The Chaser Report - Vote Firth! | James Schloeffel

Episode Date: May 30, 2021

As our daily version reaches an unlikely second week, Charles launches a surprise bid for the NSW Labor leadership. Plus, he and Dom check in on The Shovel's James Schloeffel under lockdown in Melbourne, and Craig unwillingly helps brings back an old 'favourite'. Also, Rebecca De Unamuno unwraps the delightful gift that is the latest Chaser news headlines. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report on Monday the 31st of May. Mark the dates in your calendars. You're going to remember this forever because we have big, genuine, exclusive news for you today, don't we, Charles Firth? Yes, we do, Dom. Although I can't possibly comment at this stage about the issues at hand. going forward.

If you're wondering why Charles is speaking like a politician, it's because he is announcing his candidacy for the New South Wales Labor leadership. That's right. Jody McKay has disappeared into the ether and a bunch of faceless men are running.

So why not Charles, whose face is slightly less unknown than any of theirs? Charles is very exciting. Look, I couldn't possibly comment at this stage, but certainly a hat will be thrown in the ring later on today. All right, the first exclusive interview with the candidate

here very soon on the Chaser Report on this very episode. Before that, we're going to head to Melbourne and talk to James Schleffel of the shovel about all the things that are going down and the return of our almost beloved segment, Cat's Pajamas or Cats Piss with Craig Rookastell. But first of all, let's go to Rebecca Day and Muno in the Chaser Global News International

Newsroom News News. International. Melbourne has endured under lockdown after the 17 leak in Australia's system of hotel quarantine. Experts say a Melbourne man, who sat on his couch the entire weekend and didn't even change the channel once, still did more than Scott Morrison has done to set up dedicated quarantine facilities since the pandemic began. A local under 50-year-old who can't get a house, a vaccine or a pay rise has started

to suspect the government might not care about him. New South Wales opposition leader Jody Watts, her name, has stood down after a design. by-election loss. A search will now begin to choose which New South Wales MP will lead Labor to their next election loss. That's the latest Chaser news you can't trust. I'm Rebecca de Unamuno. This episode of The Chaser Report is brought to you by Firth, the least unknown candidate, Firth for Labor leader. One of the Chaser's greatest frenemies, the editor. The editor. with the shovel and Charles Firth's on stage partner, Mr James Schleffel is on the line from Melbourne. Hey James. Giday, Dom. How are you? Yeah, good. How's your weekend, mate? Get up to

anything much? Look, do you know what? I didn't. And that's because we're in lockdown. That's because we're in lockdown. And I know that you guys in Sydney find the lockdown thing just fascinating. But in Melbourne, we do this about once a month. So, you know, it's pretty old hat for us, pretty standard stuff. Yeah, we're two to three years. We'll be doing exactly the same sort of lockdown that Melbourne is doing now, but just slightly less fashionably. Exactly. It's a bit like a fast and a furious movie. Like you don't know whether it's like number six or number seven and kind of the storyline's the same each time, but just a little bit shitter each time. I think that's how I'm looking at it. The only difference is that there is no movement

whatsoever. No movement. Yeah. Instead of kind of nice fancy cars, everyone's just crying in their houses. But apart from that, it's pretty similar. What did you actually do this weekend? Do you know what I've done, Charles? You might have seen this. I've spent some time crunching some numbers. I thought I'd use that the time productively. And I've been crunching some numbers, some data actually, looking at the government's response to the pandemic.

And I'm going to post this on the shovel website a bit later on. But what I've been looking into is the comparison between the number of times Scott Morrison has been photographed in a truck and the number of dedicated quarantine facilities that the government has built. There's quite a stark difference. It's great to look at on a chart, though. Yeah, right. And can you give us a sneak peek of the figures?

I can. So 32 times Scott Morrison's been photographed in a truck. Wow. Number of quarantine facilities that have been built is zero, actually. Zero, yeah. It's zero. So it's not, it's less than 32. It's actually a lot less than 32.

