The Chaser Report - The Russia Today Report

Episode Date: October 13, 2022

Glory to Putin! Dom brings all the latest news that the pesky western media is ignoring, finally telling the truer, Russian-er side of the war. If nuclear war happens tomorrow, don't say we didn't warn you. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gatigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report, sponsored by Russia Today, the world's premier source of news on Russia. I'm Dom Knight, proud ally of the Russian Federation. Charles Firth, welcome to this podcast brought to you by Russia today. Dom, we haven't discussed this. When did that come in? Did that just come in recently?

It's come in now. Right. And it's coming for me personally. It's not really, I mean, it's sort of for the podcast, but you don't get a choice. It's kind of, it's, I guess you could call it you've being bombarded with ads. Oh, I see. Yeah, that's kind of how it's going down. So it's sort of like, if we don't say that, then we get sort of killed.

Is that what you mean yet? Basically. Well, I'm, I for one, have always loved Putin, and he's, he's just pure, he's just such a relaxed figure, isn't he? He is the greatest living human, and I'm going to explain why, after this ad from our lesser sponsors. The Chaser Report, news you know you can't trust. You could have avoided that ad by going to chaser.com.com.com.com slash podcast. Or you could go to Russia today and find out the real news about the, Well, people call it a war in Ukraine, Charles.

So I'm here on behalf of my good friends at Russia today to clear up or any misconceptions about the war. And the first misconception is, Charles, it's not a war. It's not a war. No. What do you mean? Well, it started out as a special military operation. Yeah.

And now it's basically a democratic election. But what? What? Yeah. No. Haven't you seen the news footage of all those people in Ukraine? well in what was parts of Ukraine is now part of Russia

going to vote in their clear ballot boxes which is a good system because if the ballot box is clear you can make sure they're not wasting their votes on the wrong side. Yes, that's right. I didn't see that they were clear. They were being led there at gunpoint

in case anyone attacked them. Yes. Because as you know, the Ukrainian government is a Nazi government and they wanted to interfere with the free and fair elections that Russia conducted. in the parts of Ukraine that are actually now Russia. I kind of feel like we need that sort of system here.

Clear ballot boxes. Yeah, clear ballot boxes, but also voting at gunpoint. I think, you know, one of the problems with the last election was there wasn't enough transparency. Yeah, literal transparency. Of the ballot box. That's right. I personally felt very threatened by the lack of guns in the polling booth.

No, Australia has lots of problems. And to be fair, I mean, people criticise Russia's elections and Vladimir Putin's conduct of them. This was the least undemocratic election that Vladimir Putin has ever presided over. Wow. Yeah, no, compared, because in Russia, they just make up the vote. It's like, let's not get ourselves. This actually had people voting. They counted it.

I mean, they ignored the result, obviously. But they, yeah, they actually counted it more thoroughly. Yeah. And I don't think people actually bothered to vote in Russia. And what was the result? What happened? Oh, overwhelming endorsement of those four. provinces in the Dombas region, becoming part of Russia.

Of Russia. Well, they already were. They always were. This is another misconception. This is a thing, yes. They were always part of Russia. Yes. It's just, it's a mistake that's been made.

They're always part of Russia. In fact, all of Ukraine is part of Russia. Yes. Because the Soviet Union was never legally dissolved. And in fact, the entire area, the whole of Eastern Europe is just rightfully part of the Soviet Union. Why? Just bear with me for a second.

If there's anything you don't understand, I'm here to explain. I'm here to explain. Why do they have to use so many bombs to get it back? Well, I mean. If it's sort of already part of Russia. But that's misinformation, right? Okay, because there was a tragic bombing. Yeah.

A tragic, an evil and terrorist bombing. Oh, yes. And that was when the agents of Ukraine, the Ukraine Special Service, the terrorists. Yes, yes. They are legitimately part of the Ukrainian government, if you believe sham international law. But we say that they're terrorists. They blew up the bridge, Charles. They blew up the bridge between Russia and Russia.

Oh, yes. Yeah, to Crimea, which is, as we know, always part of Russia. It was the proudest achievement of Vladimir Putin. When it was built, Vladimir Putin, actually, he drove a dump truck across the bridge. Yes. The beautiful, lovely bridge. Is the dump truck the sort of highest honor that Russia is? can bestow

I think it was the only working vehicle available on the day. He drove the dump truck over himself. We are proud to present a dump truck.

