The Chaser Report - The Spirit of (Sucking At) Cricket

Episode Date: July 3, 2023

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The Chaser Report is recorded on Gadigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report with Dom and Charles. Cheat! Dom, this is, I mean, what is going on? Look, what you did is just... It was within the laws, I accept that it was permissible, I accept that it was fair, but it wasn't in the spirit.

It was not in the spirit for you to challenge my position as co-house. and to try and dismiss me from the podcast like you did today. I realised that you probably could if you wanted to, but it's not in the spirit of this podcast for me to be dismissed because I do something really stupid. The whole podcast is me trying to dismiss you. That is literally, that there's the whole game that this podcast is for me. I won't be dismissed, not by you, not by anybody,

and certainly not by the laws of cricket. The laws, yeah, okay, I read the laws, I'm in the wrong. But the spirit, Charles, the spirit of what you're doing. doing is wrong. You should be ashamed of yourself and not having a beer with you? Should we catch people up with where we're at? Oh, if they don't know this story,

they'll probably have even even had the sandpaper. You're right. I will catch you up after this. Thank you for your patience. Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore? FIS is 100% online so you can make the switch in minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month.

Certain conditions apply. Details at fizz.ca Okay, so for people a little bit confused. If you're listening back in months' time, we're talking about the second test of the ashes when Alex Carey, the Australian wicketkeeper, stumped. Johnny Berto, the English wicketkeeper.

And everyone in England got outraged about it because they didn't think that wicketkeepers should be in the business of getting people out, which I completely understand because Johnny Beirstow is the wicketkeeper for England and he never gets anyone out. So I can see why they would be confused that an English, that a wicketkeeper would try and get somebody out.

Yeah, look, it was confusing. I think that's what made all those old rich so-and-sos in their 80s in their yellow and red ties at lords, the egg and bacon ties. Angry is that they hadn't seen a wicketkeeper get somebody out It was an entirely new Since last time Australia toured I think

And poor old Johnny Besto Tried the same thing On Manus Labashane Earlier in the test He tried to throw down the stumps And get him out But it didn't work No

So when Bester He massively missed the stumps Yeah Which was within the spirit of the game Yeah It's in the spirit of cricket To be crap Yeah I think that that's

England's main point Is that You know You can't win Because that's not in the spirit of the game Because we made of the game And we never win

It's also worth noting, Charles, that when the current coach of England, Baz, the author of Baz Ball, Brendan McCollum, when he, as the former wicketkeeper for New Zealand, did the exact same thing in a game and threw down the stumps and caught someone out of their crease. That was within the spirit of the game. Yes, yes, because... Because he wasn't an Australian at the time. So I have... And you know, the Australian, same old Oz, he's always cheating, that's why I say. So I've got a bit of a controversial proposal for you about what to do about this. Have you done some investigating on the internet, like with the submarine?

Well, the thing is, so you know Henry Nailer, noted British comedian. Friend of the show. Friend of the show. He wrote for, you know, not 9 o'clock news and all those wonderful series. And was on my favourite show when I was 16, press gang. If you don't know, Henry, he's the crazy stuff guy. That's all you need to know. But he also used to be the captain of the Barmy Army for a while.

Did he? Yes. And really? So this morning, he texts me about 100 million British tabloids front covers. And he said, this stumping is basically bigger than Diana, the death of Diana. Wow. But it is. And I responded by saying, well, it's certainly a bigger car crash for England.

Like this test series is a bigger car crash for England than Dina. And look, I think that there's already controversial sort of conspiracy theories. about, about what's happening here, which is apparently Prince Philip was behind this whole stumping. Oh, I see. Look, if only Henri Paul had missed in that Paris tunnel, that things would have been very different. Well, apparently, there was a little, what was it, a Ford?

What was it, a Ford Tesla or something? No, what were they called Telstar? What was the Ford, or Citron? What was the little Ford car that, the white Ford? Oh, that was in giving chase. Yeah, that nudged Alex Carey's glove and then was never seen again. But it was driven by a member of the senior palace stuff. We all know that.

