The Chaser Report - We Bought A Zoo (Onto A Plane)

Episode Date: November 22, 2023

Charles Firth presents what he earnestly declares as "the world's greatest story". Listen and find out what's so funny about animals on a plane, and why Dom declares this as the last ever episode of The Chaser Report at the end. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gadigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report with Dom and Dom, I have the world's greatest story on the podcast today. Wow. But I'm not going to tell you, let's just say Samuel L. Jackson will be proud of this story. Ah, okay. I'm just thinking, does it involve snakes? It involves planes. Oh, hold on to your box office records.

We'll kick that off after this. Okay, saddle in everyone, because this is the world's greatest story. A Boeing 747 had to turn back and return to New York's John F. Kennedy International Airport last week. After a horse, what, managed to escape from its stall inside the airliner? There was a horse. A horse on a plane. So when I was saying snakes on a plane, that seems somehow less ridiculous. than a horse galloping through a plane.

Yes. No. And look, I feel like Hollywood has led us down by not already having and envisaging this circumstance with horses on a plane. The natural sequel to snakes on a plane. Absolutely. So I'm just trying to think back to my extent of experience of travelling on planes. Charles, where does the horse go on the plane?

Well, I think the problem is that they're usually race horses ride. Right. So they'd be travelling first class. Oh, like I think the front. The reason you have never seen them, is because they're in the posh seats. I'm in economy. Well, you know that some...

But I often, I often have a horse sitting next to me. Yeah, up at the pointy end of the plane. You know that some planes these days have full on like three bedroom suites? Well, and stable. Stables, apparently. Yes, that's right. Well, actually, I wouldn't be at all surprised if some of the airlines, I think Emirates have the three bedroom suites.

Yeah, yeah. Presumably they've got them for horses because we know that in the Gulf, they love a horse. Yes. Certainly horses, I think, have more rights in some countries in the Middle Eastern women, for instance. Well, this wasn't... This was flying on Air Atlanta, Icelandic. Is that a real airline? If you're not into horses on a plane, perhaps steer clear of Air Atlanta, Icelandic.

Okay. And it was already at 31,000 feet. It had already gone 30 minutes. It was heading to Belgium. Feet, I thought you measured a horse and had. Yeah, and so it escaped from its stall. Yeah, there was a stall in the plane. Luckily, the plane didn't stall.

I'll tell you what is this episode I'll tell you what I hope the pilot was feeling stable Is this our reaction to And we don't know yet Because the Australian podcast awards Are up in a couple of hours' time We're nominated for best comedy

Best comedy And I'm just wondering Is this the episode we submit Next year? Yes Because when we lose to Dan Illich And Irrational Fear Wonderful podcast subscribe now

We clearly need to do something different And what we haven't had so far in this podcast is enough stories about horses breaking loose on planes. So hang on. So the horse is in the stable. I have so many questions about the horse's stall to begin with. And what does the horse do? What's it supposed to do for a 15-hour flight or whatever?

Well, it's a race or, well, they get locked in their stalls all the time. Like, the life of a horse is to be in the stall, then go out and train and be whipped after death and then go back into your stall. So I think probably having a nice, you know, relaxing time up the pointy end of air Icelandic was probably not a bad thing. Probably it was on holidays. Although it's choice of going to Belgium. And what are its accommodations like? Is it standing up or does it get to lie flat?

Has it got some sort of flat bed arrangement? Has it got one of those sofas that turned into a bed that you get in first class? Well, I imagine so, yeah. Like you wouldn't want your horse. You'd want them to be able to lie down. Yeah, to get one of those blankets. It's a live flat, a live flat store. That's right.

And it's sort of Neil Perry nosebag. Yeah, and I'll tell you what, though, most horse movies end in tragedy, don't they? Well, it could just watch any Melbourne Cup and see the grain, green shutters. Maybe the sweet had green shutters around it. They weren't panicked. Do they, do you reckon horses watch horse races? Would that be like watching the Olympics? That's a great question.

