The Chaser Report - Tickle Me ScoMo

Episode Date: June 16, 2021

Julie Bishop now has her own Foreign Minister Barbie, so the team brainstorm some other ideas for political toys. Plus, we explore the UK-Australia free trade deal, which sounds incredibly boring until we realise that it means cheaper whisky. This podcast was proudly brought to you by shape-shifting lizards. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report for Thursday the 17th of June. And some great news this morning, Dom, which is that there is a new outbreak in Sydney. How is that good? Why are you happy? I admit it's terrible for the people of Sydney, which does include me. And me. But, but, and this is the big but, I have a dinner party. that I have to go to this weekend, that I have been dreading.

So these sort of friends of friends, it's long time coming, a little bit tedious, really don't want to go there, sort of going there out of obligation, and guess where they live? Bondi. So no matter what happens, even if Bondi's in the clear, even if it's just an isolated case and there's only one guy who lives in Bondi, who's got it, I can completely plausibly go, Look, I'm so sorry, guys.

I'd love to come, but, you know, I just can't risk it. I don't want to go into a hotspot. I don't want to go into a war zone. I don't want to risk my entire life. There's a much easier way than just having an entire city potentially shutting down to do this outbreak. Just send them this recording. Well, I'm really banking on the fact that I don't listen to this podcast

because I actually have been fully vaccinated as listeners to this podcast would know, which sort of actually also kind of, undermines the thing. But hopefully the city will come into lockdown. I don't even have to send in this recording. I mean, it would be a wonderful thing for Sydney and the whole country if just Bondi will lock down. I think there's all sorts of upside to that. Just think of all the backpackers who wouldn't be able to go anywhere. But I am a bit baffled though, Charles, just because this person went to Bondi shopping centre multiple times over a couple of days. Who would go there more than once to this massive Westfield? No, I totally disagree. I think

Bondo, Westfield, is the best part of Bondi. It's all that there is in Bondo Junction. In fact, Charles, what if the lockdown were permanent? Yes, in case. I love it. That's done. It's a super spread of suburb. I mean, it would cut off Sydney's cocaine supply.

But other than that, it's all upside. Coming up on the show, I'm going to fascinate you by talking about the UK-Australia free trade deal. In fact, that's your way to get out of the dinner party. Drink up and say, I've got all these thoughts about the free trade deal. that I want to share with you. We're also going to explore the wonderful world of politician dolls

unleashed by the news that Julie Bishop has her very own Barbie. That and more coming up. But first of all, let's go to Rebecca Dana Minow with the Chaser News headlines. Order of Australia recipient

Peter Credlin has used her first appearance after being granted the honour to honourably attack a sick four-year-old refugee girl and her family. Credlin referred to the family as a running sore on Aussie politics

while Credlin herself managed to run. reaffirmed that she is a running shit stain on Aussie politics. The whole of Australia has been left reeling after Prime Minister Scott Morrison met with the Queen and asked her if she was a lizard. This question came after the PM's links to a high profile QAnon conspiracy theorist was brought to light. But Mr Morrison denied Q&ONN had anything to do with it and that it was a perfectly normal thing to ask a monarch, especially as he was pretty certain she was a robotic replacement body double of the real queen.

Anthony Albanese has announced sweeping changes to his party's stance on refugees, saying he'll commit to daily heartfelt cries for basic human decency to the media, while not actually changing his policy that would still see refugee children locked up indefinitely. The opposition leader said there was a clear difference between the two parties. The Liberal Party didn't care about treating refugees terribly, whereas the Labor Party felt really bad about treating them badly. That's the latest Chaser News. Make the Chaser Report podcast part of your daily routine by subscribing to this podcast in your app right now.

I'm really, definitely the real Rebecca Dana Muno and not a lizard. Today's episode of The Chaser Report brought to you by the UK-Australia free trade deal. And as our first trade, we'd love a block of Stilton cheese in exchange for Scott Morrison. Now, big news in the toy world, Julie Bishop has her own Barbie. It's got her as the foreign minister with a diplomatic passport, presenting Australia, very feminist, very positive role model for the kids, Charles. Now, hang on, I heard this story and I assumed it was untrue. Is this actually true?

Yes, it's an empowering symbol of Julie Bishop's fashion stylings and role model. Well, and they're selling it. Yeah, it's an official Barbie product. That is insane. Yeah, because Julie Bishop is still so relevant to the life of Australia. But look, to make sense of this, Charles, you and I are too old. We need some people who've just recently stopped playing with toys. So, in terms, Alexa and Gabby are in the room.

Hello. Hello. So we've got to come up with some more ideas. Surely this unlocks a market for politician toys. Well, I think that the chaser should go into selling politician dolls. The chaser was already angling for the Peter Dutton potato head, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, you can't call it the Peter Dutton potato head.

It's the potato head doll. And who knows what politician is supposed to be like, we don't want him to sue us. Oh, God. I think we got some pretty good ones. I think first off the bat, we should go for the big guy, the prime minister. What do you guys think of a tickle me scomo? But when you tickle him, instead of laughing, he just shits his pants. You could sell them with happy meals.