Although to be fair that was the only time Crimee has ever had a rubbish collection day where rubbish was taken away. But anyway, so this was done

and it expressed the people of Ukraine of the people of Crimea's desire to be part of Russia. Yes. We didn't ask them but we assumed

that's what they wanted. Yes. And we built this bridge And now, now that they've built, now that they've bombed this bridge, the supply lines don't work anymore. Russia can't supply Russia. No. The trucks can't go across.

The military can't go across. But if everyone agrees that it's part of Russia, why, I mean, why is it, why can't they just come in somewhere else? Because surely everyone just agrees. Well, it's not, it's not like it's a contiguous piece of land, admittedly. Okay. There's another bit of Ukraine kind of in between the two. And in fact, it's kind of the only way.

you can get to Russia from Russia is over the bridge to Crimea. Oh, I see. So, oh, I see. So. Because if you look at the map, you might be mistaken in thinking it was rightfully part of Ukraine. Yes. Rather than the Russia that it truly is. It truly is. Right. Okay. Okay. So that's a big misconception.

Okay, great. And the other thing is, you mentioned bombs. Now, look, there were bombs. There were bombs dropped on Kyiv and other parts of Ukraine in the past week. You need to view them as bombs of liberation, right? Because what's happened is, in recent months, Russia has liberated the eastern provinces that were always part of Russia. It's liberated those people from being part of Ukraine.

And when bombs were dropped on the cities and the parks and the other facilities, we were also liberating Ukrainians from being in Ukraine anymore. The people who got bombed were no longer, they're free from being in Ukraine. Now. Right. I mean, they were vaporized. Oh, I see. because they are no longer of this world.

Yeah, yeah. In many ways, they're liberated. What about the, wasn't there a playground that got bombed? Like, one of the bombsites? Oh, no, that's a false flag. That's a false flag. Oh, that was done by the Ukrainians. That's right.

They're monsters. Monsters. Yes. Oh, that, well, that makes sense, doesn't it? Because weren't they all in, like, downtown Kiev? Like, they weren't, they were sort of civilian sites. They weren't military sides. Well, you say that.

Yes. But that's just misinformation. Right. Because what they do, the Ukrainians, their top military facilities are actually playgrounds. That's where they do their training. That's where they keep their munitions. That is good cover. In the playgrounds.

If you looked up close, the swing set actually has missiles concealed inside. They're legitimate military targets. Russia would never commit a war crime. No. Charles. No. And just to clarify, you're getting all your information from Russia today, are you? Yeah.

Because the rest of it's misinformation. Yes, right. You have to turn to the official Putin sources to get the truth. I mean, there have been so many misconceptions during this war. Another thing. Yes. People say Putin is unhealthy. Yeah, well, have you seen his fingers?

I know, that was Prince Charles. That's King Charles. Yeah. He's unhealthy. Yeah. I think we've got him with Polonium. I think it's going to take it a little while. Yeah.

But no, Vladimir Putin is he's in fine form. Right. He's in great shape. Yeah. It's just the stress of the responsibility he has of freeing Russians in Ukraine that's making him look like he's got terminal cancer. He does. He looks very bad. But are you saying stress is it?

Right. Well, he's got the responsibility of letting this war, which is going so well. The weight of the world of a successful war is. is wearing him down. It does. It's a lot of responsibility. Is it because in some ways he would prefer it to be a bit fairer? Like that in some ways it's just so easy.

It's really, that it's stressful. It's like, you know, having a fight with a baby, basically. Yes. Yes.

It's just he feels bad that the baby, but the baby's got to get taught because the baby's a Nazi. You would feel bad. No baby's a Nazi. That's right. He does feel bad. He'll live till he's 150. Don't even worry about that.

Putin's going to live forever. Sure, you're not reading North Korean news now? Actually, we have very good news about North Korea's off. The Chaser Report. More news. Less often. So, look, the war is going very well. Okay, great.

And people are saying Ukraine is winning the war. Yes. They're saying that, but it's actually the only part of the Ukraine that's winning the war is the part that is in Russia. Do you see what I'm saying? Ukrainians are losing the war. They're losing the war. And in fact, Ukraine doesn't even exist.

So when you say to me, just to clarify, because Ukraine is actually Russia, yes, Russia is winning the war. That's right. Ukraine doesn't exist. Because, you know, their forces, which, you know, misleading Western sources called Ukraine. That's right. Are brilliant military strategists who keep winning every battle that they fight. But because they're actually Russians.

You understand. They are actually winning the war. Ukraine doesn't rightfully exist. It was a mistake by Yeltsin. Oh, it was a typo, wasn't it? It was a total typo. It's the same. It's basically the same language.

