The Chaser Report - We Sold Out To The Saudis!

Episode Date: June 8, 2023

It's not just the PGA Golf Championship merging with Saudi Arabia, we are too! Don't lose your head! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gatigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report with Dom and Charles and huge newsdom. Oh, look, we haven't previously been much good at doing business deals, Charles, but I'd like to say today we've absolutely smashed it. We've got a merger to announce an exciting merger that's going to really take this podcast to the next level. People might be wondering who have they merged with? Which other brand would want to associate themselves with the Chaser report? Well, there weren't many contenders, but we can announce today, Charles,

we've struck a deal with the Saudi-backed daily dismemberment podcast. It really does take the news apart. It's just, it's so incisive. They're real soulmates. Yes. And look, I know that some people would say that they do tend to murder their guests, especially when they're journalists. Yes, by dismemberment, which is what I think gave the podcast its name

now that I think more about it. That's an unfortunate thing that might have happened in the past. But we have been given $200 million US to merge with them, which I think outweighs the sort of moral conundrum here. Look, we may have said some things in the past about Dismemment Daily, Charles. Oh, yeah. Look, we did in Vogue 9-11 that time, I remember. We mentioned that Saudi's systemic finance of terrorism and human rights violations.

Yeah, well, we've got a clip of it here, I think. I'll tell you what, the worst podcast in the world is. What is it, Charles? The daily dismemberment podcast. Far from the Saudis, it's disgusting. They murder people. With bone sores. They hack their bodies apart.

Yes, it's on air. It's disgusting. You would never, ever have anything to do with that podcast. Never, ever. I'm on my dead dismembered body. No. Do anything to do with that podcast? least of all, Charles, we will never, ever merge with them.

They're a scum. Never. Over my kids' dead bodies. It is unfortunate what you had to do to your children to get the deal over the line, Charles. But I'm sure they understood in their dying moments. Look, PTSD and trauma is nowadays very treatable. It is very true. So, you know, I'm hoping that some of that $2 million will help me get through.

The other thing is they had such a bright vision for the future of the podcast. Basically, the podcast is having lots of more money. Yes. In return for, well, it's not sports washing. It's more pod washing their reputation. Using our reputation for integrity and for really not doing things to chase money. To make them look good. But it won't change our podcast.

No, no, it won't. It won't change our ethics and our integrity. Speaking of which, coming up on the show, we're going to talk about that hoax called climate change. Yeah. How good is oil, honestly? Oh, yeah. I mean, I get extra petrol from the bowser these days. I get twice as much as I need, pour some down the drain just to make sure we use more of it.

Also, have we talked about that amazing vision for the future that MBS has, the line, the building in the Saudi Desert, 160 kilometres long? That is such a good idea. It's a great idea. And any episodes we may previously have recorded about, how terrible. Well, they're gone. The concept of these, they've gone. They've been dismembered.

They really haven't they? The Chaser report. News you know you can't trust. There's an analogy here. Some might say, Charles, with what's happened with the PGA tour. That really showed us the light on this one. Just because you've previously condemned, let's say the live golf tour as sports washing by a murderous regime.

That's actually what the commissioner of the PGA tour said. Last year, he invoked 9-11. He actually got the 9-11. And families involved, PGA Commissioner, Jay Monaghan. And he rolled them out, try and just say, look, the PGA tour is all American. It's a good thing. It's got integrity. Unlike the Live Tour, which is a bunch of murderers and terrorists.

Yes. He's now merged the PGA tour with the Live Golf Tour. Well, the Zadids have essentially bought the PGA. No, pretty much. I mean, Charles, if you want to describe just putting a lot of money into something and essentially taking it over as buying, yeah, I suppose that's what's happened. but I like to think of it more as a meeting of minds. A merger of equals.

Yeah, they had a similar view of the PJ Tool giving lots of money from Saudi Arabia. That is similar view that paying hundreds of millions of dollars to their golfers was a good idea. Yeah, and was worth forgetting all the things that Saudi Arabia may have done in the past. But do you think there's an argument to say engagement with, you know, murderous regimes is a good way forward. That they actually, by sort of being in the same room, chatting with the South Arabia, They can say, hey, by the way, MBS, maybe murder a few less journalists now. Well, that's what I've always said, Charles. I mean, the analogy is kind of like this.

Would you rather have them outside the tent murdering in or inside the tent, murdering out? And I suppose if the bone saws are pointed in the other direction, you don't even need to look at it. And I mean, people like Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods turned down, Charles. Not always known for his ethics and integrity in all parts of his life. He turned down an offer potentially more than $700 million from the live tour. saying, and I'm quoting that an endless bit of money is not a way to create legacies. It's about more than that. And it turns out that an endless bit of money is an endless bit of money,

and that's quite a good thing. So all the golfers who are encouraged by the Pagio tour, like McElroy and so on, who condemn the live tour, they're now having to pivot and say, well, I guess we're going to work with the Saudis after all. But do you think maybe this is good for murdering? How could it not be? Yeah, like maybe we're looking at it from a very Western-centric perspective. Oh, yes.