Anyway, so the point is, he said England is essentially now at war. And I think that we need to acknowledge that. I think we need to go to war with England over this. And I mean, literally a war. I don't know whether you remember, but in 1969, how old were you in 19? $169, probably 20 or 30. Minus 8. Honduras and El Salvador went to war in the famous soccer wars, remember?

Which was over the result of a soccer match. So they were having sort of qualifiers for the World Cup, the 1970 World Cup, and they'd played two series. It was the third qualifier, and El Salvador won 3-2 in a nail-biting finish in the 11th minute. And then thereafter, they went to war. for 100 hours, about 3,000 Honduras and El Salvador literally were enemies for about three decades after that. I think we need to do the same with England. We need to go to war.

We need to declare war on England and kill lots of English people. I mean, the point is that we'll win. This is the thing that England keeps doing. Yes. Is England keeps thinking that it's to have its former reminences and it's military power. And what happens is that they'll just lose. You know, they thought they'd show Europe by walking out of the European Union,

thereby completely, you know, smashing their economy into the wall of a tunnel. Yes. If they fought the Falklands War today, they would lose and they've lost to Australia. And if you don't, if you recall Charles, you don't mind me saying so, the ashes themselves, the reason why those bales were set on fire

and put in an urn was because English Sox couldn't cope with losing to a better team from Australia. Yes, exactly. contest hails from them being whiny little shits. Yes. Which is what English people are. I'm English, right? I know this.

It's a nation of whiny little shits. Perhaps in the 1700s, though, good at sailing. Now, it's whiny little shits, and that's all. I wouldn't admit to being English, Dom, though, because we will have to intern you for the duration of this war. No, but nobody hates, nobody hates the English more than someone who is Australian and has English ancestors. Yes.

Because we know, we know what we've left behind. I mean, Charles, I was beaten up. This is true. In 1996, when Australia won the World Cup, I think it was 986 or 97, I was at school in London. I was beaten up for being Australian because we won the World Cup and beat England. You know what? It was worth it. It was totally worth it.

You know what our magic weapon, Dom, against the English is in this impending war? What's our magic weapon? Because I've got some ideas. The orcus submarines. Oh, my goodness. Because that's our secret weapon, right? Because they're going to be nuclear power. They're going to be built by.

The British. Don't we need something that is going to exist? My theory is, there's a couple of things, a couple of weapons we could use against England off the top of my head. The first one, clearly, Megan Markle, if you just sent her at the vanguard of the Australian invasion, everyone in the UK would lose their minds so utterly at this woman of colour daring to in any way criticize the royal family.

They would immediately stop what they were doing and go to troll her on social media, all 60 million Brits would all jump on social media and watch Piz Morgan or something. And we could just take London in a moment. The other weapon we could use, this would be a bit harder to deploy if Megan's not available, is the sun.

Because if there's one, not the newspaper, the actual sun. If there's one thing that the English cannot deal with, it is any sun. And basically, you'd have, if we sent the sun out one day before, or just left it for the first sunny day, the entire nation would have sunburn and be unable to fight. And also, every English,

English person always strips down to their underwear the moment the sun comes out. That's right. So they'd be undefended. That's right. They wouldn't have arms. They wouldn't have clothes. We could just, again, sweep through and take London. I love it.

So just we need a big blowing machine to get rid of the clouds. Yes. Over England. Yeah, or so maybe some sort of artificial sun could be a good thing. Well, I mean... Or Rupert Murdoch. I mean, if Rupert Murdoch is willing to help, he's done so much to undermine the very fabric of British society.

Well, why don't we use what we've already got over? there, which is the Australian cricket team are full of blowhard. So maybe they could just, they could just blow the clouds away. Because this is the thing. This is the slight sort of cheat, right? This is just the slight wrinkle in the whole controversy, right? Which is they have accused Australia of being cheats, right? Yes, they have.

