The Chaser Report - THROWBACK: When MilkRun Died | LIVE

Episode Date: June 28, 2023

This episode is for the 29th of June, and that'll do. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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As we are poured in, Charles Firth, Dom Knight, Floyd, Alexander Hunt, and fresh from a 40% win rate on Would I Lie to You? you, Chris Taylor. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Podcasting motherfuckers! Hello and welcome to The Chaser

Report for Wednesday the 29th of June. How is everyone today? They're even better than when you ask them in rehearsal. So what are we, What is the, oh, I'm the fucking first, um, segment, I love it. 10 seconds into the podcast, the veneer of professionalism just drops off. If we were doing this in the studio, we'd go back and do a take two.

We're not doing a take two, Charles. So many instructions for you guys is if you're going to be the problem, when he fucked up. I can't believe, I was there going, I wonder who's turn it is to drop in here. If anyone's got advice for Charles, do you want to give a warm up for Charles? Lachlan, do you want to stand up and just do a separate one on one session with Charles Perth? Okay, you can all fuck off. Right. So, okay, so we're going to do a news quiz on this Wednesday morning.

Nice thing to kick off the week. Very Tony Delroy. My references will all be that old tonight. The first, well, actually, Dom used to run the news quiz, didn't he? Were you Tony Delroy briefly? I used to work with Tony Delroy on ABC Radio. Superannuation will dominate our first day. That's a literal quote I got said in the studio with me on the evening show every day, every week for four years.

What's the opposite of a Ford promote, sort of Ford demote? A Ford back slightly away from the podcast, yeah. So, well, I thought the first topic that we're going to talk about in the news quiz is fast delivery apps. Has anyone used, you know, like milk run and volley and send? Has anyone used those? Oh, yes, you have. Yes, right. You can hear you tell by the lack of enthusiasm.

They've all used them. They've kind of been in the news, haven't there? Because I live just too far away for any of them to reach. I think you kind of need to live either in the CBD or in Surrey Hills to gain access to any of them. I know, yeah, yeah. But apparently, Clebe, Clebe has them. I bought rats during the pandemic on those things. I was the one person.

You know Clebe already had rats. In the whole sewer down there. Milk Run is really good I use Milk Run all the time That's how I get my dinner, groceries, everything And Milk Run's meant to be the only one that's surviving And the others are falling over Because their capital, their venture capitalism is all running out

So Send Collapsed last week Return to Sender Volley this week A couple of days ago Decided to sack half its staff All their staff went to Milk Run within 10 minutes Yeah, very efficient But when I used Milk Run

I was amazed. I agree with you. It was the most amazing. I was having to self-isolate or something it was a few months ago. And the promise is that it'll be there in 10. Not because of COVID. We just got the shits with it. Yeah, yeah. And it fucked up the warm-up. Charles, you do 14 days.

I was too boring. You know, and then they said, oh, it'll be here in 10 minutes and I just ordered a whole of stuff. And it was there in 10 minutes. And it doesn't really cost that much more either. No. And you sort of go, how does this make money. Do you know the answer? I actually covered this today on

radio. Every single time they deliver it, it costs them ten dollars. It is the shittest business since we work. Every time they lose money. Yes. They bleed money. It's sort of the Netflix money. They've raised 75 million from venture capital. Every time someone comes to your house it costs them ten bucks, which makes me, why the fuck hasn't the chaser started an instant delivery business? It would almost be cheaper for them if they hired a prostitial. to deliver all the groceries

than pay these people actual money. Yes. But it's like, as I was I say, it's sort of like the Netflix model. Wait, what? I think I think... Let's circle back. Let's circle back. Let's circle back. What? I think Chris heard quick

and his first thing was off. That's just like a prostitute. I assume they charge by the second. Yeah. Yeah. finishes the delivery within 10 minutes every single time. It's very impressive. So the prostitute arrives at 8 minutes No but did you find

Because mine came at like one minute too At 8 minutes I was like there's no way They're going to make it I was pissed off and they arrived at 9 I said you weren't going to make it Apparently they say They all hang out in a warehouse in your suburb Are we talking about prostitutes?

No no we're back on I reckon they've just got sleeper cells Every one of us here in this room Have one of these milk run fuckwits living underneath our house. Just waiting for the call. It's the only way they can do the 10-minute thing, surely. Well, they're basically

they're at like convenience stores throughout the hall. They've just got like... Giant milk front. Yeah, they're all over the place. It's genuinely... I think they're stalkers, basically. Okay, so, first question is, you know, okay, given that a...

