The Chaser Report - Vaccine Hoarder Security | Aleksa Vulovic

Episode Date: July 19, 2022

Due to everyone else having COVID, Charles, Aleksa, and Lachlan welcome in the third wave. Together they comprehensively solve COVID-19, and what to do with all the extra vaccines. Plus an EXTREME CONTENT WARNING as Charles is requested to do a very special reading from The Chaser's 100th Issue that leaves everyone really uncomfortable.NOTE: Due to COVID our Pub Live recording is POSTPONED. Don't come to the pub tonight expecting a recording, we are all sick. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report for Wednesday the 20th of July. I'm Charles Firth and with us today are Alexer Vullivich. Hello. And Lachlan Hodson. Hello. Hello. That's me.

And anyone else, like Dom, for example, like everyone else is sick, basically. And we're actually going to chat a little about why they're sick and what they might have in this episode. Are we chatting about COVID today? Oh, yeah, let's talk about vaccines, COVID. We're going to chat Albo and a couple of the quarantine issues that are happening at the moment. All that coming up after this. The Chaser Report, less news, more often. So, Auckland.

Yes. I thought COVID, that was like last year, the year before, and the year before at this point. Isn't it over? No, it's not over. This is the thing, COVID. It's having a reunion tour. It's the John Farnham of diseases. Oh, so that's why.

All my extended family and everyone at work is sick. Yes, so Mark Butler, health minister? Yeah, Minister Mark Butler has said that there's going to be a third wave of COVID that's incoming. And so they've done a whole bunch of stuff to try and prevent this as much as we can. Dom Perrote has naturally done nothing. But there's another third wave coming. That's what people are predicting. Either have you had COVID recently or do you know people being sick?

Well, I think the point is you can't really tell anymore because the racists don't work. My mum had COVID, and it was only weeks afterwards that the dogs took blood and said, oh, yeah, it looks like you probably had COVID recently. So the PCRs were. PCR didn't work. Whoa. Same with my son. My son had something, and a couple of days ago went to the doctor,

and the doctor said, this looks like you just had COVID. So there's something about BA5 that's a bit sneaky. Well, that's really fascinating because I had a cult recently. I was absolutely wiped out and I was really quite disappointed in myself because I thought that I had let just something like a common cold wipe me out. I was in bed for days

and I did a PCR and it came back negative for all variants of COVID that PCRs detect at the moment and it also now, I'm not sure if anyone's done a PCR lately but they also tell you if you've got influencer A, influenza B or RSV. So what is RSV? Look, I'm not going to pretend to know but I'll pretend right now.

I saw that on the... I saw that on an invite to a barbecue once, though, is that not? No, so this is the thing. They test for so much stuff with the PCIs at the moment. Yeah, right. But apparently COVID-B-A-2 can still get through. Or isn't it a BA-5 or something? Maybe it's...

Mind-Pox. I'm thinking of bananas in pyjamas. That would be nice. BA-5. Monkey pox is... Because it's out now, they're saying it's going to be endemic in the US. It's now like 1,500 or something. Is it bad?

Isn't it smallpox? It's a form of smallpox. Oh, it's not just a little scab. It's like it does other things to your body. You know that that's an STI, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You get it by having bumsicks. I don't think it's monkey pox that is also going under the PCR.

Right, okay. I'm a person quite excited for monkey pox. I remember seeing COVID come by and I really missed a good shot to be anti-vax. Those guys were having so much fun. They were out on the street, punch and horse. dancing around. I reckon I'm going to be anti-vax this time. When monkeypox comes around, I'll be anti-vax for that one.

Well, so this is fascinating. We're going to talk a little about vaccines. So you know how we ripped into the government a lot in the last year or so because of not ordering enough vaccines? Yes. It was a pretty staple joke. They should have just ordered hundreds of millions. Well, Charles, they might have overcorrected.

Oh, dear. Yeah. Experts are now actually a bit pissed off at Australia and other First World Nations for ordering. far too many vaccines. Do either if you want to have a stab at guessing how many Australia ordered in the end? Well, okay, so there's 25 million people in Australia.

Yeah, yeah. And everyone's got to have two doses. Well, everyone's got to have four doses, don't they? So I reckon probably 75 million, they probably ordered 100 million, if you're saying they're over-ordered. Yeah, because I know that the reason why the booster hasn't been more widely available

is because they didn't have enough. Yeah, 100 million. I'd say 125. I think five per person. Okay, double that. What? Two hundred and fifty, no, sorry, sorry, not double. Two hundred and twenty-five million vaccines got ordered in the end.

So, eleven per person. What? Sorry, I'm only up to my nine. Well, bugger me. Yeah, because actually, it's not 25 million anyway, is it? Because under sixers can't have it. So, yeah, actually, like, 20. And then you take out for the 5% of the population, which are naturally anti-vax, which is fascinating.

Yeah. Yeah, 225 million. So what was the thinking there? Was it like Dr. Evil, where it's like, we were on a 225 million? No, I think it just feels nice to order those vaccines. There's nothing that warms your heart more than taking vaccines away from the third world. Yes.

