The Chaser Report - The Worst Olympic Opening Ceremony Ever (It Had Celine Dion) | Andrew Hansen

Episode Date: July 29, 2024

The Chaser Report resident sports-commentator Andrew Hansen joins Dom Knight to give a recap on the Paris 2024 Olympics so far. Want to know what happened at the Opening Ceremony, and the current gold medal tally? Yeah nah, we'll give it a crack. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gadigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is the Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report with Dom, without Charles, and once again, live from Melbourne and it's Mr Andrew Hanson, at the microphone. Welcome back, Andrew. Ah, yes, bonjour. Bonjour, Monsieur d'Am. We are here in Melbourne thinking very, very hard about the Paris Olympics.

You and I don't have been absolutely soaking in. Olympic fever, haven't we? Lesges olympic. Yes, that's the last time I'll try to speak French during this podcast. But no, the... Me too. It is very, very fine, Andrew, to see the eyes of the world pointed at something other than Donald Trump, although I presumably at some point during the course of the games,

Donald Trump will become the bigger story in them because of that's just what he tends to do. But we've done a lot of US politics on the podcast recently. We've been overdosing on it somewhat. So let's talk about sport. and I know that when it comes time to look at matters sporting, there are a few people I know who are more engaged with every moment of the Olympics than you. You have games fever, don't you? Even when the Olympics aren't on, you still have games fever.

Oh, I cannot get enough of the sports, me, Dominic Knight. Yes, I'm into sport. I know all about the tickets to the sport and the balls and things like that. Yes, indeed. Look, it's not something I grew up with. Admittedly, you know, my parents are very unsporty. And I've got the same mistake. I always see these guys out of the park, and they've always got a ball with them.

There's something about dads. Do you see this, don't any other dads? They will not leave the house without a ball in their hand. That's right. And it never occurs to me to leave the house with a ball in my hand. I mean, I might leave the house with, you know, maybe a book of short stories for my kids to enjoy. Or, you know, I might leave the house perhaps with, you know, some white, clean mathematical exercises for them. Oh, very good.

But I never think of taking a bloody ball out to the park. I've never got one. And I curse myself because my kids are going to be as unco as me. Oh, my dad did not. No, that's a real mistake, Andrew. I spent a lot of time playing football as a child. I lived in London for a few years and you could not survive in that city, at least not a few of me, if you didn't play soccer.

So I constantly, every day after school, played soccer, always kicking a ball around. And I still suck. It made absolutely no difference spending all those years attempting to, be good at it. It was no good. But look, let's catch up on the news from Paris 2024 thus far after this. Magically, Andrew's audio is now better. Andrews, speak some French for us just to get it.

Let's hear the local microphone you've got going. Bonjour, with the audio, Nouveau. And now, does that sound a little bit new and fresh and better for you? Yes, because I'm now recording locally in my sexy Melbourne studio. Oh, it's set up especially for the Olympics, covering the Olympics live from Melbourne. I'm so impressed that you've managed to put a black skivie over the microphone, too, to improve the sound. That's not, that's Melbourneian and Parisian. So look, a few things have been different about Paris 2024.

I'll just run you through a few of them because I know that you may not be entirely across all of the details. I'm actually across none of them. I heard something from my mum that she didn't like Lady Gaga's performance. Right. And that's all I've heard. That's all I know. So what happened? And look, I've been, I must confess, I've been overseas on a little trip to a warm weather.

So I haven't been, I went up to Singapore for a week with my family. So haven't been paying all that much attention to the games either. But I do know a few things that have gone down. So if you want qualified commentary, go elsewhere. I think we can give unqualified commentary. So the first thing they did, Andrew, was to try and break from the past. They decided to have the opening ceremony in a completely new and different way, unlike every other one so far.

And I know you've got a quiz coming up, but I'll ask you, what do you think they did to try and make the opening ceremony different from every previous opening ceremony at an Olympics? Oh, it made it short, was it two minutes long? Wouldn't that be the innovation everyone was looking forward to? No. Just a quick, just a quick, Bonjour, and now on with the show.

The games begin. Let's just light the torch very quickly. No, no. Let the games begin. What they did, Andrew, for the first time in Olympic history, I understand, is not only was the opening ceremony not held in the stadium, so the main Olympic stadium where the athletics takes place, and that's usually the focus. It's where the torch relay ends up all that. No, they did it on the sand, the mighty river sand. Oh, yes, I've heard about this.

The boats. I've heard about the sand. The boats. The famously hygienic river. Yes, indeed. They basically the pisoire of Paris, as it's been known for so long. That's right. So they had all the boats going along on the sand. And the Chase website reported that the Australian team refused to get on the French boats and instead changed it for an orcus nuclear-powered boat going down. But this was the big thing. And it was a little bit grey and rainy. There were some raincoats brought out.

