The Chaser Report - We Officially Found The World's Dumbest Smart Device

Episode Date: March 25, 2025

Charles and Dom have found a LOT of ridiculous bluetooth and wifi enabled devices in their time doing Welcome To The Future. However today, not only have they found an item so dumb it literally breaks their brains, but one of them actually OWNS it.Watch OPTICS on ABC iview here:https://iview.abc.net.au/show/opticsCheck out more Chaser headlines here:https://www.instagram.com/chaserwar/?hl=enGive us money:https://chaser.com.au/support/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gatigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report with Dom and Charles, which is also an episode of our not quite as popular spin-off podcast, which is called, Charles. Welcome to the future. Future, future, future. In which we make sense of this connected yet disconnected world of ours, Charles. And today, have we got a story for everybody?

Yes. So I've had terrible troubles just in the last few days. Oh, really? Because I just have real troubles connecting my dishwasher to the Wi-Fi. Sure. I mean, I've had trouble with my dishwasher as well. It turned out I needed to clean the filter with all the disgusting food gets caught. And if you don't do that, the dishwasher doesn't actually wash, it turns out.

I once got a dishwasher service person in to show me that I wasn't pressing the on button on my new dishwash. So those are old-fashioned dishwasher problems, Charles. But in 2025, oh, my goodness, if your dishwasher doesn't connect to the cloud, wait, why would you connect the dishwasher to the cloud? We'll find out after this. So we're talking about the Bosch 500 series dishwasher. Right. And the whole point is, look, you don't have to connect it to the Wi-Fi, okay?

For shame, Charles. I know, I know. I mean, it sort of seems absurd, like, why wouldn't you connect? your dishwasher to the Wi-Fi. Like, every time I get a dishwasher, that's the first thing I do, is just like, well, you've got to connect it to the Wi-Fi. I mean, I've got a Bosch dishwasher at home that came with the property that I live in. It's not even on Bluetooth.

It has no way of connecting. So how do you know that it's ended? Does it fax you? That's right. It's got a little fax paper tree. Or a pager. It's so old-fashioned. It beeps.

Yeah. If you're not nearby, how would you know the dishwasher was finished? Which, of course, the moment it's finished, no matter what you're doing. You want to be notified, don't you? You might have left the house and gone to work. You definitely want to be interrupted with the news that the dishwasher has finished its cycle. What I like is our dryer, which unless you specifically tell it not to, it defaults to beep at the end of its cycle. So if you put your dryer on before you go to bed, at 2am or 1am or whatever, you get woken.

And it doesn't stop beeping. It just goes, oh, these guys, these guys. These guys haven't got the dry clothes out of the dryer yet. Why don't we just keep beeping for the next eight hours? You know, Charles, I think you may have slightly contradicted yourself there because it actually would be better if it was a phone notification you could silence than it beeping. That actually is a use case for Wi-Fi in a home appliance.

But this is not why you connect your dishwasher up to the Wi-Fi. The reason you do it is because, sure, you can put your dishwasher on and get it to clean dishes. But if you want to use any of the extra functions. Oh, hello. You know, the functions that you would have normally got by pressing the function button, right? Like, for example, a rinse cycle, which is just when you want to rinse your dishes but not actually clean them, you can't do that without an app anymore on the...

Oh, so the, I mean, dishwashers only have, what, I don't know, four or five different functions, most of which you never use. And you're saying that now there's no more buttons at all. It's got to be done via an app. Yes. But Charles, how hard is this app? to use. Well, this is the thing, right?

