The Chaser Report - The Stupidest Tradie Story Ever | Andrew Hansen

Episode Date: March 6, 2023

Andrew goes behind enemy lines and shares what's making news in the Daily Mail, which leads to Charles sharing what historians are already calling "the most embarrassing story about a tradie of all time". Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gadigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report. I'm Charles Firth and with me today is Dom Knight. Hello. And the wonderful Andrew Hanson. Hello. Not that you're not wonderful, Don.

Oh, it's okay. Andrew is a special treat. I'm here all the time. Andrew is a deluxe edition. Yeah, but it is more wonderful, a lot more wonderful. I don't know, we'll work it out. Hello, how you doing, Jomi and Charles? I was actually going to ask you, Andrew,

should probably do this off air, but I might as well do it on there, which is next week I'm going to be doing my live show for the first time. And I'm just wondering whether you would be able to take over from me co-hosting this podcast just for a few episodes while I... Well, when you fiddled with your live show. Yeah, yeah, you know, I'd love to co-host. I love a good old co-host

Why not? Why not? Okay, sure. Okay, well then it'll be the Chaser Report with Dom and Andrew next week. Oh, what a... Yeah, let's try that.

Andrew, look, if you want to pull out of it later, by all means, you can just say you're going to do on the podcast. Oh, no, I love being offered jobs on air, you know, in the middle of a podcast and having to decide... By the way, literally as we're recording this, I've just had it... Because one of the segments that we're now running, Andrew, is a segment about what should our other segments on the podcast be.

Oh, yes. And we actually asked listeners to text in with suggestions for... Oh, that's cheating. That's cheating. You're supposed to come up with your own segments. But what this guy is saying is maybe Aldi reviews, like, which we did a segment on our own reviews, maybe that should be our whole next podcast is just reviewing Aldi products.

It's so much comedy in every Aldi product. Well, we weren't seriously going to start a Kmart news podcast who's on Lodge, who's too busy to do it, but it was a really good idea because the Kmart news is hilarious. And I think we should, like Aldi does, where they always say, oh, this is money

award, because coffee beans, which are undrinkable from Aldi, right? But they're award-winning. But they're money magazines award-winning coffee, right? Oh, well, if anyone knows coffee, it's Money Magazine. It's not gourmet traveller. No, no, no.

I wouldn't go there. I wouldn't go to the good food and wine go. We should have our own Chaser gold medal winner. Oh, that's good. You know, like, you win that if you're particularly crap. Yeah, and if you want to sponsor the podcast and get these bullshit awards, just contact ACAST. Yeah, that's right.

So, Andrew, you had promised us last time we chatted, tantalizingly, some news from not a street. but the world's most reputable news source and frankly i feel news deprived i want to i want to be newsified look i can fill you in because i let's go straight to the source let's go to the daily mail um donnie and charles they're having a bloody red hot week of headlines here and i mean look i haven't even read the details of some of these headlines so i thought we could just maybe shoot the breeze and work out what's going on ourselves here's here's one now this is happening in the world according to the daily mail headline

But could I just point out a fatal flaw with this plan, Andrew? Which is that the Daily Mail headlines are about the length of an article. They will tell us exactly what's going on. Yeah, I hope you're sitting... They'll back up the entire screen. I hope you're sitting comfortably as I read out these long daily mail headlines. Here's one. Listen to neighbour from hell's almighty scream at Trades,

after her attempts to fake an injury and hit them with a piece of timber, didn't go to plan. Now, I don't know. Look, I haven't even attempted to read the article here. But look, let's break it down. What's going on? So there's a neighbour from hell. Of course.

She's screaming at tradies. She's tried to fake an injury. She's also tried to hit the tradies with a piece of timber. But that whole thing didn't go to plan. That's what's happening here. So, I mean, what's even going on? Can you even begin to explain this to me? I'm going to presume, I mean, are we wanting a comedic answer or the truth?

I just want to actually understand the facts of the case before we start talking about. I think the truthful answer is, surely this involves crystallized methamphetamine. Ah, yes. It does sound like it. Isn't that what always happens? People get naked and hit people with pieces of wood. We thought it was a pillow. Oh, having a pillow phone.

Yeah, I think this could be it, couldn't it? Well, I mean, oh my gosh, yes. Look, I've opened the article and mentions that she's an elderly woman, actually, which makes the crystal meth explanation maybe less likely. Possibly more. I just want to understand how she's a neighbour from hell, right? Because that's a current affair kind of trope that they love. But we haven't even hearing about the neighbour.

