The Chaser Report - Victoria's Viral Victory | James Schloeffel

Episode Date: September 28, 2021

Victoria has finally beaten NSW's daily case numbers, so James Schloeffel from The Shovel stops by to gloat in victory. Meanwhile Aleksa unpacks the latest Brexit debacle, and Dom and Gabbi try to understand the Covid roadmap. Plus Charles shares his latest entrepreneurial mishap. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This episode, The Chase Report, is sponsored by Climate Change. Climate Change is a little negative press and no one talks about the good they can come from it. Like, are you a hay fever sufferer? Well, likely for you, climate change is working hard to ever bring all together, which will mean no more snuffly nose for you. Thanks, climate change. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is the Chase of Report.

Hello and welcome to the Chaser Report for Wednesday, the 29th of September, 2021. Hello, Charles Firth and Gabby Bolt. Hey, dumb night. What's going on? Clarity. Clarity is here at last. We finally have roadmaps, not just in New South Wales, but in Victoria and the ACT as well. For how we're going to reopen and exit the hell we've been living in, greener pastures lie ahead.

It's all very clear. I've got the roadmap right here. I can answer any questions you may have about a glorious free future. That's great. So when are we going to be able to go down to Melbourne and see our friends in Melbourne? That's not yet clear. That depends on complex interstate border negotiations. But within New South Wales, I can do.

tell you that you can go to regional areas probably from the 25th of October, unless the 18th of October, but it could also be later in October or perhaps November, depending on the vaccination rate, and also the spread of the virus on each given day. That hasn't been announced yet. What about if I want to, like, when can we come back into the office? Well, that entirely depends on whether or not you're able to work from home. And if you're not vaccinated, you are required to work from home unless you can't work from home. If you are vaccinated, you are able to return to the office when you can, but you've got to wear a mask until the 1st of December.

I think, Dom, Dom. Dom, I thought you said this was all providing clarity. Yeah, I've got the, I did a very comprehensive plan, which is basically just a Microsoft Word document in PDF form that I've got here. It's about four pages long. And I'm not saying it's hard to understand, but there's a bit of detail. We'll be able to visit each other if we're all doubly vaccinated, and it's after the 15th. Okay.

And it's after the 11th of October, in which case, if you're unvaccinated it after the 1st of December. Oh, I just shut up. But hang on, but if it's the 25th of October, we can have 10 people over. Does you want to invite me over? Because I know all about the roadmap. No. I should have seen the lack of clarity coming when they called it a map, to be honest. I think that the roadmap is actually designed to put us into a sort of fetal position

where we don't understand it so much that we don't want to go out anymore. That's exactly it. And therefore, we'll all stay safe. I've already been in that position for three months, Charles. The conservatives in the Nisophiles government want everything to be opened up and let it rip. Gladys and the people who actually follow advice don't want that. So instead they've released a plan for opening. that is so complicated and confusing that no one's going to leave the house ever.

Yep. I think that's, I mean, that's genius. That's just, that's 5D, that's 6D chess. When we'll be, we'll be able to play a game of chess against each other, Don? Is that in the roadmap? At what point vaccination am I allowed to board my house up and never leave? You can do that today. In fact, you should.

I'll be doing that today. I won't be on the rest of the podcast, guys. I'll be too busy barricading my home. I think if you want to understand the complexity of the plan, And all you need to know is that Gladys has refused to call it Freedom Day because there's no specific Freedom Day because there is no freedom. And yet we are theoretically free. And for that, I'm theoretically grateful.

Coming up on the show today, we're talking to James Schleffel from Victoria because Victoria has once again got across, you know, beaten New South Wales, basically, and had more COVID cases yesterday than us. So they're in the lead. They've taken back their mantle. Congratulations, Victoria. And apparently Brexit is a complete debacle. They can't even restock supermarkets.

Who knew that cutting themselves off from the massive European Union would be an act of self-harm? If I need someone to warn them. But first, let's head to Rebecca Dayunamuno in the Chaser Newsroom right after this. Are you still here, Gabi? I thought you're boarding yourself out. Oh, sorry, let me get back to... The government that hounded a grandmother to death

over a $200-dollar robodet bill says it has no intention of paying France's $66 billion bill. A spokesperson said that debts didn't need to be honoured except when the person with the debt was poor and defenceless, in which case it needed to be paid immediately. Barnaby Joyce has claimed that climate scientists who predicted coral bleaching back in 1995 was just an extremely lucky guess.

The leader of the National Party said that although scientists were correct about the ice caps, bushfires, permafrost, coral bleaching and sea rises, he's sure they were just five amazing coincidences. As the world prepares for the climate summit in Copenhagen, Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison has said he understands the urgency of the task ahead and has announced a comprehensive plan for swift inaction. That's the latest chase and news you can't trust.

