The Chaser Report - They May Take Our Lives, But They'll Never Take Our Substack

Episode Date: June 16, 2025

Charles discovers he is never going to make it past American border security, and then Dom realises the same. However are they going to do a United States Chaser Podcast Tour now? ---Follow us on Instagram: @chaserwarSpam Dom's socials: @dom_knightSend Charles voicemails: @charlesfirthEmail us: [e-mail] our caviar addiction: https://chaser.com.au/support/ Send complaints to: [e-mail] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gadigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report with Dom and Charles. Charles, I have such a great idea for the podcast. Now, I know that you've had your Wankanomics has been very successful. It's selling out in the UK, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah. But what about the Chaser Report?

Yes. US tour. We play big venues across the start. I don't know if you're all listening in the States, if you're all listening in the States, email us now at podcast at chaser.com. But we go over there, we take America. Yes. We spend a few months just betting ourselves in.

We go to Washington, D.C., do some U.S. politics episodes. And we do, we get into the nitty gritty on, you know, Gaza and Palestine and Israel, Iran. Abuse of power, U.S. Supreme Court. Yes. We can actually embed ourselves in Los Angeles and see if we get shot by Rob Bullets. We ask the difficult questions of officials. That's right. Yeah, we stick microphones in their faces and we say, answer me.

Old chaser style, you know, that sort of like really... Confront the powerful. Yeah, just, you know, put your... Because, you know, land of the free. Yeah, they've got the First Amendment. Yes. Free speech is sacrosanct in the US. Charles, I've got a story for you just after this about the time when I saw at the US border

just how powerful and inviolable free speech is in the US. It's just a wonderland. Oh, great. So, Charles, long story short, we'll get to some of the topical news shortly. But once upon a time, I was arrested while I was filming a chaser stunt. Was that APEC? It's a long story, no, it wasn't APEC. I was part of the APEC follow-up where we came with cardboard boxes just to see if there was any motorcade that they, we had cardboard box cars.

Did you get through? No, they successfully identified. So it was me, Chris and Craig, the three people who hadn't been arrested and therefore hadn't been told to leave the area. I think we then were Don't believe the area Anyway, so no Long story short There was a street

And was the idea That your cardboard Motorcade was from New Zealand or something No, it was still Canadian The idea was They didn't pick the motorcade with cars Let's see how shit the security is Will they stop a cardboard box car motorcade

I don't know whose idea that was It was a funny idea Anyway Okay so another time I was filming at Burwood Local Court Long story short You got to tell the story But it's a good yard

Haven't I told it in the war story story's thing? Anyway, so I got arrested. And the point is, you were, well, you weren't streaking. No, I wasn't streaking. I was filming. It was Andrews. Julian and Andrew streaked Burwood Local Corps. In support of streakers who'd been arrested with

Vodafone logos on their buttox. It's a long convoluted story. The Vodafone streakers, yes. It's quite a chilling story in some cases. The original context is very dark. Let's not get into that. Look it up online if you want about why there was streakers. Anyway, yeah, you're right. Anyway, point being, we were there. I was filming.

I was filming and we got arrested. And as a result of that, me, Julian and our camera room, Brad Howard, who we've worked with a lot and you're still working with, I know, Charles, found ourselves locked up in the police station behind sort of perspex. It was quite shocking. We were literally detained, like, in a cell for about 40 minutes. And my life flashed before my, all this, that sort of stuff. Yeah, yeah.

The regrets. Sort of the Nelson Mandela of Australia. Very much so. Yeah, very much so. at 0.00.1% of the time. Anyway, so there I was, locked up. Sort of a bit like Navalny? Yeah, I know why the Cagebird sings, basically.

Eventually let out. But as a result of that, I have to get a visa to go to the US because I've been arrested. It's the only place. I got a section 10, no conviction recorded. It's not a problem. But the US asks whether you've ever been arrested. And so I, have I made this whole podcast about me? Anyway, so I say yes.