Well, that's why Kevin Rudd probably got into it. Well, probably, I mean, Peter Dutton would have loved to take vaccines away from poor people. You know, that would have just rocked his own. world. They probably got it from their... You know how the World Health Organization had their Nova Vex scheme? Yeah, yeah.

I bet you. They went and stole all the vaccines from that screen. No, no, no, no. These are ours. No, we only... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, actually, it's fascinating. So the numbers are that, of the 225 million

that we've ordered, there's also a 40 million on top of that that got donated. So we ordered... Who's donating vaccines to Australia? No, no, we donated to them. Oh, okay. I'll tell you who's donating vaccines to Australia. Probably Australia.

Oh, yeah. It's a blind trust situation. Oh, no. But can't we just donate more? Like, there's parts of the world where there's only 20% vaccination rates. A lot of the third world has only 20% vaccination rates. How about we bring them here? As in, we open the borders?

Yeah, yeah. So we bring a heaps of refugees and then we have people to put our vaccines in. That's a very cute idea. I don't, I think, you know the ratings of now. That's very electable. You don't really understand Australia, Alexa. You just want that. You want your 12th chap.

Yes, yes, I do. So this is what's fascinating, is there is work being done. Albo's been in the news for the last week or so because he wanted to ditch pandemic leave. Oh, yes, that was a huge call. That was a great idea. Don't you think that that just reeked of Morrison-style governance? It was exactly the same playbook, which was do something completely ridiculously out of step

where everyone else was, you know, like just a federal government completely out of touch going, oh, wow, the numbers are going up, everyone's scared. Every state government wanted pandemic leave to stay on, whether they were lived or labour, they wanted it to stay on. And the federal government then just got kicking and screaming weeks late

into going, oh, okay, or back down. And it was just Morrison's playbook. He's just playing for Morrison's playbook. Is it like an echo of a government ghost past? I don't know. I think there's a lot of geniuses in Albo's office. And they've gone, how do we replicate the genius? These guys stayed in for nine years.

Yeah, exactly. They're getting the ball roll. So there was the, you wanted to get rid of pandemic leave. Yes. He also has recently rejected claims that people should. quarantine, it's a seven-day quarantine still for COVID and he's sort of gone, we're not lowering that, we shouldn't, there's no reason to lower that just yet, which, you know,

what was the proposal to... People saying that it shouldn't be a seven-day thing, it should be less. Oh, why? Because it's probably coming from the more financial or economic argument. Oh, so that's actually a good thing, like he's actually... He's actually, yeah, so I'd say that that's actually a good thing, but it was in the news recently.

Yeah. And fourth doses, fourth doses in our league. And didn't he do a press conference the other day? Just like two days ago he did a press conference, which was all about how great masks were and everyone should wear a mask. Yes, precisely. And none of the people at the press conference were wearing masks. You're going, you fucking idiots.

What the fuck? No, this is absolutely true. So what do we do? What do we do? With all of the spare vaccines. And we can't, so we can't donate them overseas. Why can't we just donate them overseas? Well, we could.

That's an option. Oh, okay. That's an option. But that seems not as fun. It seems very charitable. I don't think, I don't like that. Are the vaccines, are they just a vial or are they the full combo syringe? No, no, no, it comes with a syringe, yep.

Well, syringes are so useful. Yes. We could put so many other things in a syringe. Well, no, we could do, so what could we put in the syringes that would be better? Well, microchips. Yeah, yeah. Tiny 5G antennas. I think that we should go, we can use this for both research and we can make one-sided

politics happy, we could find out what the lethal dose is of vaccines and then make euthanasia a policy. Because there's that German guy who got like 96 vaccines because he was earning Because he was trying to get Australian citizenship. Ninety-six? Yes, yes. He was doing it as a way to get vaccine certificates. So in Germany, I think because of privacy, they just hand you a vaccine certificate each time

you get a vaccine. but it doesn't have your name on it. And then he was selling the vaccine certificates. So he just kept on doing it 96 times. Wow. So we could, I mean, we could see whether... Maybe we should be going to Germany. Well, actually, no, now we found out who ordered all of our vaccines.

That one German guy. Really bad idea putting him in charge of acquisition of vaccines. None of the medical advice contained in the chase a report should legally be considered medical advice. The chaser report. What else can we do with the... What else is a vaccine, a COVID vaccine useful for? Obviously, the issue here is we're at a loss of profit.

We spend all this money on vaccines. We're going to lose that. So we need to find a way to turn it into a profitable purchase. My pitch is... Yes. We take photos of each individual vaccine and we mint them as NFTs. Yes. Oh, cool.

Yes. And that way, you know, we can... start selling them on the market. You don't actually have to get jab because it's all in the blockchain. No, yes. It's a claim that this one's my vaccine. This is the one that I got. And then you make anti-vaxas happy because they can say, you know,

I purchased a vaccine, but they don't have to get vaccinated. Well, the anti-vaxers can not purchase an NFT of the vaccine as their protest. That can be their stance. I'm not buying that NFC. I'm not buying it. But it's so profitable right now. Now, it's as profitable. You think about it, it's the exact same market.

