The Chaser Report - The Senate Estimates Comedy Hour | Zoe Norton Lodge | James Schloeffel

Episode Date: June 7, 2021

No longer dry and boring, Senate Estimates is a total laugh riot now that senators are reading out satirical gags! Plus, our Royal Correspondent Zoe joins us to welcome the new Californian Royal, and we learn how to cover the Melbourne lockdown the Sky News way. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report for Tuesday, the 8th of June, 2021. Now, Charles, you're looking a bit stressed. I am very stressed. You're looking a little bit down. Yes. The weight of the world, the daily podcast, is grinding you. Oh, it's horrible, isn't it?

I really don't enjoy this job. But there is some good news. Just that according to Ben Robert Smith's barrister, when you're under a lot of stress, It's actually okay if you feel like drinking a beer out of a dead man's prosthetic leg. Ah, well, that's a huge relief, isn't it? Because it might, he said, it might appear bad taste to drink from a souvenir prosthetic leg taken from a dead enemy. But, and I quote, in the scheme of human wickedness,

it does not in my submission rate terribly high. So have that it, Charles. I know you wanted to. In terms of all the war crimes, it's just a minor war crime. It's a petty war crime. Yeah. It's just an accessory. It's just a drinking stine.

Sure, it was someone's leg, but now it's just a vessel. I'm pretty sure I've got a leg of a dead war victim lying around this office somewhere. So maybe we should crack open a beer. Let's save it till the end. Enjoy a leggy while we do this podcast. Coming up on the show today, our Royal Correspondent Zoe Norton Lodge takes a look at Prince Harry and Megan Markle's baby name. And all the fascinating ins and outs of the Senate Estimates Committee.

Yeah, you can fast forward that bit. Plus, intern Loughlin reckons he's figured out how to have a fresh take on lockdown no matter how long it runs for in Melbourne. But first of all, let's go to Rebecca Day and Minow in the Chaser Newsroom. Following the birth of Harry and Megan's second child, the couple have faced criticism

for not having a gender reveal party beforehand. However, the couple have defended themselves saying that last week, in honour of Prince Philip, they did have a skin colour reveal party. The same political party that spent the last two years covering up allegations of rape in Parliament House have now demanded immediate action against tweets being liked by staff at the ABC. Speaking in Senate estimates, free speech warriors from the

government called for the urgent firing of anyone at the ABC exercising free speech. The ABC has come under fire for paying the lawyers of Christian Porter $100,000 to resolve a defamation case. But the ABC defended the payment saying that $100,000 is a bargain if it means they never have to talk to Christian Porter ever again. That's the latest news you really shouldn't trust. I'm Rebecca Deunamuno. Today's episode of The Chaser Report brought to you by Oprah. Look under your seats!

Actually, don't do that. You might be driving, and we can't handle that lawsuit. But the story of the day yesterday was, of course, Senate estimates in Canberra. Certainly on Twitter. people were very entertained by estimates, which is not a very common situation when politicians get together to grill public servants. But I did like Charles the ploy to get more viewers of estimates

by doing comedy bits. That's right. Liberal Party senators are trying to look at all the sort of satirical tweets from Australia's best comedians and seeing who at the ABC is liking those tweets and then sort of launching, I suppose, a Spanish Inquisition against those journalists. First cab of the rank for this instigation was The Shovel, run by a friend of the show, James Schleffel,

and Senator James Patterson started reading out one of the shovel's tweets in the Estimates Committee. Mr. Hanson, are you familiar with the news, satirical news website The Shovel? No, I am not. Now, James Schleffel from The Shovel is joining us. James, how do you react? David Anderson, the head of the ABC, doesn't even know, about the shovel, what's going on? Well, who's David Anderson?

That's that all I can say. I think the fuck is you've done. I've never heard of him. I can't believe that he's not up to date on all the latest satire website, Charles. I mean, how do you feel about it? You must be outraged as well. Yeah, well, I'm just outraged that the Jason Wonderson isn't drawn into this battle. This is why...