And so I've got to get the visa. So ironically, you then get six months rather than three months if you get a visa. So you get more time there once they've proved you. You've got to go to the consulate, tell the story. I get to look like a dick every time. Yeah. But then one time, Charles, I was at LAX, the first time after this happened. And the immigration guy was saying, why have you got a visa when you're from Australia?

And I had to tell him the story. Yeah. And as I was telling him the story, he got more and more angry. And I'd just come off a 13-hour flight, whatever it was. I was exhausted. I was really worried I wasn't going to be led into the US. Why was he angry? And he just got more and more angry.

Why? And then I was just going, anyway, so I haven't had a conviction recorder. And he said, what? That's wrong. That's free speech, man. You can't be arrested for filming a TV show. That's right. It's completely on my side.

They can take our guns. They can take, you know, they can't take our, but they can't take our right to film a TV show. So it's like reality television mean not big compromised. about the state. Yeah. So that gave me an appreciation of how robust the American love of free speech is. Yes. Surely Charles,

nothing's happened in the last 24 hours that would suggest otherwise. Well, funny, you should say that because Alistair Kitchen, who's a blogger from Melbourne. Are there still bloggers? Yeah. Wow. Well, substat, you know. Okay, yeah, yeah. Was turned back from L.A. Airport.

Sorry, for something that he wrote. Like, for something he wrote. As for his speech, for an opinion that he held. Yes, for writing about the university protests at Columbia. Right. And his views on the Israel-Gaza war. Okay. Which were pro-ante, which side was he on?

Well, I don't know, because actually one of the, oh, he covered pro-Palestinian rallies on campus on his personal blog. So he just described that they existed? The officer that detained me said explicitly to me, the reason that we have detained you is because of what you, you have written on the internet about the protests at Columbia. So, but aren't there news reports that point out that they were protests in Colombia? It's just not a thing that...

Well, no, no, but the mistake he made was that he wrote what he thought of Israel, what he thought of Palestine, and what he thought of Hamas. Oh, he gave some opinions. And what I thought of the student protests, which I don't... Is that covered by the First Amendment? Yeah, Fox News. You know, you can have an opinion.

You can have an opinion. As long as the opinion's fair and balanced. The correct opinion. Maybe it's the problem that he had... He was then asked whether he had Jewish friends and Muslim friends. Oh. Well, there's a mistake if you've got Muslim friends. Well, I don't think the First Amendment applies to Friends, does it? Yeah. Oh, and

he was also asked, oh my God, this is the best detail ever. He was asked how I would resolve the conflict in the Middle East. They're just looking around. I must say. Maybe his answer I'm impressed by that. Maybe his answer just wasn't good enough. He didn't come up with the solution. So, sorry,

you're not needed him. I like that if he'd managed to solve it, that would have welcomed him in and taken him straight to the White House to tell Donald Trump what the solution was because yeah no one seems to know the solution so I think at the point where they're just casting around to Melbourne bloggers yeah at the point where um everyone who's got a sub stack yeah oh my god can you imagine get AI to look through every substack and try and find an opinion can you just get that going in the background no but at the point where they're saying to you how would you solve the Middle East conflict yes you know you're not

you know you're not getting in. There is a question that literally has no answer that will work. But also, isn't the point, you know, like if you're asked, do you have any Jewish friends and you go, oh, I've got plenty of Jewish friends, it doesn't that immediately make you anti-Semitic? You know, like isn't the whole point that Andy Semites have always used, oh, I've got tons of Jewish friends as a justification. Yeah, but I've got Jewish friends. Yeah, exactly. Possibly have said this thing that I said. It's a trick question. Oh, that is a trick question. What about if you've got Muslim friends? Oh, well, I think that just means you're a terrorist, doesn't it?

