The Chaser Report - Travel Tips For The Modern Wanker

Episode Date: December 2, 2025

Going on an international trip soon? Who isn't! But want to make sure you're maximising your efficiency, comfort, and level of knobery? Dom and Charles have all the tips you need to ensure your overseas business class holiday keeps you completely out of touch with the common folk.---Order the 2025 CHASER ANNUAL: https://chasershop.com/products/the-chaser-and-the-shovel-annual-2025-preorderListen AD FREE: https://thechaserreport.supercast.com/ Follow us on Instagram: @chaserwarSpam Dom's socials: @dom_knightSend Charles voicemails: @charlesfirthEmail us: [e-mail] CEO’s Super-yacht upgrade Fund: https://chaser.com.au/support/ Send complaints to: [e-mail] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gadigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report with Dom and Charles. And what a treat this episode is for you, dear listener, because today you're going to get travel tips from the pros. I mean, the jet setting, the glamorous lifestyle that particularly Charles has, and I've done a bit of travel recently too. And we just want to optimize and tell you how the absolute experts do it so that your next trip is as efficient and pain-free as possible. Yes. Let's get into that

after the ads. Where to start, Charles. Well, neither of us is at home. Yeah, well, I'm down in Melbourne. You know, just sort of having to ideate and write the next show and just, just sort of because it's the city of culture. Yeah, that makes sense. It's a glimpse behind the magician's curtain that in order for Charles to create wankonomics, he has to enter the sort of wank space mentally, which means travelling to Melbourne and don your mental black skivy. Essentially, I'm not actually dressed in black, but I might as well be. Like, I'm intellectually dressed in black, yeah. You are.

And what about you? Why are you in Thailand? Is there a sex trade? I am in, I'm in Puket airport waiting to board a flight home. Desperately racist to say that. Oh, did you just make it? a slur about people's reasons for being in Thailand. It's hard to hear you in amongst all the jet setting happening at this airport. I'm right next to the McDonald's. That was the best place I could

find to record this jet study. No, well actually, funny enough, some of the airport lounges, basically, yes. Some of the lounges up here are so bad. Like I looked into the Thai Royal Orchid lounge, just kind of like a closet with a coffee machine. Is that a Jet Star lounge, is it? No, no, I'm here because, and I'm say this for the purposes of making it tax deductible. I'm at the Thailand Biennale, which is an art festival that one of my old friends was involved in putting together. And I've just been travelling around some amazing, kind of abandoned sites in Pouquet, old town, seeing some amazing artworks in there. So if you're in Pouquet in the next, I don't know, six months or so, check it out. And now that I've said that, I can claim this on tax.

Yes, I love it. So that's the first tip, is optimize your tax claims, isn't it? Yes, that's true. I think all international travel is essentially tax deductible, really, isn't it? I mean, at the end of the day, you know, educational expenses, research and development. Like, I feel like every time Elon Musk or Rupert Murdoch or Lachlan Murdoch or anyone who's a buckwheat, I'm sure they don't pay, you know, the top marginal tax, right? Like, I'm sure all those things are expense somewhere. No, that's for sure. Why shouldn't everyone else? Like, you know, you go to a tourist, you know, holiday destination like, forget, just. make sure. Are there tourists here? I didn't even notice the tourists everywhere. I mean,

there are so many things I've been researching. You should just look at it out, because my understanding is there's fairly strict rules about that, aren't there? Like, you've got to keep a log in your, of where you've gone to prove to the tax man. Yeah, which is why I've been taking photographs of all the places that I've seen during the trip. They're holiday steps are not holiday steps. They're, they're, they're documentation. Yes, exactly. They are. And any photos that are taken with your camera that are doing documentation,

that phone would be then be tax deductible, wouldn't it? It would be. Yeah. It's not just a camera. This is the thing. I think, particularly in our line of work, Charles, this is something that others can say is as satirists, we don't know what we're going to satirise next.

No, exactly. We have to be tourism. Yes. It could be, oh my God, yes. That's what you should do. You should become a holiday satirist. Well, I was thinking about this actually in one of the endless minibuses I've taken. Why has it taken 50 years of my life to come up with that idea?

Why is it only now 50 years into my life that that idea has come into my brain or into your, like that you've told me that? You know why it's coming to my brain? Every holiday could have been taking. My entire life would be text deductible. I was thinking of the people we've been ripping off since we were teenagers, the Degeneration, and we've copied almost all their ideas,

but we haven't yet copied Malvania Fake Tan. You know those Jet Set travel books that they did on a Jet Base travel? Yes. And I was thinking of the book Fake Tan. So why don't we do a... You know that the Wanganomics, but one of the reasons we went with Hardy Grant to the Wayneconomics book is because they published that Fake Tan book.