But I suppose that's a European summer for you, isn't it? You know, Melbourne, I can see the opening ceremony very similarly happening on the Yarra, which is the pissoir of Melbourne. You know, it's a filthy river, and I reckon we could chuck the athletes on some boats there. And that's really the thing missing, I think, from the sand in Paris, is there are so many beautiful historic buildings on either side. There's Notre Dame, the cathedral there. There isn't a casino. There isn't a giant casino spearing forth gas. Good point. It's a bit of an oversight of Paris.

I mean, they say that it's a fantastic city, but it doesn't have crown casino, does it? It doesn't. No, you can't sit on the seine and play the Poeke and play Queen of the Nile. Or Queen of the Sen. That's right. You can't have any river. That's right. It'd be fair to say that the opening ceremony didn't go without problems, and it wasn't just the rain. It's not every Olympics, Andrew, that the organisers apologise for the opening ceremony.

They said they were really, really sorry. There were a few mishaps. A few mishaps. One of the major ones was the fact that when they introduced South Korea, they said, here is North Korea. Well, at least there's no cultural differences that could be worried about there. Yeah, you know, they're really, really the same, aren't they? I mean, nobody would have noticed. I reckon South Koreans would very much identify with their neighbours,

their lovely, friendly neighbours in the north, and I can't see that would be much of a problem. Of course not, of course not. They're almost indistinguishable, the two countries, except for the slight matter of their political system. No, this thing went for nearly four hours, Andrew, so make sure you catch up on it. But the biggest...

Was Christopher Nolan directing, was he? Good Lord. Yes, it was... The first pitch was for a 20-minute long story, but Christopher Nolan decided that the time should shift. In fact, it's very Nolan-esque. He loves playing with time.

You know, Tenet, did you see Tenet? The one which goes back, sort of backwards and forwards at the same time, and then there's incognito, whatever it's called, the one with the... No, Memento, or the guy can't remember. I've seen Memento. Tenet, my lifespan is not long enough to watch all of Christopher Nolan's movies. No. He's the only filmmaker whose movies add up to more than the duration of an average human

lifetime when you've watched them back to back. So I haven't been able to fit them all in. So it's four hours long, I believe, but with the Nolan influence, I think actually as you're watching it, it's like in the movie Interstellar that Christopher Nolan did, another time one, they go to a planet where an hour of time passes, but you've actually lived for 40 years. I think anyone who watched it had that experience by the end. But have you heard of all the fuss over by the attempt to convey Dionysus, the Greek god of wine and pleasure?

This didn't go down well at all. Yeah, look, I did gather, I read a few cranky twist. of people trying to correct one another on their, you know, which is, and it's ropey territory. People are trying to, you know, correct their knowledge of art and history and without being armed with much knowledge. I mean, the average person can't tell the Last Supper apart from the feast of Dionysius or whatever it's supposed to be. I can't.

I can't. I don't know. And I'm a pretty, you know, I'm a pretty nerdy guy. You are. I don't know what they were going on. If they were separate Doctor Who episodes, you'd know the difference. Oh, I'd be right. across. In fact, did Doctor Who

not feature in the Paris? It's a shame they left that. Well, it's entirely possible that because we don't know the full story, he's a time traveller, of course, the doctor. So it may well be that the actor dressed as Dionysus

wearing blue paint, like a member of the Blue Man Group. He'd failed their audition and somehow placed in the middle of a plate of food. That may have been a future incarnation of the doctor. Well, I'd like to see a blue doctor. He's wearing blue I'm surprised people didn't have mistaken for a smurf. That's because that is sort of frail, Belgian.

It's as close as South and North Korea, really, isn't it? Absolutely. Same difference. And, no, but people have been offended that it was supposed to look like. They thought it was an attempt to insult the Last Supper. And I must say, from the sense that I get, Andrew, is that insulting the last supper would have been a far more interesting and kind of specific parody rather than a sort of four-hour long amateur theatre performance, which is what the opening ceremony otherwise looked like. They were trying to celebrate tolerance of different sexual and gender identities, it says, here. And they wanted to do that by having a blue dude in the middle of a plate of food, which I must say, that's very sexy for me.

That's what I, that's what gets my mother started. That's a sexual preference. That is a sexual preference right there. Absolutely. So they've apologized for that as well. And then the big reveal, the big surprise that brought a tear to everyone's eyes was the reveal of Celine Dion singing atop the Eiffel Tower. Now, now, we'd all heard that she had stiff person syndrome, which apparently is not just a made-up disease.

I know it does sound like an excuse. It does. It doesn't have more than an actual diagnosable disease. But yeah, stiff person. So it's quite as nicely symbolic for her to be standing on top of the Eiffel Tower, which is a very stiff structure. I mean, I think that is a nice resonance there. It is very much an erection in every sense, the Eiffel Tower.

