The Chaser Report - Welcome Alan Jones | Craig Reucassel | Alan Jones*

Episode Date: November 4, 2021

The Chaser Report is graced by airwave and shock-jock royalty as Alan Jones (definitely not Dan Ilic) joins the team to discuss his departure from Sky News. Meanwhile Craig discusses Morrison’s media tactics at Glasgow and the absolute stupidity of carbon capture technology. Plus Aleksa deep dives into the world of NFT’s. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This episode of The Chaser Report is sponsored by Love. Fun fact, Love was invented by the Romans to sell Valentine's Day cards, chocolate and edible underwear. Wow. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello, I'm Welcome to The Chaser Report for Friday the 5th November, 2021. I'm Dom Knight. Hello, Gabby Bolt. Hello, Dom Knight.

I like this full naming system. Yes, now look, Charles Firth, I think it's fair to say, Gabi, he hasn't been working out. The writing's been on the wall for a while, so Charles is out. No, it's just that he saw an opening at Sky News recently, so he's jetted off. Yes, so he's hosting a nightly program over there. He's gotten conservative enough in his old age and rantey enough to work there. But the good news is, we are instead joined by Broadcasting Legend, Mr. Alan Jones. Alan, welcome to the Chaser Report.

Oh, good to be with you. It's a thrill to be part of the chaser boys. I've always loved the chaser boys. Chris, Craig, Julian, Chas, Andrew. Oh, what a voice. Oh, God. He's the Anthony Collier, isn't he, of the chaser? Oh, Andrew is deadly.

The Anthony Collier of the chaser. Oh, such a darling little voice. Oh, God. And what an honour for us, Alan, that you were available to co-host at last, that you've got some time on your hands to instead present with us. I've cleared my schedule to make. sure I can present with you. I think you are the most important voice in podcasting in Australia. Fair and balanced. That's why I'm with you. What exactly happened with Sky?

Because narratives, they're telling one story, you're telling another. Look, I'm letting you know that I decided to leave on my own behalf. I'm residing from Sky News to spend more time with my alternative reality message board. I've got quite the following. Oh, what's it called, Alan? It's called Cuellon. I've got 150,000 boomers who all think Robert Menzies is still the Prime Minister. Oh, God. And climate change is all a hoax perpetrated by the Blue Wiggle.

Oh, God, it's really good fun. So, news say, Alan, that you were given an offer, but rather than being four nights a week on TV, you were having a weekly gig on a streaming service that hasn't even been launched yet. I can't believe you said, no, that kind offer. I would never join a streaming service. Oh, God.

It's only broadcast or bus for me. This is broadcasting, right? No comment. Sure. If you say it is, Alan. So you made a claim about the ratings. The other thing that confuses me is that you said you were top rating at 8pm. Does that mean top rating except for the things people actually watch like broadcast television?

Look, ratings come and go, much like polls on polling day. You know, sure, the ratings haven't been too crash hot, but I've been in hospital. You know, they say you should never take a holiday. in show business in case in a bed, it takes your place, Tom. Well, I didn't get a holiday. I was in hospital for a very long time. I had some surgery in my leg.

I was leaning too far to the left. How's your leg doing now? It's fine. I'm all bang up. I'm swung back over to the right. Oh, God, where it should be. Well, Alan, you've won a lot of awards in your time, at commercial radio awards and so on.

Are you pleased to be joining a podcast such as this that's nominated for the Australian podcast awards? Oh, yes. Congratulations. I hear you do have a nomination for the Australian podcast Awards for comedy. Now, I was just wondering, could we possibly change categories? What are you thinking, Alan? Is there a category for, like, best podcast to Insider Race Ride?

I think that could be a real growth category. We can put in a request. Can we just check whether you're a good fit before we go too much further with this? Maybe give us some news headlines, just, you know, REC has been doing them. Maybe you could audition for that role. Okay, here we go. Here's the news headlines with Alan Jones, me.

If Anthony Albanese wants Australia to take more action on climate change, well, why isn't he limiting the amount of hot air coming out of his mouth? And in order to restore the balance to the ABC, they've hired me to host a new version of an old favorite, Q and Alan. Okay. What do you think of that? I think, um, look, Alan, I'm glad. Glad you're available.

