The Chaser Report - THE TILLY REPORT: Pre-Match Aus v. England

Episode Date: August 16, 2023

We are entirely on the Tilly bandwagon. Charles and Dom give their keen insight on the historic Aus v. Eng match - that they read from someone else. Go the Matildas! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gatigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to a very special afternoon edition of The Chaser Report as we anticipate the semi-final of the Matilda's tonight. Yes, it's bandwagon time here at The Chaser Report. Charles and I are fully on the bandwagon for the Women's World Cup, 2023. And we're renaming the Chaser Report, the Tilly Report. report, absolutely. To try and juice our numbers. To try and juice our numbers by jumping on the bandwagon. And look, we're not the only ones doing it. The whole of Australia, there's a small hardcore group of people such as comedy

writer Beckshaw who've been very big on the Matilda's for decades plus. To them I say, kudos, you were right. At least we're here. It took us a long time, but we're on board. Let's crack into this after this. So, can I tell you the most exciting thing that's happened to me this century? This century? Yes. Wow. I saw Ellie Carpenter this morning walking along the street You did not I did

What's she doing walking along the street What if she trips up Well exactly Why didn't she have security guards What if a passing English player I think if she tripped up Comes and takes her out No no

She was just in I was riding my bike in Piedmont And she was just walking along The street next to the start So I think that they must have been staying In the Star last night or something Oh in the casino Yeah Oh that's a dangerous place to put athletes

Although this is the good thing about the Matilda This is one of the reasons why we love them so much If you put any other men's team there, you'd think they would have all been up to 4-am gambling and drinking and God knows what. There's no sense that any of them rape. Yes, it's good. It's quite different from the NRL, isn't it? Very refreshing. Yeah, no, it's good.

It's a wholesome team. It's a family team. It's a team that seems, as far as I can tell, to be entirely free of assholes. How did they do that? Is it just that they're women or is it that they're great women? I suspect it's a bit of both. I think it's just that they're women. I think, yeah, it's just ordinary women are just better.

On the first day of my criminal law class, our feminist lecture came in and said, criminal law is essentially the study of men. And so it has proved to be. Don't send its email saying not all men are criminals. Just most. Yeah. Just most.

And also, not all women aren't assholes. I mean, you know, my wife offered me a mushroom risotto the other day. Actually, I'll tell you what, I really think. Not that we need this to win the game, I'm sure, but wouldn't it be wonderful if some English fan had just delivered a bunch of good luck mushrooms? Maybe we've got time before the game, actually, to just find out where they're saying.

Just look, best of luck, lightesses. Not the death cap ones. Why not? You don't want them to die. You just want them to be violently ill. No, we want to win in a fair fight, Dom. Do we? Do we, though?

So, but Dom, you know, I think you made some pathetic plea a few days ago. I think on this podcast, saying you didn't have a ticket. It wasn't. Update us on... It wasn't just on this podcast. It was on many different places. Right. Someone emailed this very morning and said...

On our podcast email. Yeah, on our podcast email and said, look, words that I never thought I'd read. The most surprising part of the email was actually, I'm a long-term fan of yours and the Chaser. Not the ticket offer, which followed. Enormously kind. A big thanks to Paul. I didn't believe it.

I've actually got the ticket here. So basically you've lucked in by being essentially a celebrity. I didn't know that you could get anything good out of being a podcaster. I mean, I know that people in the media world in general, you know, lots of VIP things. I didn't know that podcast listeners, ordinary podcast listeners, would send it, would email you tickets. You've got this. Look, look at that, Australia versus England. You've joined the P list. The P list.

Fantastic. So it is a, it's a glamorous profession podcasting. But no, I'm absolutely touched at Paul's generosity. There was a caveat, though, Charles. And I just want to mention this in case I die at Saddam in Australia tonight. I want these to be my own way. The caveat is as follows. We're up high sitting with England supporters,

as my sons did get these tickets by using the special code, which I understand has caused some controversy. So there may be some banter, in inverted commas, heading our way. So presumably... They're wanting you there for your witticisms. No, they're wanting. me there as a human shield. Does Paul not know that English soccer fans are stabby?

