The Chaser Report - We're All Doomed (But Not For 10 Years)

Episode Date: September 25, 2024

As humanity struggles to make peace amongst itself, perhaps what we need is a common enemy. Which is why, out of all the other news Charles and Dom could have talked about, today they have decided to discuss the incoming alien invasion. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gadigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report with Dom and Charles. Charles, you told me today that you have a fantastic conspiracy theory to share. Oh, it's not a conspiracy theory. Oh, really? No, no, no, it's fact. Well, it's a theory.

Right. But I'm pretty sure it's true. Okay. My threshold question for today's episode is, is it connected to the recent decision. by Israel to extend its war to a second front with Hezbollah in Lebanon. Is it in any way connected to that incredibly important piece of news that we have so far not addressed on the podcast? No.

All right, let's get on with it. Fantastic. Into the show. There's so much stuff we could be talking about. We could be talking about Anthony Albanesey's flirting with bringing negative gearing back, which may or may not lose in the next election. But let's not do that. We could talk about the US election, which does very well in our race.

ratings when that comes up. Talk about P. Diddy and the horrendous allegations against him and a cohort of other Hollywood celebrities. Now look, these things are very important. But you know what I haven't, I think I ever talked to you about Charles? Yes. I think I've never talked to you before on this podcast about the James Webb Space Telescope. Well, it's funny you should mention that, Dom, because do I have some news about the James

Webb? And in some ways, it's more important than any of the other stories that we've touched on. And just to be clear, the James Webb telescope is pointed away from Earth. Yes. So it cannot see anything happening in the Middle East. Is that right? No, exactly. Okay.

It's a little bit like the Western leaders when they're looking at the actions of Israel. They're looking elsewhere. They look elsewhere. All right. Let's look away. I think we can get into this reasonably safely after the break. When does fast grocery delivery through Instacart matter most? When your famous grainy mustard potato salad isn't so famous without the grainy mustard.

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So, I texted you this morning, Dom. You did. A report that showed that Congress may or may not have been briefed privately by NASA about stuff that they've found on the James Webb Telescope. No way. Okay, so I didn't read that because I didn't want to prepare to be daunted by your research. But I do know that the James Webb Space Telescope, just to reiterate, has fun. greater ability to sort of greater resolution ability to pick things up than ever before. We can see far further into the universe.

Yes. Than we could before. So is this the word aliens going to come up in this conversation? Well, it's worse than that, Dom. It's worse than that. It's worse than aliens? So let me just... Alien three?

Let me just start at the beginning. Okay, so you're right. Like, the James Webb telescope, you can see far further. Like, he can literally travel in time. You can literally go back to the beginning of the universe. using this thing. Republican Andre Carson from the House Intelligence Committee was asked, this is just a few days ago, on the 22nd of September, whether he had been briefed on the James Webb, the findings by James Webb, right? And the whole point is NASA is a publicly funded

government organization in the United States. It, by law, has to disclose all its findings within 24 hours of them being discovered. Really? Right? Yeah, so if it creates a video or a photo or something like that, it has to be publicly available within 24 hours. I assume that that same rule doesn't apply to any other U.S. organizations, like the CIA, Q's, or Area 51, with the NSA or anything else. Just NASA. There are two exceptions for public disclosure.

Okay. One is if it affects national security. So if NASA were to say send up a space satellite and they looked at Israel, and they realized that something terrible was going on there, they would be forced to not disclose that to the American public. And as we know, I mean, a national security exemption basically means whatever you want. Like, there's no point even having the law if there's a national security exemption. Yes.

Then the other thing is that if it affects the security of the planet, you're also, you don't have to disclose that, right? I said like literally the integrity Like if there's an asteroid coming from us from deep space Yes you don't have to say You don't have to immediately inform the population Because you know you don't want to create mass panic It's sort of like if there's a fire in a theatre

It's illegal to shout fire In case it creates messrs No I think I've misremembering that Yeah Wasn't that a law thing You're not allowed to shout fire in a burning theatre No that's that's basically it Yeah

Although I suppose you are aloud if it's burning that's my I can't remember how that I studied I think you can't I think you're not supposed to do that it's an exemption to free speech have you you've got a loud voice you want to try a yelling fire on a podcast

and see what happens fire fire all right yeah okay so the thing is what has happened is there's been a spade of TikToks in the last sort of 24 hours oh I should have known this would end up claiming that sources

deep inside the government have revealed to these TikTokers that there have in fact been a spate of government briefings, right, that NASA is given. They did a huge briefing in January about something. Really? And what it is, it's about a self-correcting object, right, headed towards Earth. So the point is, you know, there's lots of objects that are heading roughly towards Earth. Sure.

