The Chaser Report - Victorian Children See Sun for First Time

Episode Date: November 20, 2022

Andrew has caught himself in a parenting conundrum and has to run a children's birthday party, and unfortunately Charles' advice leans toward the violent side, so Andrew is forced to check the internet for help. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence. This is the Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report. I'm Charles Firth. And once again, please welcome back, Andrew Hansen. Oh, yes, I'm back here on the pod without Dom Knight. This is the Chaser Report without Dom Knight. So please do keep listening.

Although he's coming back, I think. Is he eventually returning or am I now taking over full time? No, we've got some bad news. We just found out today that he's coming back. Oh, well, okay. The fans of non-DOM. episodes will be shattered. Sorry, bad news.

Well, I think that's pretty much all every listener, isn't it? You're very cruel about it. The host is not here. Hey, Charles, I'm this afternoon, gearing up to host my five-year-old's birthday party. Well, she's going to turn six very soon. Oh, yes, right. Okay. Well, it's not nice.

No, it's not. Well, they're lovely. Aren't they lovely at that age? The party preparations are not nice. They're not nice at all. It's the most stressful, horrible. thing that she's ever gone through for one thing. I mean

she's miserable. She's absolutely miserable. Why? Why? Because of all the potential things that could go wrong I didn't realize that this is what happens with kids' birthday. Has she inherited your neuroses? I think so, yes, yes. With certain types of kids, and especially with COVID kids, it's all about, oh but what if it

rains? What if nobody turns up? What if NAN doesn't come? What if the party bags aren't ready? What if I lose my clothes? What if the playground has been replaced by a property developer I mean, they're all quite likely things that may happen. Yeah, especially because you live in Victoria. What if the government imposes a months-long lockdown?

Yes, I know it could happen at any minute. Does that mean she's missed out on the last few birthdays because of COVID? Yeah, most Victorian kids haven't had a birthday party in about three years, Charles. Jesus, okay. Well, you just sort of have a little thing at home where you quietly sit, you know, just mummy and daddy and the kids. in your hovel. Now, look, I thought I would bring it along, you know, because I needed to plan this children's party with my wife.

And she did it all, thank God. But I tried to help by looking up some tips on the internet. Oh, no. And there's some great tips I'm going to share with you that I discovered on various internet articles. This is useful to me as well, because my son is turning 12 on Saturday. Oh, well, come into it. And we've got a party plan.

But we actually learned long ago What you should do is you should outsource it to somebody else Can you do that? The whole key, yeah, yeah, it costs money but it's much better to just, you know, go and do a structure, like we're going camping bowling.

Oh, you don't have to bother with anything. Oh, okay, so you book, you just book the venue and they do everything. There's no, there's no, you don't have to go to effort. I see what you do. All right. You know.

But for those who can't afford to do that. So party bags, that's the first thing. Oh, right, yes. What the hell do you put in those things? What do you put in party bags? I got some suggestions. These are real suggestions from like children's parenting websites for things that you could put in party bags.

So mostly I assume there's American websites. Well, one thing that kids might apparently want to take home in the party bag is a game of Uno. So you could buy a separate game of Uno. I mean, this is the most expensive. What? The most expensive party game. For every child at the party

They ought to have a packet of the uno That's like a $30 card game Yeah One for each kid You wouldn't do that? No! No, definitely not! But at least one knows fun Because here's another suggestion

Equally unaffordable What about Every child receives a science kit What, in the little lolly bag? Yes, they're talking about that Yeah I mean for one thing The science kit's not going to fit in a lollie bag

Is it? Who wrote these? It's like Jeff Bezos or something. Yeah, and this is what I like to do with my children. Look, if they're too expensive, what about some fun ideas? Can I hit you with some fun-up? Oh, yeah, fun, yes. The child might like to have in a party.

What about a stress ball? Well, actually, can I be honest and say, my kids love stress balls? What? You're kidding me. What do they do with them? Well, they just squish them. They're just squishy. You know, because, well, you've got to realize I put my kids to work for eight hours a day.