Would horses enjoy watching horse? Maybe the horse is watching something, just a regular movie. The horse race, and it was like, oh, it's time to go. Maybe they're off. Maybe they prefer watching and betting on human racing. On human racing. Yes. Like their Melbourne cup is, I don't know, the 100 metres at Randwick was I mean.

But they wouldn't understand it, Charles, because no one's getting whipped. Yeah, there's no extraneous. Where's the cruel? Yeah. So, okay, so something happened. But if you're standing up on a plane and you're a horse and there's turbulence, They'd be pretty stressful. Like, their legs break fairly easily, as we know,

from every Melbourne Cup race that's ever been. Yeah. Look, I don't think that, I don't think people who own race horses, you know, care that much about horses. But, no, I agree. I think, I'm sure they'd be able to lie down and things like that. But apparently, so the horse managed to escape its stall, and then they had to tell the passengers,

there's no issue with flying, which means, like, our plane is going right. but we need to go back to New York as we can't re-secure the horse. Well, that's incompetent, Charles. I mean, why would you transport a horse if you didn't have some way of securing it? What they needed was an air marshal able to shoot it.

Yes. To take it out. Just put it down. Just put it down. Yes. Or just open the door. Go. A horse is like cats.

Can they survive a four? I don't think they can. But you know that when a plane is to turn around shortly into the flight. They have to dump all their fuel. Did they have to dump massive amounts of... They had to dump 20 tonnes of fuel over the Atlantic. Oh my God.

So the Atlantic just gets all this fucking fuel in it because one horse can't keep itself together. See, this is the problem. You know, we go on about Taylor Swift using her jet and Elon Musk. But what about these horse races, you know, destroying the environment? No one ever talks about that problem. There's nothing wrong with my flying. I'm perfectly competent pilot.

it, we're doing fine. Just that the horse has broken loose and no one's able. Was there no one able to ride it? Do you think they'll make a sort of Sully-like movie? Sully. They question, but could the horse really have been put back into his store? Sully would have jumped on the back of the horse. Where are the fucking bridles?

All you got to do is just get on it. Where's the brave, where's the brave steward or stewardess willing to just jump on it? Look, I think this is the problem, though, nowadays is no one rides. airback, because presumably you didn't have its saddle. And so you need to just get a sort of Genghis Khan style. They should have had its saddle and it's bridles. Shouldn't it have been tired? No, no, when you get on a plane, the first thing you do is take off your saddle.

It's got to be scared because it's got metal on the way in. That's right. It's a very, very bad idea. The Chaser Report, news you can't trust. Look, I've buried the lead on this story because it's not, I mean, the whole. horse problem, you know, is, especially on the jet star flights, don't you find? Oh, the poor horse would have to pay for its own chaff, wouldn't it? How would that work? Yeah, you're overweight. And the trolley comes along full of hay, and the horse has got to

pull out a credit card and pay somehow for the horse. And it was terrible during the pandemic, because, you know, they'd screen you for COVID. And they'd say, have you ever got any problems? And it'd say, I'm feeling a little horse. Wouldn't be allowed to fly. Anyway, but then, no, because this is not, this is a pattern, Dom. This isn't just one-off incident. So last month, an otter and a rat caused mayhem on a flight from Thailand to Taiwan. An otter and a rat?

Yes. He's very small. What's an otter going to do? I don't know. I think it was trying to. It's why the rats. Or avoid the snake. that were on the plane.

I don't know. Actually, that's the case where you need the snakes on the plane. There's an otter and a rat. Snakes would have sort of them right out. Wouldn't the otter

have sort of wanted water? And they don't serve enough water. Maybe that's the reason. That could have been it. Could have been it? The best one was, earlier this month, we're still talking November,

a young bear managed to escape on a flight from Baghdad to Dubai. Why are you bringing a young bear on a plane? Well, why wouldn't you? You don't want to leave it back in Baghdad.

It's a dangerous. place. This is bizarre. So they're kind of at flying zoos at any point in time. I was not aware of this, Charles. There were so many animals in the sky at any point in time. This is what, because you only go economy. You don't, you know, up with the bears and the otters and the rats and the horses.