In this specific incident, they're not cheats, right? They didn't break any rules. They didn't break the laws of cricket. Yeah, they didn't. But you wouldn't say that the Australian cricket team are not cheats. Like, that is not a sentence one can construct without cheating. Yeah. You know, I mean, the Australian cricket team are not known for cheating.

It's not really a sentence you can say without also lying. Cheating. Yes. Without, without doing the wrong thing. Yeah, without going against the spirit. of truth of speaking the spirit of speaking

yeah I mean I just think they knew what they were dealing particularly for a wicked keeper to be so stupid is the most entertaining thing this is a guy who's job it is

to throw the stumps down when everyone's not in their crease now admittedly he was clearly walking off because he thought it was over yes like he clearly thought it was a dead ball and to me

it doesn't matter whether or not he knew or not it was going on because if it was unfair to me it makes it better. Yes.

To me, it's more agony for England if it was completely unfair. I just don't think, I just don't think it's possible to do the wrong thing against England. I mean, as a country, morally speaking, they have absolutely nothing, right? Like, they have no moral high ground whatsoever. These are the colonizers, right? They have nothing, they haven't got a leg to stand on. I think you're saying that they didn't steal from some indigenous person.

Sorry, no, look, I'm just, this is exactly where I'm going, on, which I think you've said something very interesting here, which is, I wonder whether this is the way that the voice campaign, you know, the yes campaign for the voice, can win, which is to refocus and reframe the whole voice thing as being something that will piss off English people. Yes. Because if that, and indeed the Republic, that is something that could unite a nation around that. You could have yes, and you could have the Republic.

I'm sure. Yes. If you just get Alex Carey to spearhead the thing in Pat Cummins, it would be an easy and easy sell at this point, the Republic. Yes. It would be like, you know, it would be like rubbing the whole referendum over the voice with yellow sandpaper. With sandpaper?

Yeah, that's right. Absolutely. We're basically, what we're doing is we're looking at the Australian flag and we're looking at the top corner of it and sandpapering the thing off. Yes. Exactly. Thank you for your patience. Your call is important.

Can't take being on hold anymore? FIS is 100% online, so you can make the switch in minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply. Details at FIS.ca. The Chaser Report, news you can't trust. The thing about it, and the reason why the English should really shut the fuck up about this. And there are so many reasons.

The history, their own legacy of cheating is that they only got within it, within a, you know, 40 runs or whatever it was, of winning this test, because Ben Stokes cracked the shits. Now, he is magnificent. There is no one better at just getting tushy and losing it than Ben Stokes. He was fantastic, right? That was one of the best things I've ever watched. I actually started up watching the whole thing.

It was electric. It was absolutely brilliant. But he would have gotten out for 40 or something, but for how angry he was. Yes. So I think rightfully, the runs that he scored, Australia should get. I agree, yes. They are Australian runs that Stokes scored there. We earned them. We earned them.

I'm missing him off so much. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. No, I totally, I'm with you. I think, in fact, what we should do next time round is we should play with absolute fairness so that we beat them even more because no one cracks the shit. With that?

Oh, Ben Stokes said at the end, I wouldn't want to win a test like that. And, well, Ben, we'll take them in there. It wasn't an option, mate. You didn't have an option of winning either of the first two tests in the series against the running world champions. While we're on this, Charles, I must say, in all the years we've been doing the Chaser, and it's nearly 25 years since we started this thing, I don't think there has ever been a place more worthy of a stunt

than the long room at Lords, which must be the most extraordinary epicenter of our, holery other than the Republican National Convention in the States or all the property in our in our a if you want an example of a why the class system is bullshit and B why England is a shadow of its former self you know why the UK is basically in decline the fact that those dipshits still are able to live like that in 2023 and haven't been violently overthrown by some angry mob yes says a lot about England oh absolutely I mean the thing that amazes me is how can

those people inbreed for so long and still be alive. The fact is they've had to import, I mean, Ben Stokes is from New Zealand. He has Maori, some Maori heritage, right? Kevin Peterson, probably their best batsman of the past couple of decades, are certainly one of the best, from South Africa. They've had to import their players in recent times. Yes. And for all that they hate foreigners, and they do, I live there,

even though I'm English, I was hated as a foreigner in the 80s. Oh, yeah, it did. They've had to import them to win at all. But I'm sure, Dom, it wasn't just because you... Because of me, yeah. It's hard to know. It's hard to know. I do think in all fairness...

