The Chaser Report - Vaxxed to the Max

Episode Date: April 5, 2022

Aleksa tries to uncover the motive behind the world's most vaccinated man. Meanwhile the verdict is in, and Dom has gives official review and recommendation of the Covid experience. Plus Lachlan warns of the threat of a new man-eating animal. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report for Wednesday the 6th of April. I'm Charles Firth and with me today are Alexa, Gabby and Dom. Hey. Hello. Hello, everyone. And so how are you going, Alexa? I'm good. I'm good.

I'm just thinking back about how I'm vaccinated and how great it was. Everyone's vaccinated here, right? Just a quick check through the company. How many times has everyone been vaccinated? I've been three times Looking forward to number four Yeah yeah I'm looking forward to four Are you over 65 Don that makes a lot of years

Yep yep Healthwise I'm on track Look we're looking forward for Hopefully we can get some more But we might not Break the record This week a man in Germany Has broken the record for the most vaccines

received by one person I heard about this How many times do you guys reckon This gentleman has been vaccinated I'll let the other two guests first I'm going to go is 17 17? Well, okay, it's probably more than 17 then. I was going to say something like six, but no, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm going to say 25, 25 times this person. I'll let you try again because it was a lot more. I'm going to say, I'm going to say 84. What?

Oh, pretty close. How much? We got 90 times. Why? He got 90 vaccines. Is that because he enjoyed the after effects? The sort of feeling. shit. He flies of boobies. Yeah, he's been vaccinated 90 times. But I thought, you know, true crime podcasts are pretty popular. Maybe we could crack the case and work out why this man got vaccinated 90 times. Do you have any ideas? Why would...

Hold on. So vaccinations have only happened for about, what, nine months or something like that. So they're sort of like 10 times per month. Yeah, they started about a year ago. Okay. So that's about once a week. Yeah. No, no.

Once every four days. Once every four days. This guy got vaccinated. For the past year, there's the question, how was he allowed to? Surely, why did he do it? This is a sad tale where he's got dementia. He's a 60-year-old man. He's going, oh, I should get vaccinated today.

That'll be a new experience. He's like, I feel awful. Or is it one of the side effects, a rare side effect of the vaccine is to forget that you've been vaccinated. Yes. And he's got that rare side effect. That's what it is. Well, you know, I thought you might have a different idea because I know you, Charles, to be quite a, quite a scrupulous entrepreneur.

Oh, it's to make money. Yeah, yeah. How do you money? So what he's been doing? Oh, because some places pay you will give you stuff when you get vaccinated. Like, remember you could get free donuts from like, yeah. It's a Dunkin' Donuts free beers. Having a donut every four days.

So he, so in some ways, this is very weird because like he's obviously very pro-vax. Yeah. And yet he's enabling Andy vex. Imagine if he was an anti-vacciner who was taking one for the team. That's pretty good. He's an uncommon Robin Hood. I don't know. I think it's super lucrative.

Are you going to do it? Well, mate, I'm thinking a completely unrelated note. We're going to hear the headline soon. And then also there might be an ad break, but it could be the last ad break you ever hear because I think there might be a brand new way for the Chase's Report to be funded. Let's go to Rebecca Dana Minow, straight after this.

Prime Minister, Scott Morrison, has continued to express confusion about how so many Aussies are willing to believe that he is in any way racist, following more historical allegations. The man who has previously claimed that slavery didn't exist and that Captain Cook is a hero has slammed the idea that he could ever be racially insensitive. The Liberal Party has backed up the Prime Minister with former Minister for Indigenous Affairs, Tony Abbott, saying that Morrison has never directed any racial slurs at him. Conservative news hosts have slammed so-called cancel culture after comedian Louis C.K. had to stop sexually harassing women

for the entire length of time that it took for him to accept his Grammy Award. Meanwhile, Hollywood celebrities have praised the admitted sexual assaulter, saying that although he openly jokes about what he did, at least he didn't slap anyone at the award show, which would be the sign of a complete monster. Local young people have expressed disappointment after they have gone zero for three on their mission to buy either a house, petrol or avocado toast.

When speaking to a representative for the young people community, journalists were shocked to hear that struggling Aussies don't seem to care about the political ramifications and nuances regarding whether they should be able to afford their needs after working 10-hour days. instead focusing on their actual lives and day-to-day problems. I'm Rebecca Dana Moono from the Chaser News Desk and I think I'm going to treat myself to a top-shelf glass of petrol tonight.