So they're very stressed at work. Needs de-stress. Yeah, that's right. They come home. Oh, well, that kind of makes sense. Well, all right. Okay, I accept that a stress ball is huge fun for your children. What would your children think if they were given a party bag and in it was this suggestion, a lanyard?

Do you think they have a good time with a lanyard? Is that a fun thing for them? That's sort of genius, I reckon. because you know how you always end up with lanyards? You do end up with lanyards. You've always got one from some of them that you don't even remember a 10. But also if you ever go to the ABC, they give you a lanyard, which you're supposed to hand back at the end.

Oh, of course, every official building that I ever go into. And then you never hand it back and you end up with a huge, like a great big plastic card with a massive loop off. I think that's genius because it looks like adulty and meaningful. People can go around pretend. there from channel 7 news or channel 9 or the CSIRO CSIRO like doesn't that feed into your child's imagination uh here's one you could you could do and I wonder what my my turning six year old kid would think if she was given a small pot with a succulent in it do you think what would your son your son loved that

no he wouldn't at all like he wouldn't have his face suffused with joy Daddy, look, I've got a succulent. I mean, unless your child was 60 years old, my mum likes succulents. Oh, what's this lovely succulent. Yeah, my mum wouldn't mind that in a party. What's the thing? Is it because, like, what is the actual, like, where...

There was no explanation, I'm afraid, on this website. It just said that that's what that's... You know what I think. It wasn't sponsored by a succulent plant company. Oh, you're too cynical. You're a cynical. No, this was a well-meaning flower blog, okay? They just want to make the party good.

Well, now, the other thing, I don't know how you deal with this, Charles, but giving the party a theme. I mean, I didn't even know the party had to have a theme. I think that's a very good idea. You think it should? Definitely. We've always had themed parties, definitely. What themes have you had? Well, the best party we ever had was Angus wanted to have a Star Wars themed party.

And I dressed up as Darth Vader My wife dressed up as Princess Leia And it was pretty cool That would work As long as Jar Jar Binks wasn't there I suppose it was a good party That's right, yeah But I just remember

By far the funnest part of that party was Because I had a whole You know like mask and anything like that It was out in the park And they were quite young They were like three or four years old Three or four They weren't to Star Wars

I scared all the kids Like, I would just go, I am Darth Vader, I am going to kill you. Kids are not supposed to watch Star Wars, Charles, until they're about age. Well, what do you use when you want to work or something like that? You just use the TV, you put the TV on. Yeah, but I don't show them frightening science fiction. Who? They show unicorns and rainbows and things like that.

They're tiny children. Well, you want... You should have a bluey themed party then. Surely that's the only party that's allowed in 2020. They're only blue-y or friends. There's no other, no such thing is in anything. Oh, Frozen. You had Frozen.

Well, no, I mean, look, we haven't actually. And today's, my daughter's party has no theme because I didn't know who was supposed to have one until I started researching this bloody thing. What about you have a theme party involving that well-known literary character? Fuck, what's his name? Fred Sharkey. Don Quixote? No, no. What's the one?

What's your book's called? Oh, my book. My own books. Oh, yes, great idea. Bab Sharkey and the animal... Bab Sharkey, that's it. Bab Sharkey. Why aren't there more Bab Sharkey and they're all themed?

Bab Sharkey themed... There should be far more of those. With that well-known children's... Well, I know. The beloved children's character. Well, I don't know why he's not as popular as bluey. I really don't know. And then you could put copies of Bab Sharkey in the lolly bag at the end.

Well, I caught, yes, we're in a remainder bin. Some wholesome literature on the way out the door. Yes. To go with the... succulents. What's the reason that you chose a Star Wars themed party? No, look, I actually, I don't think, I think you're right. I think he hadn't probably watched Star Wars at that point.

