The Chaser Report - The Sixty Billion Dollar Man

Episode Date: May 28, 2020

With the Prime Minister’s announcement that JobMaker will usher in an era of cooperation between workers and bosses, the team brainstorms ways employers can force their workers to cooperate. Andrew looks at how cringeful celebrities are getting their faces out there during the pandemic. Dom makes you feel better about not being able to travel overseas by looking at a tourist destination that’s even worse than the Gold Coast. Plus the latest news from the world’s most trusted newsreader, Rebecca De Unamuno. 
 See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In times like these, it's important to know who you can trust. At last, a new source that's reliably reliable, informatively informational and never wrong. Unfortunately, you're not listening to it. Instead, you're listening to the Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to the show. I'm Charles Firth. And with me today are Andrew Hansen and Dom Knight. Big story of the week, of course. the work choices scheme introduced by Scott Morris, sorry, I mean, the job maker scheme

introduced by Scott Morrison, totally different to work choices, of course. We'll talk more about that later. But before that, Josh Frydenberg has been in hot water this week after he made a $60 billion calculation error on the JobKeeper scheme. That's $60 billion left over that he miscalculated. Andrew, what are you going to spend your $60 billion on? Because we've got this extra $60 billion. I'm excited about it.

I can't, yeah, it's great that we're all getting an extra $60 billion in the account, isn't it, Charles? Look, I mean, I was thinking of really, you know, maybe splashing out and going for the mainland tasty cheese instead of the beaker. That might be one that I pop into my trolley this week. That's very impressive. I'm going to use mine on an economy class flight to Melbourne. That's actually what it costs now on the Qantas website, $60 billion.

Yeah, look, I think I might even go, I'm going to be very much in Andrew's sort of section of the Coles, which is LurPack. I'm going to LurPack. Oh, Charles. Danish. I think you might need 70 or 80 billion if you're going to go up to the LurPack, aren't you, I probably can't afford it. I've only got 60 billion.

No, yeah, don't spend it all at once. You can probably go for like two packets of the Devondale, and then you go twice as long. Yeah, that's good. And they're 500 grams as well. Yeah. I do feel bad for Josh, though, because, I mean, I recently on a tax return, my total was out by $60, right? So his error is only one billion times worse than that.

Yeah, there's nothing at all. It's just a rounding error. Yeah. Just a billion times. Coming up with COVID putting international travel on hold, Dom is going to make you feel better by looking at a whole lot of tourist destinations that you wouldn't want to go to anyway. And Andrew has a look at how cringy celebrities are getting themselves. out there during the pandemic.

But first, let's head over to Rebecca Dayuna Muno for the latest Chaser News headlines. A homeless man has joined the BRW Rich List after Josh Frydenberg spared him some change. Mr Frydenberg said he had been trying to buy the homeless man a sandwich by giving the man $60 billion, but was later informed by colleagues that he had massively overestimated the cost of a sandwich. The lab in Wuhan that has been accused of concocting the corona, has asked the Daily Telegraph for tips on how to concox something so viral that it spreads despite being completely man-made.

It comes after the Sydney newspaper claimed a dossier proved that the Wuhan lab created a man-made version of the coronavirus, even though it didn't. A spokesperson for the lab said that if you want to find an institution that concocks and then spreads harmful man-made things virally across the globe, News Corp are the ones to talk to. With lockdown restrictions easing across Australia, Dethole has urgently repurposed its hand sanitizer factory to produce white-label gin. A spokesperson said the new Detol gin was as rough as assholes but would do the job.

Detol also said it would be making vodka cruisers, which simply requires adding water and food colouring to the hand sanitizer. Twitter announced on Wednesday it was employing someone to fact-check all of Donald Trump's tweets. This morning, the company said the fact-checker had died of exhaustion. That's the Chaser Report headlines, news you can't trust. Thanks, Beck. Hey, Beck, from Monday, you can have parties of up to 50 people.

Did you see that? Yeah, I know, it's great. I'm holding a big party with all my friends. Oh, um, am I invited? Oh, no, sorry, it's just a small party. Oh, I mean, that's fine. Hey, Beck, see you there. Look, it sounds like a lot of fun.