I'm the real Rebecca Dayunamuno and not some cheap knock-off. you can buy on Alibaba for five bucks. The Chaser Report, less news, more often. So Charles, Craig and Gabby yesterday was a momentous day in the history of this outbreak because New South Wales had 863 new COVID cases. But Victoria, for the very first time, had more 867 cases. So to gloat slash mark the occasion we have with us, James Schleffel from the shovel, our Melbourneian friend, hello James.

Hello, Dom. Hello, everyone. How are you? We're great. Not enough COVID around, but the other than that, you know? Do you know what? I've actually stopped tracking COVID numbers. I've got a new measure now, which is earthquakes. And can I just say that we've had another donut day here in Victoria, zero earthquakes.

And our seven-day moving average is down to 0.14. So I think there's a lot to celebrate in Victoria. Congratulations. Thank you. You don't have earthquakes in New South Wales, do you? your kind of gold standard when it comes to earthquakes. Well, we are gold standard in seismology. I guess in the 80s in Newcastle, that was the last one.

It's a bit par se. That shows the lack of generosity that Victoria has, right? Because as soon as we got the Delta virus, we're like, oh, let's share it with Victoria. But you guys get an earthquake and you just keep to your fucking selves. It's so selfish of you, James. That's how we operate here. We want to keep it to ourselves. But look, we are trying to get the earthquake numbers down.

Dan Andrews has said that once we hit 12, 28 days straight of no earthquakes, we can have a friend over. So that's a transfer to it. What's your moving seven days average on Nazi rallies? I think that's over a thousand now. That's really gone through the roof. Look, a lot of people were asking the question, were they really construction workers that were protesting or were they just actually outsiders? And the union, I don't know if you saw this, but the union came out with a pretty convincing statement on this. They said they definitely work construction workers because there's just no way that 2000 tradies are all going to turn up at the scheduled time. Yeah, have you joined any of

the protest, James? No, I haven't. I think that's probably something to steer clear off. I think don't like freedom, hey? Don't like freedom. Don't like super spreader events, Craig. But it worked. I mean, you guys got the number one spot yesterday. But you know what? Like, it's not even how tradies would protest anyway. Like if tradies were going to go to a protest, there'd be one person protesting and then six people just standing around in a circle looking on. Well, and they cancelled the lunchrooms. Wasn't that what the, one of the tradies grievances was that you couldn't have a sandwich with your mates? And isn't that the biggest escalation? Like, I think it was on the Monday. Their protest was they set up tables out in the street and they had a cup of tea.

And then literally two days later, there were 2,000 people at a war memorial. So just out of interest, what is actually happening? Like, have they cracked down on or do they just continue protesting? What is actually happening? I think there's a little spot protest. We have one just around the corner from where I live and it was all shut down very, very quickly. I had to go to pick up my click and collect from Colesb,

and that was very inconvenience by that. I bet the roads look amazing now. Oh, they do. But as they go, protest, protest. Oh, that's a pothole, just clean that one up. Protests, you know, roads must look awesome. They should do that here. It's not the protest bit, the road fixing.

But, you know. But our roads, Sydney's roads absolutely saved them because our transport system and our roads are so shit that it was like every time they tried to have a protest, they only had to put police on three roads and they shut off the entire city. This is like it's so shit, it's so hard to get to the city. But that is actually true because the truckies had a protest here. Do you remember that? They had a protest and not to tell the difference between. being in a traffic jam and a normal day in Sydney traffic. Yeah, yeah.

And James, this is a shock you, but no one could tell the difference during a COVID lockdown and a normal day in Sydney traffic. I'm confused, though, James. I can't to get you to clarify is that I honestly, quite sincerely, can't understand from my media consumption if people are upset with Dan Andrews or not. Because there's so many Murdoch articles saying that people are

that I don't believe, that I just can't believe anything that I read about Victoria anymore. I honestly don't know. There's definitely a lot of love for him, but there's definitely a lot of hate for him as well. I don't know. I've got no idea. We've got an election next year.

We'll find out. I think he'll win. But who knows? Who knows? It's just really good to cross to somebody in the place with some real knowledge. It's right. Yes. Expert opinion.

So we've just been talking about earlier in the podcast, our roadmap and the way out of here this week. What do things look like for you? Is this just, is lockdown the new normal? You're now the most lockdown city in the world. Is that just what Melbourne is now? I think so. Like, we've got a roadmap, but it doesn't seem to be as clear as yours.