I mean, it's not really. But it is, it's the same. It's Russian. They speak Russian there. I mean, our president's Vladimir. There's his Vlodomere, right? Potato, potato. Yes.

It's just all part of Russia. And so why? Just humor me. Why is President Xi Jinping of China? Yes. Distancing himself from Putin. in the last few days and saying, oh, Russia should actually de-escalate.

Now, shouldn't drop the bomb on civilian playgrounds. They're not civilian playgrounds, but anyway? Yeah, yeah. You mean military installations? Yeah, yeah, there's military playgrounds. That's right. Those roundabouts. Have you ever been on one of those roundabouts?

Those things are deadly. Why is China distancing itself from the winning side? It's jealousy. Of course it's jealousy I mean people for a long time For a long time There were two superpowers Yes

There was the US Yes And there was a Soviet Union Yes And then people had thought People had thought that it was China in the US now But now Xi Jinping has seen the might of the Russian army

The mind of the Russian army The incredible might of the Russian army Oh yes As shown by the fact that That we needed to conscript More civilians Yes That's been misreport

They were volunteering To give them a chance. They want to be part of the victory. To enjoy victory. They want to be part of the victory. They want to say we were there. And Russians are lazy, aren't they? I mean, you've got to conscript them just to get them to do anything.

That's right. Imagine how much we would have won by if we were trying. Yes. And so China is now jealous because they're worried that they're next. Yes. I mean, China might also be part of Russia. Can you prove it's not? That's a good point.

I mean, in some ways, is a... Australia, Russia. I mean, it could be. Yes. It could be. You can't prove it's not. It will be quite hard to build the land bridge, but we're working on it. Our side is working on it.

Charles, the final misconception I want to clear up, and this is really important, because I think people are worried, people are scared that there's going to be a nuclear war. Yes. That Russia is going to drop nukes on Ukraine. I mean, of course, Russia's not going to drop nukes on Ukraine. But nor is Russia not going to drop nukes on Ukraine. But nor is Russia not going to drop nukes on Ukraine? It's a very fine line.

Look, I don't totally understand that tends to stop. I mean, we would never, we would never drop nukes on Ukraine unless they keep doing exactly what they're doing and then they'll see what they get. But we'd never do it, of course. Right. Because it's Russia. It would be like dropping a nuke on your own foot.

Unless your foot, unless your foot was a Nazi, in which case well, better to cut it off. Do you feel safer? The important point is Vladimir Putin is a very stable man who would never do anything to destabilise the world.

He would never plunge the world into an unnecessary war. What kind of man do you think he is? He's an ex-KGB officer. He understands these things. Yes. He understands that the threat of extreme physical violence and torture will break people. But don't you think, like, you know,

There's, like, just humor me for a second. Sure. Like, he is, in some ways, like, if you just don't necessarily take everything on board that you're saying and just sort of use a different source to Russia today's for a second. Oh, I can't use Western sources, sure. You know, there is an argument to say Putin's sort of back is against the wall. He's a cornered person. Yeah.

The only thing he can do now is, like, you know, his conventional weapons haven't worked. he's got Belarus sending over Iranian drones, but, you know, they're not, there's not a long-term strategy. The only choice really is to go nuclear. I mean, you've made a terrible mistake there when you say Belarus, Russia. Oh, yes. It's just more of Russia. Yes.

So Russia and Russia are fighting Russia. Yes. In a war at the moment, that's what's going on. It's an internal affair, really. It's not really any of our business. It's not any of your business. I don't know why Australia. And why is Australia arming Ukraine?

Sending over Bushmasters. So I can commit to you here today Russia will under no circumstances drop a nuclear weapon in Ukraine unless we have to. Unless we look like we're losing the war, but which we're not. No.

We're not losing the war. We're winning the war and we're conscripting more soldiers just like when you have a really good party you want to invite your extra neighbours. You know, hey, we're having a great time. come on down to the front and be part of the war. Yes.

That gives me great comfort, Dom. I will sleep tonight, hopefully. I don't think you should sleep tonight because it's probably going to go down tonight. Oh. Yeah, the bombing that we're not going to do. Yeah. I think we're pretty fucking desperate at this point.

We don't have a lot of other options. Okay. Well, it's been nice knowing you, Dom. Is this it? Only if you think Vladimir Putin's an unhinged madman who'll basically nuke a country right next to Russia and thereby all the fallout will also come into the rest of Russia

just to save face. Unless you think Putin would do that, yeah, it's basically over. Well, this episode was proudly sponsored by Russia today and we're part of the Acast Creative Network. Catch you tomorrow, maybe. It'll be fine. Thank you.