The Chaser Report - We Solved The MH370 Mystery

Episode Date: December 6, 2021

Scott's hot lap in Bathurst has landed him in hot water, so resident Bathurst Hero Gabbi Bolt defends her beloved hometown from the PM. Meanwhile Zander finds himself caught in the crossfire of an unlikely war-zone on one of Australia's most iconic landmarks. Plus Charles is back! Where did he go, and how long until he leaves again, and how many puns will he make before we mutiny against him? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report for Tuesday the 7th of December 2021. I'm Dom Knight. Hello, Gabby Bolt. Hello. And hello, I can't believe he's here. It's Charles Firth, ladies and gentlemen. That's right.

You can resubscribe to this podcast. I'm back. Gabi, can you just pinch him to make sure he's real? Not some sort of weird Zoom hologram. Hologram. He's really here. That's all him. That's right, a bit of a celebrity.

Flesh and bone. Just deigning to come to your shoddy little podcast. Oh, you... So the week away humbled him, then. Were you on TV on the weekend like Gabby? No, were you on the TV? Yeah, I was on SBS. Before all the tits came out.

That's the fifth highest rating TV broadcast. And I'm the fifth highest rating chaser member, so it works out well. Well, actually, I'm pretty... I think... I don't want to be awkward, but I think Gabby is now officially more famous than you, Chas. Ah, no! No.

Yeah, I think it's happened. It was inevitable. No, I don't have a Wikipedia page yet. Until then, we can't definitively rank fame. I think you'll find that if we set the task to the office, by the end of the day, you will have a Wikipedia page. You don't want the interns to write the... No, I do not.

Dear listener, if you're a Wikipedia, you know what to do. No. It's G.A. B, B.I. Yeah. Oh, Christ. Item one, considerably more famous than her colleague Charles Firk. On today's show, we're going to find out more from Charles about where on earth he's been. over the last little while?

I can't comment. And Scott Morrison went to Bathurst on the weekend and got booed. Gabby's hometown. Plus, we sent Zanat to investigate a very concerning security situation in one of Australia's most beloved landmarks. Ooh, all that right after Rebecca Day and Amino

in the Chase Newsroom. That's going to happen right after this. Racing enthusiast and part-time PM, Scott Morrison, has proudly boasted he now holds the new record for most emissions burned after a single hot lap at Bathurst. This monumental feat was achieved by practising drag racing with Jen and the girls in the backyard of the lodge during lockdown.

Sky News is making headway on their backlog of apologies after Peter Credlin apologised for comments made about the South Sudanese community over a year ago. This is promising news to everyone affected by Sky's comments on climate change, COVID, LGBT issues, race issues, African gangs, poor people, greens, voters, Dan Andrews, uni students, high school students, primary school students and preschool students, who are eagerly awaiting their apologies any day between now and 2023.

Police have reported there were no survivors after a local man attempted to clean his spoon underneath a running tap, despite attempts to lessen splashback by turning the spoon over. Community leaders are urging for calm after the incident, saying it is in no way representative of the majority of spoonwashers. That's the latest headlines from The Chaser Report. I'm Rebecca Deunamuno, and I eat all my Advent calendar chocolates on the first day. So Scott Morrison is officially in election mode.

He was at Bathurst, and not only was he at Bathurst, Gabby, your hometown, he went to Mount Panorama and did a lap with Scaifee at 230 kilometres per hour, which is the only time Scott Morrison has ever done anything quickly. Yeah, it's a shame he didn't. get the full Peter Brock treatment, to be honest. I know we can't use that, Lockland. No, that's good. You should totally use that.

No, I literally just wished a death threat on the Prime Minister. This thing where you say things that we have to cut out. I know, I'm sorry. And then asking it to be cut out. I just don't think Lockland should cut them out. No, definitely not. No, but you know what? He didn't have the full Bathurst experience because the truth is,

if you're going to have the full Bathurst experience, you stop at the top of Waluam at Panorama, and you get really, really drunk, and then you sit in your car for a bit. Oh, yeah? During the race. Oh, no, not during the race. Just any other day.

And not go over 60, because if you go over 60, you get booked. But did you see that he got booed by the crowd? Yeah, bloody proud of that one, I reckon. And I love it because I think he went there. Was it three years ago he went there? Just after he'd been made Prime Minister. And there's this photo of him standing with his thumbs up. Yep.

And the rest of the crowd are also wanting to get into the selfie with him. Yeah. And this time round, he's sort of peeking with the cup behind him, so you can't see anyone else in the background. Yep. I don't think anyone wanted to be seen. There was a big up yours. No, it's funny because it's like, it's like such a 50-50 voting town too.

What? Upper-class bogans and lower-class bogans? No, no. What, between liberals and nationals? 50-50, like conservative and leftist, I feel all the time. It's always very much on a nice edge. So it was quite funny to see a town full of what should have been support. is be like, oh.