It's unlike us. We've had a few estimates in our time. What a question, though. I mean, what a question asking about... I love this idea that it's James Patterson, throwing through the likes of other people's Twitter to see who they've liked. I mean, it seems like the government knows more about the shovel tweets

than it does about how many people work in A's care. But I think it's because James Patterson, if you look at his Twitter feed, because I went through and looked at all the likes on his tweets, and there's hardly any of them. The greatest scandal is that James Patterson, is that James Patterson's Twitter feed is incredibly tedious and boring. That's the real scandal here.

But James, did you hear his rendition of your tweet? No, I actually haven't heard it. Oh, can we play it for him? Because I just want to get your critical opinion on whether he massacred your joke. Imagine being the chief law officer and effing up your own defamation case. It'd be a bit like being the health minister and effing up a major vaccine rollout.

Dot, dot, dot, dot, oh, wait. I just had an idea after hearing that. I mean, I think we've got a new A to B program to pitch, which is James Pattinson reading out the shovel's tweet. Yeah, because it was a good performance. It just made you really want to laugh, didn't it? Oh, shit, hilarious. I mean, the guy's a natural.

He's the next John Stewart. Yeah. Okay, well, have a good, I assume you're actually just busy at work, we should probably leave you alone. Yeah, no, right. Yeah, okay. Thanks, James. Thanks, guys.

Today's episode of The Chaser Report brought to you by Ellen DeGeneres, celebrating 10 years of a joyous, harmonious workplace, and nine other years also. Well, it's a very happy day for all patriots with the birth of Prince Harry and Megan Markle's new little baby, Lily, Diana, and who better to tell us more about it than our royal correspondent? We've got a royal correspondent.

We do for today only. Zawian Otton Lodge. Hello, Zoe. Oh, hi, guys. Thank you so much for hiring me with your Royal Correspondent. How many people turned it down? Yeah, it's just you. Yeah.

Yeah, so look, we are all very excited. Lilibet, Diana. Did it put a real spring in your step, dummy, hearing the news? Oh, yeah. I mean, I really like the fact that Queen Elizabeth's inability to pronounce her own name as a child has now been preserved for another generation. I just think that's so sweet. Yeah, and what do you think of the name, Charles?

I think it's a terrible name. Do you think so? Yes, she's going to have to spell her name for the rest of her life because no one will know her name. Oh, wait a minute. I feel like she probably, yeah. Yeah, maybe. One of the most famous babies in the world, we might pull it off.

She'd probably be right. I don't know the back story. So is it because Queen Elizabeth had a speech impairment? I probably should have, yeah, clarified. So when she was little, she couldn't say Elizabeth, which is quite difficult to say for a toddler. So she said, Lilybet. So do you think this is just a really nasty thing that Megan and Harry have done to show up the queen?

I mean, I'm not too sure, Charles, but you do share the view of Conservative Britain. You'll be pleased to know who are really, really angry about this name. So the commentary is that the name is awful, that it's as bad as calling a kid cabbage, that it's terribly disrespectful because it was a private nickname of the queen. And then other people are mad because they think they should have put Diana first. Other people are mad because they think after their recent commentary on the royal family that it's odd to have named a baby after the queen. So, Charles, there's a lot of agreement with your perspective.

Look, to be honest, guys, I actually really like the name. Really? I think it's quite sweet. Yeah, I think it's really sweet. I think Lily Bed is adorable. And I think how beautiful to also name her after Diana. And I think just like to give everyone, especially you, Charles, a little bit of perspective. I just thought I'd revisit one of my favorite articles, which is the best are bogan baby names of the year.

Oh, yeah. This is from KidSpot. These are all names that Australian babies were named in 2020. Okay. Would you rather be called Lilybet? or Corona. No. That is not true.

Is that true? Yep. Well, yeah, okay, Lily Bet. In that case, yes, you're right. Would you rather be called Lilybet or Chloe? Oh, well, I think Chloe's all right. That's a nice name. K-L-O-K-L-O-W.

What? E-E. It sounds like a venereal disease. Yeah. Yeah, look, I, yep, okay, Lilybet does beat that one. Yeah, that's it. Yeah, okay, fair enough. Okay, what about, what about Lilybet or honesty?

