The Chaser Report - This Episode Is Cooked | Vic Zerbst & Jenna Owen

Episode Date: September 13, 2022

From cooked merchandise ideas to cooked dinners in LA, this episode has nothing in it that isn't absolutely fried. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gadigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is the Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to the Chaser Report for Wednesday the 14th of September. I'm Charles Firth and with me today again is Andrew Hansen. Hello Charles Furth and hello to you. How's things? How's things in L.A. good? Yeah, it's all right. Well, you know, Christmas is coming soon.

No, so the thing that sort of is problematic, and not problematic for me, because I'm very sober nowadays, I'm very straight-laced, very boring, in fact. But, you know, I'm here with other people, and they're young, and they're excited, and they're, and, you know, some of them are single and things like that. And what they have noted this time round is that there is a very big lack of party drugs in LA. In LA, really? Yeah, the whole of LA has been. taken over by marijuana, which is actually a very boring drug.

And so normally when you used to come here, apparently, I wouldn't know anything about this, but, you know, like there'd be lots of sort of cocaine and speed and, you know, I don't know, uppers. Yeah, yeah. MDMI. Like, MDMA is a big thing. And so far, no one has found any, like, no one does that anymore. None of that there is anymore.

Yeah. How interesting. It's all, it's all, you know. what are they called, sort of edibles and downers. And the problem is that then all the staff, like all the service staff, are on a stoned all the time as well. So the whole city is just full of really slow, boring people.

There's a sleepy town now, L.A. Yeah. How interesting. Yes, exactly. That has changed. Because I remember when you and I visited L.A., you know, when we were young, I always remember that when we first arrived, we're getting this cab from the airport.

I don't know if you remember this. and the taxi driver was recommending stuff that he thought two young guys might want to do. Do you remember that? And his first suggestion, his first suggestion was he said, you know what they have that's really great is jelly wrestling. Why didn't you go on, would you guys like to check out the jelly wrestling? And we were these two nerdy arts graduates, you know.

We had no interest in jelly wrestling. But that was a thing. I remember, though, him pointing out the, was that in LA, near the airport, there was a strip joint. And remember the sign? It said, nude, all nude, nudes. Yes, that's fine. I just remember that. I just remember. I can't figure out, do they have clothes on or are they nude?

No, we said three times. Yeah, it's great. But it kind of reminds me that those kind of, that is the sales technique, though, isn't it? It's like, shoes, shoes. For as little as five dollars You've got to say it three times Because it's not interesting If you only had a sign that said nudes

People would walk on by But if you have a sign It's nudes All nude nudes People stop And in their tracks And they're nude Yeah

Just to distinguish it from the You know Nude Semi nude Clothed people I'm like that's right Yes Well

I'm sad that it's changed Charles Yeah Today on the show though We are going to talk about Christmas, because we're sick of the Royals. We don't want to talk about the Royals anymore, and instead we're going to talk about something else that is going to clog your consciousness for the next few months,

even no matter how hard you try to escape it. So that'll be right after the break. Thank you for your patience. Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore? Fizz is 100% online, so you can make the switch in minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply.

Details at fizz.ca. The Chaser report. Less news. Less often. Yes, and you can avoid those ad breaks by going through chaser.com. com.com slash podcast and subscribing. Now is the time when the chaser has to decide on what all its merchandise is for Christmas. Now, Andrew, you've only ever sort of done the creative, interest.

comedy side of the chaser haven't you yeah i haven't thought of merch no i must say i haven't i'm interested to hear you talk about it after after dissing the sponsors of your podcast so roundly there but i mean aren't you supposed to say something like something positive like and for an ad-free version of the podcast why not subscribe whereas you know where as you say and to avoid listening to those inconvenient and horrible advertisements and now you're going to flog your stuff i mean well uh it No, no, because we haven't decided on what it's going to be yet. So I want to brainstorm with you and our listeners and see if they've got any good ideas.

Because actually the key to making money in comedy is not to making comedy, it's to making merch and sell it Christmas. Yeah. Because the thing that you realize is everyone's whole, like if you release a product for nine months of the year, like sort of January till about September, then it's got to be a good product to be able to move. But then from October to December, it just has to be something that some shithead might like.

