The Chaser Report - WE CRASHED THE LOGIES?!? | Lachlan Hodson

Episode Date: July 31, 2023

Dom and Charles are joined by Producer Lachlan as he recaps what it was like to watch The Logies on Sunday night in person - but how did he get in? Listen and find out how YOU TOO can break into the high security zone of Star Casino with only some handy office supplies. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gatigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report with Dom and Charles. And today we've got a very special guest, Dom. We do because on Sunday night, it was Australian television's Night of Nights. The night where Sonia Kruger somehow got the gold loggie, even though the loggies had migrated from Melbourne to Sydney, and generally she's against that kind of thing.

Uh, Lachlan, Hudson, you were there. Sorry, Dom and Charles, I don't talk to non-Logie attendees like you. So, uh, this is, this is all just a charity thing that I'm doing. Now that I am an official Logie attendee, I, fuck you, B, more after this. So, Lachlan, just to clarify for everyone, you're our producer. Yeah, just the producer. Our lowly producer of this podcast. I was shocked to get a text message last.

night from you, a selfie in the room at the Star Casino, clearly at the Logies. Yes. And I just thought, wow, well, Loughlin's career is going well. Yeah, so what happened? Like, you know, what, did podcast producers fuckwits get to go to the Logi? I mean, I know podcasting's big now, and I know you're a networker. You guys don't know about the, there's the new segment. It's like, there's most outstanding podcast producer, most popular podcast producer.

I wasn't nominated for either, of course. No, well, the Logies this year, there was the big move that Dom alluded to, the migration from Melbourne to Sydney. And I thought, hey, I'm only 23. That means I've got maybe two decades before I'm actually invited to a Logies for anything myself, because I won't be able to get on TV.

Very bold to assume that the Logies will be around 20 years. That's the issue, I think. So I thought, well, this is my only chance to go. May as well rock up. and I went with a fellow ex-intern of the Chaser Xander. Oh, yes. We scoped the building out. Were you invited?

You're not with Star Casino. You gate crashed. You gate crashed the Loges. I was assuming you were Sonia Kruger's date or something. No, no, not Sonia Kruger's. He's white enough. He's white enough. He's got blonde hair. Yeah, I think that would be just fine.

No, unfortunately, I haven't had enough work done yet to be able to qualify for any of that. Look, we've been to a few Logies before. On, you know, invitation. Which led to some of the inspiration as well, mind you. And then also, voiceover artists for this podcast, Beck Daynamino, was doing all the voiceovers. And we were invited. And my recollection of Crown Casina, certainly in Melbourne, which is only place we've ever been to, the security is very tight.

Not tight enough, Dom. Not tight enough. Well, so Zander and I, do you recall this time during the election last year where Zander and a couple of the other interns and I went to go and prank Scott Morrison at a presser? And we turned up, and I was like, oh, maybe we should try and blend in by wearing, I don't know, a button-up shirt. And they all turned up in hoodies and crocs. Yes, that's right. And didn't Zander turn up with no shoes on us?

Yeah, no, he does that. I can confirm Zander and I were both wearing shoes. We suited up just for the occasion, and we'd scoped out the casino before Star Casino. It felt a lot like actually being in one of those heist movies because we were there to crash into a casino. security guards, a bunch of cops everywhere as well, and we had all the locations scoped out from the red carpet to all of the side exits. I mean, additionally, a heist is serious heist. Is where you get something quite valuable, whereas what you got was the ability to watch

a much more tedious and more drawn-out version of the Logies than the one on TV, which was three and a half hours long. As someone who has now been to the Logies, I can give my full professional endorsement on just staying at home and watching them. And not watching them I watched Sam Pang's monologue this morning That's all I watched it It was very good

I thought Sam Pang was very funny That's it You had about six hours more than you needed Because there was obviously a lot of stuff That I got to see that you guys didn't get to see Did the submarine Lego joke make it into the final cut? Yes, because it was a setup for the later It was a set up

It was a brilliant setup Brilliant Charles you'll like this Can't tell him what the joke was Yeah so Sanpang is delivering Obviously part of the opening monologue and Sampang said this. And the most recent season of Lego Masters

saw contestants take on their biggest challenge yet, building social connections and interacting with other human beings. And a win tonight would cement Lego Masters as Australia's Premier Entertainment Show and also provides some comfort after the unfortunate episode where five contestants were lost in the Lego Submarine Challenge. Ooh.

Ooh, indeed. Yes. Very tasteless. Too soon, some might say. Not us, but it's too late for us. It's not a topical reference with this podcast anymore. But the only joke that I think was just as good as that, which was Carl's joke about Koshy here.

I heard Koshy say he loves Bumps, season three. Did anyone miss here that? Because I'm pretty sure I did. Anyway, the headlines tomorrow morning. I think he's trying to make a cocaine joke here about Koshy. Yes. Oh, very clever. Don't worry, Charles. You weren't the only one who didn't get it. As we just heard, no one else understood this joke.

