The Chaser Report - We Fixed Harvey Norman

Episode Date: August 31, 2021

The Chaser takes credit for getting Harvey Norman to repay JobKeeper. Also, Zander and Lachlan are thinking of moving in together, John checks out Brexit, and Charles and Gabbi welcome Dom back with implausible sincerity. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This episode of The Chase Report is brought to you by you. Michael, thanks for signing up to the mailing list. We now have all your credit card details and you're the sponsor of this entire show. So we just want to say thanks. What the fuck? Gabby, don't throw the caviar. Oy! It's in my eye! Stop!

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is the Chase of Report. Hello and welcome to the Chaser Report for Wednesday, the 1st of September. My name is Gabby Bolt, and I'm here with Charles Firth and Dom Knight. Is that how we do it? Hi, Gabby. Yeah, you've crushed it. No, it's so good to have you back, Dom. It's nice to you back.

And I must say, in yesterday's episode description, when it suggested that Charles was genuinely pleased. I mean, that's a first in about the 30 years that I've known, Charles. What did I say? It said that you're keen to have me back. I think that, no, that's that. Cam has done this voice generator thing, which is all artificial intelligence. Oh, Charles, what a load of shit.

Just accept that you missed it. Sorry, I'm an Australian. I'm an Australian male. I'm not allowed to have feelings. I'm going to solve. No, no, I'm solving this right here right now. Guys, hug. Hug it out.

We're not allowed to. Hug the screen. Hug the screen. I will not rest. September the 13th. Although, I must say that given that we got to the putting Charles's wife on the podcast stage in my absence, who is admittedly a renowned and entirely worthy academic, but it's still funny, I felt it was time to end the holiday and come back.

But look, it wasn't truly a holiday. I've got to confess, I was actually on a special project. Oh, yeah. Are you cheating on us? It wasn't cheating on you. I was working for the greater good. I was negotiating behind the scenes to get Harvey Norman to pay back JobKeeper. And it has, as of yesterday, paid back $6 million of the JobKeeper that it claimed.

That was you. And that was you. It was all me. What was your threat against them? What did you say that made them go, okay, we're greedy as fuck? But we're going to pay back anyway. We can't take it anymore. I basically was negotiating on behalf of the chaser.

Yes. To discontinue the bombardment of withering satire that we've been launching. We can't handle your withering sata. We can't hand your jibes. I reminded them that in July, for instance, the website had Melbourne rebrands to Harvey Norman in hopes of getting some government assistance. I mean, that was, I think, the straw that broke the Jerry Harvey's back. Yes.

Among many other headlines, Channel 9, Jerno, forced to hit the streets to inform public about the great savings at Harvey Norman. PM reassures Victorians that he's willing to give JobKeeper to Jerry Harvey, which is kind of the same joke as the other one, but not to worry. And we even sent Loughlin outside their store dressed as a surprise spruca. And they were so shocked to see a character from 20 years ago that they open up their wallets. Oh, well, good for you.

Good on you. You've really done the world. You made the world a better place, which is not something you can say now that you're back hosting the podcast. That's true. I will say you've kind of made our podcast. curse job a little harder because now we have one less person to take the piss out of. Well, I mean, I was very, I was genuinely pleased when I saw the headline about the six

million dollars. But then I realized that actually it was $22 million was the total that they took. So we're not there yet, guys, we're not there yet. Oh, that's good. We can keep poking the bear. We'll send Loughlin back. Yeah. I won't be able to resist another surprise broker. They'll go, hang on, what is this?

2007? Coming up on the show today, John Del Minico is dropping by to point out some flaws with Brexit. I can't believe there are flaws in Brexit. What is this madness? And Loughlin and Zander are thinking of becoming flatmates and they need to know what they're up for. Yeah, I think we need to sort of intervene before they actually do the DECD.

Yeah, that's a cry for help, isn't it, that one? But first, let's head to Rebecca Deunamuno in the Chaser Newsroom. Ah, it's nice to be back. New South Wales Premier Gladys Beridiglian has unveiled a brand new flag for the state which better symbolises her government's COVID response. The white flag was unveiled by Gladys earlier this week, saying the new design proudly conveys her unconditional surrender towards the virus, protesters, the police and Sky News.

In response to criticism of their plan to blindly trust the Taliban, the Pentagon have pointed out that it would be weird not to trust the group given that they created them in the first place. A spokesperson for the Pentagon has reported that if any party is to be deemed untrustworthy, it's those pesky reporters who keep snitching on them. Finally, in an incredible display of human brain power, a local housemate has recently discovered that dishes can be washed and stored away.