Like, she's a customer from hell, and she's clearly violent and deranged. But what's she done to her neighbours? What are the neighbours grow up with this? Well, yeah, I don't know. Maybe it's because she's always screaming and wielding pieces of timber. Well, not only that, but at the end... You sure she's not the Governor General's wife? It does sound a bit that way.

She's actually... She's just singing a song. She's trying to sing, yeah, my son... I imagine the Trades... The old Tradies are asked her not to sing. And she was very upset. Look, maybe that. I think we've...

I mean... I think we've worked that one out. I just want to ask, though, who among us has not wanted to hear the tradesperson with some sort of blunt object? Me? I've never, like, tradies are the people who do things that I am completely unable to do in my life. But don't they shame you and make you feel like less of a man because of their brute genius? The worst tradie experience I've ever had is when I thought our dishwasher was broken. And so I called up the trade.

and, you know, it was sort of like, you've got to come quickly because, you know, I've got to get the dish, it was washed. And he came out the same day. And then he, um, he showed me where the power button was. Oh, oh, Charles, that's bad. That's really bad. Fixed it. That's so bad. Only a hundred bucks. Only a hundred. What? That's a miracle. Most tradies would charge at least $900 for that. Well, see, I find the opposite, though. The, the trade is, whenever I get a tradie, they always fold their arms. They look at the problem that you've described. And despite having worked as a tradie doing nothing but this very thing for the last 27 years,

they always shakes his head and says, oh, I've never seen anything like this before. Well, what did they do? They always say that. They always say, oh, well, I don't know how they've done this. But, I mean, the last people who were in here must have just done something very, oh, what's this? Oh, yep, I don't know. Nah, we're going to have to think about this. and they've never seen any problem before, ever.

Like every problem is completely brand new, I find, to tradies. I think that they've been lucky. You've been lucky. I think that they've been lucky. I reckon it is. It's a deliberate ploy because then they have to bring in six more tradies and charge you nine times as much. And because I'm such an idiot, like you, Charles,

I don't realize that it's just that I haven't turned the power button on. Yeah, I think it's fake. I guarantee my tradie had never seen that before. A level of stupidity is. The Chaser Report, news you know you can't trust. Should we get some royal? Yeah, yeah, let's get some royal news. Let me guess it's about Harry and Megan.

Charles, you are a canny knower of royal news. Yes, King Charles, according to the headline, is evicting Harry and Megan from Frogmore Cottage, leaving them without a UK home. and he's the sting in the tail and offering the property to Prince Andrew I would feel upset did you know this was happening I would feel devastated if I

if it was made clear to me that I was lower in the hierarchy of my family than the paed yeah I mean that's the thing isn't it like if you really want to hurt somebody's feelings it's like

I mean no you can't have that but Prince Andrew can you know I mean sure Andrew Andrew may have paid millions of the Queen's dollars to settle a child sex case, but he hasn't published a memoir that was a little bit embarrassing for the king. But can I just also point out that haven't Harry and Megan already left the UK anyway?

Well, that's what I wondered. Frogmore cottage have been empty anyway. Exactly. Is the outrage from them that, oh my God, we don't have a spare house? I mean, his fucking book is called spare. He likes spare figs. But also, Charles, you're not thinking like a rich person. Normal people, normal people don't just have a spare house in a different country just in case they want to go there.

It's devastating for them. Didn't you hear, poor old Prince Andrew earlier in this whole legal process, had to sell his Swiss chalet to fund the legal fees? These people, they can't make do with just five houses. They need the sixth, Charles. Think like a rich person. Yeah, it is. So what is What's that Prince Andrew going to do with the house?

Presumably Or is he going to Puller children into it, is he? Is he going to turn it from a cottage into a lair? Renamed Frogmore Lear Instead of Frongmore Cottage. Shagmore, come to Shagmore lair. It would be a surprise.

Barry and Megan have been told about this. Because imagine if you turned up, you know, to your holiday house and you open the door. Oh, oh, God, what's going on here? Work experience into, oh, my God. Is you going to put, you know, put the walls, make the walls out of candy? Yes, it's going to have to turn into gingerbread. Gingerbread animals. The sort of Hansel and Gretel stuff.

Yeah. Have a big. um, cavernous cauldron to push the kids into. Well, this has gotten truly disturbing at this point. All right. But not as disturbing is the things we know Prince Andrew has definitely done. And so just, and just to, like, put a... So, Prince Andrews still a...