So, and we're referring to an article written by Jeff Geerling here, who is going through all the troubles that he said connect his Wi-Fi to the dishwasher. But I think the answer is, well, his main concern is that it'll just become obsolete. You know, like the Bosch will suddenly not have the app in five years. Oh, well, that's exactly what happened. Anything that requires an app, you can guarantee that that app will not work in something like five or six years. But my problem with an app is that, like, so you got the dishwasher there, you can just

press a button or open up your phone, open up the, like, just even that is just far too long. Why the fuck can't you just fucking press a fucking button? Like, it's like a Tesla where there's no fucking buttons anywhere. You've got to navigate a screen if you want to put the indicator on. You've got to go through a menu function just to fucking put the indicator on. It's just so fucking stupid. Why, why, like, I think we should just get rid of technology. I mean, I know this is a technology-focused podcast,

but I think it would be better if we just got rid of everything. It's quite funny because I was going to say, but I think it'll make you angry. There's an easy solution to that, Charles. An app. No, voice control. Just, just, just, just, all you need to do is, sir, sir, is so reliable. Hey, Siri, start the dishwasher on an easy, you know, on an eco cycle or something. something. And you don't quite know what it will do.

The one thing it won't do in the EcoCycle, yeah. So that's one option. But just to get onto the Tesla thing and all that, there is now a trend in cars because of that to have buttons back. I don't know whether you've seen this. And apparently the EU is going to insist that cars have buttons because not only a touchscreen's annoying, but they're actually quite dangerous. Like having a button where you know where it is and you press it without taking eyes off the road versus, oh, having to manipulate a giant iPad. I mean, it's pretty obvious, which is safer. Yeah, yeah.

I'm just surprised that they ever allowed the touchscreen, the Tesla touchscreen. Last time, I, like, I had to get my 13-year-old kid to show me how to use the Tesla because it was all on a screen. Like, I didn't know how to do the indicators. You know how the, do you have the software? I've got the, the Tesla's now have, um, some Tesla's now have, um, indicator buttons on the steering wheel. Oh, wow. And no one would ever want them. Because guess what happens when you,

when you drive around a corner, you twist the steering wheel, so the buttons are upside down. So unless you've got very advanced sort of 3D ability to manipulate objects in your head, you don't know which button to press anymore. Well, that's why they should be full self-drive. That's why they're full self-driving. I think that's the whole idea. They're making them so hard for humans to drive that humans no longer want to. But Charles, you haven't yet, we're sort of a little bit, we've gone off the track.

We've got to be distracted because you haven't yet explain why the fuck you'd connect a dishwasher to the web. No, to get the RINC cycle. But the answer to your question, your question was an app's pretty simple. How long would it possibly take to connect? Oh, yes. Yes. The app. And the answer is five minutes.

Five minutes. Yeah. You know where I work now? There used to be a system where my swipe card, I could swipe the gate. And I'd go, okay, this person's got parking access. Let them in to park. Now they got rid of that. There's an app now that does it.

Oh, yeah. That operates the gate, which is great. That's actually not bad. I go up to the gate. I log into the app. There's a button that says open the gate. In fact, there's multiple gates throughout the building is a big building. And there's a button for each of the gates.

The only slight problem is that about one in three times, the app forgets who I am. Yes. And I'm no longer logged in. So I have to sit there, typing in my username and my password. Yes. And then reauthorizing myself. And then there's a code that gets texted to make sure that I'm me. And so meanwhile, the kids.

who builds up behind me. Yes. And he's go, can't we just have a swipe card where I tap my fucking card and the gate opens and I can park? Yeah. No. Similarly,

like I keep on losing my password to my dishwasher. It's a real hassle. It's just sort of, oh God, I got to do it. You know, and then you get the kids involved. Does anyone know the password to the dishwasher?

And then you go, look it up on the air conditioner. Yeah. And in fact, and particularly because now, the fridge will know. Our friend, I won't say who it is because he,

probably still does it, but one of our friends aggressively used the word password for everything just so you could never forget what it was. And then now they've made it so you can't do that anymore. No, it's now got to be password one, two, three. Yeah. For fear that, you know, I don't know, Chinese hackers will log into your dishwasher. But actually, look, I'm underselling this whole dishwasher thing. I think I'm being a bit unfair and Bosch because it's not just rinse that you can unlock using the app. It's also machine care setting, which is the self-cleaning session. You self-cleans their fucking dishwasher. No one in the world does self-cleaning on a dishwasher.