And it's fun actually, because what you can do is you can start to kind of put in a whole heap of other kind of data points as well. The number of times that a desk has been wanked on in Parliament House, like, that's one. Yeah, yeah. Also compared to the number of quarantine facilities being built, again, zero. Zero, right. It's a great comparison, yeah. And the number of defamation lawsuits that MPs have launched this year, I think that's about 40,000. 40,000.

Number of quarantine facilities is zero. Zero, okay. Got a lot of time on the hand, so it's good to look at this stuff. So you sound like you're not at all bitter, James, about this experience? at all. I'm enjoying it, you know, because the other thing, Charles, I see how this is, I think it's also, it's a great way to gain empathy, like, when you're in lockdown. And because, you know, none of the shops are open in Melbourne on this weekend. So it gives you a real sense of what it must be like to live in Perth. Yeah. I'm so surprised you didn't say Sydney for that

joke. You know, so you're putting yourself in other people's shoes. It's, it's good. It's, it's, it's all about personal growth. And have you taken, have you taken, have you taken the time to do any online empathy training courses this weekend? No, too expensive, Charles. They cost about half a million dollars, I think. Yeah. Of taxpayer money. So I didn't have any of that.

But no, but Scott Morrison has done that training, and he actually came out and said that he empathised with the people in Melbourne going into lockdown because he knows what it's like to do absolutely fucking nothing. So he's right on board. But I think his empathy consultant has earned their pay this week. So how much longer have you got? You've got sort of a week left, do you? It's between a week in eight months, I think.

Yeah, I'm not sure we're still waiting to find out. From 1 to 100% to what percent have you got this, James? 110%. Dom, we've got this. We've got this. Just remember, we're all in it together, except for us up in Sydney. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, we're all in it together.

But you're in it together, yeah. We're in it, we're all in it together. My training course said that I empathise with you enormously, James though. Thanks, thanks, Dom. Thanks, Dom. Will you be free for a check-in later in the week, perhaps? Yes, Dom, absolutely. I'd love to catch up again.

Always good to talk to people with better social lives than me up in Sydney. This episode is brought to you by Firth, the only candidate to run for New South Wales Labor, who isn't actually a member of New South Wales Labor. It's time for a world exclusive here on The Chaser Report. The very first interview with the most exciting candidate running for the New South Wales Labor Leadership, Mr Charles Firth.

Charles, welcome to the program that you co-host. Hello, Dom. Thank you so much for having me on your program, on your shitty little program. Do you think you can last longer in this interview that now Manninga lasted when he threw his hat in? Actually, I've just started. I think I've already done it. Yeah, no, I am. I'm going to run for the New South Wales, uh,

leadership of the New South Wales opposition. For people who don't live in New South Wales, what's the best way to sort of... Well, you know how your state inevitably has a pissy opposition leader that no one's ever heard of. And no matter which state you're in, that's going to be true, right? Yes, it's probably true, isn't it? Well, Charles is aiming to be that for his home state of New South Wales. I'm going to do it.

On the basis that this podcast, even though it's only been back for a week, is already a bigger base than the other candidates have. That's right. Our audience massively outnumbers the members of the ALP. Definitely. Yeah, yeah, for sure. And also, I don't even know who the other candidates are. Like, that's how unknown they are.

I'm in this race. I don't even know their names, even though I'm running in this race. I've got their names. Oh, what are they? Their names are Chris Minns, who draws a blank. And Michael Daly has declared as well yesterday. Well, actually, I do know Michael Daly, because he actually ran in the last election and lost. There you go.

He's a proven loser. Proven loser. I should actually start, you know, really criticising and cheating on my opponents. He's the guy who said that Sydney was at risk of being swamped by Asians. Our young children will flee, and who are they being replaced with?

