The Chaser Report - We Need A Minister for Laundry

Episode Date: June 1, 2022

Charles and his voice are back - much to Dom and Andrew's disappointment. Thanks to the announcement of a new Minister for Arts, Andrew ponders what other day-to-day needs could do with gaining a Minister. Plus Dom takes a deep dive into the implications of Saudi Arabia's upcoming golf championship. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report. It is Wednesday the 1st of June 22. Dom Knight here with Andrew Hansen and Charles Firth has his voice back. I'm so sorry, Andrew, that Charles is back. No. Oh, Charles, are you speaking again, are you? I'm completely well.

Can you hear that? This is bad news for the eardrums of everybody around the world. But it was the weirdest thing because, like, Like, because I was really worried, I kept on doing these COVID tests going, you know, I can't, it must have something really bad. You know, but it couldn't be the flu, because they had the flu shot a couple of weeks ago. So I actually ended up going to the doctor. And the doctor was all sort of a bit derisive about me coming in.

She said, Charles, you've got a cold. Cold still exist. You're allowed to have colds nowadays. But what you don't do is you turn up to the doctor to find out that you've got a cold. She sort of insulted me for turning up. You were cold-shamed. Yes, I was cold-chained. This is because Labor's in office now, so you just figured you just go to the GP for anything.

Go to the GP for a cup of tea, isn't that what they say, for a chat? Yes. To soothe your clawing loneliness. Just visit the GP. Charles, did you lose your voice, though, or were you up the night before until 3am explaining a grand plan to somebody? No, this is the thing. I had the world's most boring weekend. I was writing all weekend.

I didn't even use my voice. Oh, okay. Maybe you were actually sick. Yeah, I was actually sick. No, and the other worrying thing was on the Monday morning, I swore that I had lost my taste. Oh. Right.

But then I realized I have no sense of taste. Actually, looking back on 30 years of your wardrobe. Yep, that's true. This much is true, yes. And today, look, I noticed that we have a new ministry in the government, like a new portfolio, which is this funny sort of thing called art. So, look, I thought, well, that's just one. I reckon there are a few other portfolios that we should probably invent

now that we've got a new government, so we'll be brainstorming some of those. And I'm going to take a look at a wonderful sports event coming up, these Saudi Arabian golf tournaments. Being organised by Greg Norman, it's all coming up in a moment. The Chaser Report, more news, less often. Now, Charles and Dom, look, I was very surprised when the, new prime minister started announcing, you know, his cabinet, you know, he started announcing

who's in charge of what, who, you know, which minister is in charge of which, which job, which, which ministry. Do we call the ministries in Australia? No, or is that the British people? Folios, ministers, whatever. The ministries, the ministries. Well, he's got this new one and it's called arts. The ministry's not a arts.

Yeah, apparently. I mean, what do they want? Do they want a country with spirit where life is enjoyable to live? No, no, no, no. What's the money in that? No, no, no, Andrew, Andrew, you've got to realize, like, if the last government is any guide, when you have a minister for something,

that means that they're against that thing. So the minister for water was about stripping everyone of water. The minister for the environment was charged. That was Susan Lee. She was charged with destroying the environment. So I think if the previous government is any guide, the fact that there's a minister for art, we should all be in fear.

That's a good point, actually, because it's Tony Burke who we've had on the podcast. Friend of the show, Tony Burr. He's also the workplace relations minister, so I can only assume he's going to be in charge of making it even harder for artists to earn a crust by bringing in all these new terms and conditions. Is that what are you doing? I'm not sure.

I assume, well, I assume, I mean, workplace, you know. I'm not doing an artist in a workplace. Look, I must say, this is a very worrying trend from this government because Anthony Avanese was seen at the Belvoir Street Theatre going to a play the other night. Yeah, I saw that. And apparently it was just because he, enjoys going to plays. Oh, that's embarrassing, isn't it?

Gee. A proper Prime Minister should only be seen at the footy. I presume he went to just work out how to best to shut it down. Well, that's what it would have been in the previous. No, I think the suggestion here is that he actually sort of enjoys things. And then Billy Bragg this morning came out

on Twitter and endorsed Anthony Albanese saying that, you know, they met at some rock concert at the End War 30 years ago and they've been friends ever since. I'm not hugely surprised that the glowing endorsement from Billy Bragg came after the election. You know, like the one un-reconstructed socialist left in the UK. We don't have any fans.