I wouldn't generalise just off people hating you. In all fairness, it is true that it was probably just the latest pretext to punch me. There were a lot of them. There were a lot of them. Nothing to do with sport. Yeah, yeah. So anyway, the point of the point is I really hate the English. In fact, it's part of my general self-loathing, given my heritage.

And frankly, I'm glad. I'm glad that we cheated a bit. Weren't in the spirit of the game because it makes it all the sweeter. I just hope this doesn't fuel England to winning the third test in the series. If the spirit of the game is that a bunch of inbred Ponzi people win, then that's not a good spirit. You should break the rules. We are the Rosa Parks of cricket.

There's an argument to try it back. Certainly the moment. where you had all these old white guys trying to punch a very, very chilled Muslim-Muslim guy and Muslim Khawajah. That was not a beautiful moment. And as has been pointed out in the same week that a scathing report about diversity in English cricket came out

saying that it's basically the last bastion of... I mean, the point where the Tory party is full of people of colour. And the long room at Lords are still absolutely as white as, I don't know, this podcast. It's just... What are we going to do? They're just doomed. I mean, the thing is, it's just all doomed. It's just all going to fall over.

Yeah, well, that's what Brexit's all about, isn't it? It's just like the last gasps of self-inflicted wounds. It's a wonderful fate, isn't it, when you think about it, to invent at least three, probably more, three of the world's most popular sports. In fact, probably, because they get soccer, football, they get rugby, both codes of rugby, they get cricket. I think tennis, you could say, probably originated.

I'm not sure where tennis came from. We came from France. England was part of it. It was French. England and France. Royal tennis. But I mean, what an amazing fate to develop most of the world's popular sports and then suck at them for millennia after doing this.

And just even have special rules where you get more countries where, you know, in soccer they get four countries rather than one, all of which are just completely shit. Yeah. So, you know, we don't have to do anything. Yeah. We don't have to... They're just driving themselves slowly into a wall. We don't have to launch our non-existent orcus subs because...

Because the British will probably just sink them on the way over anyway in some self-inflicted. In one of your most insightful points of the last year or so, Charles, yeah, the subs are never going to arrive. It was like saying you're going to go to your annoying friends party. Yes. You get all the credit for good intentions. And then the last minute you sent a text, I'm really sorry, I've got a headache.

I can't possibly come to your party. It's just not, not, I'd love to be there. Love to be there. I can't make it. So, I mean, look, I think that when Australia comes back, we need to have the most obnoxious celebration possible. Yeah, it's a ticker tape parade of people who are slightly out of their wickets. Like, how would it work?

We have some big celebration where we stump people. Oh, no, we round up all the English people. You put all the English people. Basically, go down to Bondi and have a massive game of beach cricket and just endlessly dismiss them just over and over again. Look, the other thing we do is just do what the English did for so long and just not let them in. We just have a really rough immigration policy.

It's basically we welcome people from all around the world. If you're English, no. You have to not speak English properly and then you can get in. That's right. We just think, you know, you're of poor character. You're probably one of those dipshits from lawwards. We'd rather you didn't come in. Your visa's not approved.

I love it. And imagine, imagine if the resident. of the UK could no longer visit the neighbours tour they'd be heartbroken and if they do make it in we give them non-functional sunscreen so they die anyway

oh my god yeah it's it's the way to eradicate the British there you go very well done well look it it might not have been the most edifying and sporting moments in the history of Australian cricket but it couldn't have happened to a more deserving country than England

I feel yeah What a bunch of countries. Our gear is from Roe, we are part of the O'Connor Class Network. See you tomorrow. Thank you for your patience. Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore. FIS is 100% online so you can make the switch in minutes.

Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply. Details at FIS.ca.