Give it... This is a quiz. Right, right. So, question number one. Yeah, so it costs $10 per order to deliver the... the, you know, Milk Run sort of thing. Is this, according to the founder of Milk Run, a brilliant business model,

and quote the future of e-commerce in Australia, is it be a terrible business model, or C, a vast improvement on what it used to do and how much it used to cost? Or is it D, a cheap way to meet prostitutes? Yeah. Okay, yes, that's the answer. It's basically we work on bikes, isn't it?

Yeah, no, no, no, so the founder, so the answer is A. Yeah, it sounded like a specific question. It is the future of e-commerce in Australia and not just the world. And he claims that by 2024, it will make, this is honestly true, it will make more per customer than Amazon in the US. Imagine buying, you know, like into that dream. In all seriousness, do you know how they're going to do it? And this is absolutely true.

They've thought about what they can do. and selling groceries No one wants that It's cost of living is expensive They're going to sell fucking booze That's the way it's going to actually make money Oh, okay It's not milk run

It's milk run There's caloor in the milk Colour and milk run Is it just Kallua? Is that the only booze? It's basically Jimmy brings and cut out Jimmy

He seems to be the model Yeah right Yeah Thank you for your patience. Your call is important. Can't take being on hold anymore. FIS is 100% online, so you can make the switch in minutes. Mobile plans start at $15 a month.

Certain conditions apply. Details at fizz.ca. None of the medical advice contained in the Chaser Report should legally be considered medical advice. The Chaser Report. actually were blaming for the cost blowout was actually staffing costs right and what he explained today in the herald was that everybody got sick all at once and all had to self-isolate right and so they had to get a whole of casuals in because they couldn't get enough staff because everyone was locked down

which is when demand for their product searched so demand surges for their product when their staff costs blow out, right? So, given that problem, how much before it's cost $10 per order and they're losing a whole lot of money? How much did it cost before they ran into these problems? Were they losing $3 per order? Were they losing $5 per order? Or was it making money? Definitely not making money. Yeah. The most money. They were losing the most. Whatever the most is. I thought it was $13 in order. They were losing $4.00. They were losing $4.4. $40 per order before the lockdown. So there you go.

Wow. Okay. How do I not have shares in this thing? You do. It's called the chaser. Exactly the same business model. I actually do have shares in the chaser. It hasn't worked out well.

Yeah, MilkCrunch should start a live podcast. That's the last one to really... Well, with alcohol and then it would go really well. Actually, to be fair, we started a newspaper, which gave you topical jokes a week after the event happened. The Post. Very similar to Milk Run, really. Okay, next question is about the census. The census figures started coming out today.

Delivered by Milk Run. And it was amazingly quick. Amazingly quick. When did we answer that census? It was like a year ago. A year ago, was it? Right. Dementia is now...

What we saw from Charles at the beginning of the episode. He was his first lap. Dementia is now the 11th most common. condition, health condition, in Australia. What is the 11th most common condition in Australia? Dementia is a really serious problem that affects Charles every time we do a podcast. It is tragic, give generously. Talking of our podcast, what is the top condition,

top health condition in Australia? that hurts your health. Yes. Depression. Yes. Depression and anxiety. I thought you were going to say wanting to start a podcast was the most unhealthy thing. That's the same thing.

That's a symptom. Charles has always had a great radar for comedy topics. It's like dementia, depression, anxiety. Then he'll throw to the panel and say, make comedy gold of this. I almost want to get back to the milk run. I mean, I don't. We all know that random.

course 40 minutes ago, but I'd almost rather discuss milk run for another hour that try to find laughs in dementia. It's a good point. That topic should really have lasted for 10 minutes, shouldn't it? Let's break it down, though. There's early onset dementia,

there's Alzheimer's. They're already broken down, Charles. So which age group suffers the most depression and anxiety? How old are you? How old are you? Yeah. 46? No, well, A, is it older people who own multiple homes and get tons of franking credits all the time?

Is it B, middle-aged people who were able to buy their houses 15 or 20 years ago, you know, when they were still affordable? Or, C, was it younger people who can't afford to buy a fucking stick of broccoli anymore, let alone a fucking apartment with a functioning roof? You have some thoughts, sir. Yeah, that person owns a few houses, I can tell.