Let's check our privilege here, Charles. Yes. Maybe if we sort of embodied our less privileged Saudi princes. Right, okay. I see where you go. And just saw things from their perspective. You know, in some ways, having bothersome, know, know-it-all, you know, people who who prying into your private business all the time,

in the form of journalists, is not something that, you know, should be encouraged by society. I just think there's such a chance for synergies between the PGA Tour and the Saudis. I think when they execute people with a sword in the public square as they do regularly, why not use a sharpened golf club instead of a sword?

Sort of cut shot. Yeah, cut, exactly, the cut shot. Why not? The next time they do, dismember a journalist, why not put the pieces in a golf bag and just carry them around and you could just wait that golf bag and put it in the bottom of the ocean and I want it to be the wiser. And instead of getting presumably fairly highly paid secret service people to carry those bags, you just get caddies. The caddies. Yeah. And a golf cart. They can actually have a lovely

little golf car that they use for body disposal going forward. And there's plenty of lakes to put the bodies into. Well, if you're building a golf course, it's a perfect, you're digging up all that's all that all anyway. Why not just have a mass graveyard for the opponents of the regime? And then all the golf players can just play over the body, yeah. Four. You could have a, you could have a bunker couldn't you with the corpses in it. It would be very hard to get the ball out of there, much harder than a sand trap. So, yeah, look, but I suppose we are now the official podcast with Dismemment Daily. So do they have many golf courses in Zeta? Wouldn't they all be just sand traps? Yeah, that's, the whole country's a sand trap. Charles, we've got to be very clear. We're not journalists. You and I, we've never been

journalists. No. We don't report facts. We certainly don't care about human rights. And none of my family members have ever been journalists either. No, me neither. There's been no journals and there's been certainly no finding a fact and no criticism. There's one thing, looking back on the Chase's record of all these years, Charles,

we've never criticised an incumbent government. We've just had respect to the dignity of the office, just as we do for all Saudi princes. There are a lot of them, I think. They're all very good at what they do, and they've got the right to be. You certainly wouldn't want to overthrow any Saudi governments and install a democracy. That would be a terrible idea. Yes, it would be a terrible

idea. Because women might vote then, wouldn't they? Or participate in public life in any way, which is not a thing in Saudi Arabia. In the same way, we've sort of merged with our Saudi counterpart podcast, do you think maybe our political systems should also merge? What a good idea. And then we could eliminate female suffrage as part of the raft of reforms. Yes. Which I think would greatly disadvantage the Labour Party, wouldn't it? Just think how wealthy Australia would be, though, if we did combine with the Saudis. I mean, we've got things that they would like, like space and grass.

We've obviously got a lot of desert as well, so that'd be comfortable. And I just think we'd have to suspend all rights and so on. Yes. And have basically a religious dictatorship. Well, the thing is, Victorians have already been living under Dan Andrews. Oh, they have. I mean, what is the difference for NBS and Dan Andrews really? No, exactly.

The Herald Sun actually thinks, I don't know. They say that Dan Andrews is worse than, well, you know what he did with the staircase. I mean, Mark McGowan's gone. Maybe Mark McGowan's gone because he knew the Saudi merger was coming. Yeah. And he thought, well, I don't, I'm not needed anymore. All we have to do is just turn a series of very blind eyes and just let the money roll on in. Yes.

What's going to happen to the PGA tour when Saudi Arabia stops having all that money from petrol, when electric cars take over. What do they do then? I suppose that's... But we've... Well... Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, there's Saudi money now. But in 50 years. Presumably, they will still be quite effective at murdering. Oh, yes. Of course. You're not going to get any worse at that. And so they might be a bit too scared. I mean, do you think, actually, that raises the question,

do you think maybe part of this negotiation was, you know, the head of the PGA went over to chat to the Saudis? Yeah. They opened up and showed him the bonesore, and suddenly it seemed like a much better idea to merge operations. Yeah, I'm just looking at both sides of politics, actually, condemn the deal, and the Democrats in the Congress have said they're going to very carefully every little bit of it.

In fact, Senator Chris Murphy, Democrat of Connecticut, wrote on Twitter, so weird, PJ officials were in my office just months ago talking about how the Saudi's human rights record should disqualify them from having a stake in a major American sport. I guess maybe their concerns weren't really about human rights. No, they weren't, were they? It's good to have that out in the open, I think. So, but hang on, you read that on the Saudi-owned Twitter.

Oh, yeah, that's right, they own Twitter now, don't they? Yeah, how is he allowed to write that on Twitter? That doesn't make any sense. Well, I'll have to sort that out. Yeah, I think. I mean, you know what they say? Just dismember one senator with bone sores and the rest will fall into line. The Chaser Report.

News a few days after it happens. Who next? Like golf has come under the Saudi fold. FIFA has also done lots of... Oh, there's lots. Yeah, there's lots of... I mean, they're quite late to the party with this. I mean, the sports washing.

