The Chaser Report - We Were Hacked by Putin!

Episode Date: February 28, 2022

In breaking news, we were hacked by Russia! Charles brings you up to date on the latest news surrounding our website and the cyber attacks we faced. Meanwhile Aleksa is checking his Doomsday Clock now that things are turning nuclear. Plus the office tipping competition has caused devastating losses due to some false information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report for Tuesday the 1st of March. I'm Charles Firth and with me are Alexer Vullabitch. Hello. And welcome back Dom Knight. Hello, happy March. Yes, I'm here for autumn and the onset of things being cold and miserable. That's my season.

We had assumed you died. I'm still not convinced this isn't pre-recorded. It was a last minute, I'm at liberty to reveal now, it was a last minute undercover mission to try and avert war in Ukraine. Ah, and you failed. Wait, how did you go? Well, look, give me time, right? It hasn't gone well so far, but I like to think I put a few ideas in train over there

that will bear fruit. I mean, for instance, they didn't know how to make Molotov cocktails until I went there and just passed around some leaflets, and I think it's going to go well. Well, Zelensky is a comedian, and, you know, Maybe, you know, this underground network of comedians. Squirt Russian soldiers with water coming out of like a little bowtie. Yeah, and actually that whole fuck-off Russian warship, that was one of mine. Well, actually, as part of this whole Russia conflict, a bit of big news of the Chase of website, which is...

That's so rarely true. What happened? On Friday, at the height of all the conflict, we published an article calling Putin a fucking idiot. You know, a few hours later, our website went down. It was down for about four hours. Oh. We were hacked. We were hacked.

Can I applaud you for your bravery? I mean, just to call, without even any wit, just going, he's a fucking idiot. Thank goodness someone finally said it, eh? Yeah. It was possibly the least witty article, I think we've ever published. But it's how we were all feeling. That was just basically, I wanted to call him a fuckwood. I didn't have the guts to do it.

The chases stood a lot. in the world's media. But the funny thing is that the reason why the website crashed was not actually that we'd been hacked by Russia, but it appears that it became very quickly the most successful article we've ever had in the US. Oh, my God. Like our least witty, least funny article is just going, oh, you're fucking idiot. And America goes, oh, that's, that's searing, brilliant, political comedy.

Why didn't we think of that? Oh, my God. Have you heard about John Stewart from Sydney? Yeah, right. Yeah, we like to think that we've done our little bit in this sunflower. I've got a headline for today. Oh, yeah, yeah, go on. Zelensky is a fucking legend.

It's not satirical. But I reckon the US will go for it. You know, we can't run that sort of article, Dom. It'll just crash your website. The world's not popular. It's too searing. Coming up on the show, we are talking about nuclear war. Because we're getting very close to that.

And Lachlan's going to come in because we had a bit of a bet in our workplace. And, well, he's just going to update you on whether everyone won or everyone lost a lot of money. Can I just ask us, where Gabby? Is she in a bunker because of the nuclear war? Gabby's at the Adelaide Fringe Festival. If you're in Adelaide... She is in a bunker. Pretty much the same thing, yeah.

Who's going to bomb that place? Yeah, no, exactly. She's gone to ground. hiding in plain sight. Okay, that's all coming up. But first of all, let's go to Rebecca Dana Minow in the Chaser Newsroom. The world has taken a wistful look back to a month ago when the worst problem it was facing

was a deadly killer virus instead of a nuclear war. The change in global attention has resulted in social media experts around the globe, transitioning from their work as self-declared virology experts to embrace new identities as experts on international geopolitical conflict. Josh Frydenberg has announced he is launching his own GoFundMe campaign in order to get the budget back into a surplus. Inspired by Dutton's decision to crowd fund emergency flood relief, Frydenberg hopes he can raise enough money to earn back the $60 billion he lost

at the small cost of $7.5 grand per Australian household. Peacekeeper and altruist Vladimir Putin has been horrified to learn the identity of the person behind ordering the attacks on Ukraine was none other than Vladimir Putin. Putin has since demanded justice and condemned Putin's actions, stating that if Putin doesn't put an end to his terror,

Putin would have no other option than to shirt front him. That's the latest headlines from the Chaser Newsroom. I'm Rebecca de Junamuno. And you can donate to my GoFundMe at GoFundMe.com slash soft serves for chaser interns. So Alexer, the world is now on the brink of nuclear war. Yeah, yeah, it's terrifying. I've been watching Preppers recently and all these other shows. They're not as funny anymore.