And we thought of in Mulvayana. I don't know how well the humors aged, by the way. I was just thinking about this. Malvania, you're a land untouched by modern dentistry. I'm not sure that line has traveled well. No, no. You know what I was thinking it? It's gone out of fashion and now it's back in fashion.

Like, haven't you changed? Oh, it's woke. It's anti-woke. Charles, I was thinking of it actually because the capital of this of fake tan is bumper to bumper. And that's every trip I've taken here. Anyway, so that's tip one, I think. Make everything tax deductible.

Okay, that's a very good tip. Okay. Do you need me to do tip number two? Is this how we're going to structure? If you can think of one, how do you optimize your ideation sessions? Because you're in Melbourne today. You could be in the UK next week. I don't think anyone else is interested in Wankonomics, but in the UK, they love it, don't they?

Yeah. So I suppose the one thing that I do is, and this is a really genuine tip, right? but it's absurd right which is at a lot of airports especially the ones that you sort of then go through to Europe they usually have it like a gym or a you know like you like you've got to pay for but you can go to right like and the one in doha is extraordinary right like it doesn't just have a gym it's got a gym a swimming pool which which is above the terminal like you can go to the swimming and you can be sweet. I have swam and just watch people walking along the concourse in the in the airport terminal below me. Like it's so weird. But they've even got a squash court at that

gym. And it just doesn't cost that much money. It was like $40 or something like that. But if you've got three hours to spare, like it's so much nice. It's so much nicer than going to a lounge because you can actually do things. But you could even play, I mean, I haven't played squash, but you could. You could play squash at the airport. That's very good. Yeah. And so I think that's my tip is, like, don't bother with loungers because you just sit around and like get drunk or whatever. You know, like actually find the sort of weird, the weird thing that you can do.

You've really changed, Charles. Sitting down and getting drunk was those are your two things for a very long time. That's good. I think my fitness regime for 2026 is to X out. It's to exercise only in gyms in international airports. I think that's what I'm going to do to get into shape. But that's true. This episode is not going to reflect well on us.

Not at all. Hey, you're the man. You're the Wankanomics man. You're just living your new lifestyle. In Changi, I mean, I've go through Changi quite a lot. I'm going through Changi Airport today. There are a lot of very strange things to do, like the fish spa. Yes.

I once during a layover. Got the fish to nibble the dead skin off my feet. Oh, fuck. You've got it. That's so good. And did all the fish die straight after? I didn't stick around. That's a great thing.

I got on a national playing. I got on a flight out of the jurisdiction. You'd probably go there now and find that it's gone bankrupt. I think there's a problem with fish bars as well. They might be unkind. Yeah, fish spa problems. I'm just going to Google that. My next tip, Charles, this is a really...

I really believe in this one. Oh, yeah, you can get infected from bacteria and fungi if you have a fish spa. Particularly if someone has an open wound and goes to the fish spa, you'll get the fish like it. Yeah. Yeah, okay, maybe don't go to the fish spa. They're not piranhas, are they? A little bit, a little bit. It's only in South America that they did the piranha fish spa.

So my next tip, it's a rule, it's a principle, and I really swear by this, is do not go to a place that doesn't have electronic boarding passes because basically all modern countries now there's no paper there's no worse feelings because I always forget to do it on the plane and you're trying to get into the country

and instead you've got to go over to one side and fill out a little piece of paper with a pen I never have a pen, never know what I'm doing and some of the places I've been recently particularly Thailand and India both have extremely efficient electronic arrivals system Singapore does as well, and that just means no paper, no pen. There is one slight downside to this rule, which is that I'm unable to enter Australia where I live. Yes, that's right.

Because we haven't yet caught up with this. You still have to fill out that little, you know, yellow or orange. A little yellow card. Yeah. So, but can I ask, is there, I thought that maybe there was some sort of weird, like theater going on there. That actually it's not about the information they collect so much as to sort of make you do something that makes you pay attention to the fact that we really don't like people who've been to sporting fields and have mud on their shoes. Yes, farms in Africa in the past seven days, whatever it is. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it is very strange. I feel like if you do, do it on your electronic stuff, you just go, no, no, no, no, no, So efficient.

Yeah, whereas the pen is more intentional. You actually do sort of have to read, am I a terrorist? I don't know. Am I, yes, no, I know. Intentionality. Am I bringing, you know, $20,000 into the country? You know, we said a little box that says, I wick, you know. Yes.

Impossible to do. No, that's right. And it has meant I haven't been able to go back to Australia to see my children. So I'm going to have to just get out to Singapore and wait until Australia has system. I think they're trialing it for Qantas. But they'll understand. When you explain to them, no, that's a rule of travel kids. It's sacrosan. They'll just go, okay, it's an important rule. Yeah. We'll see you when Australia finally gets on board.