I think it's the founder of Milk Cruncher. Correct. Who's been asked to deliver broccoli that doesn't exist to people in 10 minutes. How do you do that? It's clearly poor old millennials, isn't it? It'll be the young people. Yeah, yeah, it's 25 to 29-year-olds. They broke it down very specifically.

Wow. Wait, so why are 20-year-olds fought? don't have wrinkles or something. Well, it's like, it's sort of like a belt, like it's literally the, basically you hit about teenagehood and then the graph starts going up every one gets depressed. You peak in depression at about the age of 29 and then it just goes down. This is based on.

That's why I'm here tonight. Okay, it's all making sense. But presumably, that's where the dementia kicks in. No, it doesn't, it doesn't get kicking at 29. How many weeks? What did for me? How many weeks can young people look forward to Where the depression stops and the dementia kicks in

Like, does everyone get a good fortnight? Yeah But surely does the depression go away when you get the dementia Because you keep forgetting your depressed I think so, yeah No, it recurs every day And this is what happens to me I wake up and I go, shit, what have I fucking done with my life?

I wake up and I'm in a satirical comedy group That used to be big 10 years ago, every single day It's hideous Too much laughter at that one I'll take it where I can find it I wonder though this is almost a semi-earnous point it's actually a fully earnest point

I wonder though if all age groups probably experience levels of mental health but millennials of more comfortable with on a republic form such as the census more comfortable with owning it

whereas my parents would be awfully screwed up. But they, I don't think they'd have, it would almost be a point of pride, if you know what I mean, to register themselves as mentally unwell. Whereas today it's almost seems okay. Everyone's a lot more more... More in touch.

So you're saying that millennials are winges. No, I'm saying the data is probably wrong because it might be just, what it might be measuring is a greater comfort with acknowledging mental health amongst young people. They're just more honest about the absolute lack of hope in humanity, right? Well,

Looker to the podcast. Hope you having fun. Maybe. You're in the demo. Maybe it's because, yeah, I'm a millennial, but maybe it's because older people have dementia so they forget to fill out the census. It might be that.

Could also be that. What were you going to say? I'm a millennial. Yeah, so are you terribly depressed and anxious about everything? You invited me to do this podcast. I'm just going to open up. I am depressed about being 29, yeah.

Oh, right. So you're literally. I'm in the danger zone. It's the worst, yeah. You're the worst year of your life. This is the worst. Oh, well, it all gets better from here. Does it?

As soon as we stop the podcast, it's going to live. Can I just, anyone who's 30 and above in the room, can we just all reassure for, like, 30 is like the greatest year of your life. 29 is awful. Oh, yeah, yeah. 20s generally suck. I mean, you have youth, but that's all you've got. Yes.

You don't have jobs. You don't have fucking broccoli. Yeah. When you hit 30 and 40 and you're given a modicum of the minimum wage, things really turn around. Yes, yes. No? You peaked at 18. 18 would work.

I was, I turned 30 during the pandemic. Speaking of millennials who are too... Open to them about me. All right. Okay, and we'll just do one final question, which is, of course, there's been a lot of supply chain issues, broccoli, that sort of thing. One surprising result from the census was that Australians eat four kilograms of avocados a year. Right.

I do not remember this question in the census. Was there an avocado question? What does the chief executive of Avocados Australia, John Tyos, recommend Australians do? Does he recommend increasing the number of avocados they eat, Australians eat? year, decrease the number of avocados Australian seat each year, or wait, there's an organisation called Avocados Australia. They're the ones who are dedicated stopping millennials from buying houses. It's a terror group.

The big avocado industry has been having a grip on Australia for far too long, and ironically, Big Avocado haven't actually built a big avocado. We back check that. Lachlan, is there a big avocado? Can we get it on the screen? I really want it up on the screen while we did. It would be in Redfern, if anywhere, like the home of avocado on toes. Also, they'd build the big avocado, wouldn't they?

And people would just smash it. Yes, yeah. Millennials. So, well, the answer is... I think he'd probably want to increase avocado consumption. Correct, Chris. And he wants every Australian to eat six kilograms of avocados a year. Because there's a huge oversupply problem at the moment.

And they're not allowed to export it anywhere. So we're going to be stuck with a glut. of avocados. If anyone can use Milk Run to get an avocado delivered here by the end of the podcast, I will scull a beer. I will scull an avocado.

The challenge is yours, ladies gentlemen. Well, that's the end of the quiz. Please applaud. Yay! Our gear is from Road Microphone and we are part of the ACAST CRADA Network. Catch you tomorrow. Thank you for your patience.

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