Have you ever done a self-cleaning dishwasher? Only after I've clogged it with kind of food. I thought it would clean it rather than me having to get in there. Half load? Yeah. ECO. You're not allowed to get ECO. You can't get ECO?

And delay start are only available through the Home Connected. That's a Trump era thing. Eco is hidden away in the settings. Yeah. D-E-I load also. Yeah, it's banned completely. See, the other problem with this whole Bosch Dishroger is I caught it downloading pirated movies. Did you?

Yes. Oh, it's terrible. It just clogs your Wi-Fi, looking at dishwasher-related movies. I mean, you know, the other day it was watching... Oh, God. Where's this joke going? This is live comedy, people. He didn't know who's going to make this joke at the start of this conversation.

Come on, Charles. What movie did the dishwasher watch? I didn't know I was going to make this joke at the start of the sentence. It's so true. The Chaser Report, less news, less often. What movie would a dishwasher watch? You've got plate. I'm genuinely trying to think of a punchline for what movies would.

Oh, God. Casablanco? You know, Blanco, the brand. Yeah, I guess. No, okay. What about? Well, uh, no, um, no, that doesn't quite work. Um, I'm just trying to think, um, uh, uh, yeah, no, this, this is going.

This is terrible. Connect yourself to an app that lets you download a punchline. Okay, okay, okay, yeah. I'm just trying to find. Whenever we hit a snag in this podcast, we have to get a chap, jeep your tea. Um, okay, here we go. What would be a funny joke about a movie that a dishwasher would enjoy watching? Fun question.

I think a dishwasher might enjoy a movie that features water, cleaning, or transformation. How about finding Nemo? It has lots of underwater scenes, and it's a fun adventure. You know what, did it actually, for this Bosch dishwasher, it would be hackers, wouldn't it? Can you answer the same question, but with a terrible pun? Sure. How about the dishwasher diaries? It's a clean hit.

All right. So I'd never felt so smart. Yeah, I know, I've got nothing. Finding eco. Finding, um... A dishwasher called Wanda. There you go. I don't know.

Um, oh yeah, what about, um, uh... When you dish upon a star. I don't, fuck. When you wish, dish upon a star, yeah. Um, why are we, why have we, it's like we've reversed into this terrible conversation. Where's the exit to this thought? I still don't understand.

So, what you're saying is that the incredibly simple option set. on a dishwasher, has been taken off and there's fewer buttons and you've got to use an app. Does it cost more? This is my big question. Does it cost more for the Wi-Fi function? Well, it costs $400 more, but if you think about it, adding that functionality, like that's a bargain, really, because, you know, like, the resale value of a dishwasher that has Wi-Fi is going to be at least for, like, it's an investment.

It probably increase over time, don't you reckon? You know, because the thing, no, no, like, let's just, Dom, let's get seriously. This is a welcome to the future. Imagine the scenario, you're on vacation. Yeah. Right? You've gone out. You're spending two weeks.

Yeah, I'm by a pool in Thailand. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. And you go, oh my God. Did I not put the dishwasher on before I left? I've got to do it now, right? And then you suddenly can. Yeah.

Everything, your holiday's not ruined because you put the dishwasher order. Another scenario, you go out. It's late at night. You're thinking, I really want the dishwasher to start now. Okay, what about if... I'm a security conscious guy, right? Yeah. What if I'm out, I don't know, partying or something and some nefarious character breaks into my house.

Yes. And decides to run the dishwasher. I mean, it won't notify me when it starts the cycle. No. But in two and a half hours time, it'll notify me that someone pressed to go on the dishwasher. Yes. And the cycle's now finished. I could go back.

