The Chaser Report - We Demand A Barnaby Joyce Royal Commission

Episode Date: February 11, 2024

Dom and Charles ask the important questions about Barnaby Joyce being spotted in a gutter, like why didn't anyone offer him a beer? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gadigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report with Dom and Charles. Hello, Charles. How are you going? How are you feeling? Look, Dom, I'm angry. I'm devastated. I think this day will go down in history. Really? In history? I think there needs to be, Dom, another Royal Commission. Wow.

In fact, I am using this podcast here today to call for a... Royal Commission. That's very serious, very dramatic. We've had a few in recent years, a lot of bombshells, the Robo Debt Royal Commission. Yep. You know, that sort of thing is. Age care. Yeah.

Child sex abuse in institution. Many terrible things. Yes. This is on the same level? Yeah. Oh, undoubtedly. On the weekend, Barnaby Joyce was filmed in a gutter along a Canberra Street. They're just lying there.

And there are so many questions that are unanswered. 48 hours later now, Dom. We need a Royal Commission to actually work out exactly what was going on. Yeah, and I completely see the point. There are a lot of questions. So why don't we, until that inevitably happens, wildly speculate after this? Okay, so the first one is somebody, so somebody... You've seen the clip.

Of course I've seen the clip. Australia's seen the clip. It's Lonsdale Street. It's 11.30pm on Wednesday. It was in Melbourne. No, no, Lonsdale Street. There was one in... Canberra just copies the names of other streets, right?

There's a Sydney street, isn't it? Right. Yeah, so he's on Longstaff, he's on his back, he's on the phone, apparently to Daily Telegraph columnist and former staffer, Vicky Campion. Here's what Mrs Joyce now, pretty much, just having a chat to his missus while reclining on the ground. As you do, in a gutter. I want to call my wife, they go to the, head to the nearest gutter.

I mean, you say in the gutter as though he was lying there drunkenly or something. It was the gutter. He'd fallen off a plane. The planterbox, you know how things go, Charles. You sit on a planter box. We've all sat on planterbox. There's no planter box nearby. This is what he says.

He was on the planter box. What? And then the planter box sort of walked away. What? It's, if anything, it's gravity's fault. Gravity intervened in an unexpected manner. Yeah. And he just temporarily forgot gravity was, you know, a thing.

And then gravity stopped working. He was down there. And the plantar box just left the earth. And he put the call through. I mean, either he continued the call or he put it through. That's probably the first question. question to ask. No, well, no, the first question to ask, Dom, is how the fuck did whoever was recording

the video, why didn't they offer Barnaby Joyce a beer? Like, you can't pass Barnaby Joyce in the street in Canberra and not offer him a beer. He was, like, he was not, there was no beer in his hands. Charles, it's possible that others during the course of the evening had already done that mandatory thing and that might have contributed to the situation. Wait a mean, so you're, so you reckon he might have been drunk? I don't know. I don't know.

Oh, really? I mean, I appreciate it. It could have been in zero alcohol beer. Who knows? Let's listen to some of this footage. A video has emerged of the former Deputy Prime Minister and Nationals leader sprawled on a Canberra pavement. It was late Wednesday night.

He could be heard talking on his phone using colourful language. Barnaby Joyce told 9 news he had fallen off the planter box while chatting on his mobile. If I had known someone was there with a camera, I would have got up quicker, he told Nine News. Maybe some things simply defy explanation. So that's Channel Nine News. So the first question is, why didn't they offer him a beer? I would have thought that there would be some sort of law. They were in power for nine years, right?

Yeah. Barnaby Joyce was Deputy Prime Minister for much of that. Much of that period, except for the whole impregnation thing, yeah. Yeah. I would have thought it was law that if you passed by, going to be joyce on the street, you offer him a beer. Yeah, it's the ACT. So I think the law does say that you've got to offer him a beer or pornography or fireworks.

I'm not sure which is it. Or marijuana. Actually, no, they've banned the pornography in the fireworks now, but the drugs have really gone on. So when... You know what they also offer in the ACT is a really good paternity leave, but I'm assuming... That's already, yeah, look, he's already needed that a few times. But the interesting thing is... So this is blowing my mind when you suggested just then that maybe he'd already had a drink.