They would be perfect. Crappy meal combo. Engadine special. Yeah, we also came up with like a few others. I came up with the Malcolm Turnbull Slinky. Oh. Because he just doesn't have a spine. So that makes sense.

I like that. Go down the stairs. Actually, if it's going down. down the stairs, that should probably be Tan Andrew Slinky. Yay, it could be a whole range. Well, you could have Mr. Floppy for, for, oh, who's the big green dude?

Bendie. Adam Band. Gumbie. Gumbie. What? Gumpy. Adam Bad is Gumpy. That's not bad, actually.

Actually, yes, you could twist him into inflexible positions. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, they're very rigid positions. I was thinking, like, a Kevin Rudd, one of the ones where you pull the string, and then it first talks in. man, you're in. Then he pulled it again and it goes, these Chinese ratfuckers are trying rat fuckers.

Well, that'd be great for the kids. I had the same idea, but with Julia Gillard for a doll, and when you pull the string, it's all 17 minutes and 59 seconds of the misogyny speech. The string just goes back in incredibly slow. Yeah, it's probably a bit pitch shifted, but I think the kids can really get behind it. I think, because I had a pull string idea as well,

which was for a catad doll. Oh. And it just would generate a completely nonsensical sound bite. Oh, yeah. Just total words. Yeah, did that for Donald Trump. Surely the more logical Bob Catterdoll, though, is one where you wind him up and you can put him in the bathtub so he can fight the one in three crocs every year

that tells somebody to shreds up in North Queensland. I thought it's useful as well. We also came up with Josh Frydenberg Monopoly, except the whole kit comes without $60 billion. Just misplaced. Yeah, you're bankrupt from the beginning in that game. Yeah, I was thinking you'd actually have a Stuart Robert Robo Debt robot, but it costs you $1.8 billion.

So it's not very practical. Pretty like an Anthony Albinesey, like little inaction man toy. I also thought of a Tony Abbott easy bake oven, but you can only bake things with onion in them. And also it's just great because it sets gender rolls back right where he wants them to be. That's great. For women, so it's perfect. It's got a little clock on.

Yeah, just how long you're supposed to take. 50 years. Yeah. That's great. My Abbott idea was, it's just a doll that looks like Tony Abbott, but you take the head off and underneath it's actually a shape-shifting lizard.

Oh my God. I mean, that's appropriate for all sorts. Actually, it actually comes with removable, customizable skins. So you have the lizard core and then you can just keep putting different people over to the leather jacket on it. It's Malcolm Turnbull.

I'm pretty sure that underneath the Julie Bishop Barbie dolly there's just another reptilian. I used to love my piggy bank. So I was thinking, what about a Jerry Harvey piggy bank where you put money in but you just never get back? You never get it back.

You just never get it back. And does it get sent off to somebody higher up The new? Yeah, oh, yeah, yeah. You have to give the piggy bank to the bank. Yeah, that's right. But the bank doesn't then give it back to you. No, they just keep it.

They just keep it. Yeah, that's great. Yeah, so you'd have a parliament house doll house. Oh, that's a bit cute. And you'd have little desks in it. Oh, and bring your own glaze. A Barnaby Joyce doll. Oh, how have we not done him so far?

Comes with a red nose and two separate families to collect. Today's episode of The Chaser Report brought to you live from a shipping container. We're being exported to the UK. All right, today's the day. We're going to bring down Parliament. Have you got the stuff? Yeah, yeah, man. It's super explosive.

I'm sure it's going to bring this whole place to the ground. Nice. What are we talking about? You've got like C4, pressure cookers, car bomb. Even better. Videos. Right, so we just strapped them to... Would you say videos?

Yeah, dude. YouTube sketches. I told you to bring explosives. Yeah. Man, it is. The allegations in my video are explosive. This video is going to blow up online. Online. Are you even a terrorist? I'm on a most wanted list. What did you do? Like, blow up a building, go from flight in Syria? No, no, no, nothing that bad. I actually started up a mildly successful YouTube channel.

Oh, you're the guy who did those beheading videos. Love those. No, I just dressed up as Luigi. Actually, do you want to hear my Italian accent? God, no, no, no, we don't want to get cancelled, do you... I'm on the door accent. No, no, stop. Just like I'm going to hear us. No! up, drop the accent. Mama me! The Chaser Report, news you know you can't trust.

Can I just check, Charles, do we have to talk about the free trade deal? I know that it's news. I know this is a topical podcast where we talk about the news, and this is the big story. Yes. But are you sure? Well, we decided not to talk about it yesterday because, you know, we thought it was a bit dry, right? But I looked into it overnight, and it's a big deal. I thought it was a photo op with, you know, world leaders.

He'd popped over there. He wanted to get photoed with Boris Johnson and Joe Biden, and then he was going to pop back. And the whole free trade thing was just something to announce because there's an election later this year. That's what I thought. Well, I thought he was just extending his trip to avoid coming back to quarantine.