Now today is in many ways a sad day for me, you three. Today is the day when New South Wales Health has judged me able to leave COVID quarantine. It's been seven days since I first... contracted the novel coronavirus and I've got to say it's been a fantastic seven days. It's been a wall-to-wall joy ride. I recommend COVID to everyone. I can't believe I was on board with COVID zero for so long and I was so scared. Honestly, it's just, it's just fun.

I'm here to ask me anything. None of you have had it. I don't think it is just honestly, it's got a bad rap. I think go and get infected today. In fact, if you want to come over, I can give you a few, sneaky. I think I've still got some viral load I can share with you if you want. So what are the symptoms, Dom? Because my understanding of the symptoms based on you over the last seven days is that one of the symptoms is that you complain a lot. Is that?

Yeah, no, but don't I always? I mean, this is the thing. It's really, it's hard to, to separate the disease from the winger. The host. This is the beauty of COVID, because what it's enabled me to do is live my best life as usual. but with more sympathy. So usually when I complain, people would say it's just annoying, he's just a lame, whatever. Whereas this time I was like,

oh, the poor guy, he's got COVID. He must be really doing it tough. And you can just say, oh, I'm just a bit grumpy. I'm a bit brain fogged. It's just, it's just really tough. Are there any, like,

upsides to COVID that no one talks about? Like other things that, like, like, does, I don't know, does your arm grow really strong and you can punch walls or something? No, you don't want to punch anything, except sink into your pillow. and go to sleep.

But no, you can be lazy. This is a beautiful thing about COVID. You can be very lazy again. People have been saying that like it's a bad thing. But I'm lazy all the time. But this week, I'm officially allowed. You've got an excuse. Yes.

For doing nothing. You know, I have all these things due. I had all these deadlines. I was getting in a bit of trouble from someone I'm doing, a bit of working for. And I just sent him an email saying, mate, I've got COVID. I'm really sorry. And he's like, oh, say no more. No worries.

So my case is going to go. for a very, very long time. I got a break for the past week. I got the first break I've had in about a year. I'm a good economy worker, right? I just never get a... No, I'm not on the podcast. I'm doing some other job.

So this is the only time I've got to rest in years. So anyone with casualty employment, sure you won't get paid, but you'll be allowed to have a break. How long do you reckon someone can claim to have long COVID until you're allowed to question them? Well, this is my plan, Alexa. So far, it's been pretty mild.

I've got no signs of long-goat, but my goodness, am I going to milk this for a very, very long time to come. But that's not all. You also get eight weeks of immunity. So you get eight weeks of not having to worry about anything. I mean, I could go clubbing, I could go probably around the world. No, no way, of course not. But people who like that sort of stuff, you basically eight weeks. And if you see anyone COVID, even even in your house, if you get exposed to COVID, they can't lock you away twice.

It's like double jeopardy. So you get eight weeks where you can't get, you know, force to isolate. My wife had that where she was a close contact because her kids both had it. And then she rang up the Health Department and they went, oh yeah, no, you don't have to keep isolating even though you haven't had it. Because it's like you've done your time. It's the most illogical rule in the history of the universe. But look, there's lots of other upsides.

I got to spend time with my family. admittedly after the past two years it's the thing I least needed of all the things my daughter's been as you know she's had lots of viruses recently she hasn't got this one

the reasons that I completely don't understand but he's immune he doesn't have to lock down even if she does yeah that's it so I'm completely fine yeah just leave your daughter at home bug it easy yeah I think she can look after herself now I also I learnt new things about my body

I had no idea that I was able to generate this much snot in the course of a wing. It has just been... It's been hundreds of tissues, honestly. You should be like that German entrepreneur guy, but instead of selling vaccine passports, sell your...

COVID's not. I sure. If people want to catch COVID, people want to catch it. Can pretend they've got COVID by using some of your mucus on their teeth. In a rat, right. Yes. And then enjoy the high life that you've been living for last week. That's the thing.

It's a lifestyle choice. So many people seem to think that we've missed out in the past. few years, because COVID's ruined. I'm here to tell you, it's a better, it's a better way to live. And what I'm really hoping to be patient to hero for a new variant. Oh, yes, that's the goods.