Previously, it was believed that four-day-old cups of oatmeal and red bull would spontaneously appear back in the cupboard after visiting cutlery rehab to get clean again. However, the roommate's startling findings challenged this hypothesis. Said housemate has now set off to uncover more of life.

life secrets and hopes to learn how the only peanut butter jar in the house keeps refilling itself. That's the latest chaser headlines. I'm Rebecca de Unamuno, and would a headline by any other satire name still be as sweet? No, it fucking wouldn't. This episode of The Chase Report is brought to you by Ferraris. Michael, you're a fucking legend. I don't know everyone else isn't driving these things around.

They're so good. So John's here to give Charles and I possibly the least intelligent people on this podcast a little quiz. Hi John. Hi. So I don't know if you guys know this but in the last few months I've really been getting into Brexit and I've changed my mind on Brexit. What is it with people researching stuff on this podcast and changing their opinion? At first I saw it as just a completely dumb idea with no benefit to it because it was just based on racist lies from people who then immediately moved out of the country. Yeah, understandable.

Yeah. Which it was, wasn't it? Well, yeah, but there was been one good thing that's come out of Brexit. When British Twitter wakes up and then they find out about a Brexit change that Boris Johnson did not see coming. Oh, right. So it's just a series of lulls that you wake up to. Yeah.

So I've actually got a, I wrote a quiz down, see if you have seen any of these headlines. Oh really, yeah. So most of them I fill out of blanks. So this first one, I'll give you an easy one, which has two answers, and are both from the last two weeks. Yep. So due to Brexit, blank fast food chain recently ran out of blank. KFC just ran out of chicken.

Or McDonald's just ran out of beef patties? You're both actually close. Ooh. Between the two different answers. Nandoz has ran out of chicken across the entire nation of Britain. Now that's a travesty. Because of Brexit? Yeah, because the chicken has been stuck.

in the trade route. Ah. And the same thing has happened to McDonald's thick shakes. They run out of the ingredients for the thick shakes because they can't get them into Britain before they go off. I love how you say the ingredients of thick shakes, realizing that you have no idea what's in a thick shake. So the second question, what unexpected charge has returned for Brits?

It'll be something like, you know, there's a $100 passport fee. It's actually data roaming charges when you go to the EU. EU. Oh, no. So Vodafone has announced, like, recently that they're going to start just charging British customers again when they go to the EU, mainly just because they can. Oh, wow. Yeah, because there was a law against roaming charges inside Europe, and they're not inside Europe. Yeah, like, it's just like one of those capitalism things where they're like, well, we don't have to charge them, but we can, so we will.

Well, the next one is Emergency temporary measures for truck queues have become permanent as the queue is still stuck at blank trucks How many trucks do you think are currently in the queue On the EU-Bring border? It would be a thousand, I reckon It would be a massive

I'm going to say the opposite I'm going to say it's like 12 I'm going to go with the closest answer Which is Charles Because the current number is still at 7,000 trucks 7,000 A queue of And they've got the Nando's chicken

Somewhere in that queue Is the Nando's chicken, is it? What? Yeah, this is... All together? I remember what Brexit first happened Because this has actually gotten better Because originally they were planning for 13,000 trucks in the queue.

They took days to get across the border. I'm really looking forward to history books in like 2030 Because I think Hindsight is always really funny It's never ever heartbreaking and like just reading back and just seeing what historians will probably say. I just want a book that says a bunch of things like, and then this happened, followed by which was a bad idea.

We always get told that we learned from history, but it doesn't seem like we do. We never ever do. Crowded House were wrong. History always repeats. Well, one thing with history, which leads into the next question. In November of 2020, Boris Johnson said, nothing could, quote, stop the great British sausage from making it to Belfast. My question is, what has stopped the Great British sausage from making it to Belfast?

My question is, what is the Great British sausage? Does he mean him and all these kids? Yeah, the man's been around. Do you reckon he calls his, you know, the Great British sausage? No, I'm assuming he just calls it his Johnson. Oh, good one. No, but sadly, Gabby, this is one of the few times that he isn't thinking about his penis. He was actually talking about sausages.

I think the British sausage is too fete to be classified as a sausage. And because Belfast is under the deal sort of part of the EU still or something, it means that the Great British Sodgage is not allowed to be imported into Belfast. I can't believe of all of these facts, Charles. The one you know the most information about seemingly is fucking sausages. Well, Gabi, his answer's wrong. Oh, then never mind. Let's cut that out of the show.

What was it? What was it? The answer is that Boris Johnson got rid of all of the standard. rules for farmers, despite the fact that the farmers actively had a campaign telling Boris Johnson not to get rid of the EU standard rules because they were already working to those standards anyway, so it would cost money for them to change their systems to then make a worse product. But because he changed those rules and the country no longer can prove that they make sausage to the standards of EU's laws, they're not allowed to sell them in the EU.

So he just did it just to show off to Europe that he could do this. Yeah, to wave his sausage around. Wow. Well, thank you for enlightening me on all the great things about Brexit. I'm just, I am looking forward to when Western Australia and Victoria do their own versions of Brexit because we'll be able to laugh at them.

