The Chaser Report - The UN-Latham Party

Episode Date: October 16, 2022

Charles Firth is going into politics! He and Dom make their official policies for their campaign, and divulge the highly-complex methods in which they plan to research all a wide-range of political issues. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gatigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report, which has somehow survived the Holocaust. If you're listening to this, the last episode was wrong and Russia is not yet blown up. At least us, Charles Firth and Dom 9. Now, Dom, got a bit of an announcement, actually, this morning. Yeah, which is, I am resigning as host of the Chaser Report. We've barely been here.

Of late. But, yeah, and I am, and then I'm resigning in order to run for the position of the host of the Chaser Report. Hang on a second, but you're currently the host of the Chaser Report. There's not a vacancy in the job until you leave the job. Yes. In order to be appointed to the job. And then I will be running, and I'll implore everyone to support me in my application to be the host of the Chaser Report. Has it occurred to you that you wouldn't need.

To leave the position in order to gain the position you currently have. Well, the thing is, there's a lot of benefits. I've just discovered that there's all these sort of, you know, entitlements that you can get from leaving the Chaser report. And I'm just going to do it. I'm going to do it. Get all that stuff and then get it back again. I feel like this is an analogy for a different situation.

We'll find out what that situation is after this. The Chaser Report, news you know you can't trust. This is not my own idea. I did actually get the idea of a hero of mine, really. Oh. Mark Latham. Off Mark Latham? Yes.

When's the last time Mark Latham ever had an idea that was worth copying? Well, I think his book, because a lot of his book was plagiarised. Remember that? Which book? He copied and past it. What was it called? The Latham does? Or civilising global campaigns?

Civilising global capital, the whole swathes of it that were copied from something else. So, I mean, it wasn't his idea that he copied, but he had an idea to copy something worth copying. Maybe that was the third way. Like, the third way is actually just copying someone else. The first way is having an original idea. The second idea is, second way is doing pain, second research. Third way is going, fuck it, I'm going to fight a copy it. So what he has done is he's announced that he's going to resign as a member of parliament from the

New South Wales up a house, right? Isn't he only halfway through his eight-year term? He's done four years, isn't he? So he's four years in. He ran under the One Nation Party ticket. Yes, of course he did. How wonderfully ethical they are. And under the very strange rules of New South Wales politics,

you can resign your position, then run for the same position. Yes. You then get that position again and you get another eight-year term. you can then turn around and go, well, hang on, that position that I just resigned from, which I've now just been elected to, that other position, is now vacant. And you can appoint anyone you want, anyone you want, into that vacant position. What a brilliant idea. And the best thing is, which I didn't even know when I first had this idea to resign as Chase a Host,

is if you are, if you don't succeed in running and winning for the eight-year term, you can reappoint yourself. Oh, so you don't have to reappoint yourself until after it's all over. Yeah, yeah. You can literally time it. So you resign. It's a no-lose situation. I mean, except for the people of New South Wales who have to put up with Mark Latham for another eight years.

So is this kind of like how cancer cell will replicate its size? in a no-risk situation until eventually there's enough cancer cells to basically destroy the body. Yeah, so basically what Mark Latham has done is he's taken a bit of his testicle and he's applied the same principle to New South Wales electoral law. I think you'll find that testicle is entirely removed. Anyway, right, so that seems like a pretty clever loophole. I mean, to be honest, this is cleverer than I would have expected from Mark Latham. If this policy involved, I don't know, saying something horrible to get reelected or sort of smashing and burning,

or even doing a weird cookbook with Alan Jones, I would have thought, yeah, that's Latham. Yes. But this is kind of a rat cunning move. Look, Dom, I talk to lots of people in power all the time. And word is on Macquarie Street that actually Mark Latham's a bit of an operator. He's actually, he's whipsmart, apparently. He runs rings around everyone else. in the upper house, and he organises them to do a whole basic set of agendas that happen to

have large donors attached to them. And I can give you some examples. For example, Mark Latham is leading the charge, the inspirational charge. This is the sort of reason why you enter politics in the first place, especially if you're from out west in western suburbs of Sydney. he is leading the charge to set up a nuclear waste dump in New South Wales. Is he? He's the guy. If you want to, you know, prosecute the case, that what New South Wales really needs is a nuclear waste dump.

He's your guy. Is it going to be in the basement where he once hosted Mark Latham's outsiders? Because you might recall. That was a bit of a dump show. He was on that show. He's on, like, this is the kind of whipster smart strategic. Genius at Lake Miss. He was on that show with Rowan Dean and Ross Cameron.

That was the initial cover. But that was it on Sky News. On Sky News. Yeah, that's right. And then, would you believe he said something terrible and they had to sack him? So something so terrible that even Sky News. Yes, on a show that was designed specifically to be a place where you could say terrible things and not get in trouble. Wow.