Honesty? Honesty as a name. It'd be novel in the royal family to have honesty. Yeah. Before you commit to honesty, I should tell you that it is spelt 8. H-O-N-E-T-Y-H-O-N-E-T-Y. No. Okay.

Jackston, J-A-X-T-Y-Y-D-N. Is this just punching down this whole segment? Are we siding with the royal family and punching down over the comments? No, no, I'm just saying, look, you like some names more than others. That's fine. I'm not saying these are the worst names ever. That's what the article said. I didn't say that.

I'm just saying that I would prefer personally to be called Lilibet over any of the names I've said so far. And that does seem fairly unremarkable. There was another surprising one on the list. Karen. Oh, wow. Yeah, that is bad. But, well, I assume in some sort of attempt to distance from the new associations with the name, this is C-A-R-Y-N. That's not solving the problem.

Who would have known there was a worse variety of Karen than 2020, Karen? Okay, okay. Have I made my point that, like, you know, Lilybet, Diana, how beautiful. So I am quite confident in saying you are the worst royal correspondent we've ever had on this show. Fantastic. Can I go do something else now? Yeah, go away. All right.

See you out. Today's episode of The Chaser Report brought to you by James Corden. We're actually recording this from his car right now. He won't let us out. Now, Charles, we had a problem yesterday, which is that we're running out of fresh angles on the Melbourne lockdown. We had lots of people complaining in a similar way. Sally Warhaft came on and gave us a very new angle.

What was it again? It was the idea that in Melbourne, it'll be the first generation of parents who don't wish they'd spend more time with their kids when they're on their deathbed. That was very funny. But it creates a problem, which is today, we need another new angle

because the lockdown is continuing and ideally we need some sort of system to solve this problem every single day with having something new to say about a drawn out and very upsetting situation. Yes, so luckily I've got Loughlin, one of the interns, working on this problem. Hey Lachlan, can you come in here?

Gonday, boys. Have you come up with a way to give us a fresh angle? Have you got a fresh angle? So Charles, not only have I come up with a fresh angle, I have come up with infinite fresh angles. For the Melbourne lockdown. For the Melbourne lockdown.

So if this goes for another three years, as it probably will. I've given you guys a way to have a hot take every single day of lockdown. This is a big promise and I'm hoping you can deliver it because you might actually get promoted to not quite intern. Well, I've been at the Charles First School of Promising and Delivering. So we'll see how that all goes. What I've done was I found the process that Peter Credlin actually used.

is to write her reports for Sky News. So you've found her formula? Yeah, it's quite a formula to it, in fact. Are you saying she puts thought into her reporting? No, no, no. She just plugs in the little spaces and then it all writes itself. Wow. Wow.

This sounds low effort. So this is how Peter Kredlin writes her Sky News. Undoubtedly. Wow, okay. I can say that with confidence knowing that I've done the same amount of research as Peter Kredlin probably does. Yeah, yeah, okay. All right, let's see what you got.

So what I'll need you guys to do is I've got eight, little blanks. If I could get you guys to just fill them in, I will produce for you a Sky News lockdown report. Oh, okay. Okay. Wow. I just need a number between a thousand and a million. 520,000. Can I also have just the worst human tragedy you've ever? Rowan Dean. Is that going to work? Oh, yeah. Okay. Or do you mean, do you mean like a disaster? No, that'll fit. I'm just thinking of Rowan Dean. Yeah, Rowan Dean is the word. Rowan Dean absolutely fits. I just need a left wing. personality. Is that like Adam Band or something?

No, come on, personality. Celeste Liddell, or whatever, Megda Zabansky or something like that. Magda Sabansky, yeah, there's not bad. I also need a civil rights issue. The right to have a weapon in school. Gun rights, yeah. Gun rights, yeah. The most important rights that there are. Now I just need a Victorian labour politician.

Dictator Dan, surely. Oh, Dictator Dan, really, yeah, he's still in the game. That's quite classy and quite on brand with the guy. He's had a Dan, yep. And then I just need, what's your favourite animal? A panda. A panda, is not. Thank you.