Hi, I'm the editor of the Herald Sun. I'm editor of the Daily Telegraph. And I'm the editor of the Australian. I'm the editor of the Courier Mail. And I'm the executive producer of Southam. Sky News. And we just want to say that we're completely independent. We don't just spout whatever rid of murder tells us to. We have complete editorial independence. And anyone who says otherwise is clearly a bitter ex-prime minister who has too much time on their hands.

Sure between us we control over 70% of the news media in Australia, but we don't need a royal commission. Anyway, I'm off to run up a puppy somehow. Climate change is a host. Not because Rupert told us to you, but because I love the great weather that comes from climate change, even though it is a hoax. See you. Oh, and remember, Daniel Andrews is the dictator. The Union Stoge. Dictator, sorry, I meant dictator.

The Chaser Report. Now with extra whispers. Now I found out this morning, Dom and Gabby, that Lachlan and Sander have decided that they're going to move in together in a share house. I brought them in, and I've also brought in. Alexa, who works with us as well. Whole gang's here. And I just want to vet you to, Andrew Lachlan, to make sure,

have you ever actually lived in a sharehouse before? No, we've been inside for the last two years, Charles. I've never lived in a house before. Is this the first time that you've been living out of house? Yes. I'm going to pop my sharehouse cherry with Zandand. Oh, it already got sexual. Lachlan, what are you doing?

So before you do, I just think maybe we just want to check whether you two on the same page. And I'm going to write a little bit of a quiz to see... Okay. Just some foundational principles, you know, about how one would live together. I just want to point out, before we did this, Charles live with almost everyone from the chaser back in the day. I live with the jewels, at the very least.

It was very common. So, question one. We'll ask this, say, Zander, right? Yeah. Toothpaste. You share the toothpaste? Or do you each have your own tube of toothpaste? You definitely wouldn't share toothbrushes.

I feel like you potentially could. could share toothpaste, but it would really be depends what you agreed upon. Lachlan, what do you think? Toothpaste, toothbrush, teeth, all of it's shared. Okay, I love already Xander's hand is on his face. Oh dear, okay. Question two. Okay, we'll give you this one to Lachlan.

You'd go and do the shopping, like the week's groceries and things. Are you going to share it and split it evenly, even if, you know, one person buys more than the other and do it together, or are you just going to have separate shops and divide up the fridge? Okay, so what we're going to do is we're going to all shop together. We're going to divide it three ways. Xander's allergic to, I think, 30% of everything will divide Xander's cut by 30% to equate for everything he can't eat. Wow, okay, and keep a spread cheetahs. That's complicated.

That will last one shop. Zander, is that your understanding? I think there's things you can share, right? You can definitely share, like, the basics, like milk and stuff like that. There's no point having 20 different liters of milk in the fridge at the one time. Yeah, but... And anything we want to keep, I'm assuming, it's just a label. Yeah.

Yeah, cool, there we go. Well, you do it. This is easy. Or you have a shelf each in the fridge, like... Yeah. I'm telling you right now, that is not going to last. It's not going to last, but it's good. Now, we get to paying the rent on time.

So is there going to be one person in charge of getting all the money from everyone else? I think Lachlan would be the best rent gatherer in the history of the galaxy. As the person who's constantly following up everyone in this Zoom call for their edits, I'm definitely going to be the person who's chasing Xander and Mark is our other roommate. Hi, Mark. Love to have you on the podcast. I'll be following them all up on rent ruthlessly. Okay.

And you're fine with that doing all the work. Oh, well, that's not a lot different to what I got going on now. Okay. Charles, I have an issue with this quiz. I don't think you actually care about Zander and Lockie. think you're ready to sabotage it right here right now we know he doesn't care about us when we asked him for job references he wrote the exact same thing and we're pretty sure he only just remember to change the names on each of them yeah i was very sure i had to double check mine

before i submitted it to the real estate agent to make sure he didn't say zana shivani letter and then in the first line say lachlan hodson okay so i'm going to ramp up the the quiz now a little bit and just make it a little bit more so box of cereal do you neatly fold Or do you leave it open so that it goes stow? Which one? No, but the problem is that the wheat mix bag isn't big enough to fall down. You just can close the top of the box. Zanda, I do actually have to say,

I've only lived with you in the office so far. We're going to have to sort out something to do with these oatmeal bowls you leave all over the place. This is Charles. I think Charles has unwinded me. This is it. This is the end. Yeah, which leads me to my next question, Zander,

which is, say you have a Tupperware container that used to contain curry. Do you leave it on your desk for three months, or do you clean it up once you've finished it? And answer carefully, because your desk is in the next room to me right at the moment. Under normal circumstances, you'd clean it up. Under a pandemic, I think it's a good time to conduct a science experiment. Lachlan, do you want to see the Tupperware container that has been in this office for the last three months? Oh, don't do this to me.