So when there's an emergency, is there a massive mask that drops down for the horse? It's like, secure your own mask before putting the massive fuck-off mask on the horse. Yeah, there is. Yeah, it's happened a few times to me. You know one of my favorite fact about, and this might be apocryphal, but apparently when someone dies in mid-air, they put them in the toilet, unlocked the toilet. Have you heard this?

I have not heard that. You can lock them from the outside. We had somebody die when we were over the Pacific Ocean. It was very horrible. It lasted about now because they kept trying to get doctors. But they ended up. Oh, wow. So they just kept saying, is anyone a doctor?

Yeah. And no. No, no, there were a couple of doctors. And, of course, one of them somehow had a stethoscope. The rest of the... Because you know how doctors are sort of wankers? I mean, except for... My relatives.

Your relatives. Yeah. But, you know, like, one of them got out their stethoscope and sort of kept it wrapped around their neck. You know, like... Well, that's probably why you bring it along. Episode of ER or something. Yeah, you probably bring it with you. Because in case you get, you know, confused with some literature PhD students.

No, no. Look, I've got a stethoscope. But they eventually carted this person off. But with that guy, they just put him in where the cabin usually sleeps. Like it was a sort of like a cubicle. Yeah, that's right. Which was really inconvenient for the staff because they then didn't, couldn't rest properly. Well, you wouldn't want to sleep next to the dead guy.

Yeah, yeah, it's funny. But I love the idea of, it seems like weekend of burnings propping them up in the toilet, do they? They apparently, they do that sometimes and then locked it off in. the outside. Yeah. But I'm just wondering, what do you do with your dead horse? I mean, horses die. How do you get the horse out of there?

Oh, you obviously haven't seen the bathrooms in first class. Of course. They've got very spacious bathroom. One side of the bathroom, yeah. No, but I just want to continue the bear story. Oh, the baby bear, yes. The baby bear. So, see, the problem was the trip was running an hour late, right?

And so the bear escaped, presumably because it was annoyed. Well, they hate prompt takeoffs. Yeah, you can't do that to a bear, though. They'll definitely abandon the plane. Oh, but the weird thing is they didn't know where the bear had come from. And they're calling on citizens. Well, you shouldn't ask, you can't ask questions like that. That's not the way.

We want to be inclusive. If you've got a ticket, you get on the plane, bear or not. And the irony noted in this article, which is NBC News, I don't know how reliable it is, is that sometimes exotic meals such as bear are sold on that airline food. It's horrific. Well, is it horrific, Charles? Because it's Iraqi airways.

Is it convenient to have it? It's like sashimi. No, but it's like sashimi. You've got the fresh bear sitting there. Fresh bear, maybe that's why it's on it. And for first class, the chef is just like, no, it's the freshest bear. I've just lost it five minutes ago. Didn't you hear that sort of screaming sound?

That was the bear dying. Yeah. But what if you can't be? bear sashimi, sashimi. You can't bear sashimi. I think this is the point to add the podcast. Charles has clearly nothing else to be said. Yeah, yeah, I think forever.

This is the note of which the Chaser Report ended after many hundreds of episodes. The point where Charles said you can't bear sashimi. We haven't even covered the 2022 incident of the live albino alligator on a flight. Oh, dear me. Which was, that was actually quite an interesting one because that was an American. guy who snuck it on in his suitcase. Florida. He hadn't told anyone.

Tell me this is from Florida. No, it was Munich. Really? Yes. Okay. Tell us, you know that our podcast now is it a total of 6.7 million downloads. Yeah.

We've literally racked up an extraordinary number of all-time downloads. Amatheighted report. 6.7 million. Yeah. We're all that fuss about the 6 million. Yeah. We're almost at the 7 million. We're at 7.

And we will now never get there. Never get there. Thanks for listening to us. Over the years. It's been enjoyable, but not enough, which is why we're calling it into it now. Thanks for listening. Kier is from Road, who are clearly embarrassed to be associated with this podcast now. We're part of the O'Connor Class Network, soon to be shut down.

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