Of course Albo loves Billy Bragg. And then Tony Burke, when he was on here a couple of times ago, he was talking about how he's pushing for an insurance scheme for live performance, which would actually mean that it would be possible. to not be ruined every time you try and put on a live event. Oh, my God, imagine that. That would have seriously changed the live shows that you and I have been doing, Charles, wouldn't it? Because we wouldn't have resulted in both of us going bankrupt.

I know, exactly. I'm not easy? I'll be able to feed my family. It'll be terrible. This is very novel. I don't know. I mean, this leaves you in a real pickle because then you're going to have to choose food. You're going to have to go to the supermarket.

It's going to be a real pain. Yeah, and then the kids will all sort of. of start getting all picky again and, you know. They will. Because there'll be something more than gruel to have for dinner. That's the problem. They'll start getting energy. They'll be defiant.

There isn't going to be a genuine crisis, though, in what we do. And I'm just hearing it in this segment. Oh, yeah. Are we just going to have, I mean, in the art of satire and political comedy, are we just going to have three years of heavy-handed sarcasm? Is that, are we going to have a drought of every kind of, of every sort of content? Oh, because we're not going to whinge anymore. Is there nothing to whinge about it?

Just talking about what the government's doing with mock disapproval. Is that what we're going to, Chase is going to be from now? I have no doubt in Labor's capacity to disappoint. Like, I don't think you should worry about that, don't. No, this is just the brief, this is the brief out, listening to you both and just hearing the brief, it's an outbreak of hope, before it's dashed next week. I am disappointed that Christina Keneally is not there because, like, from day one, she would have been a fuckweed to everyone.

So, yeah, we're going to have to wait a few more weeks. And you say she's not there, but I heard a room the other day that she might run if there's a by-election in Cook, in Scott Morrison's seat. I suppose it'd be a good way of making sure the Liberals win it. She's none from two in lower house races. Maybe Morrison's asked her in to run. Captain's pig. Help himself.

Oh, my God. Well, look, if we're facing three more years of Billy Bragg quotations, I think this is not a good three years. This is going to be quite an annoying three years. But it does raise the question of, you know, what other ministries should we have? Thank you, Charles. It does. I mean, that's the question that I was wondering, because there are so many things, you know, so many aspects to our lives, aren't there?

And, you know, these ministries only cover certain things. Don't they cover, you know, transport and health and a few things, but there's more to life than just what these portfolios have. I mean, I sort of thought having a minister for the laundry. would be rather nice, you know, because it's something we all have to do. Yes. So, and it's annoying. So, you know, it's kind of like, you know, having a roads minister. We've all got to use roads.

They're not fun. So why don't we just have somebody who takes care of all the laundry? You just drop it off at a government depot. Oh, that would be so good. That would be so good. Wow. You've washed to the taxpayer's expense. Yes.

You pick it up. And the minister for laundry could actually work with the former government in a bipartisan fashion to sort of whitewash all their actions for the past three years. Superm idea. Even better. Even better. Yeah, it could be an arm of I care. Yes, that's right.

I was thinking what I'd love to see, the thing that continues most of my time, actually, the top priority for me is a minister for guilt. Just someone to help me manage the massive load of just every time I realize I haven't exercised in about three years. You know, I haven't achieved my life goals. Just that, I just, you know, all that stuff. I just would like someone to help me, you know, just carry that load of self-loading. Maybe it could be.

a super portfolio of guilt, shame and resentment? Yes. Oh, brilliant. Self-loat-ish. Yeah. Yes, and they could build, they could fund some sort of centre in, especially, I mean, especially you for you, like a huge sort of building in the shape of your head. Everybody can just go in there and, you know.

A neighbour, well, they're going to have the neighbourhood drop in centres sort of for GP clinics. But what about whinging? I mean, that's, sure, the medical person, but I want some sort of psychologist counsellor person. They can make me feel that my life. is not a total waste of time despite all the evidence of the contrary. Here's to go to the Department of Winging.

I think this is a brilliant idea. See, I've won a minister for text message etiquette. Oh. That would be useful. I don't know whether you... Your kids are too young, aren't they, Andrew, to sort of do text messages.

Well, yeah. My kids are sort of entering teenagehood. And the way Hartley, my 13-year-old texts, It's just, it's not on. Oh, well, he's a little bit brusque, is he? Well, no, it's just like he literally, and same with Vic and Jenna, who are in their 20s, right.