But yeah, no, breaking into the Logies. So how did you do it? Was it? How did we do it? It was very impressive. I mean, did you fabricate some kind of incredibly, you know, sophisticated disguise? Yes, yes. Did you have a, like, because previously we've gotten into things with fake lanyards that we've done in Photoshop to look exactly like the real thing. Maybe a mate got you in. Maybe Tom Gleason smuggled you in or something. We did try to have a certain Roo Castle, comma, Craig smuggle us in.

Oh, he was there, wasn't it? He was there. When I saw Craig, he was genuinely horrified. I think that we upset him quite a lot, so sorry Craig for doing that. He's changed. We had no one on the inside. No one was willing to send us photos of their passes. Susander and I, we got kicked out.

We tried to walk onto the red carpet confidently. I don't think you have passes. Is this the first time in the history of Australia that two. white guys haven't just, you know, gotten help from people who shouldn't have had help before. These are not the loggies that Sonia Krueger would stand for. Craig's kicking the letter out from behind him. But we did see, we did see a few people walking onto the red carpet, which we couldn't get onto, holding some formal looking red and black passers that had official Logies branding

all over it. So we ducked out to office works and built. this. Oh my God. That is great. So we're looking at a black piece of cardboard with on a gold texter that someone's written the Logans on it and drawn a picture of what seems to be... Don't let this person in. Is the only thing you say? This is a very bad. It's an extremely amateurish effort. That is the worst forgery I've ever seen. Well, the only worse more amateur job was this one. There's a red envelope with the word fake written on it in black text. Let's put these up on the chaser socials.

That is great. And these got you in? No. These didn't get us in. I would hope, no, I mean, it's, in an age of Photoshop, it's almost an arrogantly shit job that you did putting that in. We are striving for mediocrity. I mean, my daughter can't get her letters the right way around, right? She does her asses backwards.

She would have done a more car job than that. Not even these, unfortunately, could get us in. We tried suits. We tried lanyards that didn't have anything on them. A lanyard was clever. But it turns out that you actually didn't need any of this stuff to get in. All you needed was to know the right button on the elevator. So we spent all this time trying to walk through onto the red carpet getting brushed aside,

a couple of side entrances that we checked out, which again we got told to move away from. And we're getting a bit tired at this point. We've been there for four hours just trying to walk in. So the Logie security held up for four hours. They did. They held up for four hours. And then it got to about half an hour. before the proper event had started at about seven o'clock. And I just kind of go, Zanda,

look, I feel like tapping out, can I just go grab a water? I go, I have to pay for the water, so I didn't get any complimentary drinks. I go and I buy this water and I bump into a staff member and she goes, oh, what did you pay for that one for? You could have got them for free at level three. And I went, what do you mean? She's like, where the Logies are, level three. You can't go to level three if you aren't part of the Logies. So you're going to level three, right? And I went, Oh, yeah. Of course. Of course.

Walked into an elevator. Press the level three button. Walked about 20 metres and found myself in the centre of Australian TV's Night of Nights. Extraordinary. One elevator was all it took. The Chaser Report. More news. Less often.

Well, this takes me back to the first and best stunt that we probably ever did, the race card. Yes. The Winterworth Hotel where the Liberal Party, Victory Party, was and there was a lift with me and one camera crew and then another where we got on in one lift trying to get down to the ballroom where the victory party was and there was another lift with Craig and another camera guy kev our good friend and kev's lift someone pressed down to stop it and they got out directly and we couldn't get in so my lift went all the way down just down to the ground we couldn't get in yeah but someone just pressed down and there he was

banging the middle of it so always rely on a lift this is the moral of this because They're not designed to be in bed of trouble because someone presses down or whatever or forgets to program level three, boom! Well, that was the insane thing to me because I had seen so many people with passes and cards that they were showing to security and it turns out we could have just paid

a hundred bucks to go to the Logies, but that would have been wildly. Is that all at course? Yeah, there was a public tier this year for 100 bucks. Oh, they're getting desperate, up there. The thing's dead. Come on, I, if I'm not going to the Logies by invite, it's because my invite got lost in the mail.

I mean, they should be paying you $100 dollars to be there. Because there's a program for seat warmers, right? Like, they pay seat warmers to be there. That's what Craig thought Zander and I were. And the thing is, the thing is, um, it's so tedious that actually the seatwaters are forced to watch most of the ceremony while the celebrities who seat there in the toilet doing lunch. Well, they made, they, they, a few years ago, like about a decade ago, they made it so that you could only drink while you're in the auditorium. Oh, yeah. To try and encourage people. I think that was mainly because. Because of us. Because of us.

We just told everyone, come out here and drink. We go in the lobby. There was just drinks in the lobby. And you'd have to watch the loggie. So everyone just was in the foyer. I mean, that's the only way that anyone could have possibly enjoyed them. Charles sent a challenge to me very early when I told him I'd broken my way in. And you said, Charles, your challenge should you choose to accept it is don't fall asleep during every single acceptance speech.