I mean, the poor, he must have been absolutely shitting bricks. I was pretty stressed at the border just with that guy who, you know, five minutes later was a big fan of mine. Well, this is the problem, though. He then agreed to give, like, he handed over his phone, and then he agreed to give the passcode of his phone to the officer. He actually says in hindsight he should have just at that point gone, fuck this. I'm going home.

I'm going home. But that's an interesting thing because he, because the point where the passcode, I mean, it's a very intrusive research. What's your past code, by Charles? Okay. But imagine, like, all the fights I've had me with my wife on the text messages. Imagine them reading through that. Well, what are they fine when they look through his phone?

Well, I presume, you know, fights with his wife. Because, I mean, I know people who have been traveling to the US. So what they... And they've had burner phones. And look, fair enough. And I think he did actually scrub his Instagram and things like that. But he did it too late. He did it within 40 hours.

of travel and apparently it's too that that's too one's the esther kicks in their search for you and he was saying actually this morning that actually it's sort of palanteer level shit that was going on like they knew everything about him so the database had just put together a whole profile yeah a profile which included stuff that that's great but no but the thing that they found on his phone was he'd obviously he was heading to new york and he i think he used to live there yeah it's been six years living in new york and he and he uh He obviously had talked, you know, back when he was living in New York, about smoking dope, which is, of course, legal in New York.

Right, so that wouldn't be a problem, because it's legal? But he'd ticked on the form that he was not a drug user. Oh. And what they call the Prince Harry exception. The illegal drug use. Illegal drug use, it is still illegal federally to smoke dope, even if it's not illegal at a state little. So no one's allowed into America

So every American who leaves America Who's ever smoked weed It's not allowed to back in Is that what I'm here? Well, especially if you're going to be consistent If they're going to be consistent If you tick the box If you tick the box

Oh but rules are different for US citizens Not for allies You know like You gotta like I suppose if you But isn't the whole point That if you do anything You need you know So this guy's been detained

For expressing an opinion And for legally smoking wet And Dom I have to bring you To the most chilling detail Right. Alastair Kitchen is white. Right. So we're not talking about detaining, you know, Sam...

Sorry. Sorry, how white? He's pretty... Like, is he as white as you? He's pasty. Like, you're a ginger. No, he's like ginger level white? Yeah, he's got like sort of, I'd say, you know, that sort of pink splotchiness that you get on

your face when you're really white? Yeah, because I once, at a time when I was had a heavy beard, I got a really thorough security search once on a flight between bizarrely, Japan and Chong. but it was North West Airlines because you were mistaken for not white I looked I think I looked at a little ethnic At that point Yeah because I'm pretty hairy

Yeah hairy than most white guys No he's quite clean shave And he's got a little sort of tiny stubble Which just looks sort of Because he's only 33 It actually just looks cute If it potentially He's sort of actually good looking white person

If it impacts us Charles Well and indeed a good looking white people as well What does Yeah well they deserve what's coming to them But yeah this could actually No, this is See, this is the whole point Sorry, can we take an ad break?

I just want to just let this sink in. The Chaser report News you can't trust. So this is actually Sammy Shah's point Which is, because I asked Sammy Shar about a month ago What he thought of all the immigration crackdown in the US And he said, It's just, it's now, the reason why it's making headlines

Is because it applies now to white people as well. You know, like ground people have had it for years. that, you know, you have to scrape. He said every time I go overseas, I scrape my social media, I take a burner phone. Like, that's just de rigour. That's just normal. It's just normal.

Oh, my gosh. You get picked on, you get taken aside, you get asked questions about your beliefs, like whether you're friends with people and stuff of that. It's certainly true that the security screenings through going through airports, which I know are random in Australia, let's just say the members of my family

who are less white than me, do you tend to get screened a little bit more than I do, through the random process. It's very randomly. So random. Random. Anyway, right. So, well, Charles, I mean, let me just think, for this tour that I want to do,

what's going to happen if they look through your socials? Well, but also we run the chaser. Like, this is the problem that, like, James and I are actually literally confronting, which is we had sort of decided we wanted to take Wankanomics to the US. And because our book is launching there in November. Oh, and that's another strike. Well, you've never made it. Imagine writing a book.