It's positively penile. But now, there she was singing away. and I must say I thought we'd sort of been promised by the universe that we wouldn't get any more Celine Dion concerts I had kind of gathered she'd sort of sunk along with the Titanic and we were all quite pleased about that but apparently not

Well her heart goes on and I thought her voice was stopping but apparently her voice is going on too No no it's still and I've heard good buzz I mean I heard people raving about Celine Dion I think my mum was pleased with her Just not Lady Gaga Well there's there was another moment in the opening ceremony where they had a woman holding out a bloodied severed head who was supposed to be

Marianne Twinnett because it happened right outside the prison where Marianne Twinnett was in prison. So I don't know whether it was Lady Gaga. I haven't heard if she survived the opening ceremony actually. That's quite grim, isn't? You wouldn't do that if it was a recent politician who'd been beheaded, would you? And like if the beheading had happened six months ago, I feel that you wouldn't stand there recreating it for everybody's amusement. And, you know, you wouldn't have a sort of Donald Trump head during the sort of rifle salute, would you?

That would be very distasteful. They wouldn't do that. I think it would result in, yeah, it would result in a few more, a few extra complaints on top of the Last Supper business. The Chaser Report, news you can't trust. But nevertheless, they did get people talking about the opening ceremony. I mean, for credit to them, these things are normally so boring and so easily ignored, and it seems as though almost everybody has found something to get offended. by, whether it's just Celine Dion's presence.

I'm sorry she's had this condition, but it doesn't, it doesn't excuse her music. It doesn't make her music listenable suddenly, the fact that she's had this terrible affliction. But that seems to be what everybody's take is, though, isn't it? It's, oh, marvelous, marvelous. The singer that we all couldn't stand is back again. Yeah, but then, so on the one hand, that's annoying,

and then on the other hand, all the religious people have been offended by this last sub parody. And I love the idea that they organize as a saying, We would never disrespect a religious group. We'd never do anything a little bit racy. Come on, we're in France. The closing ceremony, as far as I'm concerned, should well be, if it isn't already, just a mass orgy. Oh, that would be just expected, wouldn't it?

I mean, it's probably one of the requirements, as if for all the athletes to have a mistress or a lover to be allowed to compete. Because you know, every single Olympics, every single Olympics, they hand out condoms, and it's always discussed by, it's always discussed hundreds of thousands of condoms. But I think the Paris Olympics is the first one where you're also given a mistress. at the same time as you're giving the condom.

It's great, this is great. I mean, my concern, too, is their love of strikes. I mean, it amazes me, really, that the judges and the venues haven't already gone on strike. Yes, well, isn't it good to see nine newspapers' staff getting into the spirit? With a strike on the eve of the games. It's very French and very Parisian.

The shommage. I think that's marvellous. And are the athletes also taking a three-hour lunch break? Because I think that's a very French thing to do. Oh, it is? It is absolutely. Sort of halfway through the 800-meter sprint They go for lunch for three hours and come back

Absolutely, and the lunch is paid for, I think, by the employer That's the other thing They give you a ticket that you can convert at the restaurant So that's fabulous Yes, they lit the torch in the end It all went ahead But, Andrew, the biggest shock and the biggest surprise And the thing that I found strangers

Was at the end of day one of competition Do you know who was on top of the medal table? Oh, I saw a headline, it was us, wasn't it? Wasn't we on top of it? But surely, I mean, I saw that headline and I thought, let me guess the only event that has been held on day one is swimming. Am I right? Is that why?

It was the overwhelming reason. I think there might have been also a canoeing gold or some other. There was some or cycling gold. Another watery thing. Yes. Of course we were ahead. I mean, you know, it's the one thing that Australians can do is swim because we have to swim away from so many hideous bloody animals.

Yes. We have to swim away from crocodiles, box jellyfish. Of course we're good swimmers. That's right. Grace Brown. Grace Brown, actually the cyclist, the woman's road time trial. But, I mean, cycling are in dangerous conditions and extreme cycling. We have no sensible cycleways in Australia. Any Australian cyclists are going to go pretty well. Right. Yeah, no, that's right. They've built those sort of two centimetre wide bike lanes through some of our cities. Yeah, it's been very good. We have to practice on those. We've got the hardest conditions in the world. Absolutely. So look, well done to her. Well done to the Aussies. I figured they should have just stopped the Olympics after after David.

one. Well, you know, that would be my preference, too. We could all move on and... Well, the closing ceremony. That's never been done. Having the closing ceremony beginning right after the opening ceremony. Yeah, right. Brisbane could get on board with that. Cancel the sport. Because the only interesting parts of it for me, really, are those two ceremonies. You know, I'd like to see them back to back. Yeah. And with no games. That would be your preference, wouldn't it? Just to have the... Yeah, well, you, surely... The forming parts. Can you buy them on a DVD? Is there a DVD of just the, just the ceremonies in the sport taken out?