There's some very good moments. He would look genuinely up stressed when he was going down very, very quickly. But he still ended up with a how good's Bathurst. And I've got to say, Gabby, I've got to ask you, is it fair to answer that question? You know what? He can't even ask it. Because I, as one of Bathurst's local heroes, I have to say, he doesn't know Bathurst. You just goes everywhere and says, how's, it's like when a band tours and they go,

How Good Sydney. They don't give a fuck about Sydney. I mean, I think if you don't do Lapis, you ever. been to Bathurst. I don't think Skomo, I don't give a shit about the supercars. Maynees. And they're seated mainies. Yeah. And got drive-thru and spewed in the... Drive-thru mackers and his ice cream, spewed in the seat bin. And, yeah, he hasn't experienced it.

So I love that, you know, we've been talking about Scott Morrison for the last three, four minutes. Meanwhile, Anthony Albanesey at the same time was launching serious policy about the future of our country, about the future of the world. world. Yeah. And yet we haven't talked it all about him because actually he's, you know, because Scott Morrison.

He went to Bathurst. He's better at being a politician in 2021. But hang on. I don't care about Alba because did you know that an echidna. That's my point. And Akidna walked across the track whilst Skomai was there. And you know what? That actually is that shit because I've never seen an echidna like in Bathurst.

I've seen them on the outskirts, like on the ways to mudgy and stuff. It's more likely a Roo. I think it's because the Akidna. heard that there were a lot of pricks around. I wanted to join him. I would imagine it would be quite awkward for Scott Morrison because it would look like a whole bunch of injection needles that he didn't order any time.

Family reunion. So who's going to win? Surely the guy who goes around Bathurst with Scafy, isn't that all we want for a PM? We don't care about the detail. It's just, is he made with Scaifey that's just... Sadly, that might actually get you a couple of votes in Bathurst, yeah. But three years ago, I would have said definitely.

But now everyone's sick of it. Everyone can see through it. They're booing him, Dom. I don't know, we've fallen into this trap before, maybe not for our country, but everyone was like, Trump will never get in. But it's got versus an easy in. But the thing that I love most is that wasn't it this exact government that ruined Holden and Ford manufacturing in Australia?

I mean, you could make that serious point, or you could just go, how could it's Bathurst? Yeah. Do we have to go to the Central West and find out? We do. Yes, we do. Because, no, because Orange and Bathurst have offered us the five-star experience. We've got to go.

What is the five-star experience? No, they're going to put you up at Ridges. Like, they're serious. Oh, ridges. Wow. Oh, shut up. Well, look, if I can get a lap with Scafi, I'm definitely going to come. You could probably get a lap with someone. Grand Daniel lives there.

I just want to see the Echidna. So what would have happened if Scaife had actually crashed the car with Skomo inside? We would have named a radio station after him. No, that's not fair. I don't wish death upon Scott Morrison. I just wish for him to be slightly injured and then have to go to the Bath Space Hospital and realize how underfunded it is because of his policies. You know what he would have had to do?

Go to Orange. Got a better hospital. Not this again. Is it a five-star hospital in Orange? I mean, I have no idea. Are hospitals starred? Look, they've got Artisanal Organic Wine at the hospital. That's all I know.

The Chaser Report. News You Can't Trust. So Charles and Gabby, do you know how much the NSW government spends in a year to keep seagulls away from the Opera House? $12. A year? $12? It's like, what, one cent a gull?

One dollar a month. What, fuck. I reckon it's, like, an exorbitant amount. I reckon it's like 12 million. And they'll say it's for seagulls, but it's actually for, like, funding their own swimming pools and shit. It is just shy of $190,000 a year. So upsetting. But wait a minute, is that just one person?

Is that like executive pigeon remover job? What is this dog? It's actually dog handlers. They've got a couple of them. The other dogs. Sweet Hope and Pepper and a few other poachers. And they patrol up and down and chase away all the seagulls. That's what they do.

Are they good boys? Like are they by themselves? And they patrol by themselves? Good dogs? It's quite a lot of money, isn't it? Yeah. Well, no, I can understand it for dogs, though. And do they, what, eat the pigeons?

They give a command and they run, jump up on the wall and bark at the seagulls, and the seagulls fly away. It's basically just bark on demand. I think that's very unpleasant. You know what, though? You guys do not pay me enough and if they want me to do that, I'll happily do it for $170,000. Seems like a pretty decent deal, doesn't it? Well, look, to find out exactly how this goes down, we cross down to the Sydney Opera House where Zanda is on the scene.

Hello, hello, hello. What's going on? Can you see any Seagull dog action? Yes, Dom, I'm live here at the Opera House and what could be described as Australia's Zero Dark 30 is underway. It's quite intense here. The vibe on the ground is quite fearful. They're a canine unit just patrolling up and down.