I feel like these are very clever people and I've been missing out for years. Yeah, no, it's freaky. It started yesterday. The thing I thought would never happen because we've been sanctioning Russia for their aggression. in Ukraine. And I always thought the reserve bank was kind of off limits. It's this kind of tradition internationally that, you know, they're kind of autonomous from the nation.

But we went and sanction the reserve bank, which is $630 billion of, like, I guess, stockpile that the Russians had for a rainy day. And now they don't get it, which... Well, so they've taken all of Russia's reserve, they've frozen all of Russia's reserves. Yeah. So usually, like, yeah, reserves are held in foreign currencies, which means... means a lot of powers actually have this leeway, but it's never used. Like, it's never been done before for a nuclear-armed country.

Yeah, very, very tough stuff we're doing. How does banking take us to nuclear war? Because it doesn't, it sounds inconvenient, right? Like, when banks are closed, it's not the brink of disaster. It's just, okay, your pay runs a little bit late. A few billion dollars are held up in your overseas funds. Like, how do we get from that to we're about to launch nuclear missiles? We've got, what's he called, Sonny Kapoor?

The finance minister in the Nordic Institute of Finance said freezing central bank assets is a nuclear bomb in the world of finance. That's a big disclaimer. Can I just say? In the world of finance. Like this was a really great party in the world of finance. So wait a minute. Is Putin threatening the world with metaphorical nuclear bombs? Is there what's going on here?

Well, I'll do the nuclear bomb in the world of Kanya. and relations now. So Putin responded with this really fucked up speech. He just said their nukes are going to be in a special mode of combat duty, which, I mean, sounds terrifying. Essentially, I did a bit of research. It turns out in peacetime, these things can't actually fire. There's like the circuits kind of broken.

Oh. Yeah. And so what he's done is made it so they can. So like essentially they're on alert for something to have. happen and then nukes can be sent out. It's taken out all the circuit breakers. Yeah. So, like, so I mean, at the moment it's still...

He's turned off the safeties. Yeah, of the guns, yeah. There was a kill switch that disabled the other kill switch. Exactly. And so I was like, looking at up, and Princeton University did this, like, nuclear war simulation. It turns out everyone dies, like unquestionably. We're all gone.

And so, I don't know, it's completely terrifying. But is that true of Australia? Yeah, like, apparently, yeah, I don't know. Like, you see the way in which it spreads. I don't know. But wouldn't they just bomb Pine Gap? Like, I've always thought, well, you know, nuclear war. It would be bad.

Like, everyone would die, except I don't see why you'd, you'd bomb Pine Gap. But then the rest of the place, you go, well, why would you waste? Well, you know, the only comment that Putin, I think, is it really, made about Australia. I think he might have been here for APEC and someone asked him, oh, how are you liking Australia, you know, whatever. His response quite famously was, I never think of Australia. Yeah, that's very reassuring.

It sounded super silly. I'm at the time, but I'm clear to that. Especially if you're like Gabby and you're in Adelaide. I just think there's just no possibility that that's going to come up on any map in terms of where someone should throw. But it's just a waste of a bomb. It's the city that no Australians think about in the country that Putin doesn't think about. I mean, I'm really annoyed because for all these decades,

I didn't enjoy the fact that the sort of firing pin wasn't in the weapons. I don't even know. I thought they were ready to go. I've been stressed about this for most of my life, right? I didn't have the few years of going, ah, well, they've been disabled. It's fine. It's not going to happen. But I'll tell you what, Alex and Charles, I think this is going to be okay because the war is

almost over. Oh. Oh, what? Haven't you heard yesterday? New South Wales treasurer and former guest on the show, Matt Keen, announced that New South Wales is divesting itself of $75 million in Russian assets. I think Putin can't go on. Without New South Wales on board.

Well, we all put up a fight to make it happen. I think we can thank each and every one of us for pressuring New South Wales into ending this once and for all. The Chaser Report. News you know you can't trust. So, Lachlan is in. Hello.

Lockland, you've got a bit of a complaint about the bet that we did on Friday. I mean, I always have complaints when I come on the podcast. I don't like to say anything positive when I'm here. Yeah, we started a work tipping comp, as you'd all be aware, on Friday, because it's not that, you know, we are big gamblers, any of us. But Charles comes into the office last Friday. and says, guys, I have a guaranteed bet for you all. That is completely untrue, look.