It could well be. So this is what's going on. Australia is not on top of the tally anymore. I think that that's it. But it was good for a moment. They did something else other than swimming, did they? Yeah, yeah. Is that the problem?

That's a shame. That's the problem. I don't know why we don't just as a nation ignore the Olympics and only focus on the swimming world championships. I can't. Wouldn't that be a happier time? It's like the Rugby League World Cup. It's a competition where really we win by default.

What a wonderful thing that is. Yeah, no, I'm with you. The swim Olympics. is an event we should have. We've got the chance. I reckon we do well at it. Brisbane 2034. Cancel all the other events or perhaps convert them to involve swimming.

So you're cycling race. Sure, you're still cycling, but you're cycling through a pool is a swimming pool. Yeah, yeah. I'll just leave the cycle at the side of the pool, swim to the other end and be given another bicycle. That's right. The 100 metre sprint could involve a floaties, I think. Just swimming. Yep.

Yes, do it in a pool. I'd like to say, yep, the tennis. Oh, the tennis would be very... In a pool. In a pool, we'd do much better with them. A lot of these. The boxing. Well, it would be much more than, I'd much rather watch judo in a pool or boxing in a pool than the non-de-water.

Underwater judo, it'd be superb. Beach volleyball. Well, we'd kill it. Yeah. The Aussies would absolutely kill it. I think it'd be brilliant. So that's a tip for the Brisbane Olympics. But, I mean, the last thing to mention, Andrew, we'll do your quiz about the past Olympics tomorrow if you'd be so kind as to...

Yes, I think we should. I think we should. Yes, look, I think we've... We can't fit a quiz in. No, no. We'll do it tomorrow. Is the, the biggest story that broke as the games began is that this coordinated attack on all the French railways. And so talking about strikes and so on, four or five of the country's high-speed rail lines were taken out by fires.

Just before the start of the games, deliberately lit. Yeah. What were they thinking? Do you think? Were they chefs? France is very keen on cooking. Were they sort of, you know, flambating? Diggestation or...

A progressive digestation where we had to go around all each of the major rail station. Isn't it? Well, I don't know. I didn't read the details but I did notice the story about it. Was it something to do with the torch relay?

Did that go hideously wrong? No. No, it was a political protest. The great thing is that it really hasn't been reported what the point of it was. So I think that's a wonderful thing to do. It's just when you're covering a giant

kind of act of protest like this, it's very inconvenient for everybody. Don't mention what the point is. Well, that'll teach them. weren't it? I mean, because that's what the protesters would like, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah, malicious sabotage, apparently, is what it was. Yeah, yeah. Well, you know,

I think in most parts, not just France, most parts of Europe, they'd like to have a good protest, do they? They do. They're out protesting, so we could have foreseen this, I feel. Maybe they were protesting in favour of protesting, just to remind everybody. I've been protesting against the presence of Celine Dion.

They might have heard that she was about to open a mouth and sing. Oh, goodness. Now, one last question for you, me though, speaking of the news, what on earth was Snoop Dog doing as part of the torch relay? I saw news stories saying that he was there carrying the torch. Are you across this? I knew he was going there. There was talk of him being in the commentary team, I think, at one point.

I'm not sure about that. No, but he was actually taking, he was seen. I'm just checking this. This is something I missed. I think he thought it was a giant bong. Is that what it was? So did you think it was, that's so little lit up, and Snoop's like, you know, give me some of that. Yeah, give me some of that shit.

Yeah, but that does explain us. He looks good. I had wondered. He is the only theory, he looks all right. I mean, the only theory I had read is that some NBC TV executives thought that Snoop Dogg would attract a younger audience. Well, that's, he would. He would. He would.

He must be his 50s. Surely he's at his 50s. He's the healthiest rapper going. No, I'm not. sure, but I assume that you shouldn't really have commentators carrying the torch relation, do you I mean? Did we really want Bruce McAvaney

kind of commentating himself as he brings the... Oh, it's a wonderful torch. I'm lighting it up now. Oh, it's just fabulous. The torchbearer doing a wonderful job. I feel it's a conflict of interest. I do. How can you independently enthuse ridiculously about the torchbearer if you're

the torchbearer? All right. Okay, well, I'm looking forward to your quiz, Andrew. Let's do that tomorrow, shall we? Let's. Let's. All right. Olympic quizzing tomorrow. Tomorrow it's going to be a quiz about Olympic mishaps. The worst Olympic mishaps will be testing your knowledge of stuff-ups and disasters through Olympic history. And I just did one because by making the joke that Snoop was lighting up a giant, blunt time,

made the same joke as the Daily Mail. Oh, don't me. Yeah, put me in the quiz for tomorrow, Andrew. I'll catch you then. See you then. That's disappointing. Our gears remote are part of the icon class network. Catch you tomorrow.