The Chaser Report, news a few days after it happens. And Loughlin joins us to talk about man-eating animals? Oh, yeah. Guys, there is a new threat to our country that I've just found out. Another one. It's not COVID, it's not China, it's not Russia, it's not anything else.

The Harold's son? No, it's not even the Herald Sun. It's even more deadly and gruesome than that. It's actually an invasion that's already on our shores that we've got to protect ourselves from. Clive Pomerate. No, not quite. We've got animal warfare on us again. Are the emus back?

It's not emus. We've got a new animal that we need to declare war on. Qualls. Qualls. Qualls. They're so cute. They're cute. Wait, what is a quall?

See, I write a book about this. There's a quill and a quaker. They're different things. Oh. But they're both very cute. They're both adorable. That's it. If anyone's listening to the podcast, you should Google Quoll.

Google Qualls if your stomach can handle it. That vicious little thing. It's like Bambi had a baby with a teddy bed. Yeah. It's sort of beautiful. like rat type things but with big ears and spotty bodies

freckles. Yeah, it's like if Disney drew a rat it looks beautiful. Look you guys can say that they're cute all you want but you will change your mind when you hear this devastating new scientific fact which is new research shows Qualls have developed a taste for human flesh.

What? Yeah. Literal man eaters. Aren't they they're marsupials? The vegetarians are they? Carnivorous. What, really? So apparently at the University of Adelaide for the last 12 years

they've been researching this. Have they been trying to get qualls to develop the taste for humans? No. Go on, take a bite. Yeah, well, that's it. They found solid proof of over 111 accounts of qualls eating human flesh. Have they been trying to train them up to restart eating humans?

Because that, to me, is the logical next step. Oh, we could start. So rather than ask, going into war with the qualls, we team up with them and we start taking them onto our side. If you can't beat them, join them. That's what I reckon. Who needs nuclear subs when you've got vicious man-eating animals? We have lots of those, though. It's just interesting to me that qualls are the ones that are actually following through, you know? Like you always hear these stories of like, sharks are

dangerous. And then you hear the counter story of like, no, sharks are just swimming where they want to swim and they're like, they're predatory animals. And if you get in their territory, it's your fault. Qualls, however, no one's going to see that one coming. No, that's the thing. We could just sort of release them onto the battlefield. It's the perfect crime. They're so cute. I don't even like war anymore. Like, I feel like

it's great. The problem is, before we get our hopes up, the research also proved that these vicious pests eat human corpses. So they don't actually eat us alive and they only eat what's

already dead. I don't Isn't that group? I mean, we were run out of graveyards in some parts of Australia. Maybe we just feed all the corpses to the qualls. Send them to the quoll yard. This is making me rethink a lot of Australian history. Yeah. These qualls have just been eating people under our very noses.

We didn't notice. What happened with, like, Lindy Chamberlain Creighton, you know, claiming a dingo ate a baby. You know, maybe she was wrong about that, but she was right about it. Quoll. I mean, I do know that the researchers in Tasmania are actually, mixing thylacine DNA with quol DNA. Whoa.

No, this is honestly true. Oh, it's true. To create a super monster. More genetically diverse quals, right? Because they've actually managed to find a bit of thylacine DNA, you know, Tasmanian Tiger. But I now see that actually the secret plan is clearly to create man-eating thylacines, which would be terrifying.

That would be terrifying on the same. the battlefield. I don't even know what a fireless scene is. That's why it's so scary. Tasmanian tiger. Oh. To be fair, that seems far more likely than Australia getting, you know,

working fighter jets or submarines. Yeah, yeah. What a roller qualster. There is good news, though, which despite us going to war with the Qualls or if we take them onto our side, the threat has been neutralised before it ever, the invasion ever started.

Which is because qual populations are dwindling across the mainland. We got to. His story's been a real role of quality. I'm fucking over it. I made that joke two minutes ago. Two whole fucking minutes ago.

And no one laughed. And Dom heard me because the two of us shared this, no one likes me here. And then two minutes later, he says the joke and you're all on board. I'm fucking over it. I just thought I brought it as an AB test. I'm going to join the Qualls. And it turns out Texism does exist, Gabby.

Well, for whom the bell qualls, isn't it? Oh, God. It's taken a quall in all of us. Okay, our gear is from road my quall phones. What noise does a quall make? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.