We'll get back to you later in the podcast, if that's all right. Yeah. On today's podcast, Craig Rucastal. It's going to take a look at the climate debate over in Glasgow. And Alexa's going to delve into the world of NFTs. What could possibly go wrong? Plus another yarn from Charles Firth. We call it fiction or Firthy.

But all of that, after this with Rebecca Daniel Muno in the Chaser Newsroom. Disgraced former radio host, turned disgraced former TV host, Alan Jones, has begun preparations for his final appearance on Sky News after the network decided not to renew his contract following low ratings. Reportedly, Jones plans to spend his final episode with one final rant on lazy, unemployed people like himself. After facing criticism for his handling of the French situation, Scott Morrison has avoided blame by stating that international diplomacy

is actually the responsibility of the state. In response to this, all state premiers proved their innocence by leaking their private text conversations with Scott to the public. Seven News have apologised for inaccurately identifying an Indigenous man as the kidnapper of Cleo Smith. The network admitted the mistake was a clerical error, as they actually intended to report the abduction was carried out by three black football players. That's the latest headlines from the news. The Chaser Report. I'm Rebecca Dayunamuno and Fuck Channel 7. It's not often that anyone from The Chasers actually knows something about anything, but in recent years, Craig has become someone who knows a bit about the environment

and does shows and stuff and talks about it. So let's actually have a chat with him in the degree of seriousness about what's going on in Glasgow. Yes, I don't actually know. I'm not actually big on the international conferences generally, but, you know, there's been a couple of interesting things have come out of it. Firstly, on an entirely non-environmental basis, you know, there's always the thing about every time Donald Trump would make a mistake, you know, there was certain analysis

who's like, oh, he's a genius, he's playing four-dimensional chess, he's done this intentionally. Strategic, yeah, strategic. Do you think that Scott Morrison just, like, totally fucked up the whole relationship with France just as a way of distracting from his otherwise shit climate policy?

Oh, I see, yeah, because it would overshadow. Because it was like no one talked about his political almost at all. As a matter of fact, no one even went and saw him to his speech. Did you say that?

Yes. That was quite... I actually almost felt sorry for him in a room full of nobody listening at all. Yes, yes, yes. I guess it was in a way

though, not having an audience meant it less embarrassing for him. Yeah. I suppose when you have nothing to say, then no one's going to turn up to hear you not say it. But it's just what's the entire coverage was kind of of the battle with France,

which come election time, no one is really voting on whether or not we have a good relationship with France. To Scott Morris, it's not 4D chess, but it's 4D checkers at least. Yeah, yeah, exactly, yeah. So, yeah, I don't know.

Was that his brilliant long-term plan? I think there's generally a mistake when someone does something that is obviously stupid, and you go, oh, it's strategic stupid. Like, it isn't his first road A or something up? You're all suggesting to me, Don, that what it is is that you can have multiple layers of incompetence that sometimes through your own incompetence pile up in such a way that at the same times,

those incompetences overlap. But that was Trump's strategy. Sorry to put some facts onto this fire. See, you notice, Gabby, that as soon as I start talking about incompetence, Charles became the expert in the room. Defensive? It's called failing upwards, isn't it? No, no, but the whole thing that came out in that Bob Woodward book recently was Steve Bannon

said to Donald Trump day one, just keep pouring shit out. It's the same thing you say to us in the industry. interns off as Charles. Yeah, it's called the Chaser Report. And the thing is that most of the things will create controversy and everyone will hate you for it. But if you just keep drudging up shit, some things will stick. And it's much better to sort of absorb all the oxygen than to let anyone else have

any oxygen. I think that is right. Yeah, quantity over quality. Yeah. I think that's right with Trump. I'm not sure it's right with Morrison. I think that he is that unique talent of trying to do a conclusion. get right.

Yes. He thought that the whole orcas thing was his great crowning moment. And also, and it is true that the times

that he has drifted up in the polls have been the times that he's been on holiday and nobody has seen him for a couple of weeks.

Literally, there is a correlation. It's amazing. His thing is always the quick fix that massively backfires. So like during the bush fires, oh, we're getting the army

in and then the rural fire services his head goes, that's a terrible idea. You didn't even talk to me about it. And like for one second, you can see him going, I've solved this on the master, and then it blows up. It's like, it's like the place is on fire. Now they're shooting artillery into it.