Oh, no. That's no longer a container. We live like 60Ks away from the office. That's disgusting. That's a bit moldy chas. Are you sure it's not getting to your brain? Like the spores? The question is not about these two being flatmates,

but why on earth did you hire Xander? That's disgusting. The next question, Zander, is say you're working in an office. And do you leave your socks on the ground in the middle? middle of the office all day, or do you not leave your socks on the ground in the middle of the office all day? Which one? No, they're clean socks because we bought socks from Kmart once and then left them underneath. Zander's only been in my car twice and I already have two pairs of socks in there. Do you have a pair of underwear in there once as well?

Well, that was something else. I feel this entire segment has descended into complete anarchy and messiness, which is exactly what every sharehouse ever is like. It is Xander bashing, but I will say, we don't have to worry too much about it because if this actually drives a rift between Charles and Xander in about three-ish months that container would have grown another Xander so we're fine there does explain his origin story

doesn't it? Yes, 2001 there's a box of beastrogging off on the bench nine months later, Sander popped out I think no one's to share houses but I think the bigger issue is why you guys want to move out at all look like I'm turning 29 in a month and I still live my parents and everyone thinks I'm super cool Alexa can I just ask

what are your thoughts on storing curry and storing socks. I'd have to ask my mum. She does all that work. Can I move in with your mum? Yeah, come on. Everyone, everyone joining here. It's great.

You get your laundry done. They remind you when to wash your sheets and then you forget and they wash it for you. It's brilliant. Okay, Zanda. Sorry, something's come up. I'm going to have to move in with Alexa instead. I've been renting for six years like a chump. I'm coming to live with Alexa.

I want my shoes clean. It's so much better. And you won't have any of these conflicts because it's no one else's role apart from my mum's and that. Oh, of course. Can you take a family of three? Yeah, come on, everyone. Everyone joined me with a nice little chaserhouse.

And this has been the most self-referential segment in the history of the podcast. Congratulations, everybody. This episode is brought to you by the New South Wales Police Frauds and Scams Division. Your online security is of utmost importance, and they guarantee that perpetrators will be apprehended within 48 hours of you filing a report. Is that it? Is that what you guys wanted? Is that it? All right. Just before we go, Charles and Gabby, a bit more bad news from the Sydney lockdown. I don't know if you could imagine. There could be any more.

We've lost a Chris Hemsworth movie due to this. The sequel to extraction, which is all about getting out of dangerous places and him being a secret agent and all that. They worked out that it was actually safer to film it in Eastern Europe than in Sydney. Well, what will we do? Without Hollywood stars going out on yacht. Without celebrities. What will we do without them? How will I be reminded that I will never attain the level of wealth that those people have?

Because what you're saying, you started the show by saying, claiming victory over Harvey Norman, who got $22 million and has handed me back. And you've ended the show by saying, oh, isn't it terrible that all these millionaires are going overseas? I don't think it's terrible. I think we just get rid of them. Although they are good looking. Yes, well, that's the whole point.

It's a wonderful thing for the men of Australia to send Hemsworths offshore. They're not that good looking. But Gabby, you've got to admit, Dom and I are worse looking than Chris Hemsworth. You've got to admit that. Yeah, well, out of duty to you guys, I have to admit that. Which means that we have actually moved up two rank, no, one rank in terms of how good looking we are, with Chris having now pissed off overseas.

Congratulations. You've moved up a letter step in the female gaze. Yes. The male gaze is still a big problem, but... There was a period there where I was going around saying, hey, we're the new Hollywood. what everyone wants to relocate here. It's going to be, you know, unprecedentedly great times for Sydney.

All the stars were here. Turns out it wasn't actually that they liked Sydney or thought that it was a special place. It's just that we didn't have COVID. Yes. That was actually it. So it's not us. It was never us, Charles.

It was just the rest of the world was fucked. I'll tell you what. Hollywood is a fickle business, isn't it? Oh, where's the loyalty? Natalie Portman, why did you leave us? Our gear is from, right? Oh, hang on. You're back, Dom.

You can do all this stuff. Yeah, our gears from road microphones were part of the Acast Crater. We'll catch you tomorrow. See ya. Bye. Oh, and leave a five-star review. Oh, shit, yeah. Oh, fuck.

We kept on forgetting to do that. And please jump on Apple Podcasts and leave us a review. Five stars is always nice. For today's code word, just let everyone know how amazing our campaign was and we got Harvey Norman to cough up at last. Well done. Well done, Charles. Well done, Gabby. I mean, you did the work, Dom.

Yeah, yeah, that's right. Let's keep saying that. See, yeah. Bye.