Well, yeah, I'm playing with the subtext there, but that's what you meant. It's only untrue insofar as directly after I deposit the money. He said, oh, you know what? I'm not too sure about this. But there was a good one-hour period where it was certain. Charles, could you tell everyone what you said was guaranteed information for us all? No, it was just that there were rumors. Guaranteed rooms.

Circling around on Thursday night, Friday morning, that, you know, the war in Ukraine had just ramped up. It was all very hot. And that Scott Morrison would use the opportunity to call the snap election and focus the election on national security. And what it would have meant is that, you know, if he'd called it by Monday, which is the 28th of, February, he could have had the election on the 2nd of April and had the whole election

while the whole world was focused somewhere else on the Ukraine and sort of tout his national security credentials. So it was, and it was a rumor that sort of was going around the political classes. I'd had several conversations tonight before. So it wasn't, it wasn't just me who was telling you guys this bad. But I also did actually have the disclaimer. I'm sure I said to you, or maybe I didn't say to you. But I would have said to you, if you'd asked, that, you know, all the people I talk to have no idea. I don't have anyone in. I think, I think it's important that they did have no idea because for any governing bodies listening, it was not insider trading because we had no idea. Anyway, so, but you immediately, and I would say suspiciously fast, Loughlin, then looked it up on

sports bed or one of those ones. So, Charles, you had said, I bet any money that he calls it on Monday. Any money. You said that. You said I bet any money. And so I thought, well, how much money is there in it for us? I had a look on sports bet. The odds for a May election were $1.2.

Which is as low as it can. That is now a good bet. That is a guaranteed bet. The odds for a calling in April election were $12 odds. Which is good odds. Like, if he did, that is good odds. Do you not understand gambling? Do you know why they were $12?

Because it was incredibly unlikely. Well, there was probably one in a hundred chance that he would call the April election. So I reckon 12.1 is really good odds. I'm just sorry that I wasn't in on Friday because I've known Charles since we were both teenagers. And the word guarantee in Charles' birth vocabulary means something quite different. We've all been through this cycle where Charles had straight from the world. horse's mouth, insider information. It used to come from Sam Dastyari,

especially after a Thursday night when it's been a late night at the pub. Charles has very intense theories and to be fair, one of them lasts long enough to become the chaser. But, yeah, you don't. I mean, we all remember our first bed on something that Charles thought was.

Don't do another one. So you all went around the office, didn't you, and asked people for beds? We all put in, Alexa, do we tell? How much? Yeah, how much? Well, I put in more than I intended, right? Well, no, I wanted to put in $100, right?

I put $100 on it. But sports bet is, I guess, on top of it, and they didn't let us bet more than 50. So now I've got $50 just hung up in sports bet. Now I have to develop a gambling addiction because I have to use the rest of this money. They won't let me take it out. Oh, I see. So you put $100 on to sports bet, but then you could only bet $50 on it. And the worst part is we can't withdraw because I made the exact same mistake.

And I didn't listen to it. If he told me don't do that, you can't. And I was like, I'm sure I can. So we've both put on $50 for this April election, hoping we'd get a $600 payout to that. It's fine. I can get you your money back right now. I can get, I can fix this. You've got a bet.

Who is going to win the 2022 Australian federal election? Oh, look, I think, I actually think Morrison will probably win. I got both. If you put all your money on Labor, it's done. Okay. I was going to say the odds for greens are way better. $100. No, no, but the funny thing is, so maybe you were on to something anyway,

because when you started betting, the odds were 12 to 1, but by the time I got to it, and I must say I didn't actually, I couldn't work out how to log in, so I never actually put any money on it. But by the time I got there, the odds were 10 to 1, which suggests there's some smart money going on an April election. Or that no one's betting apart from that your three, Workers. Well, no, this is my theory.

You were enough to move the market. So you moved the market? No, this is my theory, Alexa. He's conned us. Because, as I said before, the odds for an May election were $1.2. They're now $1.10. Oh, wow. Charles never placed a bet.

The interns all put $50 on each. So this manipulative mastermind has got about to put the odds on the May election to increase his own odds. That is a great idea. I'm going to put $10,000. $1,000 on the end immediately. Our gears from road microphones, so we're part of the ACUSC creator network, and our gambling habits are brought to you by Charles.

Yeah.