And we're a couple of weeks behind us. I think that the strategy here is to see how much New South Wales fucks it up. I think that's basically the strategy we're going with. So we should know that in about two or three weeks, I guess. I think you actually knew it about two months ago, James. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the answer is a fuck ton. The mystery of it is that you watched us how much we fucked up.

earlier, but you still followed us. Yes, I know. I don't know. It's a weird vibe. I just think everyone's is completely over it. Everyone's kind of not even sure what's happening and just kind of getting through it. I don't know. Hopefully in a month or so we'll start to open up and things will be better.

A bit of an awkward question to close with. When do you think we're going to be welcome back in Melbourne? When can people from Sydney visit again? Well, I think now that we've passed your case numbers, I think it's very, very soon. I think it's any matter of time, isn't it? Well, I'm a removalist. Does that mean I can come in earlier? Please, haven't you been coming in anyway? Isn't it something you do every day?

No, it's really annoying. You have to get tested. And if you don't have delta virus, I don't let you in. This episode of The Chase Report is sponsored by climate change. Soon, the Earth will get so hot. It'll be like Bikram Yoga all the time. You greenies love that shit. So why not support climate change today? Charles and Gabby, the strange things happened over in the UK. Brexit's not going very well. Um, it's shocking, isn't it?

Kelsupreeze. What? So Alex has been taking a look at the disaster that's been insuring over the past few weeks. Hey, Alexa. Hey, hey, yeah, it's terrifying, terrifying stuff happening in England. State of chaos. 90% of petrol pumps are dry. Oh, God.

There's no petrol. Wait a minute. Did they not realize that they imported petrol or something? Is there what's happened? It's not so much about the imports, but it is Brexit-related, because, um, I mean, before all their trucks were driven by Poles and Romanians and all my other cousins back in Eastern Europe but now they can't come anymore they can't come and drive the trucks and they've got a shortage of like 10,000 truck drivers wow so they had all these people who

came in through the frame movement did all the crap jobs that people actual British people didn't want to do and then they tell them all to go away now there's jobs that need to be done so no one's driving petrol gosh who who warned them of this I mean this is why the US never seriously cracks down an immigration right because their entire economy is sustained by cheap stuff from over the border no it's it's it's incredibly lucrative but yeah it's it's getting pretty terrifying at the moment um i mean it was kind of exacerbated by panic buying um and now there are just like fights at every petrol station which maybe was normal in england anyway because i think they like to hit each other like fighting yeah like that in football or the sort of co-national sport i think

but now there's a very serious reason for the fights and and so what happens when society runs out of petrol. Doesn't that also then mean... Tell you what, you meet your Kyoto targets, that's for sure. Global warming, not a problem anymore in England. No, but if there's not enough truckers and there's not enough petrol, doesn't that mean they'll start running out of food? Isn't this a total catastrophe?

It is pretty bad, but, you know, I think it might be a golden opportunity for the conservatives in the UK. I think they're onto something really good here. Haven't they created this whole debacle by supporting Brexit? but there's a really good reason for it right so i mean against all odds uk has been voting conservative consistently and i think people want to you know want to return to tradition they've got guys like jacobrease mog floating around at the top of the conservative party you know like noblemen actual genuine aristocrats and this is the perfect time to return to tradition

in the UK because without any petrol in the country what will the UK need to get around horses horses the horses will be back oh my god which means the landed dentry will be back in power and the United Kingdom will become a real kingdom again, you know? Fuck yeah. Beheading's in the town square, everyone. It's fucking sick. It's what they've been dreaming of this whole time. That's why the Queen's been hanging on so she can say,

at last, you vassals need me, fuck off Parliament. It's amazing. This is sick. There's going to be little clipclops through the main streets of London. It'll be beautiful. And they'll create jobs because people need to fucking start shoveling the horseshit again. Brilliant. Yeah, and then so they'll have to get some immigrants back in.

and don't shovel the horse shit because no one in England's going to want to do that. No, I reckon they'll have a whole new class of serfs. Yes. I think the problem solves itself. I think petrol was a curse for England and now they're back to tradition and order. Pre-industrial society.

At what point do the beheadings begin? Because I'm looking forward to seeing some of that on live TV. Well, I thought that's what they were trying to do at the petrol station with all the fighting. I thought there was just people trying to behead each other. Mind you, I think Harry and Megan might be first and second end in line for the beheadings. They're fine. Do you have any idea

how long it takes to get to England from Canada when you haven't got any petrol? They're going to have to get on a boat. They're going to have to sail the seas. It's going to be like around the world in 80 days. It's so much harder for the Queen to orchestrate a boat crash. Titanic. Because I must say, I thought when I first read this news,

I thought, well, I lived in England for a couple of years. You don't want to go anywhere. Like, the rest of it outside London is incredibly boring. So I thought it was not really a problem. And also, don't they enjoy walking? That's the sense I always give you. The English. Oh, well, I'll just go for a Great British Walk.