Yeah. I think that's very good. When Australia finally has the tech that India has managed to introduce, a country of one and a half billion people has managed to sort out for a while now that Australia still hasn't mastered. Yeah. the chaser report news you can't trust i'll tell you my next i'll tell you my next rule of travel oh you tell me next rule if you're going to a place that actually has things like shops always slightly underpack right so you don't like what's the worst thing is to actually pack too much and then have this sort of bursting at the same suitcase the whole time

And then you rarely use all the stuff that's in your suitcase, right? And it's sort of a waste, whereas if you underpack, you can always buy stuff. Like if you're anywhere with shops, you can always buy a thing that you wish you'd bought more of. But more often than not, you just use what you've got. It's sort of like life, right? Like, you know, packing is... Oh, what a great metaphor for life. Yes, just pack less, use less, and you'll still be fine.

And then you don't have to fucking lug everything around. So just like, always just slightly on the pack. That's really good. There's so many good things about that. Firstly, I've done this before and when I then realize I need whatever, it might be some more socks or something, because I always forget at least one thing when I travel. But I think I do it deliberately, subconsciously, because I need something to do to kind of get

rid of the crippling loneliness of travel. So you have to go and buy a pair of socks. That works. But also, Charles, I don't know if you're like me, but I will. will, I won't check in luggage at all. It's all got to be carry on. Yes. And that's just for convenience and time saving at the airport.

It does mean you spend the entire trip washing your clothes in your sink and hanging them up to dry. And that takes a huge amount of time and makes you miserable. But it's worth it just about to tell people I don't check in luggage. I'm just too efficient. Well, the way to get around that, Dom, is what I did on the last tour, which is a plighted only exclusively positive. in theaters across the UK. And they all have, they all have their own laundries attached to

the theater. Like every, very good. Big theater has a sort of laundry. So you can just go and wash your clothes every few days with a proper washing machine and dryer. That's such a relatable tip. Yeah. I love that. Just really, when you travel, only go to high-end theaters at which you perform so you can access the laundry facilities. I think there's something for that in all of us. But it was a real source of worry before I set out. And I talked to our promoter. I said, you know, how are we going to get our laundry done? I don't know.

Like, we're on the road every day. We're in a different seat. We can't go to a laundry mat because we'll then be somewhere else the next day. You know, like in the next few hours. And he went, no, no, no, it's fine. Just like everyone just does it at the theatres. Well, Charles, I'm just thinking to escalate this. Yeah.

I challenge you for your next trip, Jack Reacher style. I know you and I both enjoy Jack Reacher. Yes. The man has no luggage. We wears the clothes for three days and throws them out. I love it. It just has a folding toothbrush and a passport and an ATM card. That's all you need to travel.

That's all you need. In the very cold places, very efficient. Yes. So that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to, no, I'll just walk. No, because the thing is I've got to perform each night in my suit, in my Wanganomic suit. I'll just wear that. Oh, yeah, just wear that.

For the entire month. That's fantastic. And just throw it out every three days. Throw out my lovely suit every three days. What would Richard do? So the final tip, I think, has become clear, certainly to Lachlan, has had to edit this. Welcome back from your own travel, Loughlin. Which is don't try and record podcast in airports because we've got to getting disconnected every two minutes.

Oh, this has been horrible, yes. But look, I think really relatable travel tips. I think this is never, like if we ever get really big and then somebody tries to cancel us, this is not going to be used as evidence of us turning obnoxious. I thought you were going to get more obnoxious. I thought you were going to go to the first class lounge and get sped through immigration, unlike the little people. I thought that was what you were going to say.

No, I just assume that nowadays. I don't even think about that because I just breeze through everything. Like, cues, what's that? No, when you travel, there's no cues as far as I know. Getting through immigration at Pouquet the other day when we landed, just to make this definitely tax deductible, 90 minutes between getting off the plane and getting through passport control. You know, like, that's terrible globally.

But that is fucking nothing compared to getting into the US nowadays. Oh, really? I can believe that. Yeah, yeah. Actually, that's my last travel tip is never start to need to go to the toilet. when you're at the back of the queue at L-A-X. Yes, okay. Well, just don't go to the U.S. at all. Isn't that the relevant tip?

Yes, don't. And yes, yes, yes, that's the, that's the, that's the, that's the episode. Don't go to the U.S. I mean, don't go to the U.S. Don't travel at all. It's horrible. I don't find that. I find it lovely. I find it really no.

No, it's good. They're really smooth. Charles, I'll let you get back to your jet-setting lifestyle. Yeah. And all the free alcohol that you can serve everywhere. It's lovely. Keep digging the grave your reputation, Charles. Just keep on digging.

I'll leave you to it. We're part of the Aconicles Network. Well, we'll catch you next time we're in Australia. He knows what time's on all next talk, Charles. Such wankers.