Yeah, writing a book. You've never made any jokes or comments about Donald Trump. Didn't you call the election for Trump? You should tell them. You're the first to call it on national TV. I should take a burner phone and that be the only video on the phone. Yeah. So if they put Charles, let's see, Charles Firth, Donald Trump, let's see.

But we've just gone, and we keep talking to American promoters and they go, and they go, it'll be fine, you know, it's just, you know, and you're going, I don't think it would be fine. Like, I feel like if one thing that we can't do is cover up the fact that we are actually publishing the Chaser and the shovel and putting out jokes about Donald Trump, which, as you know, is like possibly the worst thought crime you can commit in the United States. Trump's. Like, what's the latest headline on the Chaser website? I don't know. I don't read the Chase website.

What are you talking about? Why would I do that? Trump now supports Genesis. of some white South Africans. That's true. That would actually... Actually, they'd read the Chase and they'd go, oh, this is a serious...

This is a Fox News style service. Yeah, that could be good. What you need to do is re-brand the Chase website as Australian Fox News. That wouldn't be that hard, but a lot of the headlines are... Yeah, so lean in. Lean in. Just assume that they won't notice the sarcasm.

It's the cover-up that always gets you. Lean-in, like, that's the mistake that Alistair Kitchen made is instead of scrubbing your social media he should have gone in and gone yeah yeah so can't you say the chase is baby in australia you and say that they don't understand the jokes yes i mean that might work um okay so look i looked up charles firth trump um yeah it's nothing too bad yeah in google what about charles firth uh israel it's still got it's still got um okay no link to you're done what yeah it's from the shot it's uh it's a bit critical of israel charles i don't think

Oh, shit, yeah. Yeah, the shot. You're the founder of the shot. Oh, the fucking shot. Yeah, yeah, you've got a lot of people's opinions writing. Aren't you the publisher of the shot? Yes. Like, literally, technically the person responsible for the content.

That's what? This is the mistake you made. We're starting a serious spin-off. Oh, can you say it's all parody? Well, yes. Why don't you just change the shot banner so that says the shot brackets for any Americans reading. This is parody.

Yeah. Democracy lives in darkness. Yeah, we have a slogan. We have opposite views. used everything written here. But also the shot, I feel like the shot, oh, it's a gun blog. That's good. That's good.

Yeah, yeah. And you go, oh, yeah, cool. Yeah, now, this is the point where I recall a decision I once made, which proved to be very, very, very bad commercially. Yeah. It was my attempt to crack the American market. I wrote a book called Trumpedia. I wrote an entire book about Donald Trump. Oh, no.

I cataloged all of his early. It was a lot of fun. All of his early business failures. There were so many things. no one knows about that are hilarious. Like the time he literally sold P-P sticks for mail order. Every entry is a thought crime. Every entry, I think so.

But it's funny. I remember being very funny. It was funny. Because I did all this research. Yes, it was a really well-researched book. And no one wanted... Did it sell? No, it did terribly because everyone was so sick of books about Trump.

Yes, of course. Also, I don't think the name was very good. One of your better books. No, it was. I found up all this hilarious stuff Like the reason why His casinos I should do a whole episode on

The reason why his whole casinos went under Because we're doing weekend editions Have we announced that? We haven't announced that yet No no No but we're going to do weekend editions We should do a weekend edition episode Oh there's so much stuff like that

Where you read out some of your Trump entries Trumpopedia entries There are at least 10 or so hilariously ridiculous businesses That he once ran that you failed Well the mail or the stakes There's a mail order stakes

There's a male or stakes, it's good, but there's a whole lot of other son. Anyway, the point being, I'm not getting into America, I don't think any time soon, which is quite sad. I suppose the point is, would you want to go? Like, maybe, maybe this whole story has been cast wrong. This has been cast as a story of like, oh, poor, Alistair Kitchen. Yeah, yeah. But maybe the point is, what a fuck knuckle, why the fuck was he going to the US? Hasn't he read the news?