Not technically your children. You should be clear, this is pretty a nip, the respected comedians, so you've toured with. But, you know, if you're texting them, they will literally, like, they break up even their thoughts between text messages. So they go, you know, like, for Harley, it'll be like, hey, dad can, you know, and then next text message,

I have text message, you know, $3 extra. I want to buy some chips at the X message shop. It's really what they do. It's because, you know, in Discord and Twitch and all those sorts of messaging services, that's how you sort of do it. You sort of get it out in one stream because they're not, they don't beep at you each time you do it. But it's really fucking annoying if you're on your phone

and you get like 100 billion text messages. The interns did that too. Yes, and Slack. Yes, we should have a minister for group chats. Lay down some laws, not just some etiquette, laws. Finish the entire thought before you press enter and send the message. Before you finish. Yeah, just write down one thought would be good.

And ideally, don't send the message. But that would require the kids of today, Charles, to have an attention span of more than three seconds. I don't think it's possible for them to keep a beginning. There were a beginning of the sentence in their mind when they get to the end of it. Can we include Twitter in this ministry? I think we could. A minister for Twitter would be good to just shush people a bit.

Yes. I mean, you know, a minister for Zoom meetings, perhaps. Yes, that's right. These meetings are so irritating if we could just offload them onto the government. Can you imagine if there was sort of government offices in this new ministry of Zoom meetings who just came in about 10 minutes into a meeting and just said, this doesn't need to exist this could have been

you could have resolved it in three minutes in an email yeah in an email or just whatever or a slack message you're kind of making the mistake there Domney of assuming that when you're hands something to the government would become more efficient

actually if we do this oh so it'd be like then suddenly we'd have to have like 12 zooms a day every meeting would be 50 times as long the government official would join the Zoom meeting and then make a very very ponderous and pompous point that didn't end

and everyone would just log off and make an excuse so you'd have the same result I've quite like a Department of Vacuuming, I was thinking. Most of yours are chores. Something, yeah, something that was here. It is that you're right. I didn't think of that. Cooking.

They're all chores. I don't want to do anything. It should be a government person. I mean, they collect the rubbish, right? Whoever thought of, you know, just handing it to the government to collect your bins was a genius. And it makes no sense that we still have to do all these other chores as well. Yes. And then to what would happen?

How would it work? Three burly, dirty men come into your house. In high biz. They come in high biz. And vacuum your house and do all the other things, too. They brush your teeth for you, you know, while you stood there, you know. And then shout really loud. It would be like 5 a.m.

And they'd just be shouting really loudly as they did it. Have you done this time of it? Have you done this teeth yet? Yep, go. And just bang things unnecessarily. But also, this government wants to create a lot of jobs. They want to solve employment. They want to do this. This would be a fantastic way.

just have full employment, just hire everyone to do meaningless shit for the rest of us. I love it. Absolutely. This is the most middle-aged conversation we've ever had in the history of the podcast, but I'm on board for it. Not so much story. I mean,

I was thinking of the text messages thing that also applies to boomers. I mean, boomer men cannot text either. No, no. We're you. They write, you know. And also they use full punctuation and things are there. You know, yours sincerely, mum.

Oh, mum's done. I'm thinking of the dads who write things like, I go home. Yes, yes, yes, yes. And they take the half an hour to type it out as well. Yes, that's right. You see the dots just going for a very, very long time. Yeah, maybe a minister for ministers.

I was thinking that could be the ultimate one. Someone to look after all the bloody ministers. So we never have to hear from any of them again. The Chaser Report, less news, more often. All right, so we spoke a few weeks ago on the podcast. about the new Greg Norman tournament in Saudi Arabia. So essentially, Saudi Arabia, you know, horrible, brutal anti-human rights regime, Greg Norman, acclaimed golfer without much in the way of principles,

very happy to organise an event for the Saudis, essentially... Who like chopping up journalists? Well, no, look, you see, he addressed this. I mean, some did criticise Norman for ignoring Saudi Arabia's human rights record, And he didn't. He came out and defended it. And what he did was he referred to the monarchy's, you know, likely role in the dismembering of the Washington Post journalist, Jamal Khashoggi, as a mistake. It was a mistake, like Greg Norman getting into bed with the Saudis in the first place.