Yeah, see you there. Can't wait to see you again, Dom. Oh. The Chaser Report. News a few days after it happens. So the big news of the week is Scott Morrison came out and he announced a new scheme. Now, we've had job seeker, we've had job keeper. But this week, it was totally different, completely new thing.

It's the job maker scheme. Guys, what did you think? Well, being a maker's very cool. Does that mean that they're paying people to sit in labs and like tinker with cardboard and stuff and build a little robots? Well, not quite. The idea is it's going to be about getting people back to work because everyone's unemployed. And the way they're going to do that, this is their pitch, is that they're going to bring workers and employers together and everyone's got to put down their weapons, right, and just have a measured discussion, you know, stop the old combative approach was what Scott Morrison told everyone. And just in announcing that, he actually went on ABC Radio.

Let's just see how he sounded when he was explaining this to a journalist on the ABC on Wednesday. We've got to put down the weapons. I mean, we've got to get a better environment in which people can have these sensible discussions. We've got to give people the room to actually work through this. We haven't made progress in this area for, you know, 20 years. Sure, but the initial intentions of things like enterprise bargaining. This is what I'm telling you I've learned, Fabra. These are the things we've learnt that the, the,

combative approach where everyone stays in their grooves and does the same thing they've always done around these issues. We've got to give this a go and that means we've got to do things differently. See, he's totally different. He's taking a non-combatant. Did he hear how non-combative he sounded? It sounds like he'd be very open to a two-way conversation, doesn't he? I can imagine you'd really get a word in edgeways there, would you? Well, the great news though is that Matt journalist has now been made redundant because of the budget cuts to ABC. So it's It's all fine. That's all right.

She can go on Jobmaker or JobKeeper or job or some one of the other job things. Jobdreamer. Job fucker. So, I mean, clearly Jobmaker is just going to fuck workers. Like, clearly that's the government agenda. I don't think it's any controversy. I think they would even agree with that. Because it happens every 15 years, doesn't it?

The Libs say they want to listen to the unions and workers. And then they turn around and fuck them, right? So, but luckily, luckily, the person in charge of the union, movement this time is a woman called Sally McManus. She's the head of the unions, and I'm sure she won't fall for that old trick. We want to listen to what the employers have to say and what the government has to say, knowing that they'll listen to us as well. Oh, no! Oh, no, she's fallen for it.

Knowing that. Oh, my goodness. So anyway, so job maker's all about cooperation. That's the idea. And so it's where the employers, have all the power to make employees cooperate with whatever they want. That's the idea of cooperation, right? So everything's on the table.

You know, we're in this spirit of weapons down. Guys, what are some ways you'd like to see where we can bring into the jobmaker scheme to make workers cooperate more with the boss? A thumb screws allowed? Yes, definitely. Yes, I think they're back on. They're not weapons.

They're more fun devices. Hmm. Kind of AIDS. It's tools, I'd see them as Domney, I reckon. Look, I think there's something in the medieval approach, isn't there? You know, perhaps a sort of serfdom type of thing. Maybe employers should start living in castles and just have their workers sort of live around them on a farm type situation.

They could just feed off the grass that grows around. I was thinking we could even go back further in time and bring back crucifixion. Well, that's an incentive, isn't it? I mean, you know, maybe if you don't clock on, then you might be strung, nailed up to a cross. Wait a minute, you're five minutes late, right? On to the crucifix. You guys are being very skeptical about the government's efforts here. And look, some of the other people I work for, I've been cooperating with them recently.

And what they've been doing is not giving me any work and not telling me when I'll next have work. And I feel like we're really working together to make me feel incredibly insecure and weak and desperate. And I think it's a great partnership. It's like many relationships I've had, actually. Yeah. It does strike me as just your normal self, Donnie. I mean, that's keeping you insecure and weak.

That is, don't know. It's personality keeper. That's my personal brand. I mean, one thing I would say is, you know, like torture is actually outlawed under the Human Rights Convention. So some of these ideas. Well, we need to discuss this with our weapons down, don't we? Yeah.

But one of the things that the US government found officially, the Supreme Court, actually said that waterboarding is not torture. So actually, that could be a way through if you want to discipline your employees. Well, wet and wild sitting there unused. That's right. You can have a waterboard slide.