There is a constant avian threat to both the tourist, the security guards here, and the local populace of Sydney. So, Zanda, why are people scared of pigeons? They're not pigeons, they're seagulls. Or seagull, whatever they're called. From my understanding, Charles, is that people are spending upwards of $100 a meal here, which is just extravagant amounts of money, and the seagulls are coming in and stealing the chip. So they're stealing the locals of resources, and they're making a bid to... to disrupt the peace.

Isn't this a bit much? Like, why are we hearing sirens? Are they say gunshots in the background? Yes, they've been exterminating the seagulls by force. My gosh. Because, you know, there's only so many seagulls the dogs can take it once. So, wait a minute, is it the dogs are using the guns or the handers? Look, maybe if the dogs are using the guns, that's why it's so expensive.

Scooby-Doo is suddenly a very different movie. That's the advantage of the sails, is that due to the curve of virtue of them. You can sit on top and you can see all the sea-gulls. They've just mounted machine guns on the top of each sail And they've got, you know, like a beagle attached to it And it's just Gatling gunting all the... How is it only gunning the gulls and not the dogs? Yeah, if you just hear that there, that's the Gatling gun going off again

And he's just, he's just annihilated, what a good boy. He's just annihilated some more seagulls. Is that an opera singer I can hear in the background? Yeah, the dogs, obviously the dogs can get a bit stressed when they're committing this much motive, so they've gotten the Australian hotbed fire out here to ease the dog's nerves while they're committing such. I wouldn't say war crimes because I think all fair in love for the war. No, that's fair.

They're poor crimes, aren't they? Yes. And do the seagulls fight back at all? Like, is there... Have they got little bird guns? Is there some aerial bombardment going on? An insurgency? The advantage with seagulls are is that there's just that many of them that they just

all fly at a dog at once and then try to risk. it apart like it's a grilled fish and chips. Right, okay. So, Zand, as far as you can tell at this point, are the Seagull terrorists winning, or are the brave boys and girls of the K-9 squad on top? Well, since it is brunch time right now, it is probably the most intense battle hour of the day,

and I think the dogs are just edging it out, but how long they can afford to keep up this assault, I'm not sure, because the Seagulls keep coming, and there's no end in time. But it does sound like a bitch of a job. Oh. Oh, Zadda, can you just go and find out who's a good boy? I'll find out if there's a good boy.

The Chaser Report. More news. Less often. Just before we go, Charles is back. Where have you been? Well, actually, I'm too mysterious. Sorry. And I'd like to also deny that I was on tour with the war on 2021,

which there's still some seats available in Penrith on Wednesday and N more on Thursday. So if you're in Sydney, you can still buy tickets to the show. Comp only, surely. Like, I'll come if you give me a free ticket. Well, anyway, point is. So, but I wasn't doing that.

What I was actually doing was, was I was looking into the mysterious disappearance of MH370. Oh, really? Yes. Oh, so you're saying this whole tool you've been doing is actually just sort of a very clever cover for your real mission? It's to put everyone off the same. send, just like the pilot put people off the scent, according to a new theory released by

a New Zealander. So what happens, Richard Godfrey has done all the work and looked at all the pieces of the puzzle in this, you know, amazing disappearance of this A3. An entire plane that you wouldn't think could just disappear, yeah, you did. And what he is saying is that it was a politically motivated hostage-taking situation that the pilot actually took the entire plane hostage as a protest against the jailing of former Prime Minister of Malaysia, Inuit Ibrahim, which happened just the day before. Oh, right.

Although this Richard guy, he acknowledges that he has no evidence for this theory. Well, that's what you're getting. And that it is speculation. He has a compelling case, which is that for 22 minutes, the plane just went around and around in circles before heading off to the Great Southern Ocean. Like the Malaysian judicial system. Yeah, and his speculation is that Anwar Ibrahim

was on the phone to the pilot at that point trying to negotiate for him to sort of just let the hostages go. Right. It's a thing. And there's no evidence for this, but what an amazing theory. I'm sorry. So it was one day before. The event that precipitated this attack happened.

happened literally a day. So he had less than 24 hours to get this whole thing happening. Yeah. And it happened. And then... This is very strange. Yeah.

So there you go. I've sold. That's case closed as far as I'm concerned. I just feel like this conversation went around around its circles and then rapidly accelerated into the ocean. Is that the MH370 of podcast? So where is it now? I wish I'd go missing.

Oh, no. I was going to say how much we... I was going to say how much we... I was going to say. much we'd miss you, Charles, but I'm not sure that's true. Maybe we should just let him go back to whatever it is he's not doing. Okay, well, I'm going to go and do my live tour. I mean, more research on the MH370.

Thanks, Charles. I have a theory that their show will remain half sold. I have a theory that our gear is from road microphones and that we are part of the A-cast creating it. No, you're just talking crazy. It's just no, you never left it. Look, if you are going to Charles's life, So travel there on Malaysian Airlines.

Yeah, and heckle him because I just think that would be funny. And give Malaysia Airlines a five-star review.