Right. But they all move predictably. Like they move in orbits. Yeah, like a comet or something. Yeah, because they're just affected. by gravity and lots of mathematically inclined physicists and astronomers. They can plot the course. They love plotting the course because it's like, oh wow, isn't this amazing?

Aren't I good at maths, right? This one is not showing that there's an object. It's about the size of a city. That's large. And apparently it's just every time it sort of is not quite heading directly towards Earth, it sort of corrects itself, it course corrects. And this has been going on for like, nine months.

Wow. That's quite... Charles, which is a more amusingly trivial way to find out about the imminent destruction of planet Earth? A, from TikTok, or B, from The Chaser Report. I don't know. Like, it's one of those things where...

And I actually wrote this in my new book, The Dictionary Terrible Ideas coming soon. Is it UF being a UFOologist is a terrible idea because... Yes. If you were right, no one would believe you because he was so incredibly unbelievable

and in fact the best way for aliens to keep their presence a secret would be to you know buzz low over ufologists and get them to video them because that way everyone would think that that couldn't possibly be

a UFO I'm wondering if it's the same thing if TikTok warnings of this city-sized thing coming for us yes is a way is part of this alien intelligence knowing that if it's on TikTok none of us will believe it

hide in plain sight yeah I love it It's brilliant. Well, the thing is, I don't think that the actual aliens are affecting TikTok yet because the way, because the closest, it's coming from the closest sort of plausible planet for life, which is apparently something like 4.6 light years away. 4.6 light years. Yeah.

Right. And so it's not, my understanding is, well, you can't travel faster than the speed of light. I would have thought not. And so you. So we've got about, at least. At least five years. It was saying 2034. It will arrive.

This is the information, you know, from unconfirmed sources deep within the government. I'm so glad we're talking about this instead of Israel. And this is. And let's just see how perfect this theory is, right? Which is nobody from Congress has confirmed that they've been briefed by Nessa, but no one has not confirmed that they've been briefed by Nassar. And I think that that's what. I think that suggests something.

I think, you know, like they've all been saying no comment to whether they've been briefed by NASA on this. Wow. But it's like when people say no comment about a leadership spill. And what they actually mean is it's on, right? Wow. So there's that. And then the other thing is it's going to arrive in 2034.

Okay. And because the way light travels, you can't really know much about it until you get much closer, right? Like they're not going to be able to sort of influence us, right? So what that means is we can just idly speculated about it from now till 2034. We've got a good 10 years of just worrying about it. Well, Charles, look, you've got to look at the bright side of that. Which is that that does suggest that there will at some point be an end to this podcast.

That it won't actually continue. I think that's probably reassuring. Yeah, that is. That for some reason we seem to keep doing it no matter what. We're up to 965 episodes today. So we'll get to a thousand, but we won't get to say 10,000. And I think that's actually probably for the good of humanity. The city-sized object crashing into it, less good for humanity.

No, no, this is not crashing in. The whole suggestion here is this is going to be, this is a controlled thing. They're coming for... A controlled detonation. It's a visit. It's correcting. It's city-sized. It's presumably there's a city of aliens on there,

and it could well be a very pleasant visit. Oh, they could be friendly. Yeah, it is. Because in the long history of colonisation, when a much more technologically superior force arrives in a new place, they're just always just tourists, aren't they? Well, I, for one, welcome our overlords. I hope they like podcasts.

Let's just think through more of the implications of this after a few quick messages from our soon-to-be obliterated sponsors. When does fast grocery delivery through Instacart matter most? When your famous grainy mustard potato salad isn't so famous without the grainy mustard. When the barbecues lit, but there's nothing to grill, when the in-laws decide that actually they will stay for dinner. Instacart has all your groceries covered this summer. So download the app and get delivery in as fast as 60 minutes.