And then also, I mean, that happened multiple times with the vaccines as well. And now with this, it's leaking the text messages, he didn't go, oh, that'll teach Macron. And then within five seconds, like, it wasn't exactly, like, it was completely foreseeable that Macaron office would go, they've leaked the text messages. That's not okay. Yeah, for somebody who worked in marketing, I just, I don't, how did he pass?

But he failed in marketing. Yes, they sacked him. Sean Kelly's book, which we're talking about next week, he got sacked from four marketing jobs. Yeah. It's called Failing Upwards. Like each job he got sacked from and then he got a better job. I don't quite know how that happened. You don't?

You don't, look at your career. I reckon we pitch, you know how like there's that TV show, I reckon we do like life swap and we swap Craig with Scott and Scott can come work for our podcast because that pretty much is the definition of failing upwards and then Craig can work at Parliament and actually get some shit done that he was never able to do within the confines of the chaser. I feel like I feel like I've solved it. I don't know.

What's the Latin term for government by novelty oversawcern? check. Yeah, yeah. It's kind of like, like, oh, the current brother-minus is incompetent, and I'm like, hold my beer. I've known Craig for, what, 25-odd years, and that's not an absolute slam-dunker to do a better job. You certainly might have better press conferences, though. Yeah, well, the thing that actually has struck me at COP 26 is kind of amazing, and it's bizarre having just done the big deal of documentary years, which is all kind of about how, you know, close fossil fuel interests are to the government. But it's still

funny when you go and look at the Australian, you know, the Australian stand at COP26 as basically sponsored by Santos. And the only demonstration is Santos. It's just like, you know, a gas company. And it's about their carbon capture and storage. You just go, this is extreme even for what you kind of expect. It's like a parody that you'd actually have, you know, yeah, private companies just basically being the government. Yeah, but also private companies in the very thing, like, this is a conference, right? I don't know if this has gotten through it or a lot of it's right. This is a conference kind of about. getting rid of fossil fuels so you can imagine going in there and going okay who should we have

let me look at Australia let's look at all the things we've got here who should we take with us and so people we're going to put at the front of that what about that fossil fuel company there and it's extraordinary and you know the whole thing is they're going to do carbon capture and storage which I can rant about at some point in great detail but isn't that part of the strategy is to just so inflame everything and make it so extra like just literally go in and troll everyone by having your fossil fuel company sponsoring you that it creates divisions and everyone just takes aside because it's all so nasty. I don't know.

I think they're actually like they're trying to, this is the ridiculous thing about it, is that we've been doing this in Australia for like now over 20 years is saying carbon capturing storage is going to save us, right? Yeah, and giving them green money too. Yeah, so Kevin Rudd, actually, Kevin Rudd's clean energy kind of fund we set up when he first came in, over $4 billion, over $2 billion of that went to clean coal and carbon capture and storage. And despite all this money going in, so much taxpayer money, we've only one, had one project

that's used it, which is Gorgon Gas, Rumbos Chevron and Exxon and Shell in Western Australia, which was meant to only, the best case scenario is going to take 40% of the greenhouse gas emissions that they create and bury them underground, has never hit that. It's got clugged up with sand, was three years late, totally bullshit. And now Exxon's saying, we're going to do it. And when we do it, the government will pay them for, like, emissions reduction through the emissions reduction fund. It will pay them for not creating the emissions.

So basically they create the emissions, and then they go, but we didn't create as many pay us for it. It's like, it's like the poo jogger getting paid to clean driveways. But they're not doing it properly. They're not doing a very good job of it. Clean 40% of it off. Yeah. I'll clean, I will shit on your driveway.

I'll clean 40% off and be paid for it for the less shit on your driveway. That is literally our current government policy. The Chaser Report is sponsored by Love. You can be all out of it, hopelessly in it or making it. Hell, I'm giving myself some right now, and I'm done. Hello, Alexa. Hi, hi, I've got some big news today, some big indecipherable. news.

Oh, yeah. So apparently the McDonald's McRibb is now an NFT. What? You guys know what these things are? Yeah, I know what a

McRiby is. That's like in part of my brain 90s, nostalgic shit food that I used to eat as a teenager. And an NFT is a weird thing from now

that I don't really understand. Aren't they called niftys? They're niftys. They're not NMT. I'm pretty sure it's an acronym. So an NFT is a non-fundible

token and a McRib is a non-edible food. Exactly. Well, I mean, if we want to get deeper into a MacRib is, this is what it actually is. Your petitions worked.