Or becoming an international golver and getting the yips. Yeah, that's true. Another huge mistake. Oh, you know, he's famous for mistakes. Yeah, that's right. He's an expert on mistakes at the last minute. So this is the LIV. Sort of an ironic title, isn't it?

Live for Saudi Arabia, because it's not what the journalists get to do. But it's 25 million for this tournament. It just goes to show that if you've got enough money, you can do anything you want. I mean, four Aussies have signed up for this thing, not including Adam Scott, fortunately. Be a former world number one, Dustin Johnson's headlining it. And the PGA has tried to stop them from going.

It said, you can't do this, it won't let them do it. It's like the... Wait a minute, Saudi Arabia, does it have much grass? Like, wouldn't it just be all bunkers? Well, I presume... I haven't seen the details. I presume what it actually is, is that they're... Like all the things in Middle East, they're just, at vast expense,

made fake grass in some sort of weird eco-dome. Yes. That's right. Sure. Yeah. Nuclear power-edged children. I would have brought the grass in, you know, from California or something. I mean, this is what the UAE did.

I visited there once in a month. Sorry, and yeah, some of the beaches, you know, have just been moved in. It's ironic. Oh, the sand here is not good enough, they thought, so they're just moving. The one thing would be sad. I mean, that's the one thing, yet again. It's not nice beachy sand, though. It's a sort of deserty sand, which is not so good to sunday con.

It's not a very fine, soft white sand. So, look, perhaps they've done that. Or, you know, maybe they've just rung up, you know, put, putt golf in Australia and asked to, you know, install some of those little windmills. It's just a massive holy moly. Yeah, well, maybe they've taken, you know, the Washington Post officers in Riyadh and just flatten them for a holy moly. That would be very good.

But it just made me think if you were in charge of a despotic regime, wouldn't you be thinking to yourself, what a wonderful idea this is, to just get some washed up sportsperson who nobody respects on board and have an event. I mean, I would have thought the next time around, the Saudis wanted to play golf,

they'd do it with, you know, beheaded human rights activists. The one country where they say, still behead people in the town square. Well, that's not about it. I'm a look, perhaps they should bring in the AFL dummy. And, you know, we could see, you know, the bulldogs kicking around the severed heads from all the public executions.

Oh, imagine the mark up there, Kazali. Yeah, I mean, it's wonderful. I was thinking also, you know those demolition derbies that people have at the Speedway and all that? Wouldn't a Tiananmen Square tank derby be a wonderful way to create interest in the Chinese race thing? Greg Norman getting on board on. He would. On that, I reckon.

Because the massacre, he would just say it was an administrative error. Wouldn't he that massacre? It was just, it was a typo that someone made. But wouldn't you get Peter Brock to front the deep and leech and dirty. Oh, Charles. It and center, maybe. Don't you go saying things about Brock? Schumacher?

Don't you do that? Sorry. No, stop the list. Wait, no good. Lose your voice again. Look, I was seeing, I took a bit of a different turn because I thought, well, what could North Korea host. Great question.

And I was thinking, why not do a TEDx event there? TEDx Pyongyang. How would that work, Charles? Well, I think, you know, there would be lots of whip-smart speeches about how great Kim Jong-un is in it. Isn't that the only thing you're allowed to talk about? Every subject. That's a great idea.

We have five days. And every single talk is about how wonderful Kim Jong is. With an interesting pivot to a new facet of it. Because I was wondering also about Pyongyang, what can they? do in North Korea. And what I was imagining, you know those hot dog eating contest they have it at Coney Island? Oh, yeah. Well, the first, you could do it with actual dog, which is, you know, not unheard of.

Yeah, yeah. But the real, you do it with weevils and sawdust. That's to the North Korean diet. They've got plenty of money for missiles, but not none for food. Yeah, I wonder how much, how many kilos of sawdust could you eat in the one sitting. That's probably all they'd serve at the TEDx. They do love basketball there, though. They do.

Dennis Rodman keeps visiting there and offering to play basketball every fortnight, isn't he? That's a good point. How has he not sponsored some tournament of... Surely he has. I think they should do a sort of North Korean style basketball, I reckon, where you launch the basketball as far as possible into the ocean while swearing to destroy America with it. Aggies from Red Microphones, we're part of the Acast Crater Network. Catch you tomorrow.

See, yeah.