I could tell the police, hey, someone broke in my house two and a half hours ago. And they'd go, oh, right, that's the dishwasher bandit. No, no. Look, I think also, like, because the other thing is, you've got to realize this comes with the whole API, which allows you to pack in and, you know, like, you know, you could have the Bosch app, the official Bosch app, but you could also write your own app, and then it wouldn't just be about, oh, your dishwashing is ended. You could actually get it to update you all the way through. So every time, every time it gets to the next level of the cycle, like, say, you know,

it's started the rinse and then it's going to the main wash and it's releasing the detergent or something like that, you could get a little notification on your phone. You could, you know. Yeah, I mean, the point being that this guy, Jeff Gilling, wrote this article, realized he bothered to look into this enough to figure out that. someone has reverse engineered the dishwasher's protocol as they're going to connect to the rest of the smart home. So I could set it up, Charles, if I could be bothered so that when it finishes its cycle, it plays particular music around the house on my smart speakers.

It does a display on my smart lights, you know, special lights flash. And I don't know. It lets your fridge know. It unlocks the door to let anyone, it tells your fridge. There'd be no fucking point to doing any of that, but I could if I wanted to because it's a smart device. Which brings us to the real reason. Because we can't think of a single reason, right?

But there is one reason that we all know about what's actually going to happen here. Yeah. Which is, if there's an app. Yeah. That means you can have a subscription. Oh. And buy a subscription to your dishwasher. Oh, that's the whole.

That's the game, isn't it? All dishwashers work without subscription services, don't they? You don't have to have an ongoing micropayment each month. Very good point. Also, Charles, imagine all the data they could scrape Much as the dishwasher scrapes the food off our plates It could get data about, I don't know, what crap we eat or... Yes, so you get upsold.

It's like, oh, this person needs more crockery. Yeah. Or this person eats too much, I don't know, protein, let's sell them some fiber tablets. I guess the point that I'd make, really, at this stage in the podcast, Charles, is that we have established beyond any doubt that you don't need Wi-Fi in dishwashers. And we've done this with a conversation, which is, I think we can now say,

utterly unnecessary. Just as there was no need for this episode. We simply could have said, Wi-Fi and dishwashers is an incredibly stupid idea. I mean, even the fridge, even the smart fridge that somehow scans what you're out of or whatever, even that has a point.

This baffles me. It took us. I don't know, more than 15 minutes to get here. And we've established that we can't think of any good jokes about what movies a dishwasher would watch. And if you can think of any, email podcast at chaser.com. com. But yeah, Bosch, take that.

Your entire business is pointless. I just think good on them for trying, though. You got to... You wouldn't know. You wouldn't know. Because we could hypothesise Charles that a Wi-Fi dishwasher would be incredibly fucking stupid. But until Bosch came out and designed one...

Yes, exactly. We weren't sure. We weren't entirely sure. Thank you for establishing that. Whereas a smart. microwave, Charles, it's on the, it's on the Wi-Fi. Would that have some upside? Well, can we put on the Wi-Fi, sorry?

A microwave. Oh, you're definitely. No, but you know that microwave get rid of your Wi-Fi signal. Like, every time we put our microwave on, our Wi-Fi cuts out in our house. Oh, take that dishwasher. So a Wi-Fi. Actually, that's what you want to do is tie the microwave. So that it stops it exactly what the dishwasher does.

Oh, imagine your dishwasher crashing. Oh, yeah. It would. I mean, can we just acknowledge that modern life is ridiculous and insane? Yeah, and that we should get rid of modern life. I think it's over. I think we've done this part of the timeline. We've got to go back to normal.

I'm going all the way back. Start again in like 1985. I'm washing up by hand. I'm not even using a regular dishwasher anymore just in case, just in case it has a hidden Wi-Fi transponder in it or something. I'm doing it all by hand now. Yep. Although I wouldn't mind a smart washing up brush that tells me

if I'm using the right amount of pressure. Like the Bluetooth toothbrush. We're part of the iconicless network. We're sorry. Not as sorry as boss should be.