The McRib is back. The most important sandwich of the year. So good if David Attenborough to take time out of his day to voice that one. Isn't the point, though, that NFTs are sort of, they're like Bitcoin, but for images and things are there. That's how I understand it. It's bizarre. So remember the Nyan cat?

Yeah, the cat flying through the sky. Someone sold the original image of that, even though it's completely reproducible. You can just download it yourself. Someone owns the theoretical original version of that. It's so weird. So one sold recently, which is essentially, I mean, it's not Nian cat,

but it's a photo of a cat flying through space, very derivative. For $60 million. What? So how is a McRibb an NFT? Because a McRib is something you eat, it's not digital. Well, see, there's a big problem here, which is that every time they bring it back,

they've done it three or four times. I get really excited. I think, oh, I love the McRib, and then I try one, and they're shit. Yeah, they're horrible. They're really horrible. So it's the NFT, the same. You own it, and then whenever you open the file or something,

you go, oh, shit, it's not very good. The box is, yeah. It's literally, so what they're giving out is a picture of a McRib, and this is something that exists on Google Images, obviously. But then there's only one, person who owns the original version. Your authentic copy. Right.

Yeah. And how much is it solved for? Do we know? We don't know yet. I mean, if we're judging by any of the other NFTs out there, it's going to be $60 million. Hundreds of millions of dollars. Guys, wouldn't it be just awful? I mean, just terrible if we were to, I don't know, make an NFT out of an image of, I don't

know, say something that maybe we've used before in this company of, I don't know, just a certain Chris Kenny, fucking a dog. Great. Yes, I love the idea. I'm not, no, it'd be terrible, Dom. It'd be terrible. We should not do that. You're talking about Chris Kenny fucking a dog.

I was never in this conversation. That would sell familiar. And when we've created an NFT of it, and then somebody can own that image. No, we're not doing it. It'd be so awful. We'd make so much money. I'm already making it. No, that's a great idea.

Yeah, and we'd probably make more out of that than Chris Kenny got as a settlement from the ABC for us showing it on TV. Oh, that's very clever. But, I mean, like, even in the end of the day, if we don't make any money from it, we'll still be making an impact on the world. I mean, just to get an NFT out, you use a lot of energy and a lot of electricity.

So this 2018 study published in nature climate change found that Bitcoin emissions alone could raise the Earth's temperature by two degrees. So the more NFTs we put out there, the more we change our planet. So the same process of, like, cutting down the Amazon rainforest us to make McRibbs and selling an NFT of a McRibb.

They both destroy the planet in a different way. It's amazing. I mean, the end of the marketing campaign, oh, I'm sorry, where are we? So the end of the McRib NFT marketing campaign says, with the McRib NFT, you'll never again have to say goodbye to the sandwich you love. So, I mean, they're talking about a picture of a sandwich that, you know, exists on Google images for everyone to access throughout the year. I was going to say, like, a recipe or like, but it's not.

I mean, I just hope no one photoshopps a picture of anyone fucking rib. Getting on to that right now. The Chaser Report, news you can't trust. Fiction or Furtley. Welcome to another installment of Fiction or Furfi. This is the game where Charles Firth tells the story. And Gabby and Alex, I have to work out whether it is fiction completely made up or furphy, fundamentally true, but a bit exaggerated.

Gabby, are you ready? I never am. But yet I keep asking, Alexa, are you raring to go? Charles has been lying to me through my entire employment, so I'm ready for this. All right, it's time, Charles to crack one, tell one. Okay, so I've never told this story before. But when I was back at university, it must have been like 1996, so about 100 million years ago. We had this thing called university fees, right?

and we had hex and it was like $300 a semester to go to university. So it was very expensive. You can understand why we were aggrieved. When the university said, hang on, maybe we could actually start charging people like $300 a semester up front rather than it be hexable, right?

So you can understand. You know, it's a terrible time. Wow, that must be so hard for you. Yeah. I hope that you have. dealt with your sacrifices. Anyway, so they wanted to charge fees up front, which only, like, it's basically give degrees to dumb rich kids.

