The Chaser Report - Wagyu Been Paying Attention?

Episode Date: October 19, 2022

Charles wants wagyu, but at what cost? Betrayal, economic turmoil, puns about [REDACTED]. This story has it all. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gadigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report. I'm Charles Firth and with me today is the amazing, the wonderful, the charismatic, the charming. Oh no, wait a minute, we've only got Dom Knight. I knew you were going to do that. Oh, you've been pulling that shit on me since we were 15. Fuck you, Charles.

Good to be back, despite you. So I have a terrible tale of incredible embarrassment and humiliation. So this is pitched as a topical podcast where you get to catch up on the latest news. It hasn't been that lately, Charles, has it? It's been therapy for you. That's why the numbers are dropping. The numbers aren't dropping. Can I say the only, the one show that did poorly was when we broke the thing that Bob Cadder isn't eligible for Parliament.

That's the one journalistic scoop. and it had dud results on the thing. All the yarns are doing really well. All right, well then fuck topical news. Let's talk about your problems, Charles. After this. Thank you for your patience. Your call is important.

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Yeah. Because there's only about 60 of them. So we've worked out a way to give them better value for their money. Yes, if they go and, you can subscribe at chaser.com.com. You can subscribe at chaser.com.com slash podcast. And it's becoming a better offer, isn't it? Yeah. What we're doing is we're interviewing every single one of them.

an episode of the podcast. So we've got content, like only if you're a premium subscriber. And we can only listen. Yeah. I'm glad we're putting those ones on the premium. Yeah. So the kind of people who probably would like to be interviewed

for the premium part of the podcast. So if you think that sounds terrible, don't pay us. Is this a good marketing strategy? But that starts next week. We're doing, like, it's going to be huge for those 60 people. Yeah. So yes, best not to subscribe would be my advice. You can do it on Apple Podcasts or via Acast Plus either.

Anyway, okay. So the point is, interest rates have risen. They have. Yes. And what this has meant is at the end of the week, I don't have a huge amount of money anymore to spend on my, you know, food budget. Okay, so let me just break this down. So you are a homeowner.

Yes. So you and your mortgage is big enough that these rate rises are hurting you quite a bit. which much means that your house is worth quite a lot, right? So you've got a pretty valuable piece of property. And you want us to feel sorry for you because you're a massive house. I didn't ask you to feel sorry. If you happen to feel sorry, that's on you. So you're in charge of your feelings.

You're in charge of your feelings. I'm just saying I can't afford food at the moment. Now, not that I can't afford food. I just have to watch myself as I go to the checkout. I just do the count before I go there just to sort of. So you're feeling price sensitive. Yeah, very price sensitive. Anyway, I threw caution to the wind on last Friday

because the butcher down near where we live had a special on Wagyu steak. Really? Yes, $49.99 for a 7 plus Wagyu steak. I love that you briefly said that you had financial constraints. I started to feel a little bit sorry for you despite you owning a house. And then your next step, is I was so I lashed out and bought Wagyu. This is the marble Japanese steak that's supposed to be premium and gourmet.

It's got lots of fat all through it that sort of melt in your mouth. It's absolutely, well, we'll get to that. Well, no, I'll just tell you. I'll cut to the chase on that sub-a anecdote, part of it, which is, I'm a fool, Dom. I'm a full, I've been eating normal meat my whole life. And yet there's been this thing called Wagu, which is so much better. It's like eating butter. Have you not had Wagyu before?

Well, I think I've had it, like, in fancy restaurants, but I've assumed it's because the chef was really good. But actually, no, you can be, you can be a 14-year-old because my son said, oh, I want to cook there, and I was like, oh, don't do that. And he just nailed it. Like, it was the most delicious substance I've ever eaten. Wow. It was like going to Tetsuya's.

Does Tetsuya still exist? I think it does. I think that eating wagi. So the point is that the thing that's nicest about beef is, the fat, right? That's the thing it tastes amazing. Yes. And instead of being on the side, like the steak where you kind of grew up with,

it's all the way through. It's all the way through. I think they feed the cows beer. Yes, I think that's right. Well, it certainly went down like beer. And, yeah, no, it's definitely, like, fuck the environment. I know that cows are destroying the planet. You know, it's cows, cars and coal.