How is Prince Andrews still... So is it, like, I thought it sort of agreed to no longer be a royal. This is what it is. No, he's going to be living in... He's going to be living in Shagmore Lair next door to the bloody... But that's what I... This is the other part of the story I don't get. I thought he'd been sort of booted out.

It's a shitty little place. By royal standards, right? For you and me... It's basically like a jail. Yeah, for you and me will be a massive, comfortable country mansion, right? I've seen pictures at this place. Harry and Megan, they did it up,

it cost them four million pounds. It's pretty big, right? But where Prince Andrew was before was in Buckingham Palace. He had a suite of apartments. So they are shunting a corner of the Windsor property or whatever. So they're taking him out of the public place.

The king said, you can live here in seclusion in this lair, which, by the way, doesn't have any door handles who'll find out when he's in there. So he's being demoted, but still within the context of getting free housing for life

because he was born into the right family. I know. You'd think anyone else who'd sort of had the rumours circulating about them that he's had would have to move, you know, to sort of, I don't know.

They would have made him the head of the church or something. They would have you. Yes. If you're supposed to do, I mean, okay, sure. If the rule is now that you can't be a member of the royal family,

and probably a paedophile. I mean, sure, that can be the rule, but that's a big change for the family. It's after breaking hundreds of years of precedent. Now, Domney and Charles, have you been mesmerized recently? Well, according to the Daily Mail, a little known...

And speaking of dishwashers, too, Charles, you might like this one. A little known dishwasher hack has emerged mesmerizing thousands. Does it involve the power bus? I think it's even It's kind of at that level actually It's about a woman

This is this woman who's posted on social It's a little video And she's discovered this thing about her dishwasher What you can do is you can move the cutlery rack Into different positions To make room for more plates And so she shows you how you can sort of take the rack From this bit of the dishwasher

And actually stick it on here instead You see Yes And now the only other place that this hack can be discovered, I realized, is if you read the dishwasher manual, that's, I mean, no wonder it's gone viral, my God. And the great thing is this woman also has another video

I learned later in the article about how to clean the filter in the dishwasher. She shows you how to do that. And it's gone nuts. It's gone huge on TikTok. And again, the manual explains the same thing. but the manual's not on TikTok, isn't it? Imagine how many TikTok follow with the manual. Yeah, we don't read manual.

No, we rely on YouTube, don't we? Yes, manual. But the thing is, but I think it's not just manuals. I think it's also parents, right? So in my experience, I've got teenage boys now, and they don't spend any time talking to me. So my opportunity, the amount of time I have to teach them, oh, this is how you clean the dishwasher filter, or this is, you know, another way to

stack the dishes is basically zero because they've got their face planted in TikTok the whole time. So, like, I think, I think the fact that, you know, basic sort of lessons for life that parents would otherwise tell them is now on TikTok is a good thing. That is good. Because TikTok is basically their parent. Well, I see. This is, that's fantastic. And a useful solution to the complexities of life, except for the fact that the Biden administration is apparently seriously considering

banning TikTok in America because of its use as banning parents to war on the family. How will people know how to stack a dishwasher Well, they won't, no, yes. The dishes are not going to get washed. They'll have to teach them.

They'll have to teach people how to read. They'll never ever be able to wash dishes again. They'll simply stack them up in the sink forever. There'll be a whole generation of people who watch TikTok rather than learning how to read. But it's a trade-off, isn't it? Yes, it's an insidious social media app

that monitors all of us and is brainwashing our children. But at the same time, useful life skills. But also, like, we had that with Facebook, and nothing too bad happened during, you know, when Facebook was the predominant social media. I mean, except maybe the Trump administration being elected and the spread of fake news across the world and destabilization. The many, many thousands who died because they saw vaccine misinformation and didn't get vaccination.

Yeah, it's all worth it. All worth it. Whatever bad happened. Actually, you know what, TikTok by comparison, has killed relatively few people thus far. Have you tried opening it? The first time I opened TikTok, I felt very sick and I thought, oh, this is the end of civilization. No, no, I was trying. I literally tried to open it last night, and I don't know, I can't work out the buttons.

I've reached that age where I had to ask my son what do all the buttons do? Yeah, me too. Just means I should probably die. It's a safety device so that old people can't use the app. Oh, I see.

It's definitely coming off. Oh, yes. To keep old people off the app. Yeah, well, that makes sense. That's actually a sort of approved. It's actually to stop Prince Andrew from being on the app. People into his land.

These confounded buttons. I'll be your billion. dollars that Prince Andrew is on TikTok. We'll catch you next time. Our gears from ride. We're part of the Iconiclast podcast network. See ya.