Okay. And this is the show that was incidentally, just as a footnote, conceived. and called outsiders because they weren't welcome in the media. Ross Cameron later boasted that the way he'd managed to get the show up was he'd had the idea, it would just be just men, no women welcome. No. And he just sent an email to the head of Skyny's Angeles, Fangopoulos, and he said, oh, yeah, sure, that's a great idea, just do it.

So that's how outside the media circle he was. Oh, they were outsiders, except Mike Latham. And they talked about it for an hour on television every week. And the only one who survived without saying something terrible is Rowan Dean. because even though he says terrible things, he's so insipid on television that no one understands what he's saying. Anyway, so Mark Latham, he's such a good operator. He got sacked from the show where you could say anything.

Yes, but then he set up his own. Don't you remember? Yes, that's what I'm saying. Mark Latham's outsiders using the same brand name filmed in a basement. In a basement. Which might be the toxic waste dump. And it was, I'm pretty sure the last show had less than 100 viewers, didn't it? Like, it was some terrible...

It wasn't a huge success. Basically, it was like the Alan Jones show. show now, but with even fewer backers. I mean, we've got, we have a Facebook page. I can tell you, Facebook is a very large institution. It is extremely hard to get only 100 views on something. Anyway, but so then the bizarre thing was he then ran for politics and got elected. Yes.

Because he found the One Nation brand was perfect for his new views. No, exactly. And so now he's just replicating. So he's going to appoint. Is he going to appoint you? Well, he's going to be the appointee. Well, the thing is, it can be anyone. It doesn't, so until the law was modified about two decades ago, it had to be the number two on your ticket.

Right, okay. But now it's just like literally any rando he can appoint. So it would be interesting. Look, I'll put my hat in the ring. And what I could do is I could do my strategy that I'm going to do anyway. Well, we talked about this before. Yes, so it's time to unveil your campaign once again. Which is, I am running next year for the New South Wales Upper House.

I've got to remember to get those nomination forms in. And my entire party platform is, I've got one policy which is to neutralise Mark Latham's vote. So my pledge is, I won't do any research about any bills or anything, I won't do any work, except I'll find out whatever Mark Latham's voting on and I'll just vote the exact opposite way. So presumably, he's heard about this campaign of yours. Yes, he's scared. And he's scared. So what he's decided to do is have two, two Mark Latham.

So it'll be him re-elected, plus whichever, you know, a relevant off-sider he's managed to give the... He's metastasizing. He's metastasizing. Yeah, he is. Yeah, okay. So it probably will be Alan Jones, weren't it? Well, or Ross Cameron. But this is even more...

Or Roent team. This is even more of a... It'll be an outsider. Yeah. I'd have been an outsider who's incredibly well connected in the media and political establishment. But... Hang on. So you need another you.

No, but yeah, this is even more reason to vote for me because now we need to neutralise two Mark Lathens at the next election. Jesus. So everyone's got to get out their voting papers. So who should I, well, do you want to be my running mate? I would be your running mate, but there's a problem. I'm not very popular. You need Craig.

I need Craig. Craig would get a couple of quotas. Oh, he would get a couple of quotas. Yes. You think Craig would want to do it, though, would. Well, don't you get paid without having to do very much, though, because maybe I should do it. Because you're lazy.

You're very lazy. That would work. And I wouldn't even need to do the research. I'd just vote the same way that you go. Yeah, that's right. So you could do the research. You would just find out Mark Latham's voting intentions. Yeah.

And I would just copy you. We could do the podcast every day. Yes. From the New South Wales Parliament. New South the Parliament House. It's a very good idea. We can pay our staffers. Like, because we get staffers as researchers.

Yeah. As researchers. So, Lachland. can suddenly become... He get paid a lot more, right? Yeah, he would definitely get paid a lot more. And frankly, this podcast would be more consultation with the people of New South Wales than most people in the uphouse do.

The Chaser Report, more news, less often. So I think we need some policies, Don. I mean, we've got the one policy. Yeah. Because the other thing that you get, if you become a politician in New South Wales, is you get access to the subsidised members bar. Oh. So, and it's only for the politician actually has to be there to get the discount.

So they're already getting massive salary, but then they also get cheap food and drink. You get cheap food and drink. And what our pledge will be, which will break, but, you know, do that like that, is that if you vote for us, we will shout you around at the members bar. Are we illegally allowed to do that? I suppose it sounds more ethical than resigning and then unresigning. Well, but also, you look at the last few elections, you know, with the rowing clubs and everything like that. Like, that's just crisp for the mill now.

So you don't need to, you don't need to keep a promise. You just say the situation, just like our boy is about to do with the tax cuts. Just say, oh, well, the situations change. Yeah. We were advised by ICAC that that was highly illegal. Right. So that's it. I mean, do we really need policy?