I mean, I don't even know of what. I mean, mineral water, turpentine, something between the two. I mean, he doesn't mind a beer, does he? Just occasionally. Right, so that, I mean, because I came in here going Royal Commission. Yeah. You know, he's a guy in a gutter who needs a beer. Yeah.

And what you're saying is maybe he'd already... He'd already had it. It's possible. I don't want to cast some sort of prejudice of view. I mean, just because his cheeks are often bright red. Yes, they are. That might be sunburn. It might be it.

It might be some bit. It might be an allergic reaction. It could be a lack of beer. It could be a lack of beer. Well, it gets to a point, doesn't it, in that situation where, yeah. So there's another thing that's been mentioned here, Charles. There's another thing at the Royal Commission. I don't know if you're up to date on the latest excuses that have come down in the pipeline.

But as of Sunday night, the Herald reports, Joyce told several colleagues. He was feeling the effects of medication, Charles, medication mixing with alcohol. And I don't know whether the medication is a prescription drug or some people refer to alcohol as a form of medication. But there are certainly certain drinks. And if you're on hardcore painkillers, you don't go having booze. It says so on the label. But also, like, just antibiotics.

I remember back in the day. And neat whisker. Netwisky can also have similar effect. So I love it. But how is that an excuse? Like I was on lots of, I was on a cocktail of drugs. Yeah. So that makes it better.

But also why, this is why we need a Royal Commission, because the Prime Minister, Anthony Aberneasy has come out and said that the coalition has to explain itself. But what is there to explain? Like, surely the explanation should come from the government about why they weren't. in a gutter brawled out in a cocktail of drugs and alcohol. It makes me think

Anthony Albanesey's come out and he said I'm quoting me, this is what he said on Sunday the Prime Minister, he said, people will also think to themselves, what would the response be if that was a minister in my government being seen to be behaving in that way? Well, the first point is that different rules apply to Labor, that's been

very clear for a long time. But also, if that were a member of Albo's government, certainly at another period in the history of Labor, you'd say, why aren't they Prime Minister? Bob Hawke. Bob Hawke would have been, if he had seen Barnaby in that situation,

in the unlikely event that Hawke wasn't in the gutter beside him, he would have definitely, A, helped him up and be given him a beer. I mean, in some ways, what Barnaby Joyce was doing was very prime ministerial. It was very prime ministerial.

I mean, in some ways, do you think maybe it's on? Maybe it is on. There's a spill. And I'm not talking about Barnaby's, drinks. No, he doesn't spill a drink. To be fair to Joyce,

never known to spill a drop. But Charles, there's a lot of people have been asked questions about Richard Miles' performance recently. Yes. I mean, there's some issues

in Labor. Anthony Albany's he could easily tomorrow appoint Barnaby Joyce as deputy prime minister, couldn't he? Yes. Where he's meant to be.

The one job where he gets enough money to be able to afford all of his children. Or is it more likely, given the you know, he's in the coalition that Peter Dutton is in trouble because

Barnaby's gone, Peter Dutton, you know, can't land a punch against Albo. Yeah. I'd better get into the gutter because, you know, the NADS can actually rule as the minority in that coalition. Barnaby could land a punch and he can spike

a punch too, I'm sure. So, well, this is an idea that I think Albo should be considering. I mean, so yes, to head off the threat, because obviously, it's one or the other, isn't it? Either Barnaby takes over from Peter Dutton as the leader of the opposition and

storms home in the next election or Albo drafts Barnaby now. We have a government of national coalition. National unity, yeah, behind having beers. Because this is the thing when you think more about it, right? You don't need to get rid of Richard Miles, the sort of underperforming

deputy prime minister. You don't need to do that. What you need to do is, I mean, David Little Proud is the leader of that. I couldn't tell you a thing about him, except he was out there opposing the voice before Dutton. So, you know, in many ways he's the soul of the coalition. But he hasn't really, the one people know, as always, is Barnaby Joyce. It's the most

famous politician on the right. Yeah. More famous than Dutton, I'd say. Get rid of Little Proud. Put Joyce back as the nationals leader where he belongs, the talisman of his party. Yes. And make the coalition Labor and the Nats. Labor and the Nats, it's a perfect marriage. Yes, it's a natural marriage. Liberals don't drink, do they?