Ah, yes. And that solves a problem for people to buy. Yes, just anything at all. And so you don't really need to launch anything good. So in that vein, let me run you through some of the ideas that we've got for Christmas, including a couple that we've already commissioned. Because, of course, like all, highly ethical institutions we commission all our products from China so we get a whole

of cheap ship from China and ship it over but yeah so the and this is the one that I'm most proud of so and I've already commissioned quite a lot of them so tell me if this is a good idea or not what is it which is you know the last few years we've sold beach towers and they've gone very well and I was trying to think what are some other products that you can buy for an Australian summer that people might want to want to buy, right? I have commissioned

a factory in China to build us a whole lot of avocados about my height they're a little bit higher than me maybe like two metres tall avocado flotation pool toys

right and this is the fun thing right? So it's a massive oversized avocado and the pip the brown pip is the size of a ball like a beach ball and it comes out

so you can play with the so you can put the avocat you can float in the avocado and then you can also take out the ball and play with it first of all how does this not already exist I know how does it not exist pull inflatables come in

but secondly what the what the hell has that got to do with the chaser no because it's all to do with marketing, right? Which is that it's going to be sold as the perfect gift for millennials and Gen Zs who don't own their own home. Like, don't own your own home, that's all right. Here, have an avocado, you know, because you can't afford a house.

The potential flaw in this plan is that if you don't own a home, then you don't have a fucking pool. I mean, I hate to burst your inflatable avocado, child, but I, I don't. I just think this might be a fatal flaw in the thing. Fuck! Ah, fuck. Yes. Otherwise perfect.

Otherwise perfect. I mean, what about other merchandise for millennials? What about a dining table? Or perhaps a four-post a bed to put in the house that you don't own. Sorry, it's just got people wondering. This is crazy. We're hearing Charles saying, fuck, fuck, fuck! I'm all the way into the living room.

Well, hello, it's good to see. that's uh that's good to see you i'll just um i'll just give her the head i'll stand over the headphones too what's going on hello vick um how are you look what's going on is we're trying to record a podcast uh about charles's hairbrained ideas for for merchandising to make money at christmas now are you he says everyone stoned are you stoned i'm not stoned but i could be you know i can i tell you the absolute truth i just had dinner at this house in LA and we just had we just had the best time we had the best time and we went off and we're now just we're not even thinking about merchandise but if you want to start thinking about merchandise

what do you think about these tiny bikinis these tiny bikinis yes yeah and is there any more is there any more than that or is that it just just tiny bikinis ideas what do you think Jenna oh hi Jenna Jenna Jenna's here too hello Jenner Jen is here too did Vic tell you about this house yeah Vic said you've been at his house And now she's thinking of merchandising tiny bikinis. Oh, I think, yeah, tiny bikinis. I think the less they show, the better. I think the less they cover, the better is.

And they should say, we drank Brad Pitt's wine. We drank Brad Pitt's wine from his vineyard that Angelina Jolie sold. And then we said we love his rosé and we drank Brad Pitt's rosé. Let me tell you something. Before I went to this house, I was pro Angelina. By the time I left, I said, no. Why? How did she turn you against?

And that's going to be bleeped out. Bleep that out. But what I think is important is that Brad Pitt has a beautiful rosé and that he should sell tiny bikinis that have chaser on them. You heard it here first. We got cooked up. A d'I. It's 100%.

What happened was she would run out of one alcohol and then she would go, and Jenna and Vic, you'll have another drink. And let me tell you what we went from, a buttery chardonnay to Brad Pitt's rosé. to verve And they said Unfortunately we only have verb left And we drank it So what I'm saying to you

Andrew Hansen Is that you should make a tiny bikini That says Chaser on one Chach No it should say CHA on one hand CHA and one

TIT And then the other tit it should say SERR SERR What if it says The Chaser on one tit And it says The Company on that

That's going to be Wait, have you rebranded as the chase of the company? It's got to be very short word. Okay. Look, I want to know why Brad Pitt has made a rosé. Is it made in his backyard? Look, I think this is very much a... Well, goodbye.

I think this is a very good warning kids against... Against drinking too much alcohol. It's a big warning that it don't go. to shit of his house in LA, I think. Thank you for your patience. Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore. FIS is 100% online, so you can make the switch in minutes.

Mobile plans start at $15 a month. Certain conditions apply. Details at FIS.ca. The Chaser Report. More news. Less often. Well, I thought their merch ideas were absolutely terrific. Okay, well, I kind of feel like that sort of, like, should I run you through, because

you obviously don't like the Avigato idea. No, I don't. Can I just run you, I'll just run you through a couple more. Tell me some other ideas. Okay. Okay, we're doing a, we're doing a carry-on backpack, like a really nice carry-on backpack in black. Oh, yes. Just with the Qantas logo, and on the thing it says, all my other bags got lost by the airline.