I mean, cafes, that's somewhere that they could use their Voss bottled water, put it to good use. Yes, they could. Yes, imported Norwegian waterboarding. Make sure that the wait staff are there 24 hours a day. Yeah, just 1.5 metres away with what are the large bottles? I can see this working.

One of the other things that employers have said that they want to get out of this is flexibility, right? That's a new one. Because the whole thing is, you know, you turn up for work and suddenly there's nothing on, but you still get paid for that whole hour. So what I'd like to see is, you know, you turn up to work, but only the moments. where you're actually working, you get paid, right?

So every time you take a breath, right? That's not working. That's on your own coin, right? Walking across the room, like if you're a barista, you know, and you're working at the coffee machine, if you have to walk across then to make a sandwich, that walking time, that should go unpaid. Exactly.

I mean, blinking. If you think about it, that's your need. That's not the employer's need. Can't do that on company time. You should be rostered on for blink breaks, I think there should be a specified time of day during which you could do all your blinks, get them over and done with in five minutes,

and then you don't need to spend the rest of the day blinking. Yes, that's the sort of flexibility that this, you know, Australian needs to get people back into work. I mean, thinking from the employer's perspective and working together on this, what they need is to replace all of us with robots. Yes. Oh, hello.

Now you're talking. Now you're talking. And not just any old robots. It's a really, really productive ones from the old TV shows. Talking canine, the robot dog from Doctor Who, I think. Yeah, we're replacing Charles actually anchoring the podcast next week. We're going to have Dexter from Perfect Match, who I think he probably do a better job.

Well, I don't think he ums and ours as much. The Chaser Report, now with Extra Whispers. Domi and Charles, it's that time again when we're going to dive into the wonderful heartwarming world of celebrity isolation videos. Let's find out what advice, The famous people are doling out for us. You know, they're going to lift our spirits.

And this is the segment that we like to call, Isol Liberty. Now, the game works like this. I'm going to play you some Celebrity ISO videos, and you're going to guess who the famous person is, just by listening to the sound of their voice. Let's kick off, shall we, with an actor. This guy's known for sci-fi shows.

There's a bit of a clue for you. Also known for a spot of ISO Shakespeare. listen. Sonnet 2, and this is one of my favourites. When 40 winters shall besiege thy brow and dig deep trenches in thy beaute's field. Thy youth's proud livery so gazed on now will be a tattered weed, a small whirr fell. Isn't it lovely to hear a poem about the inevitable approach of death at this particular time? Um, Dom, do you want to hazard, I guess, who the actor is? Oh, I think that's Sir Ian McKellen, uh, Gandalf himself.

Is that true? No, no, I'm afraid not, Domney. Oh, you're incorrect. Not Ian McKellen, uh, reading you. Charles. I, I know who it is. I can't remember that his name, but he's... Well, then you don't know who it is.

The bald guy on Star Trek. Oh, look, that will do. Look, I mean, that's enough information. Patrick Stewart. Yeah, there you go. Dommy's got it. I'll give it to Dom. McKellon's best mate.

Exactly. I was close. You were pretty close. You were in the friendship zone. Why did he do a Shakespeare? Did he find all the other celebrity videos too pretentious? And so he wanted to sort of talk to the common man, I think, Charles. You probably watched Miley Cyrus as one the other day and thought,

oh, look, this is too highbrow. We need to talk to the people. I mean, imagine having that voice and being able to walk around town going like, I should like a flat white, please, with some cookies on the side. It'd be wonderful, wouldn't it? Yeah, it'd be great. No, well, what he's doing, Patrick Stewart, Star of Star Trek, is he's posting a sonnet every single day,

I guess, to try and, you know, cheer us up, of course, and perhaps, you know, because we all miss going to see Shakespeare plays so much. I mean, don't we? We just can't wait. First thing after lockdown, it's like Shakespeare. Yeah, we're going to rush to a production of the Merchant of Venice. Oh, isn't that going to be good? I actually, I checked in again, I mean, that was only number two.

That was the start of his series. I checked in again the other day, hoping that the new one, sonnet number 60, would be a bit more cheerful, you know, and not be about how we're all dying. Well, this is how this one starts. Like as the waves make towards the pebbled shore, so do our minutes hasten to their end. He's still at it. He's telling us we're all going to die. Maybe he's just trying to do an informational bullet.