But Labor and the Nats love a beer. They can be the party of national boozing. And the other great thing is that Richard Marles could then swap over to the lives, which would be far more naturally his home, as he loves Orcas and everything. Loves Orcas. And he could take over from Dutton. And so he could be the opposition.

Yeah, that's not about, it's all looking pretty good. Look, more on this brilliant theory, I think, after he says he's going to get a beer. News a few days after it happens. Okay, so we've both got beers. Cheers. Chin, chin. So which gutter should we hang out in tonight, John? This is the thing.

It can be any gutter, but the nearest one's usually the best one. Yes, that's what I've always said. Especially if there's a planter box. Yes, that's right. Because they're hard to, look, it's hard to perch on the edge of a planter box. It's not an armchair. It's not a sofa. You've got to have some degree of control over your sort of motor functions to not fall off a plantar box.

I didn't see a planter box in the video. There's no... You've watched the video. I've watched the video like a hundred times. He's rolled. He's done a tactical roll. No, there is. Look, there's a planter box.

It's a fair way away from him. But it's got a sort of narrow edge. It's probably about an inch wide the edge of that. There's no... It's quite low to the ground. It's quite load of the ground. Imagine it... To fall off.

He'd have to roll. Yeah, like, there's no... And his head's at the other end. I mean, have people checked for a head injury. Yes. I really hope that the first day... Because that could have really improved Barnaby's mental acuity If he managed to bump his head quite hard.

Well, I was going to say, if he's had a serious head injury, you might even be able to become leader of the opposition. But what I like, Charles, is I gather the timeline when, and this is what we need the... We really need a police reconstruction. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I believe he was on the phone to Vicky. Yes.

Probably making excuses about why he wasn't home yet, let's be honest. Yeah. Thawls off the planet box, but keeps the call going. And that's what makes me think that he was Compos Mentis, despite the video. Right. Because he kept the excuse call going with his wife, despite falling off the planet box. Yes.

And he's pretending that he's all right. He's all right. Yeah. Yeah, he's clearly... He's far from all right looking at the video. I'm just in a shadow cabinet, Vicky. Yeah, yeah. I've got a lot to work on.

Yeah, yeah. They had three tax cuts. And it's been said by many, but the person who filmed Barnaby Joyce in that position, rather than offering him a helping hand and checking if he was okay, he just went straight to the phone. Or offering him a beer, which is clearly what he needed. That person needs to work for us. because we need that sort of viral content. Viral content.

We've already there for the insensitivity in the life of humanity. No. But the eye for viral content is very good. I was a little bit disturbed at how little he lingered on Barnaby Doers, the person who videoed it. Yeah. I think he should have just really zoomed in. He should have interviewed him, shouldn't he?

He should have. And it was a chaser stunt. We would just not stop rolling. Well, see, I think this is what, because it's always been hard to get Barnaby for chases. Yeah, it has been. It tends to sort of rage. off in a sort of thing.

But also you can't find him. It's very hard to find. Well, the car pulls up straight outside the pub, doesn't it? He just goes straight in the... Yeah, that's right. But I think our mistake has been that we look at eye level. We don't go to the...

We don't stalk the planter boxes in Canberra. But this is the most interesting thing that's happened in Canberra for years. And this is a thing. Barnaby is a headline machine. The number is... I mean, this is just scandal number 52 or something. Like, this is nothing.

This is just an ordinary day for Barnaby. Exactly. So who should run the Royal Commission? Oh, I mean, Andrew Keefe. Look, he's got a lord degree. And he knows gutters. Who else? I mean, you know who they should get.