They've been replaced by young children, young people from typically Asia with PhDs. So there's a transformation happening in Sydney now where our kids are moving out and foreigners are moving in. Remember that? I do. It's the only thing I know about Michael Daly is he was unfit to be leader the last time he tried.

Okay. I'm really enjoying this, Candid. Do you think if you become a politician, like what's the pay like? It would be good. Oh, very high, much higher than this. Yeah, right, okay. But also you would be able to... Get travel allowance?

Yeah, you could use the printing allowance that you would get as an MP to bring back the chase of newspaper. You could bring back the Chase of Newspaper. I'll get some staffer allowance. Yeah, yeah. Can I be a staffer? You can be my staffer? As long as you do exactly what I'd tell you.

I'd have to, wouldn't I? Okay. I'm voting for Michael Daly. Charles, just one question, just a formality. Yeah. Are you a member of the Australian Labor Party? I am... Well, that's a direct question.

I shouldn't answer a direct question. Well, it's just that you'd need to... Yeah. Well, actually... I'm not a member of the Labor Party. Is that... Do I have to be one though? I would think that that's a big plus to the voters of New South Wales at this point.

Yeah, that's right. The fact that I'm not in the Labor Party is probably... they'll go, oh my God, I'm going to vote Labor because their leaders, not even in the Labor Party. That's really good. Well, Charles, you remember Campbell Newman. Yes. He ran for, he was mayor of Brisbane at the time, wasn't in the state parliament.

Yes. He became opposition leader despite not being actually elected. Yes. And then ran against was Anna Bly and became Premier. So it's an advantage to not be in the Parliament. I'm a clean skin. You're a clean skin? I'm running as a clean skin.

I've never been accused of corruption. You've never been hauled before I cact. Yeah, what else? I don't even know anything about New South Wales politics. Again, that's a plus. Yeah. I couldn't name a single law. You better check the campaign finance once, just quietly.

But finally, I mean, there's one person who will genuinely be annoyed if you get elected into the New South Wales Parliament. And that is that Mark Latham will no longer be the biggest troll in the building. That's right. That would be my main policy. My main policy is to just. vote the opposite way of whatever Mark Latham votes and sort of neutralise Mark Latham. And then I don't have it to do any research.

No, you go up to Mark each one, which way are you going to vote today? And you can't just do the opposite. And Charles, if you do get elected and get the job, you can't do worse than the election than he did. Yeah, that's true. Okay, well, I think this is happening. Maybe New South Wales politics is too small for me. Maybe I should go federal.

Who's the opposition leader? Albo. Oh, Albo. Yeah, that's right. Anthony Albanesey. Yeah. Well, that job's going to be vacant pretty soon. Why don't you try in New South Wales first?

Okay, yeah, yeah. Yes, I'll use it as a springboard to federal. Yeah, okay. Well, you heard it here first. Vote one Firth, the official candidate of the Chaser Report in the New South Wales Labor election. Yeah, and we'll get a website up and running. Yeah. Yeah.

I presume the main thing that you've got to do is just donate to my campaign. Oh, that's a good idea. We'd need the money. And are you Chris Minns or Michael Daly? Uh, no, I'm not. Sold! Yes! This episode of the Chase Reall Board brought you by Firth, because why the fuck not?

Fuck not. And now it's time to resurrect one of our most beloved or least unbeloved segments. Cats pajamas. Cats pajamas. Or cats piss. Now, given that we've done this hundreds of times before, Four, you know how it works. There's some news stories here, things that are actually happening in the world?

As reported in the news, you've got to tell me, are there cats' pajamas, which means good or cat's piss, which means bad? Just quickly, we're reintroducing this segment, right? Yep. Is this a bad time for me to say that I hate this segment? Matter of fact, you know, do you know what I call this segment? Like, I hate this segment so much that I'd say it's dog's piss, because I don't want to actually back it up by calling it cats' piss.