But it was sort of zeitgeisty and also crucially, very easy to, you can buy from Kmart Star Wars costumes for like five bucks, right? You can also buy non-scarry costumes from Kmart Charles. You could buy. But also, no, and this is crucial because he was a boy, right? And boys love swords, right? Oh, yes. And so we made, and I think this is the actual reason why we did the whole theme,

was we saw on the internet this tip, just like you're reading out, which was to get the, you know, those long pool noodles, which only cost like five bucks or something. And we cut them into about three or four pieces, each pool noodle into three or four pieces, wrap some black, you know, gaffer tape around one end, turn them into lightsabers, and also, and they don't hurt at all, because they just made of floppy foam. And we gave every single person at the party.

Like it was like 12 kids, a lightsaber. And that was the party. That was the party done. Just for two hours, everyone was getting each other with these lightsaber. Now you tell me. Now you tell me. This is too late, this information. Okay, that's one way that you arrived at Star Wars by a very roundabout route.

No, it wasn't because my child was interested in Star Wars. It was affordable. Yeah, it could involve violence. Now, this blog says this. It says, your child's, and this is a real, this is a real eye opener, your child's interests will help narrow down the party theme options. If they love animals, for example, a zoo party might be a perfect choice. I mean, who would have thought?

That's genius. You should theme the party over something your child is interested in. Because you're right, I didn't find that at first. But it does seem very obvious. Yes. I wish I'd read that informative blog post. Well, I'm telling you now. Now, here's another.

What does your child, what's your sort of five-year-old, six-year-old interested in? Well, she's interested. It's a list of girly things, you know. We haven't tried to, we haven't steered her towards girl in us at all, but I asked her what she's interested in. And the answer was, unicorns, rainbows, sparkles, love hearts. kitty corns and puppy corns, you know. So that's what she's interested in. I don't think the lightseys would cut it.

She's a girl or a boy? I can't quite work it out. Hey, don't get gendered on me. So, and how do you translate that into a party? Well, you just, we're not going to. We're just going to settle the kids together and they can talk about rainbows. Yeah, right. And are you going to have, are you going to have games?

Are you going to do past the passing? No. But it's too hard. Like you said, we haven't hired somebody to do this. So, no, we're just going to put them in a playground. We're going to go to a playground and say, there you go, have fun. Yes, and because they're Victorian, they'll go, oh my God, this is a novel experience. What's this?

What is this place? I've never seen such a thing in my life. Well, if you're, speaking of themes, here are some example themes that I found on the internet. One of them is, why not old a 1980s themed children? Why? What? Imagine my six-year-old would be so thrilled to turn up to an 80s party. You'd first of all have to explain to her the concept of the 1980s. Yes, yes, of decades and history.

I think that's for narcissist parents, isn't it? It clearly is. Yes, it's clearly... So that's the sort of thing that Amanda and I would do. It is definitely what you would do. It's like the Star Wars thing that you did. You know, it's for you. It's not for the kids. It's for you.

And what would the 1980s themed party be? It would be full of heroin junkies and... Yeah, cocaine, you know. Oh, yeah, Coke. You dressed the kid up in shoulder pads and they'd be wondering why you did that to them. And it'd be all second wave feminism. So you'd claim that everyone was equal,

but the boys would get everything. I think a lot of that, yes. Yes. A lot of electronic drum kits will be playing. The kids might like that, actually. They might actually like that. And you could get a Michael. Jackson impersonated to come to the party

Who Risky You're talking That's hard It depends which parts of his lifestyle They impersonate I suppose Hmm That would be very

Any other themes Yes Get this for a steam What about A STEM themed A STEM themed Birthday party Function

No Oh they'd be thrilled All right So Look I think our two children's parties are sorted. So when, when is her party? This afternoon.

It's going to be this afternoon. Yeah. So can you come back and let us know, like, next week, how it all went? I will, I'll let you know how it panned out. Our Gives and Brode, we are part of the Acast Creator Network. Catch you next week. Thank you for your patience. Your call is important.

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