. They seem not to be terribly scared of that for some reason. It's strange, isn't it? I think it's, but isn't it because they have existed in a reality where Donald Trump can say something and,

you know, the press and the Murdox and the Fox News and the Newsmax and everything, then just sort of make it to be roughly true because he said this thing and you just sort of will things into existence, right? It just becomes true because it becomes the narrative. Whereas they now have an opponent who just does not give a fucking shit about where the Fox News loves thing or hang. Yeah, and which believes in Martyrdom and is pretty cool with the idea of that as seen pretty recently with the former Ritella.

And yeah, I don't know that Trump understands extremists at all. But it's not even extremists. He keeps expecting to be able to do a deal. Iran is being a rational actor in this. Like, it's actually the US that's being the irrational actor. Like, if you actually think about, like, you can hate, you can sort of, you can separate the religious extremism and authoritarianism of Iran from their actual game plan. Yes, which is very efficient.

Yeah, totally. Very, very rational. Like, they're just playing, you know, a game of. you know, war that actually sort of makes rational sense and providing pain whenever the US does something that provides them pain. Well, I mean, the US has no tolerance for military losses, for losses of personnel in this at all, which is, makes them very vulnerable. Yes.

They haven't got much experience at fighting a war in Iran, which, by the way, Iran does. And they've got Israel, which seems to now be hell-bent on destroying Lebanon as their ally. So yeah, it's kind of not shocking that the war is still raging on and that a deal is not being made. It's not entirely clear what Iran's incentive is at this point to make a deal, really. Is they particularly bothered about the war not ending as long as it's like this and there's a ceasefire of sorts and there's no real hostility? Like what is true? What onus is there to just cut a deal? The blockade that the US has placed on the strait does mean that Iran, because in the In the early weeks of this war, Iran was still able to get oil out to Malaysia and Philippines and the US.

This is the one clever thing that they've done, isn't they going, well, if you blockade it, we can blockade it as well. I have a double blockade. And so Iran is sort of running out of money. But you'd have to say that given that Iran's government is very happy with just killing civilians if they revolt, then you'd have to say it's probably not a huge consideration. that they're running out of resources. The one thing that I would say is one of the most fascinating shortages

that this war has created is, guess where most of the world's medical gloves come from? Oh, this isn't, I know latex has been impacted by this because I know the news story the other day that, yeah, the world condom supply is in terrible straits. Right. So medical gloves, basically 95% of the world supply of medical clubs come from, Malaysia. Yeah, as with con norms as well. Malaysia sources, I think, 100% of its oil from Iran, right?

Like on a sort of, and actually had been given an exemption by Iran because Iran and Malaysia are close to just keep receiving oil. But now it's got to the point where Malaysia are having real trouble keeping up with the manufacturer of gloves, which means that there is about to be a massive shortage for gloves amongst, it's being compared to the COVID shortages of the PPE, which means that things like paramedics and E.R. Departments suddenly become incredibly threatened. Yeah, delivering babies becomes, you cannot.

Well, but maybe you can control for babies a little bit with, you know, tests beforehand, but any emergency services, you can't let the paramedics get, you know, blood on their hands and things like that if you don't know where the blood. Actually, this could be a way that the war gets resolved. Because as we know, one of Donald Trump's most prolonged psychological... He's a germaphybe. He's a massive germaphobe. And so perhaps this is the solution.

This is the solution. We say to him, you won't be able to have gloves. Well, I mean, if Stormy Daniels is to be believed, she doesn't always like a glove, does he? I think, is this a good point in which to make everyone glad that we're back and call it? I was going to get into how the Albanese government proposes to do something about it. Oh, we'll have to leave that for another day. We've covered the rubber supply. Hang on.

But we'll get to... No, we've got to hear the solution. It won't take long. It's not budget until next week anyway. It doesn't matter. They're just prepping the ground to try and disappoint boomers. You'll love it. We'll get to it.

Oh, okay. I would love to hear about it. Okay, we're part of the iconic list network. We'll catch you tomorrow.