They're, they're, they've heard of the hooligans and the violence. Like, I'm hoping that in Australia, that's not the case. But sitting with English soccer fans, it's not just about the banter. They're not like the barmy army. They're not bringing trumpets. English soccer fans famously bring stilettos. Yes. So we'll see.

So I'm going to still wear, I'm still going to wear my gold jersey because I have to represent, but I may also bring an England one just in case I need to put it on. At some point, you're in the game. Just to somewhat, I've got English heritage. Brave, brave Dom. Turncoat. So we'll see how that goes. But no, it's enormously exciting.

And Paul also says that two of his sons are also referees like I used to be back in the day. So what a beautiful idea. We'll talk about the final points referee, which I presume will be a very sophisticated discussion about, oh, do you think that was ever so marginally offside? Or the more conventional approach, Charles, which is going, Bullshit, Russ! So the thing that I'm looking forward to, because I'm also going tonight, is not having to listen to the Channel 7 commentary while I watch the game.

Because I think I'll learn more. I've decided that actually the commentary is so bad that it actually subtracts from your knowledge of soccer as you're watching. So you end knowing less about soccer. That's probably true. You know that in some stadiums, and I don't know if they still do this at the cricket, but certainly at the test, they used to see. sell earpieces that gave you the live commentary and you could choose not only from like the ABC ones or the ones on AM radio. They even had a special broadcast of the channel nine TV commentary. And so I wonder if they'll do that for channel seven. And I would particularly like

to have the internal monologue of the commentators. I mean, who's that? What, what's happening? Why are they all standing in a line? Is that, is that a wall? Are we calling that a wall? Why the ball's round? I thought, I thought the balls were oval shaped here. stadium, Australia. So, yeah, that would be very exciting, I think. So, and then the final thought for tonight, before we all go, and we should just make this a short podcast. Yeah, let's make it sure.

I mean, this is just to basically cash in on the Matilda's. Just to get some points. Who's going to win? Who's going to win? Well, Charles, there are some, I've got the five burning questions. I've just ripped from the Sydney Morning Herald. So we go through the five-bred questions. Okay, yeah, okay, that's good way.

The question one, this is from Emma Kemp's article. Well done, Emma. We're just doing what you did and hashing in on the Tilly's first. for clicks. We're also cashing in on your research. Who are the favourites? Ellie Carpenter. It just says...

Oh, who are the favourites in terms of the team? Mary Fowler, please. I say it's been kerb, it also Mary Fowler. It's been amazing. But no, it depends who you ask. So she's hedging a bit's first sentence of the article. England are the reigning European champions. They got four injured, though, don't they?

They've only been beaten once in 37 games under their current coach, Serena Weigman. By the Matilda's. By the Matilda's in a friendly. So they're higher in the rankings and so on. But we're at home in Australia. Plus, we're Australian and they're English. So we have the psychological wood over them. I think, though, it's drizzly and cold today in Sydney.

Yeah, that's true, actually. And that is basically England. It is England. And so I kind of feel like, whereas we would normally have the home of granted bandy. In a beautiful sweltering Sydney. We've basically. recreated Home Ground Advantage for England.

Except that a lot of our players play in England. So they'll have the combination of being used to shit conditions plus the roar of the home crowd. I mean, Sam Kerr plays for Chelsea. Mary Fowler, the amazing Mary Fowler, plays for Manchester City. So she lives in the north of England

which is, and if you've been to London and thought the weather's shit, you've got to remember that most of England is further north and therefore that much worse. Next question, how will Tony Gustavson manage fatigue. Now, this is the man who does not like to substitute players. Yes.

He just tends not to do that. So as a result, all of his stars are exhausted. Well done, Tony. So apparently, they have this new technique that gets rid of bruises. Really? Yes. He's been talking about the triple SM a lot. Oh, what's that?

The sports science and sports medicine team. Yeah, right. Yeah. And so they do some sort of massage on everyone's bruises straight after the game. Yeah. And so I think. I think that's fine. Don't worry about it.

Well, here's the thing. We've got to talk about the elephant in the room, don't we? And the elephant in the room is Sam Kurt. Right. Who has... She'll start on the bench. She'll start on the bench. She'll come off the bench.