They're the three things that we've got to get rid of. Well, the way I think we should get rid of cows is we eat them all. I've got another sea for you, Charles. Oh, yeah. Congestive heart disease, which is what happened if you constantly eat beef, very fatty beef.

But it's... Anyway, so, but that's not the point of this... It's very good. Yeah, it's very good. That's not the point of this anecdote. Point is, I, for the first time in my life, splurged, I went, okay, you know, we'll get three stakes of wagging...

It's like 50 bucks, right? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So then, turn around, do the rest of the shop. So, and the thing is, really don't have it,

match money. Like, for the weekly shop, probably got about $70 left across two accounts, right? Right. So I've got the mortgage offset account, which had about $35 in it. And then my own account,

which had about $30. So actually probably $65, right. So you've already bought the Wagyu. Did you know you had that little money before you bought the Wagyu? No, I knew it was, I was being reckless, but I thought, you know,

I can probably, we just needed toilet paper and, you know, a whole lot of other essentials, like fruit and vegetables and stuff. But, you know, I thought, I can probably,

I'll just, you know. Is this leading up to a GoFundMe for you to get more woke? No, no, no. So you know how when you go to the shops and you vaguely know somebody? And you go up the aisle and you go down in the next aisle and you just keep on seeing them the whole way through a supermarket? You know that, right? So I saw, and I think you'll know who I'm referring to,

but I'm not going to name them, I saw my most mortal enemy at this supermarket, right? Your most mortal, mortal enemy. Yeah, like the guy who, frankly, when he dies, I will go and I will dance on that grave. I've got this one guy who I... You would eat Wagyu style. I would eat Wagu style and he would probably taste Wagu style, right? Oh, wow, wow.

You're a nemesis. Yeah, my nemesis. It's James Schleffle from the show. That's right, exactly. No, the guy who, you know, my blood freezes every time I see him. Like, it just, but the whole thing is when you've got a mortal, and he's my, like, I'm sure I'm his mortal enemy as well. Sure.

We really don't like each other. He must have seen me, but he pretended not just to see me. I must have seen him. I just pretend, but you also don't want to, you just want to appear like the better person, right? You just want to occasionally go about your business. You don't want to make a fuss about it. But we kept on. bumping into each other.

Because you were both going in the same direction. And it was like, fuck you. I'm not going to stop my weekly shop just because you're, you know, in the supermarket. I'm going to keep inhabiting this space, even though I feel desperately uncomfortable. So we do that, do that, do that. I'm meanwhile, like, because I want to predict. He's the one person who I really do want to predict, well, I'm more successful than you anyway. Yeah.

Yeah. He's that person, right? I mean, you aren't. But, no, I know. He can afford wugue, is what I'm saying. I know. Every week. I think he probably can.

I think he can afford it every day if he wants. And I think he probably does. Now, but the point is, I... Are you saying you want to... Cut that. We're cutting that. No. No, we are cutting that.

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The Chaser Report. Less news, less often. Anyway, point is, I'm also meanwhile going, okay, I've got to appear really high status. Yeah. At the same time. And you want to win? Is that going to cost 64?

$64 or $63? Like, it's just literally counting up every single thing. And you know how at the moment, when you do come to the final count, no matter how much you overestimate what everything costs, it still costs about 10% or 20% more than your absolutely highest, isn't it? So I'm getting to the register. He's at the register at the same time. I've done my count and I'm looking at the tally and just going up and up and it's going

more, and it's like, how the fuck? Like, like, I, I was so super cautious about making sure that I left enough buffer that... Oh, no, Telsa, you're worried that it's going to go decline transaction. Yes. And he's going, he's going to see it. In front of my fucking mortal enemy. And it does. It goes over, so it goes over $65.