Maybe it's just like COVID update. The weather today will be stormy. But it's funny too because hearing his voice now more clearly, I'm just thinking of Professor X. Like I'm just hearing him kind of going, Magneto is very crafty, very crafty. Well, at least that would cheer us up a bit if it was Professor X. Look, Patrick Stewart.

Well done, Donnie. Let's turn to another Hollywood star. Now, this is a guy who has worked with everyone. Here he is explaining the reasons why you need to stay at home. Have a listen to his voice, see if you can guess which Hollywood star this is, explaining why you should stay home. Because the contact that you make with someone who makes contact with someone else, that may be what makes somebody's mom or grandpa or wife sick.

every one of us has someone who is worth staying home for and I am staying home Charles who do you think a Hollywood star would stay home for well surely it's himself I am staying home for myself to protect myself from you plebs I was more along the lines of you know

my agent the academy God the American dream God yeah it'd be God Boys, God. Great guesses. Well, let's reveal who this star is staying home for. And I am staying home for Kira Sedgwick. Guys, does Kira Sedgwick give you any clue as to who this actor might be?

I can't remember who she is. I don't know she's an actress, but I can't remember what she's. Maybe she's a high-class drug dealer now in Hollywood. Maybe she's not getting acting roles. Well, you would stay home, just waiting for her to come over and deliver a big slap. I know this voice, but I can't remember his name again. His name's James something. He does that movie with Seth Rogen at the end of the world.

It's not James Franco, is it? James Franco, that's his name. Is that his name? Incorrect. But Charles, let's listen to the introduction to this isolation video. And if you cannot guess who it is after this, then you should be isolated for stupidity. Hi, folks, you know me, right? I'm technically only six degrees away from you.

Oh, God. Oh, Kevin Bacon. Yeah, it was the Kevin Bacon. He's really a lends into that, hasn't he? Yeah, that's right. He's made it his thing in isolation. Kevin Bacon. He would be the worst person to have COVID

because he would give it to everyone in Hollywood. He's a super spreader. Yeah, he's a super spreader. Everyone's within six degrees of him. The Chaser Report. Less news, less often. We're lucky to have the government's JobKeeper scheme on board as our sponsor this week. Oh, we as certainly are.

Turns out they had an extra 60 billion bucks to spend, so their government's wisely decided to put all of that cash towards funding this podcast. And that's why we say JobKeeper is a great scheme just the way it is. No, no, not at all. I mean, look, you know, okay, a 60 billion stuff up may sound. big. But it's chicken feed compared to some of the other stuff-ups that they haven't told you about. Yeah, and look, they wanted me to mention, I'll just check my notes, that Josh Frydenberg is a great treasurer and very good at counting. Oh, yes. Yes, definitely. The JobKeeper scheme. It's

completely fine. Certainly worked out well for us. The Chaser Report, news a few days after it happens. Now, Charles and Andrew, because of COVID-19, of course, we cannot travel at the moment. If you look at smart traveler, every single country, it says do not visit. It's very, very sad because I love traveling, but I want to make us feel a bit better about it being stuck at home here in Australia by showcasing some of the worst places in the world that will make us feel happy to be stuck here. Bottom of the bucket list. Today we are heading to Tajikistan in Central Asia.

Let's have some Tajik folk music to set the scene, shall we? Of course, this is a land. Locked country, part of the traditional Silk Road, lots of fascinating history from that era, and a much less interesting present. And we're going to start in the capital, whose name I'm sure you recall, Charles and Andrew. Well, of course, it's one of my favourite haunts. I can't wait to get back there, don't. No, I've never even heard of Tajikistan, let alone the capital city. Look, this answer is too obscure, even for pub trivia.

I've never heard of this city before in my life. Is it something like Tajik City or something? Oh, good guess. Yeah, I used to actually host a trivia quiz on the radio, and this one was way too hard to put in it. It's Dishanba. Oh, yeah. So before we head to Dishanba, guys,

I just want a bit of a safety briefing of what you'll get in Tajikistan. Now, the capital has very little street lighting and lots of uncovered manholes, so break a leg does not mean good luck in Tajikistan. It's just like it happens all the time. There are frequent random terrorist attacks throughout much of the country. Don't worry, it doesn't happen every day, but when it does, it always targets tourist areas. So that's a thing.