They can just do that. What show are you watching? Sherlock Holmes. Great British Walk off. No, that's Brexit. So, wait, so, okay, we bring back beheadings. We bring back horses in sense of cars and trucks. I, for one, accept this new tutorship.

I'm fine with it. The only difference would be I get pretty corsets, It's horses dragging me around, but I keep my rights. That's the main thing. We don't want a handmaid and tail. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, give me rights. No, no, hold on. No, no, no, give me rights.

What kind of feudalism, don't you understand, Gabby? Once the horses come back, it goes men, horses, women. Oh, for fuck's sake. I guess we better fix the petrol problem. I mean, have you not seen the way Boris Johnson's been acting? He's been impregnating his underlings like a lot of the manor for decades. The Chaser Report, news a few days after it happens. As COVID restrictions ease in your area, it is important to understand the updated rules that are in place.

Your state government has created this simple explainer for the future roadmap towards the pathways beyond the horizon moving forward. Freedom Day is coming up sooner than you think. It has been brought forward to the Monday after the Wednesday before the day when Mercury moves into retrograde. Check with your local Wigan for more details. You are now free to go on a walk up to 11 kilometres from your home, but no close. closer than 10 kilometres to your house. And only due north, and only using your right foot, unless otherwise advised. Cabab shops will now be permitted to stay open until 6am, but they will not be permitted

to serve cabs. Bars and clubs will also be open again, but drinking, standing, dancing, drinking, chatting, flirting and drinking will be strictly prohibited. Eating chips must be done with a face mask on and only in groups of less than 100. Schools will now be open to students, however online learning is to continue being utilised in classrooms. Teachers will not be permitted on campus. Places of worship will now be open statewide. But only to conduct rituals involving child sex offences.

Theaters and cinemas are open again to all double-jabbed citizens. But they'll only be playing movies starring James Corden. All picnics are banned again, because they suck. And finally, us Aussies love the beach. And now, they are fully open to everyone who lives in rural. all Australia. Hope that clears things up. This episode of the chain support is sponsored by Climate Change.

Are you stuck at home with lockdown right now? Wouldn't a climate apocalypse be way more entertaining? I mean, it'd give you so much stuff to do. Now, before we go, I was going to talk about my bloody kitchen sink and my tat. Rividing. So relating. But I got paid out by Gabby and Dom for wanting to talk about my kitchen tap. They claimed that it was too boring.

Anyway, I'm not going to talk about my kitchen tab, which, I might add, has not worked for the last few days. Where is the humanity? But I want to talk instead about the beach tales that are on sale now at the shot. And I want to tell you about how terrible an entrepreneur I am. Oh, I do love these things. Because the great thing is Charles assumes that it's a sort of form of any promotion, whereas in fact, after hearing the stories, nobody wants to buy them. Go on, how about it? So I ordered, so we've got the sister site.

called The Shot, right, and they're all anti-Rupert Murdoch. And so we thought, wouldn't it be funny, to put on sale some beach towels in the lead up to Christmas, but just say, fuck Murdoch. Yeah. And I printed a thousand of them, right? This guy's not wrong at all. Yep. And I shipped them over from China, and they arrived a couple of days ago.

Put them on sale yesterday afternoon, and they all sold out this morning. Really? Literally, within 18 hours of going on sale. Sorry, this is meant to be. a tale of your terrible entrepreneur. Hang on, I think there's a punchline. No, no, but the point is, the point is, well, first of all, I didn't expect, I thought, like, you know, maybe we'd get 150 orders, which is why I only air freighted 150 over from China.

The rest of, do you by sea, it's going to be two months before anyone receives their beach towel. But second of all, why didn't I order, like, 10,000 or 100,000? I'm an idiot. Like, they all sold out within five seconds. You seriously sold a thousand of these beach towels? I sold a thousand of the beach towels in 18 hours. Like, I am basically Jeff Bezos, but shit at doing everything. I don't think that's right.

I think what's happened is that the Murdox have gotten wind of your towels, and they've put them all up. Right. So I should probably print a million, and then I'd be rich. It's jujitsu. Yeah, and you can use all the money to pay for the defamation lawsuit. It'll be great. This is what they call a humble brag, isn't it, Cabby?

Oh, my idea was too successful and it caused logistical inconvenience. Oh, too many people ordered the thing that I wanted them to buy. I shouldn't have rubbish the tap story. Our gear is from Road Microphones. We're part of the YACAS created network. And please leave us to a five-star review and subscribe to us on your podcast app of choice. And today, your talking point for the review should be... Beach tails.

Yeah, talk about the beach tails. Yeah, actually, air your grievances if you're not getting yours for too much. months. Okay. There yeah. Bye.