So we had vaccines were incredibly hard to get. Only the rich and the top of society were getting them. And now it's like, oh, any kid with a computer can quickly like organize to get himself jabbed. It's just like NFTs. They used to be this thing that everyone was making millions and millions of dollars. And now, as we've discussed at length on the podcast, the entire market's crashed. Yes. Thinking about it, they're both equally as,

useless, aren't they? Do you know what is going to happen to them? Are they just going to throw them out? So presumably they're just going to stay in storage. Because they expire. They expire. We're never going to hit our climate targets if we're running that many refrigerators to keep the vaccines alive.

Look, I think that Australia can become a world centre of research into vaccines, can't it? Because we've got all these spare vaccines. Do they make good toys? Let's do some research projects about that. Like you hand out the syringes to kids. See how inventive they are? Because we could then, if they, they could become the latest Christmas gift.

You know, like, you know, and as play dates, you'd go and inject your friends. Yes. No, it's a breath. Because kids love to play doctor and a nurse. Yes. But now you could actually, oh, Charles, you're a genius. Yes. Okay.

We've done it. I've got another pitch, though. Yeah. So I like the idea of giving them out as toys or memorabilia. With that many, what we should do is we should have a massive event or you pick an event that tons of people go to. Like, I don't know, the Easter show. And you go, hey, look, self-protection to defend themselves when they're at the Easter show.

Oh, yes. Because everyone's always getting attacked. Because everyone's getting sad. A she could go, oh, oh, you want to fight? How about them apples? I've got Novavax. Yeah. Maybe we'd just send them over to Ukraine.

Yes. And, you know, you could... You could drop them down. Yeah, drop them down. Very smart. Yes. And then, you know, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. You're not going to catch COVID.

Well, I think we've solved that problem. This week's very productive. Yesterday we solved climate change. Today we've solved the XX vaccine. And on Monday, we solved telling everyone about... all of the different branches of Australian media. Yeah, that totally worked. For those of you didn't listen on Monday, for whatever reason,

Charles did a reading of our 100th annual, or sorry, not 100th annual, 100th issue of the Chaser, which is fantastic, you can buy it online. I think there's a few copies left. Charles, you did a... Chaser shop.com? You did a reading of the Chaser's Guide to the Australian media.

Yes. Can I ask, there were lots of different things in that book that you didn't do a reading from? Could I maybe pick a page for you to... read from at the moment. Oh, right, okay. Yeah, sure. I'd love to get you a read.

One of my, one of my favorite segments. Oh, dear. What you found? The fantastic thing about this book is that it was written in the span of four days. And Charles would always come up to the other writers in the office and just say, oh, I want to bring back this thing from, we wrote it originally. It was fantastic. It was fantastic.

And he said one day, oh, Lachlan, I really want to bring back prostitute reviews. So, Charles, would you be willing to do? This is a column that Chris Taylor always wrote. Sorry, Seth Gordon is the name of the writer. It was a favourite. And it's actually, he's reprised this column, Seth Gordon. So this is prostitute reviews. This is from the Chaser 100th edition, available at chasershop.com.

And, yeah, every week we'd have a prostitute review. Well, let's put some nice sort of soundbeds behind this. Sort of prostitute review, something jazzy, sexy. Okay, and this is a review of Jared from Rushcutter's Bay, and it's three and a half stars out of five. The first thing that hits you is the heady fragrance of lavender. In fact, dried flowers are a feature of this gorgeous Victorian terrace, located on a charmingly sun-kissed cul-de-sac lined with georander trees and owls.

Sounds great. Not so bad so far. I've been buzzed in by the front-door Indycon. But when I push the door open, there's no one on the other side to greet me. No signs of life at all. Just strong wafts of lavender. They create a sense they put you in the place. It's very...

Oh, I'm there. I can smell lavender. I can smell lavender. I can smell lavender. Hello? I tend to believe to call out. Jared? No response.

I peer through a bedroom door, but there's nobody in there. Second bedroom further along, it's similarly empty. I walk upstairs to the second level, where the scent of lavender grows even sweeter. Instinctively gravitate. towards the winter sun that streams through a skylight at the north end of the house. Underneath its warm stand, a single door, which I push open to discover what must surely rank as one of the great penises of Sydney.

I immediately take it into my mouth. As a receiver of head, Jared is peerless, happy to surrender to the pleasure he's receiving, but never losing sight of who's paying to make this happen. In fact, in my 20 years of reviewing, I can't recall an afternoon of such sustained assertive intercourse. At its conclusion, collapsing into bare jeeps that wreak of man's sweat and sperm,

I realised something else too. We've managed to create an odour of our own to drown out the lavender. Whoa. And just to note that all visits are paid independently by the reviewers. Yeah. I thought this is meant to be funny,

but it's actually, it's just made me very jealous. I've never been able to describe a sexual situation that well. Damn, I feel like I've just been having sex wrong my whole line. Our gear is from road microphones and we are part of the ACASCRETA network. Get you tomorrow.