I can say that I didn't fall asleep. I just started contemplating suicide. Well, it's just, I mean, the best text I got, which I sort of mentioned to other people today, is that at the very end of the night, there's a text saying, honestly, I wish I'd just stayed in bed. Which is exactly what, I mean, the thing was still going. Because I was vaguely curious about who won gold this year, because there's some interesting.

For sure, McCarla, had won gold. Lee sales. Even Lee sales, that would have been interesting. Or if Sonia Krue could run up, we would have known that, let's just say that various indiscretions in her professional past had been conveniently overlooked by the vote. public. So yeah, I wanted to know who won. And I looked at online at 1130. I thought, there must be a mistake. It's still going. And it's still fucking going. It was long. And

Beck over the voiceover had said very early on in the night, these speeches are to go for 30 seconds only. First award went to Colin from accounts. And so Patrick and Harriet got up to accept it and went easily over five minutes in the first speech. And that was... They killed at the befters as well. Oh yeah, yeah, they nailed it. But this was the problem. Then they won five more awards. Ah, no.

And they went, maybe they had to challenge themselves to go longer each time. Because on the fifth award, you're really going, oh, I've got to stretch this one. All right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I thought the only thing that was extended longer than that was Darrell Summers actually presenting the gold loggie. Did either of you see this? No, God, no.

I read this. So awkward and terrible. So you never grew up with. hey hey it's Saturday. So you don't realize the whole format was Daryl's extending out. Just padding. Padding. It was no content. We were already in there for an hour

longer than we were supposed to be. I mean it was already the world's most tedious show. Darrell's padding was actually the best thing about it because when the padding stopped they had a segment and that was shit out. But the other thing about Daryl is that he would have been up there whenever he does any public event he's trying to get Hay Haye back on TV

with the 23rd reboot. The man will even when he's in the grave, he's still going to be popping up going, reboot. Reboot. It's still a good show. So that's what it would have been. He would have been pitching another series of, hey, hey. Well, I can't say that people would be saying no to him, considering the state that they were all in there. I managed to actually walk up to, because everyone from the industry was there. And I'm just a lowly producer. But it's assumed you were meant to be there. Yeah, exactly. And that was the only thing I had going for me. So I probably thought you were some hot neighbours start. I got to ask

Koshy for investment tips. I got to say to Mick Molloy that I'm a big fan of Cracker Jack. He would have loved that. Oh, he did. He did love that. I wish I'd known that. I went on his show this morning and was telling him about your adventures

and he was very happy about it. And I wish I'd said, you know, did some dipship mention Cracker Jack to you? Yeah. Because that was a joke. No, well, look, I think it would have added something to have someone who, because everyone there would have been very jaded and bored with it all. And there's one person who, who, who, who, was probably in the first 10 minutes you were there. You were genuinely excited to be there.

Oh, live it. I was on top of the world. And then the opening monologue finished. Now, can I just ask? So you broached basically Star Casino Security. You think maybe you can use the same method to get down to their vault. Oh. Oh, you're talking about it. Ocean's 11. Yes. To get into the casino vault. It depends. What the level does the elevator go to? You went to the level with all the gold loggies. Yeah, a 24-carat gold logie this year.

Whereas what you should have done is press the button to find out which level, or just ask the attendant. Yeah, you should have tried to get something valuable. Is the vault on? And they'll just go, oh, that's on level two or something. Yeah, I will say it was sort of this kind of, when we were walking home at one in the morning, I kind of had this weird point of contention where I'm like, that was almost too easy. Like, we were there for a long time.

We kept trying. But the fact that we got in at all, like, I had a big microphone that I had in my pocket because I thought that I might be able to do an interview there. But that could have just as easily been a shotgun. Like a shotgun? You could have killed off the Australian industry. Oh, no, wait a minute. It's done that by itself.

That's Netflix. There's nothing to kill. Then obviously the night ended. So Sonia Kruger had won the gold, much to our demise. And we thought that's where we're tapping out. We didn't even want to go to any after-parties. Well, because it was in Sydney, there wouldn't have been. They wouldn't have been.

At midnight, everyone had to go home. Actually, did the police come and say, well, hang on, it's after 10. Well, that was what happened to get an exemption for the columns from account speech. When we were leaving, and we were kind of, admittedly, you know, we'd been a bit nervous that someone was going to bust and kick us out. Because we, the funny thing was everyone else there was seated and we were the only two people in the building who were just walking around from side to side over the entire night. So every time I made eye contact with someone, I thought, they know, they know. But of course they didn't because they were drunk off their asses.

But when we did eventually leave, we walked past a massive line of security guards guarding the exit red carpet and because we were probably some of the first people to duck out, I think they were a bit more cluey and a security guard looked at me and he said you know if you leave now mate you'll never be able to get back in and I said to him that is the best thing I've heard all night

outstanding now for your next trick Loughlin for 2024 do the same thing with a person of colour is Sonia Kruger going to be there if she gets her way yeah you'll not you won't manage to achieve that Aggie is from Rode

with part of the iconic class network and Loughlin congratulations thank you Dom