Because this is challenging. No, we, I don't think. I think we, no, I'll tell you what, what we do is we look up Mark Latham's website. Yes, let me do that now. And we just put in the word not into every sentence. Let's see if this works. To see whether, and that's, that's our policy. So we just literally...

Okay, I'm looking at NSW.1.1ation.org. There'll be a bit of research required because we have to work out where to put the not in the sentence. Okay, I've got one. So, One Nation will put common sense back into the New South Wales government. Not. Oh, we just put it at the end. That's easier. Here's the top 10 policies.

The most important thing, restoring standards and parental rights to the New South Wales school system. Not. Abolishing all forms of political indoctrination in New South Wales education, especially transgender ideology and critical race theory. Yeah, I disagree with that. Doesn't that sound as though they're indoctrating people in not liking critical race theory and transgender ideology?

Doesn't that sound like they're indoctrinating people there, Charles? No, because if you'd believe it, then it's not indoctrination. It's just good education. Okay, right. So not. Performance pay for teachers, rewarding the good ones

and getting rid of the bad ones, dragging down school results. That sounds almost, can you vote against that? No, no, no, except we should definitely vote against that

because, you know, I had this horrible teacher in year eight and I don't want him to get a good, you know, pay for us. All right. They want to have coal gas, nuclear and renewable power. So they want nuclear power in New South Wales.

Yes, exactly. They want nuclear power in New South Wales. So that's a not. not right there go they want to build the bayswater two coal-fired power station it would be bayswater won by that point because the other ones are all being closed down

but also won't the nuclear power plant mean that the bayswater suddenly becomes uneconomic look at your policy before that mark they're unashamedly pro jobs and pro-development are you going to be pro jobs no I hate jobs that's why I'm running for parliament

here's a bizarre thing in their top 10 Yes. Mandatory jail sentences for those who repeatedly assault New South Wales emergency services. Does that include taxi drivers? Because Levin's in trouble if... That's number seven of all the things they want to do. Yes. Is anyone arguing against jail sentences for those who repeatedly assault emergency services?

Well, that's bizarre. I don't know. I mean, I can see the argument. But nurses are pretty awful. Like, you know, and doctors. Oh, Amboes. Ambo deserved what's coming. You want to have the right to King hit them, you know, if they step out of line.

Right, so that's not the one you don't support. And then saving money by abolishing woke PC programs and employment quotas in the public sector. No, I love woke PC schemes because then you can criticise them. If you abolished all the woke PC regained... He wouldn't have anything to run on. You wouldn't have anything to run on. The Daily Telegraph would have nothing to write about. TGB would cease to exist.

Implement his strategy and he'll be redacted. done there'll be nothing to complain about yes you won't need you won't need two of him you'll need none of him oh my goodness all right so there you go so you're happy to cancel out all of his what will you call your party not mark latham no nation no nation one nation not what do we what do we call it we just call it oh surely the antelatham party the anti-latham party yeah or the unlatham party the unlatham the unlatham the neutral Well, stop Mark Latham? You want it to be a bit inspiring.

What about the exact opposite of Mark Latham part? Yeah, the exact opposite of Mark Latham. That's catchy as well. I can imagine Gabby writing a really good jingle for us. Could Gabby run as well? Oh, Gabby should run, yes. Although she should be in a position because she's a woman, so she shouldn't be able to be elected, you know.

Well, it looks as though, I mean, Mark Latham from this website seems to have found another guy, Rod Roberts. So he's got another white man. Are you astonished to hear this news? Well, this is why I feel like we should elect two white men on our ticket, because, you know, it's our fault. It's our fault that these white men are ruining the world. So why don't you elect us? It's the standard you walk past.

Yes, exactly. Like, it's our job to go in there, drink the subsidised beer, eat the subsidised food, and neutralise Latham. Only a white man can do that sort of hard work of vote. Just the exact opposite way. What happens if he tries to game you by voting for something good? Yeah, that would be an ethical dilemma. I think I'd probably ring up Craig and find out what would Craig do. That's my ethical guiding light.

All right. And then I'd do the opposite. All right. Vote one for Charles Firth and the anti-Latham part. Yeah, just to be clear, I'm going to neutralise Latham. I'm not going to be ethical myself. Oh, so it doesn't matter. Yeah.

All that matters is it's as though Mark Latham wasn't there. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Like, yeah, I'm going to brought the system as much as everyone else. Like, that's the only reason to go into politics, Tom. It's great to see people of your calibre stepping up to lead, Charles. Thank you, Dom. It means a lot. Aguirre is from Road. We're part of the ACAST. Create a network. Vote one Firth. I approve this message.