Hasn't he seen everything? It may have saved his life, Charles. not being allowed into the United States. Exactly. It's not a real safe place to go. The guards were protecting them. They were. They did him a favour.

Yeah, because, you know, I don't want to get all serious for Rome, but my brother went there a few years ago. He had this really fun project. He's an artist. He did this big project out the front of a hotel in L.A. Yeah. That was the first mistake. Yeah.

Really fun week. Had a great time. It was sort of very fancy. Yeah. And the following week, someone went into the foyer of the hotel and shot people dead. Like, literally days after he left, the same hotel. So those are the odds you're dealing with, just going to the US. We should get Nick Bryant on the podcast, because he left America.

And I was talking to his wife, actually, about why they left, right? Because they lived there. Oh, yes, we've been talking about getting him on for years. For 23 years. He wrote... That's another weekend edition. Yeah, he does ABC Radio National on Saturday. Yeah, Saturday Extra.

Great show. But he's... It's no Saturday breakfast on Radio Sydney, but anyway, yeah. But they've got fairly young kids. And as they were going through school, it got to the point where by about year four or year five, they started doing hurricane training. Oh, really? So it wasn't even the active shooter drills that broke them? No, it was hurricane training.

And the wife was going, in what universe would there be hurricanes in New York? That's not. And then they realized, oh, their hurricane emergencies, because it was sort of like get under the seat and lock the door. And it was like, it was warm up. active shooter drills. By about the age of seven or eight, they then introduced the idea of, oh, there's an intruder.

We're doing a drill round of intruders. Because you've just got to, and then suddenly the kids start dreaming about active shooters in your school and stuff like that. And it's just terrifying. And so every American grows up with this being forced into their imagination each day

as they do active shooter drills and things like that. And anyway, so they were living in Brooklyn and it was like how many, how many shootings are in Brooklyn anyway. So she looked up for her district how many mass shootings they'd been in the district in the past year.

23. 23 mass shootings. She had no idea. But it's so common that if it's two or three people dying. A significant proportion of that probably was kombucha rage in Brooklyn. It might not be a usual situation. But even so. If you serve the wrong kombucha

and it ends up in gunshots, that's still scary. This is a badly poured espresso soy latte. Yeah, I mean, it's still, these things still end in bullets. No, but look, there's, I mean, look at all the stuff that's just happening there. So, in other words, I'm going to have to say, Charles, I think the tour's off. I think the Chase Report's going to have to leave taking America for another period in its history.

Oh, damn. We should, like, try something, like, we should warm up by taking, like, Canbro or something. Yeah, and I think what we should do is maybe we'd be like, those sort of pirate radio stations. You know, like Radio Free America, which broadcast it into the Soviet Union behind the fine curtain. Maybe we do that with the Chase River,

or we have a sort of US edition, you know, radio free chaser. Well, it can be, yeah, radio free chaser. I like that. Yeah. And it just... As long as people don't think it's radio chaser, which was quite a different show. You know what I mean?

No, I do. I like that. But couldn't you just call it Radio Free America? But with the opposite meaning, it's to America rather than from me. America? Radio Free America. Yeah, yeah. Okay. I mean, all they could watch, um, planet America, but that doesn't seem like a good idea. No, that's a terrible idea. We know more, don't we?

Okay, so poor Alistair. Poor Alistair. Maybe we get him on the podcast. Oh, no, we don't want to be associated. He's finished. He's done. Yeah. That's a, he's a thought criminal. We're part of the iconic class network. And we both love America. Yep. We really do. And the flag and whoever the president of the day may be. Yes, which would be Trump. Is that the most recent, is that sufficiently recent for Palantir? We also love Palantir Corporation.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. I mean, Petitiel. What a guy. What a guy. Yeah.