The thing about Sam Kurt, we've got to be honest. She played for most of the last game. There are a few moments of brilliance, but she certainly didn't grab the game by the scruff of its neck. This is the time for Sam Kurt to be Sam Kerr to be Sam Kerr. No, no, no. We've got to save her for... For the final.

For the final. But bring her on. Bring her on, yeah, 50 minutes like last time. Yes. She'll have time to create some goals if we need them. We may not need them, but this is the time. She will have the freshest legs of just about anyone out there. Yes.

Also, the sorrest legs based on the carfing tree, but we'll see. But the good news is that Lauren James, who is the young kind of Sam Kerr equivalent. She's suspended. What? She got too much suspension for committing a professional foul two games ago for England. Oh, right. So Lauren James, who is brilliant, won't be there. So if we win, we need to make sure we say to everyone in English we know,

oh, such a pity Lauren James, couldn't play. Yes, that's a good idea. Oh, she would have won it for you. Yes. But unfortunately, she was suspended. But she'll be back for the third place playoff, England, so you'll have her back to try and get in. Yeah, that's good.

Yeah, yeah. Good stuff. Who is in the opposing dugout. Now, Serena Wegman is an amazing coach. Doesn't, doesn't not going to help them up against Australia. And finally, what if it goes to penalties? Look, McKenzie Arnold, she's the best in the world. I don't know if that's technically true,

but I'm calling it. Best in the world at penalties. Yes. Except taking the penalties. But best in the world at saving the penalties and basically saying chilled out. But I kind of think, even the kick where she just hit the poll. Post. Afterwards, she said, you know, like, oh, I think I just sliced a little bit too much.

And you're just going, but I reckon kudos for, like, that was a fucking fantastic kick. It was very close. Yeah. But also. Like, that would have been the world's greatest kick. You know. It would have won it. And here's the thing.

She was cool enough to be number five. Like Christopherson said, you're going to be taking the crucial thing. Goalies don't normally take penalty kicks, right? They normally just save them. And she was so cool that not only did she nearly get it in, and in the pressure one, the fifth one. But she then turned around and saved. I couldn't believe when she had that penalty disallowed for coming off the line. Yes.

She saved it again. How cool is that? I wish I was as cool as McKenzie Arnold. That's my new benchmark of coolness, a lot with Paul who gave me. the ticket. The Chaser Report, news a few days after it happens. So Dom, before we go, who are you supporting tonight? Obviously England, because I'm sitting in the England area.

Yeah, yeah, because I don't know, I kind of feel like, you know, the Tilly's are a little bit, you know, it's all a bit overblown over. Everyone's, it's, it's just a bandwagon now, isn't it? Yes. It used to me that it was edgy. Like, I was watching them in the last World Cup. I watched most of their games in the last World Cup. Yeah.

That was more niche. It was more, it's like when everyone's into your favorite band. Like, all these people I know who loved Nirvana until Nevermind. And it was like, oh, God, so overexposed. Yeah. It's like Melbourne's laneways. You go there, it's nice for a while, but then you go, oh, come on. Yeah.

I mean, the Matilda's were good, but I think now that everyone knows the names of the players. Yes. I feel like I knew the names of the players like a day earlier than everyone else. And it's just getting to, I don't know. Yeah. And they need to be brought down a pig. Oh, you think. Yeah, I think that's right.

They're getting too arrogant. They're getting too big for their boots. Well, based on the talk back that we had last week, which is very enjoyable, we're going to do it again at Thursday, 3pm Sydney time, by the way. Look for the socials. Oh, now we got some complaints about holding it at 3pm because everyone, like, I think Kelly actually texted me saying that is literally pick up time for people, like especially you know mothers who are picking up their kids from school

so to which I say sucks to be you to which I say put your kids in after school kids in after school kids I'm going to go straight from that recording to pick up my child from school or just you know let them just wait say sorry there's there's more important things in life than you or pick them up pick them up and then put them in the car three minutes later or on speaker on your phone and join the Zoom make the child endure the swear