Anyway, so the point is, we really believed in this cause, and also there was a sort of girl down from Queensland who was a student activist and was all very pretty and who I wanted to impress at the time. Anyway, so it might have also had a little bit to do with that, that we went along to this protest, which was outside the room that they were going to make the decision to bring in up front feet. Oh, the University Senate. Yes, the University Senate.

That's right. And so, and it was in this sort of, I don't know whether you know Sydney Uni, but it's all sandstone and everything like that. It was literally a sort of plate glass window that we were protesting outside of, right? And so we're there. Craig and I are right at the front of the protest and then I break the window and it's like and we didn't mean to break the window it was just like ah oh god and then the crowd went crazy and it was like what are we going to do like we've broken the window this is way more radical

than we ever thought we'd be but then we just chipped away the glass and and I went in and then and the photographers were there and everything like that and and there's There's a photo. Like, I got a front page on the telegraph of me, you know, climbing in through this window. And the police grabbed me immediately. I got arrested and, yeah, and that was my... And we won. We won the thing.

They didn't bring in upfront fees that year. So, you know... They waited a year or two. I basically prevented the university system from becoming a profit machine for the universities. Oh, you're the one who saved us from that? I'd say amazing. Thank God. All right. I'm sure there's still $300 degrees today as well.

So what do we think? Fiction or Furthy, Alex? And what do you reckon? Well, look, I find it hard to believe. It kind of threw me when you started talking about the girl from Queensland. Just because of the fact that you were there with Craig Roocastle. And I just don't think you could ever entertain the idea that you'd have a shot with any girl while you're protesting with Craig. Yeah.

Ouch. So you think it's a fiction. All right. What do you think, Gabby? Well, unlike you, Alex. I am well versed in four episodes of Simon Taget's uni documentary series. But I will say, at no point did I see Charles at the protests in the protest episode. I saw everyone else, not you.

Well, you are both wrong because that was a complete furphy. I didn't make it up. It's a true, like essentially true. Few details that are changed. One is that actually it was Craig who heroically broke the window. Yeah, fair enough. But Charles went through, and I know because I was there. And also the other detail is that when I went in, I didn't, you know, heroically go,

stop the fees. The police immediately got me in this incredibly painful arm lock. And so all I said, the only words I got out was, I'll go peacefully. I'll go peacefully. And I talked to somebody who was in that meeting years later, and they said, yeah, you were, it was really humiliating for him. Alexi, you might notice that he didn't say he succeeded. With the girl. He just wanted to impress the girl.

True. Which is entirely true. Did you know? You know. No. Well, I mean, you know, like, we're not longer friends. No, every girl wants to hear those magic words. I'll go peacefully.

I'll go peacefully. You know? All right. This has been fiction or furfy. Furfy, unbelievable. This podcast is sponsored by love. Something that if you're in your 20s and listening to The Chaser Report, your parents clearly.

didn't give you enough of. Me too, man. Me too. Just before we go, it is with great regret that we have to announce the departure of Alan Jones from the Chaser Report podcast. And Alan, we offered you a spot

on the streaming service for next year, but you don't want it. Well, look, I just found another low-rating podcast I can go get a job with. I'm going to move to a rational fear. They've got a spot to me there. They're always one-up enough. Once a week.

They couldn't get Piers Morgan? It makes you tough. This voice is really hard to do. Have you got a Piers Morgan impression, Dan Illich? That might be a bit more relevant than Alan Jones going forward. Peers Morgan. Megan Markle, what a dirty woman. It's nice to see a method actor at work, I got to say.

That is quite uncanny and although probably more coherent than Piers Morgan. Thank you, Dan. You can catch Dan on the Irrational Fear podcast, which regrettably is also nominated for Best Comedy of the Australian Podcast Awards. Our gears from road microphones, we're part of the Acast to create a network. And do you think we'll get Charles back next week, Gabi? You think he'll be available?

Oh, no, I genuinely think he will take Alan Jones's job. He's not coming back. Can I ask for a Zander update too? I want to know how his, uh, his, his film festival stuff is going because I demand it uptake. We're going to do that next week once he's had a whole weekend of adventures. But apparently he made, he was only 20 seconds late for his second film last night. So he's kicking goals.

Thank you, Dan. And thanks everyone. We'll catch you next week.