Right. Thank you for blocking the entire premise of what we're doing. And anyway, if we've got to explain it each week to be good or bad, why don't we just call it the good or bad segment? I mean, I did come up with things that people associate with good or bad somewhere in the world. Where is the cat's pyjamas, cats' piss thing? I mean, my original pitch was awesome or awful, like just very simple.

And Chris went, no, no, no, it's not nearly complicated enough. What we did is an image based on old phrases. from the 1930. Oh, is he's just a tailor. Yeah. Is he's the type. Yeah, they're actually, I understand that a bit more now. Because he's the kind of person who would say, oh, Gadsukes, that is the cat's pajamas.

Yeah. But cats' pajamas, he's a fray. Like, yeah, the cat's pajamas is, no, Cat's Pist is just Chris's fragrance. Now, Cat's piece is what wine buffs call Servignon Blanc, isn't it? Oh, yes. Okay, okay. All right, so does a wine link. Okay, so we have to do this in a Chris accent, like a little posh?

Yeah, we were reviewing wine. How do we do cats pajamas or cat's pajamas or a lot? Her shed hook up? Oh, cat's pyjamas. All right, the first person here. Myra Alonso, she wanted to know what it was like to die. Okay, we're all, we all wonder about death. What she did was she rented a coffin and organized her own rehearsal funeral

where the family pretended to mourn. And she made it go on for hours. She was lying there in the coffin for many, many hours. Yeah, they all had to gather. Here she is. Was it at a crematorium? Because I feel like there's, oh, my God. She's in a coffin in a white dress with her eyes closed.

Were her family in on this, or was this just an incredibly cruel prank? No, no. They were in on it. They turned up. They pretended to cry, and they had food and drinks and the whole thing, so it ended up to be kind of a party. This happened once in my family, actually. My grandfather did this.

Really? He did this, kind of this exact thing, except he forgot to tell us that it was a prank. Oh. And we buried him. So I think it's, you know, it's risky, but it was good. I mean, up until the point where he buried him, he got to see how much we loved him. And it was a really, it was a lovely day for him to a point. Yeah, yeah.

Great note to go out of, yeah, exactly. Voluntarily. Yeah. No, I mean, I think it's, I think it's good because you get to go to your own field. Sorry, sorry, you said, good. I don't understand what the word the word is. Sorry. This is good.

What does the word good mean? Is there a way you could communicate that to me in a way? that I could understand it Is there more pretentious phrasing that perhaps you could use? Craig, this is cat's pajamas. Oh, no, I understand. Oh, so thank you.

Oh, God. That was really unclear for a second. I think it's risky, though. Because, like, say it was Craig's funeral. Like, everyone would turn up and say horrible things about him and what a cocky used to be. I mean, and Tom, and... Craig's laughing at the...

Because he knows that's not actually true. No, I'm hoping as I know it is true. His speeches about all of his activism. Dom, no one would want to know. No one would. turn up, Don. I mean, I've organised it. We know, we know.

I've organised several birthday parties in the past where nobody turned up, right? Oh, no, no, it's true. I mean, my birthday's on Australia Day. No, it's not true, Don. That is not true. We did turn up, but we just, we would stay out the window or the pub and look in and laugh, okay? We were there, okay, Dom? No, I mean, look, catsby, I think it's Casper jams.

Because the thing about this is, as we well know from the eulogy song, the premise of that, is the whole point is that, you know, you have to be nice to people when they're dead. So you would hear people saying lovely things about you. I mean, I've always thought it would be, it would be kind of good to force people to kind of read your eulogy to you. I think it's a good approach. But isn't it true that in all of our cases, Andrew Hanson's going to turn up and sing an incredibly horrible song about us?

Yeah, that's right. All right. Let's head to a place in the United States where a gathering took place of a lot of people, Hundreds of people, in fact, who were all called Josh. Oh, yes. And they had a massive battle, including things like pool noodles and all manner of things. A big kind of royal rumble to work out who the best Josh was in the whole of America. And they decided.