Quintas. Do you mean Qantas or Qantas? Quantas. Because, you know, like copyright law and everything. Oh, I see, I see. It's okay, okay. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's like a parody.

Okay, okay, that's, I don't mind that. I don't mind that. People would wear that on board. And it'd be great if everybody on the whole plane. Yeah, yeah, exactly. It would be cheeky. No, but if you did that, Qantas would just lose them all. So you get it.

Yeah. And then, I don't know. See, this is the problem. I need more, like I need some monies. monarchy-themed merch ideas because the queen's dead I kind of feel like

we can hijack market the whole dead queen what about the sausagey fingers of the king I mean I think you could get a whole lot of Frankfurt like a can of Frankfurt's is pretty cheap right

and you just brand them as Prince Charles's fingers or they could be the they could be the pool toy yes Prince Charles's finger and you wouldn't even they wouldn't have

to be a floatation to it. There'd literally be Prince Charles's fingers and you'd just float on them. They'd be large enough and swollen enough. Yes, yes, get them shipped over.

I like that. I like that a lot. And then maybe maybe the last thing is we just sell some of Brad Pitt's wine. He might already be doing that himself, Charles.

Oh, is that a thing? Well, I don't know if they're talking. I mean, do they mean it's literally wine that he made? Or does he own a vineyard or something like that? Do you know, I mean, what are the,

Look, I... They've left, so we can't ask. I think what it is, is that he brought some wine over to Jackie Weaver's house. And so they were drinking. Oh, and it was left behind. Yeah. Right. See, this is what it's like in LA.

Just every second person you bump into is an A-lister. That's how it works. Yeah. I can see that. I can see you hanging around with lots of A-listers. Write this very minute, Charles. Yeah. Is it in your little room there?

In my little room. Nobody else in your podcasting equipment brought from. Australia. Why isn't Brad Pitt sitting here doing the podcast with you? Well, he probably was. I probably just missed him. He should be. You know what I mean?

Yeah. That's how it works here. I know. And you don't, you know, we were hanging out at Chateau Mamat. Now, we didn't see any celebrities there. But that doesn't mean they weren't there. They probably just left, you know. They might have been in the loo, you know, or just.

Yes. Or in the shed. Apparently, the actual glamorous place, there's a shed that you go to, if you're Renee Leicester. Honestly. Really? You're going to the shed. Yes.

Yes, yes. There's a shed just down a bit near the Chateau Mommon, which is actually the really glamorous place. Wow. Okay. You're not supposed to know. See if you can score an invite to the shed. I think, I wonder if it's like one of those men's sheds.

Get in there. Yes, they all turn up depressed. 65 year old men. Only celebrities looking for some comfort. There's the Hollywood. is destroyed it's a shithole nobody's making any independent movies anymore

and then they see all these men sitting in the shed and go well at least our lives aren't as bad as that I'm always worried about men's sheds because I know the idea of it is that most people think that a shed is the most single the single most desirable place that every man

wants to be every man on earth wants to be in a shed at all times I think that's the thinking behind a men's shed but I'm not a practical man I don't like building things I feel uncomfortable and nervous about it I hate sheds I hate them

they're full of spiders they're awful places But also it's very weird To send a whole lot of depressed men Into a place Where there's lots of Sharp implements that you can use To kill yourself with

And rafters You know And rope Yeah that's right And hooks I mean What are they thinking It shouldn't be a men's shed

It should be a place a man likes to, you know, for me it would be like a, you know, a men's restaurant or a men's theater. That would be a nice place for me to go. I don't want to go to his shed. God. Okay, well, thank you for that. Are you going to turn up tomorrow? Are we going to have some more of you for the rest of the week? Well, yes, yes.

I'm booked in, you know, to record. Yeah. the next time we record. Yeah, okay, great. And I have a feeling, and this is a bit of good news for our listeners, which is, I believe Dom might be out for the whole of this week. Great. See, that's even...

Well, I'm definitely in for the next record. The only reason I was humming and a-ring was I wasn't sure if Dommy was going to be in. But now that he's... If he's not here, I'm in. Well, I will see you tomorrow. Our gear is from Road, and we're part of the ACAST Creator Network. Catch you tomorrow. Catch you tomorrow.

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