It'll take a little bit of wangling, but this is important enough for really the planet to make it happen. Brett Kavanaugh, the Supreme Court judge. You know the guy, the guy who likes a beer. Oh, Dom. Yeah, get him down here. He likes a beer. The only thing I know about him, apart from the whole thing that he needs to get away with, is that he loves a beer.

Yes, he does. Barnaby Joyce would respect him. And the Royal Commission does I understand it don't generally involve beer in the courtroom. But I think in this scenario, how could you, how could a jury, how could a sober jury assess this situation? You want a tanked jury. You've got to have it in the highest beer courtyard of the land. The Ivy or something. But Charles, here's the thing.

You know the judicial system. the theory is that you are assessed by a jury of your peers and if anyone on that bench is not absolutely half cut or fully smashed they're not barnaby's peers they're in no position to assess what's no exactly royal commissions don't generally involve juries but this one should and it should be like you're allowed to take the fifth beer that's right you'll take the fifth beer yeah so the problem with albo is i think albo's gone away from the man like with the new suits and the slimmer and the sort of self-control Albo used to be post-hawk I think the most beerable

politician like the person There was even beer named after him before Hawke Albo had a beer named after him before Hawke did Where's the beer-loving Albo This is if Albo If he says In full support

Full support says look I've talked to Barnaby Joyce Yes What he did You know my new partner Electoral partner What we're going to do The next election Deputy Prime Minister

To Barnaby Joyce Our policy is to buy every Australian a beer. You don't know right about the stage three tax cuts. That's all fine. That's actually gone really well in the polls. I don't know whether you've seen now. Australia loves that.

You say on top of that, every Australian will get a voucher. It can be a digital voucher. Free beer. Do it through Medicare. Bulk build beer. Yeah. Bulk build beer.

You still got to pay the gap. Yeah, you've got to pay a dollar. Yeah. Just to make sure people don't go crazy. That's an election-winning policy in this country. Bulk-bill beer. Bulk-bill beer. Can we get that commission?

Can we actually commission that? I reckon. between Labor and the Nants That would be doable Bulk build beer From your local And for the teal To get the teals on side

Would it have to be like Bulkbeal craft beer Nogonis Yeah so in the gronis Yes You can have some sort of Aprol sprits I think would be the way

That we go for the teals But this is going to work Can we get some sort of custom beer It's like a Medicare beer I think so I think With a special label Yeah

Oh hang on Why hasn't Barnaby Joyce Got a beer owned after him Barnaby red-faced We need a beer named after the gutter The gutter Yes, it's the gutter laager What about a beetroot beer

Because you've got all sorts of interesting blends going on The sour beers, I've had mango beers We've just done a beetroot beer It's time, bright red Barnaby's beetroot beer But I think just out of fairness and equity All beers should be available on Oh no, that's true But I mean

Except maybe sort of like really bespoke, you know, sort of... Fancy stuff, yeah. That's a high gap. You got to get private health insurance for them. You know what you do with the Barnaby beer. What you'd do is you would include as well as the beer in the tinny. You'd include just some sort of unnamed medication.

So that when you fell over in the gutter, you're able to say, look, I was on medication. I don't even know what I was taking. It's an excuse beer. So get out of jail free Well I think we've solved every problem Do we still need a Royal Commission I think the more you drink The less you need

The less you care Well I think the thing is With the Royal Commission You should still do it anyway Because it allows you to requisition Yeah Because you definitely need the Royal Commission Because you need to work out

How the whole Medicare beer will work That's true Actually that needs a lot of work Well someone's placed a plaque I believe At the scene of the planter box Someone's put a plaque someone else has left a can of beetroot on the site.

Oh, that's nice. Yeah, well, maybe we should be, have a national day of putting your beetroot today. So it says here, I'm not making this up. Someone apparently put a pluck, unless it's a bad Photoshop job. I don't know where it could be. No, that looks like, that looks real.

In memory of Barnaby Joyce being totally fuck-ass drunk that time, 8th of Jan 2024. That's nice. Our gear is from road. We're part of the O'Connor Class Network. When you get that bulk billed beer, you'll know who to thank.