There are also lots of unexploded mines at every border region. Now, pickpocketing is common in Dishanbae. And when you arrive at the airport and depart from the airport, immigration staff often shake you down for thousands of dollars before letting you enter or exit. Just one more thing. Don't drink the water. It contains both rust and typhoid.

Are you excited, guys? Rust and type. Why has it got rust? Is that because the only out manholes? or uncovered. I think so. Rusty in there. But look, it's all worth it

for the sites of Dishanbe. For instance, the famous Victory Park, which has an iconic team room that seems to only sell beer. And when you visit Victory Park, you can contemplate how nice it must have been if the cable car worked, it's been broken since Soviet times.

I know you guys are both writers, you're literary fellows. There's the wall of great Tajik writers. There's 11 of them on the wall. statues and I've only heard of one of them. That's more than Australia, Dom. That's better than our arts department here. Shitting on Tajikistan, but we don't have a living

writers. No. I don't think you would have heard of any of them I hadn't, but the only one I've heard of is Omar Kayam. He wrote the Rubai Art of Omar Kayam in 1,100. Things have been quiet for the past thousand odd years in Tajikistan. They're too busy in the tea room, drinking all the beer. They don't have time to drink. to ride.

You might also like to head to the world's second tallest flagpole. It's 165 metres high, which is, of course, far too high to actually see the flag. And they're really sad when Jedder in Saudi Arabia, it won 70 a couple of years ago. They've also got the largest Lennon statue in the whole of Central Asia, 24 meters high, but they've dumped it in a cow paddock because they don't like him anymore. So that's the capital. Wow. So he's in the paddock now, Lenin.

Yep. Yeah, he's been retired there. But you can still go and visit him. People do. They go to the paddock and take photos of Lenin with the cows around him. Fantastic. So you would say that the best tourist attraction for Tajikistan is a cow paddock. Oh, Charles.

Charles, it's good, but it gets a lot better than that. There's the famous Sares Lake. Did you know that Tajikistan has the world's largest lake? This is not a thing I knew because I had not heard of Tajikistan. Yes. Look, it is extraordinary, very beautiful. and remember the name Saras Lake. It was created by an earthquake flooding a valley in 1911.

The volume is 16 cubic kilometers, and it looks absolutely stunning. The only thing is, it's located in one of the world's most earthquake-prone regions. If the damn war were to be destroyed in an earthquake, the entire country would be flooded, as well as the neighbouring countries of Afghanistan, Uzbekistan, and Turkmenistan. So, you know, high stakes when you visit that lake, I think. Well, you know, it's an exciting, it's a bit of a white knuckle. Who doesn't like a bit of risk on a holiday, though, Tommy? But look, if you guys are after a bit of risk in your travel,

I've got just the attraction for you finally. It's known as the Anzob Tunnel. And it is an absolute marvel. It costs $4 billion to build. It is five kilometres long. It goes under a mountain, and it links to the north and the south of the country. Look, it's had a few image problems.

It's known as the Tunnel of Death at the moment. Well, they probably should have thought of a better name for a start. You want commuters to use the tunnel. That's the thing. It is the only way you can get between the two largest cities in Tajikistan, which are, of course, Dushanbei and Kujan, without going into Uzbekistan. There was one dirt road that had avalanches a year round.

Or you could go through Uzbekistan, who would tend to attack you if you went on the road. So they built the tunnel. Right. And they built a tunnel in a high earthquake zone. That's true, but there are a few issues. Now, it was finished in 2006. For the first decade of operation,

there were no lights whatsoever in the tunnel for five kilometres. Now there are tiny lights. I've seen videos every 50 metres or so. And look, that doesn't matter. You can use your car headlights, except that there are lots of massive potholes all the way through the tunnel, several of them big enough to snap your axle.

So that's kind of like the manhole cover approach, but in a tunnel. Another thing, there's also water that floods through the walls of the tunnel, which turns the potholes into what one motorist described as invisible death traps. So it's like driving through lakes. Are they invisible as well? So you just have to literally risk driving. Yeah, because there's no light. You can't see them coming up. And is this for your morning commute? Is this like literally you do this every day?