I'm going, what the fuck do I do? Like, I, I don't have enough money in either of the accounts. I, like, like, I don't want to go, oh, can you split this between two accounts? It's $65. Like, I'm supposed to be projecting this sort of like, I'm the success story here. Oh, my God. But surely the easiest solution is to just go, no Wagyu.

You already bought the Wagyu. I'd already bought the Wagyu. It's a sunk cost. It was a sunk cost. It would have bailed me. If I hadn't done that, it would have been fine. So you were undone because the moment you bought Wagyu is like instant karma. Your nemesis appeared with a puff of sulphur.

Yes. And then he emilat. Oh, my. God, Charles. So you know what I did? Because I saw it coming and I just saw it. All I've got to do is pull the last five things off the, you know, as it was going through on the conveyor belt and just run away, put them back.

So I did that, you know, that sprint where you put back. So you were pretending that you were buying something else, but actually you're putting them. But there are all the things that I put last in the thing. So they were the things that I absolutely needed from the thing. I put back the toilet paper because that was. like $9 in savings right there, I put back the laundry liquid, which was like, again, a sort of $9 saving, saved $18. I think I put back the dishwasher pods as well, all the last things in my thing.

And then you're just going, I now, for the next week, I don't have any fucking toilet over. I don't have any, thanks to the fucking enemy. So hang on, what? And the wago beef. Isn't it true that in, yeah, I think we can work out how to blame? Isn't it true that in previous episodes is the podcast, multiple episodes, you confess to having a warehouse full of novelty chase a toilet paper,

which you invested in? Yes. Is there none of that left that you can then use? Well, actually, it's funny, we did crack it open this week. That is absolutely true. It is a very low-quality toilet paper that I can do. It's a one ply. Oh, God.

Are the jokes also low-quality? The jokes? No, the jokes are actually quite high quality. But Cam wrote most of them. Yeah, and they've aged somewhat, haven't there? Yeah, they're all about the start of the coronavirus. There's one that keeps recurring because the headlines toilet paper only goes through a couple of meters. Yeah.

And then it just goes back to the beginning. And there's one about, you know, Pauline Hansen calls for a corona beer ban until we work out what's going on or some of that. I mean, she could plausibly still do that. Yeah. I imagine her being confused by that even now. Yeah, there's some perennials there. Yeah, yeah. Okay, so is this basically a huge pitch to then say,

So please subscribe to the Chesa podcast. Because Charles needs to buy toilet paper. I just don't think, no, I just, no, I don't want any pity. I don't want your pity. I want, I want, I want his respect. And I want to, I want to, I want to have pride, right? I want to just have pride in who I am. But Charles, and no shame.

But instead. None of those things are going to happen. It's not. But I'll tell you what, at least I'm going to be able to eat Wagoo beef for the rest of my life. Yeah. My short, short life. standard of making poo and you'll need toilet paper. Because it was totally worth it.

Like Wagyu beef, like honestly, like, just don't muck around with any other type of meat. Just literally, you're so, you still eat me. Oh, I love Wagyu. Don't you have you wrong. Your wife is Virgo, but you're a red-blooded cholesterol. She doesn't know what cholesterol she's missing. Charles, I don't, I honestly can't decide whether to pity you or to, no, I'm. going to go with pitying.

Yeah. Okay. There you go. Do you think he knew what was happening in my internal monologues? Well, if it's the person that I think he is, I remember a time when he had no money at all as well. So he probably would have given you $50 if you'd asked. Probably wouldn't have noticed because he's not much more successful than you.

Oh, fuck you. Charles, you know what? You can say at the end of that that at least you left with your dignity intake. It wouldn't be true, but you can say it. Yeah, I think that's the story I'll tell my kids. on my deathbed. I can see the two. Charles Firth died of too much Wagyu

with his dignity intact. Brackets not. Brackets not. And also, for some reason, he hadn't wiped his bottom in several days. Agis from Road with part of the Acast, create a network. We'll see you tomorrow and honestly do consider

subscribing at chaser.com. com. You're $9 a month. Well, some of it will go to Charles and he evidently needs it. Thank you for your patience. Your call is important.

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