that might be a problem um use head phones but listen to the you just make them wait while you join us they're going to learn appropriate places so we're going for England all right that's good are we going for England just to be different a bit controversial episode go England go England yeah

that would be great but no in all sincerity if they win it will be the greatest moment in Australian sport that I can remember and if they lose we won't discuss it if they lose yeah I mean look it was good well-lasting women's sports

but I think we can safely say that it's finished. The other thing is it will clearly now cost us a public holiday. I mean, they owe it to the nation, basically. We've made it so that the Matilda's are assholes if they don't give us a lot of public holiday. That was not sensible of Albo, frankly. Oh, it was a terrible idea. It was a really silly idea. It should have just been a nice surprise at the end.

Yeah, yeah, it should have been. It's spur of the moment. Oh, my gosh. I mean, actually with Daniel Andrews on this one, which is he hasn't announced whether he's in favour or not, because he says, I don't want to jinx it. Malinouskas from South Australia said the same thing. No, no, Malinouskas said he's not going to do it. Alba has taken it off the agenda for National Cabinet as well.

He said... Well, but what other more important pressing issues like housing could possibly be? He literally said housing. He wants to talk about housing. Instead, I say, I say that's not as important as the Matilda. Yeah. Is he Anthony Alvin, is he Prime Minister of Australia, or is he Max Chandler Mather person who whinges about housing all the time.

Got to work out who you want to be, Alba. And look, on Monday, after the World Cup is over, one or the other, yeah, housing will be more important than the Matilda's, because the bandwagon will have finished then. We'd need to understand what's going to happen. And if the Matildas want to be treated the same as the soccer ruse, which they do, which they should be in the interest of a quality child, what happens is at about midnight on Sunday night,

okay, if they win, maybe they get extra 24 hours. But we all forget about soccer for four years until the next World Cup. That's what equality is. Yeah, that is. Yeah, that's exactly right. That's what we do for the soccer is they stop the nation when they're in the World Cup. Yes. We couldn't give a shit the following week.

That's just Australia. We didn't make the rules. Yes, that's right. Although, if England win tonight and then win on Sunday... We can't have that. We should have a public holiday. Because we're part of England. Because we're colonised by England.

You know what? I've got to say... We've got the same king. If we... Who will be supporting England, by the way, all the way through. We've got to be clear on this, Charles. Let's draw a line in the sand. If England win this game, go to the finals of the World Cup against Spain,

we have to do everything we possibly can to stop them from winning. We have to everyone who works at the hotel has to keep them up, everyone who cooks their food, as to mushrooms, because we can't have England winning a World Cup in Australia. That is the worst possible outcome of any team winning it. You know what you have to do, Australia. They won't win. Well, what do is you do?

If Australia looks like they're going to lose, you know, know, the 85th minute or something. Like, it's all... What they should do is they should just start kicking everyone in the shins and stuff. I think, Charles, it's on us. Yeah. As will be at the ground to lead the entire... A whole lot of professional foul.

Lead the entire stadium in a massive pitch invasion that means the game has to be called off. Oh, yes! I think that's... Oh, the power of collective action. About 85 minutes in. Okay. If the Matilda's are behind, we've just got to rush the pitch.

That's it. That's it. You can't have... Match abandoned. Match abandoned. Let's have a replay. Yes. And if you can possibly...

I'm not saying injure English players. I'm just saying if you find a way to slip them some mushrooms or just something so that there's only... Something plausibly deniable. They've got a squad of 23 players. If there has to be a replay and then when they've got eight, they can't play. They'll have to forfeit the game. That's all I'm saying. Like Donald Trump, no responsibility.

I'm just unleashing the mob. Yeah. But I don't want any accountability later. It's on you. Yeah, this is just like you spitballing. It's going to be a hell of a game. I'm so glad we're going to be there. I'm looking forward to the bitch invasion.

I'm looking forward to the beer. So who do you reckon it's going to mean? You've got to put it down. I reckon it's going to be 3-1 to the Matildas. I think they're going to boss it. Yeah, I'm saying 4-1. Okay. To England.

4-1 to England. All right, here you go. Gehry is from Road. We're part of our Conant Class Network, and apparently our World Cup tickets come from Pity. Thank you.