Why did they do this? Well, because all being called Josh meant that they were all dicks. Because it's America, and they were like, how can we get us all together with a lot of coronavirus? coronavirus. So it was to sort of wipe out the Josh. Yeah, yeah. It was a Josh addiction event.

Well, this is Katz's pajamas. It was actually secretly suggested by a guy called Jeremy. He just undermined the Joshes. But it's quite amazing that like this guy just went on social media. It looked for other Joshes. And then all the other Joshes said, oh, what a great idea. Would you be the best Craig in the world, do you think? No, I definitely wouldn't.

Craig, no, not Craig. Craig McLaughlin. Yeah, he's way better. According to this Channel 7 program. I watched. He's awesome. Let's follow up on that in a few months' time. I'll tell you what,

if they had a Charles off, I would turn up because the chance to punch Prince Charles in the face would be awesome. Yeah. I was very disappointing. When I saw this story,

I was very disappointed because it was a thing disappointing about the name Josh. Yes. Like, if this was a collection of all of the Jadens or something else, like, you know, just Josh, like, who gives a shit?

I don't care if all the Josh has got together. Like, An enormous amount of people called Josh is just like a, you know, it's an inner city primary school or it's like an investment company. You know that Dom organised one with all the doms. None of the doms turned up. No, they did. They were just outside watching.

Is he going to leave soon? And finally, it turns out that Australia's not the only place where property prices are pretty high. And a woman in Arkansas came up with quite an original solution. She was looking online to rent an apartment. She was 19 years old. She just moved to Arkansas, and she saw a really, really cheap place to live in. She signed up on the internet, moved in, and it became clear when she finally moved in

that she's the only teenager living in a community of pensioners. Everyone else around her is retired, and she says this is actually amazing. But then it's all of the young people are having to live with old people because they can't afford their own houses anyway. Her benefits are that her neighbours are asleep by the time she gets home, so they don't get bothered. A lot of them are deaf so she can play loud music. I mean, it sounds pretty good.

It's also the fact that every old person's home I've ever seen, like they all really get on the piss at like 5pm. So in actual fact, and they get really subsidised booze too, so it's probably cool and great. I mean, in many ways, being a 19-year-old, and a 90-year-old is fairly similar. Yes, no responsibility. And also...

Get yourself regularly. I reckon this would be cat's pajamas, especially if you can get one of those motorised things that you go around on. Oh, yes. And, you know, the... Fang a golf cart. Yes.

Yeah, yeah. That's the advantage. That's, yeah, totally. And also the drugs. You'd get all the drugs. Yes. Because the... Like it wouldn't notice.

Yeah, exactly. Because they over-prescribe old-aged people, something wicked. This is Katz Pajamas. This is great. You solved the housing problem in Australia. Congratulations. The only thing that was this weird about the story was the idea of a 19-year-old looking for a place to actually live.

It wouldn't happen in Australia. This episode of The Chaser Report is brought to you by Firth for Labor Leader. Imagine how much it would annoy Mark Latham. Well, that's it for our first episode of Week 2 of the Daily Chaser Report, Charles. Yes, and please listen to us and subscribe to us in your podcast app because we looked at the figures over the weekend, and there is almost enough money to buy one of us a coffee. Yeah, thank you for the coffee.

And thank you also for those who made very fictitious five-star reviews on Apple Podcasts. That genuinely does help us, so please don't do it. How do you know those reviews are fictitious? I'm assuming that they're written by the interns. No? Oh, right, yeah, because they were extremely glowing. All the reviews have been incredibly glowing.

And also, they've specifically named certain interns. You're right, they wrote them, didn't they? Yeah, they wrote them. But they keep writing the reviews in terms. Your pays link to this. You can always get more news at chaser.com. You follow us on Instagram and Twitter, Facebook. And the TikTok.

Our gears thanks to road microphones and we're part of the Acast creator network. See you tomorrow. See you.