It's the main. So if you think of the Woolies of Tajikistan, semi-trailers go through this regularly. There are just a few more issues. Ventilation, for instance. It's five kilometres long. They've put one fan in. So there's incredibly thick clads of smog and people die of carbon monoxide poisoning regularly inside. That's why it's called the tunnel of death. It's not an exaggeration. So you may literally not make it through. You might because, well, you've got to close the vent in your car, don't you? I mean, that's the thing. You've got to remember. You've got to use recirculate.

Yeah, exactly. That's right. And they'll be fine. And there are also. falling rocks inside the tunnel. How? How? It's a tunnel. Where do they fall from? It's earthquake prone. It's because of all the avalanches. They come inside the tunnel as well. But the great thing is the Tajik authorities have found a really good way around this, which is that if you want to use the tunnel, you have to sign a waiver. Is it at the entrance? Do you just pull over the entrance to the tunnel and then sign your life away? I think you pull up. over when you see the sign saying tunnel of death ahead.

Look, I'm being a bit unfair. They have spent a lot of time repairing it in recent years. That means that one half of the tunnel is usually closed. So both directions go through the one lane at very, very high speeds. So it is apparently getting better. It's getting better as we go on. But the major problem still remains, which is if you survive the tunnel of death and get out, you're still into Chickasthan.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, This is The Chase of Report. This show is sponsored by the JobKeeper scheme. One of the great things about the JobKeeper scheme is that it's based on the promise that no Australian should lose their job. That is right, Charles. Josh Frydenberg said it himself. No Australian should lose their job. That's right, dummy.

Even if they've made a $60 billion mistake at work, they should get to keep their job. Under the JobKeeper scheme, now you can be as incompetent as Josh Frydenberg and you still get to keep your job, just like he did. None of the medical advice contained in The Chaser Report should legally be considered medical advice. The Chaser Report. That's the end of the show. Although actually, we've got breaking news from Rebecca Day and Emuno.

The Labour Party has bolstered its election hopes by recruiting Stephen Bradbury as its new leader. Deposed opposition leader Anthony Albanese said that he had planned to oppose the move, but when it came time to do so, he realised that he had no idea how to oppose anything at all. Back to you. Thanks, Beck. Now, check us out online at chaser.com.com.

You find us on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram, and even TikTok, where we're at chaser.com. Search for the chaser report. And remember to hit subscribe. We're doing a couple of midweek update episodes each week on Mondays and Wednesdays now. Thanks to our producer, Mike Liberal Ali. And anyway, we're going to leave you with an ad for a great new service. I don't know whether you saw guys, but Dominic Cummings during the week got into a bit of strife. He's the sort of second most powerful man in Britain.

He's on with the ideas. Chief of Star, yeah. He got into trouble because Britain's under a really serious lockdown, but he decided to get in the car and drive 800 kilometres to find somebody, while he had COVID, to find somebody to do some babysitting for him, which, you know, was sort of pretty bad. I didn't even think you could drive 800 kilometres in the UK. I thought you'd be in, just tiny, in the water.

I think he drove 400 kilometres there and then 400 kilometres back. But then he was caught out, actually. He also had taken another 60 kilometre drive to a castle. And he said, oh, no, I didn't go to the castle just for tourism, you know, to see it. I was just testing my eyesight. That's the reason I went for the drive, which has led to a really great new service. Are you worried about your eyesight? Well, yes, yes, I am as a matter of fact. But you can't be bothered going to an optometrist? Yes, yes, that's me. You need the Dominic Cummings eyesight test. Oh, what's that? The Dominic Cummings eyesight test is an easy,

do-it-yourself diagnostic test to work out whether you can see properly without having to seek professional advice. Well, that sounds splendid. Simply hop in your car, drive 60 miles, and you'll soon find out whether you can see properly. Right, well, I'm going to do the test now. What does that road sign say? Oh, perhaps it's an eye chart. Uh, S-T-O, I can't quite read the last letter. Ah, it must have been P. The Dominic Cummings eyesight test. It truly is a viral sensation. Uh, did I pass?