Yeah, probably. No, but this is a huge deal. This is about the future prosperity of our. nation. This is a new dawn. In fact, Channel 9's report on it was that it knocked it out of the park. This is a significant moment. It is a significant moment, sir. Cheers to that was the headline on the 7 News website. So, you know, this is a big thing for Australia and for the UK because it is going to boost Britain's GDP, get this dom, by up to 0.0.0.000. 0.0.25% of GDP per year.

Oh, what a slam dunk. And for us, it's even more. It's 0.08% of GDP per year. Why are you banging your hand on the table? Are you looking for the money we're going to make on the free trade deal? Because I've done the sums, Dom, and it's amazing. Just think about it. If this deal then spreads evenly out across the whole of Australia,

Which, of course, it won't. I admit that. But if it did, that would mean that we would all end up being, on average, $40 richer per year. That's 77 cents a week richer. God, I love Britain. It's the mother country still looking after us, Charles. You know, I sense that you're not convinced. Well, I mean, I must say, Charles, when I read that the benefits for our beef producers don't kick in for 15 years, at which point probably the entire world will be vegetarian,

Oh, yeah, well, that is true. Like the 77 cents kicks in in 2036. Oh, okay. Yeah, of course that's the figure that I'm using. Naturally. Better access to the UK market, but that comes after around 15 years. Strangely, that wasn't in the front page to the press release for 15 year.

Yeah, and of course Boris Johnson and Scott Morrison will still be there in 15 years to superintend this deal in. Yeah, and we'll all be able to cash our checks for 77 cents. I can't wait. Anyway, no. Drilling down on the details, there is good news. Not just if you're Gina Reinhardt or some sort of owner of a winery, but for ordinary punters, like, you know, if you're an alcoholic,

this deal means you get 5% cheaper Scotch whiskey. That is 5% cheap. That is like, say you buy a bottle of whiskey week. Every 20 weeks, that's an extra bottle of whiskey. That's not bad, actually. Yeah. This conversation is making me want to drink a lot of whiskey. all of a sudden. And British cars, all those British cars that are made in Britain,

all of them will no longer have tariffs on them. So any, you know, Aston Martin and Bentley buyers, like ordinary every day Aston Martin buyers, will be able to get cheaper cars. So the completely price insensitive purchases of British cars are in for a savings bonanza. This isn't just about money, Dom. This is about rules, right? There are going to be less rules around British backpackers, which means, you know, we'll have more British backpackers driving around in vans around Australia. Well, that'd that be great. I was very glad to say that you'll now be able to go and do a sort of working holiday

up to 35 because you're not going to be buying a house in Australia until well after your 35. So you may as well go to Britain. Yeah, yeah. I'm so convinced, Charles, that this is full of benefits. Because I had cynically thought this was just a ploy so that Boris Johnson had something to announce after Brexit. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, Dom.

No, not at all. And the benefits go on. Like, it's not, like, it doesn't end there. There's also, there's now going to be no tariffs at all on British foods. Nice. So, no tariffs at all. That means cheaper dripping. Yeah, that's right.

No tariffs on jellied eels. This was announced. No, no tariffs on haggis. No tariffs on mushy. P's, no tariffs on marmite. So all the marmite that you get will be like probably 5% cheaper. Scotch eggs. Charles, I'm British.

Yes. And even I wouldn't go near British food. Are you now sold though? Are you sold generally on this deal? I am. I'm actually very, very, very relieved because it's very clear to me that we'll have no impact on us whatsoever. I'm David Attenborough and today's episode of the Chaser Report is brought to you

by the UK, Australia, free trade deal. Now Australians everywhere can hire me to voice their shitty little podcasts. Look, Charles, just before we go, a little bit of sad news has come out of India. They've been through a lot recently. And a religious leader has died a man by the name of Zeona Chana. 76 years old, the leader of the Chana sect that was founded by his grandfather, he leaves behind at least 38 widows and 89 children. That's terrible news, Tom.

Eighty-nine children. And 33 grandchildren. Imagine having 89 children. I hate my two children. Yeah, I'm struggling with one. I'm really struggling. Like, she's quite a lot of work. I wonder whether, like, on Sunday mornings, do they all pile into the beds again?

And the DiVali celebration must be pretty intense. Like, having to get gifts for all of the kids. Oh, fuck DiVali. Imagine taking them to Hoyt's. Well, you get a family cop, though. It's like, no, no, because they'd like $4,000, wouldn't it? You'd ever get 25 family combos. Still an awful lot of people board him.

Yeah, well, they must be waiting for their inheritance. I mean, they each get $1.89 of his wealth. You can find more news anytime at chaser.com. You can follow us on TikTok, Twitter, Instagram, and of course, Facebook. Please go and leave us a five-star review because we find them very entertaining. We read them all. And it is genuinely heartening to discover that people listen to the podcast. The code word for today is 89 children.

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