That was a bit of effort, Lachlan. They don't just, you know, phone them in. It's gone yet. They get a lot of effort. We got two more. I just need maybe an Australian celebrity. Darrell Summers? Cancelled.

Oh, no, I'll tell you. What about me? Charles Firth. Are you sure? Are you sure about that? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Lockland, I think we better make it Craig. Prominent Australian celebrity Charles Firth

And then I just need a short, punchy insult. Dick what, doesn't mean? I'll just, I'll plug this into the computer now and we'll produce it. Okay, it's all here. So I present to you an authentic Sky News latest and freshest take on the Melbourne lockdown. You're ready?

Okay. Melbourne has been forced into a lockdown that could well go for over 520,000 days. This forced lockdown is a crime against humanity on par with Rowan Dean. Whilst the lockdown is believed to be COVID, Sky News can reveal that the whole thing is a ruse orchestrated by Magnus Savansky

who intends on using the time and lockdown to spread her agenda on gun rights. Dictator Dan has remained silent on the issue, though we can assume that he's currently hiding in a bunker waterboarding pandas. Naturally, media personality Charles Firth has attempted to make light of the issue on his daily podcast,

though ultimately he just came across as a dick ward. Those were your words. Wait a minute. The last bit's a bit unclear. This is just what the algorithm came out with. This is purely Peter Credlin's lockdown formula. I don't have a problem with the dick what, but media personality Charles Firth.

No, I'm not by that. That's not news. And that's why it's perfect for Sky News. Welcome back sports fans to the 2021 Internet Olympics. We're back here again at Stockland Retirement Village where the conditions are just right for our favourite senior citizens division. Watch as they race to success. successfully connect their Wi-Fi and send an email.

Today we have John, Martha and Dennis racing for a free posthumous cremation. That's right, ladies and gentlemen. Today they are competing for the Ashes. And they're off. Dennis is showing great form as he moves his face, six inches away from the screen and adjusts his glasses. Can he find the Wi-Fi symbol? Dennis is one to watch tonight, excelling in the qualifiers yesterday

where he managed to plug his phone charger in. Meanwhile, Martha is not far behind him. Martha has already managed to figure out how the mouse works. You little beauty! John's going in as the underdog for today's match. He's currently tearing it up in the back, adjusting the height setting on his seat. John, we know you love posture,

but lumbar support is not going to help your back now. Disaster on the field for Dennis, who is full stream ahead already connected to the correct Wi-Fi router, but it looks like old Dennis has hit a roadblock, or should we say, cock block, as he's been hit by a barrage of pop-ups for porn. Don't believe them, Dennis. There aren't any hot singles in your area.

John looks though he's fallen on a hurdle here, folks. He's stuck looking at an email advertisement for Viagra. Looks like John just can't keep up. Oh, no, it looks like Martha has fallen for a fishing scam. She's writing a check now for a Ugandan prince. Careful, Martha. That's a lot of zeros there. Uh-oh.

Martha has just lost a double or nothing on her grandchildren's inheritance. Martha is out for the match. Meanwhile, Dennis is powering on against all odds. The porn pop-ups just do not stop. Looks like we have a cheating scandal occurring right here, folks. John is just trying to call up his son. Wait, he's accidentally left himself a voicemail. Oh, and it's 6.30 and everyone has fallen asleep.

What a riveting match, ladies and gentlemen, join us next week as we spectate middle-aged mothers racing to share memes to Facebook about drinking wine. We'll have you living, laughing and loving all night long. Well, Dom, it's almost time to crack open that leggy, isn't it? I've been just staring at that prosthetic leg in the corner of the studio for the last 20 minutes or so. just thinking when can we just take a swig bottoms up here you go don you can have the first skull like i say feed up oh skull skull skull skull scow scow i feel like i'm defending austral oh look we spilt beer all over the geneva convention yeah it's invalid now it doesn't work see what you did that

more news is available at chaser dot com dot a u leave us a five-star review or take off stars if you think for this old thing with the legs our gear is thanks to road microphones and we part of the ACAS CRADA Network. Catch you tomorrow. See ya.