Qatar did it first. An Abu Dhabi. Abu Dhabi with Manchester City. I mean, it's just... Qatar had the World Cup. Abu Dhabi bought Manchester City and bought the Premier League. My team Arsenal came second to it. A team which we know,

We actually know that they broke the financial rules in soccer and spent too much on them a salary. It just doesn't matter. They've just won the title even though they clearly bought it. It doesn't matter. So I think what we need, to have fair competition, we just need everything to be owned by different Middle Eastern countries. And that way, they would compete against each other.

So who should buy cricket? Why not Bahrain? Yes. Yeah, they often host cricket, don't they? And the UAE, they're probably already happy to... They probably already. Well, I think they're actually negotiated. The UAE is negotiated.

at the moment with the Indian League about... Oh, the IPL, yeah, that's right. About sort of buying a sort of six-week franchise. Yeah, so the Saudis, I think, would want to buy a cricket. So it's well underway. We don't have to help with that. Right, okay. They could buy, I mean, I think they should buy Hollywood.

Well, that would be a rounding error on their wealth. It would be a rounding error to buy Hollywood now. And it'd be nice because they'd make all the women cover up, wouldn't they? Can you imagine how popular movies would be if every, if every female cast member was just head-to-to-covered up at all times, just the Saudi way. Presumably they have their own domestically made film and television. I think with only men, it's basically like much of Australian television,

it's just just men. But also to make it much cheaper. It'll just seem like Channel 7. Sure, though. I'm just imagining in a Saudi-owned Hollywood, you could say you had Margot Robbie, no one would know, because she'd be covered up head-to-to-to-all. Much cheaper.

Much cheaper. Yes. You could get a man. under there like Shakespearean times. Oh, I like that. Because more jobs for men. More jobs for men, that's true. I mean, women have come so far in Hollywood.

They haven't got equal pay. No. But they're also stars. Yes. And the Saudis have put a stop to that if they bought Hollywood. I'm thinking a little bit more laterally here. Like, I think maybe they need to buy the renewables industry. Oh, I'm sure they're already trying to do that, aren't they?

Isn't that? Yeah, well, they're trying to buy solar panels from China and put it in the Sahara Desert. the moment. Yeah, we'll better look at that in the future. No, well, they should. I mean, what you would do a few of them is you'd use all your petro wealth to take over the renewables industry and then just shutter it.

And then shut it down. Shut it down. Do you think maybe they could buy Greta Tunberg? Oh, surely. I mean, I think, you know, like, you sort of go, oh, but Greta would never sell out. Well, they said that about the PGA tour. You know, suddenly, you know, $700 million. I don't know if I was Greta, I'd be thinking...

It'd be very hard to work out the crossover points, wouldn't it? With Greta Tunberg's approach, which is, you know, young women speaking out globally, not going to school, not following the rules. Yes. And being heard. The thing about Greta is that she speaks and people listen. Yes. Which is goes really against Saudi values.

I don't know where the crossover point is. But isn't it like she has a makeover? Oh. You know, like it's like one of those Hollywood movies where it's coming-of-age story. She was a climate activist from Switzerland. Sweden. They were a brutal government from Saudi Arabia. Greta goes perda. Oh no, Greta gets better, isn't it?

Oh my God. What a pity we can't make. Film comedy sketches anymore. That would be enormously fun. No, look, I mean, everyone has a prize, don't they? Even incredibly self-righteous yet correct Swedish teenagers. Yeah, I think that's right. What's your price, don't? Surprisingly, though.

I mean, I basically, minimum wage. No, no, don't say that. Say this is really high. That's for, how price is for it? This is a premium podcast. Yeah. I mean, you can buy this podcast for, what is it, $3.99 a month?

No, no, no, no, no. You've got to be thinking, like, you've got to say something like, I would never sell out for less than $200 million. I would never sell out to the Saudis. Didn't we already do that at the start of the podcast? Anyway, no, but me, if they wanted to buy me personally, it'd cost at least five figures. which is $500 and 0.0.0.00. I think I'm a little bit more expensive than that.

Yeah, okay. Fair enough. I had a friend who once said, never do anything illegal for less than $10 million. Which I thought it was a good ballpark. I think with inflation, that's more like 20 million now. Well, you mean, you made that TV series that people might want to check out. Mr. Firth goes to Washington. I mean, Mr. Firth goes. to Saudi Arabia and likes what he sees. I can see the same. I like that idea.

Mr. Firth goes on the harsh, I think it would be very good. Yes, that would be very cross-cultural. Makes a pilgrimage. Yes. Learns about a better way. And I think it would be very culturally sensitive. It would be extremely culturally sensitive. And I mean, I would personally very much enjoy the inevitable conclusion of your trip to

Saudi Arabia being your violentism. I think that would be quality television entertainment that I think I'm, I'm on board for. Probably win a Logie. Yeah, so look, we welcome our new Saudi partners slash financiers slash jailers. It's wonderful to have them on board. We really get a choice, but welcome.

Our gear is from Stanley Hacksaws. Stanley Hacksaws, yeah. When dismember, if you need a bone sore, make it a Stanley Bonesaw. And we are part of the Saudi State Podcasting Network. Catch you next time. If they let us. Thank you.