Plus, enjoy $0 delivery fees on your first three orders. Service fees exclusions and terms apply. Instacart. groceries that over-deliver The Chaser Report Now with extra whispers Okay, so I mean the obvious connection

to what's in the news is this could mean an end to the Arab-Israeli conflict The peace in our time In the Middle East Either because Unless they just join as another A other combatant

Yeah right So I mean either this will mean that people It means Israel can launch a third front Against the aliens Oh, upwards. Yeah, yeah. So, I mean, on the one hand, you can imagine everyone going, hang on a sec, we should focus on our common humanity and realize that, you know, there's a threat beyond planet Earth.

And in fact, there's far more that we have in common than divides us. But when that obviously doesn't happen, then presumably, you know, if the obliteration scenario happens, that's where we go. I don't know, but do you think it could be peaceful? You seem very sort of skeptical about these things. Why else would they come here? Well, no, the reason to move anywhere, Dom, is because house prices are too high back home. Oh, so they could be refugees.

They're coming in search of lower house prices. Imagine what happens when they get... That would be so funny. To Australia. They're not going to come to Sydney. That's the perfect thing. This is the last place they'll come. They'll flock to Adelaide.

You know what would be really ironic is if they came here. And let's say they brought their whole civilization, all of the alien life forms of got on these spacecraft. It's an arc, right? They're escaping a dog of the planet. And they say, just, you know, just so you know, climate change is real. That's what happened to our planet. Our planet has been devastated by a changing climate. Yeah.

We still won't believe them. No. That's the, like the aliens could turn up with a giant banner. Yeah. Climate change is real. And we still go, fuck off. I don't want to change my way of life. Go back to where he came from, aliens.

But so does this make Peter Dutton's move to nuclear X? actually quite shrewd. You see what I mean? Nuclear weapons. Yeah. Like if they are, in fact, hostile, the world's going to need to gear up to, you know, fight the alien invasion. I don't want to cast aspersions on our military might, Charles.

But, I mean, point one, is it submarines aren't going to help us, are they? It's the wrong direction. But also, I reckon if they can design a spacecraft that can travel that distance in that period of time, self-correcting spacecraft. apparently, I don't know that our weapons are going to be much good against them. Wouldn't they know what we had? And also, the nuclear power won't be ready by 2030. That's true.

I mean, that's it. That's it. We could have coal-fired weapons. That'd be fantastic. Well, our elbows just to approve three thermal coal mines, isn't he? So there's plenty of, if we can find a way to fling lumps of coal at them, burning coal, that could be great. Yeah, I don't know what to make of this, Charles. I think we need a little clip from TikTok just to make it seem.

Oh yeah as plausible We'll play And note As you're listening to this Just how urgent this guy sounds Like it sounds plausible Partly because

You're really emotionally engaged with him The first story on TikTok By the way was P Didy that Charles found Right so what I said was Is that I would report on this When there is substantial amount of information To talk more about it

It turns out That the intelligence community Isn't very good at keeping secrets anymore Or at least everyone's just had enough of all the secrecy around this, and they just want the public to know, because leaks are coming out, left, right and centre on this now. Right, this is from a doctor John Brandenburg. Dear friends, it appears the James Webb Telescope has found strong evidence of life on an exoplanet. Reportedly, this may have led to a classified briefing to Congress. If so, this is a dramatic

step towards disclosure. Now, that's not the crazy part. The crazy part is, is that this same group that have discovered this have also discovered and I quote a massive object that is course correcting towards our towards earth I can't believe I've just said that out loud but I'm now starting to see it from credible sources that I've been using for the past 12 months there's a leak they have a leak that the JWST keeps finding these things and they keep having these classified briefings they are finding a lot of stuff with the JWST that they are not disclosing to the public now. Do you think that that was Daniel Knightley on TikTok, by the way.

I like that he says what the crazy part is. Do you think he's getting his information from this podcast? Do you think this is one of those circular self-reinforcing conspiracies? I think, God, the great thing about it is you can't be proven wrong until 2034. And the other great thing, just to that, you know, is that when you now search for James Webb Telescope on TikTok, what TikTok does is it actually summarizes. what your search has revealed, right? Oh, it course corrects.

And so it summarises as if it's fact. Oh. All this stuff about, you know, there is a alien spacecraft heading towards Earth. It doesn't actually, it doesn't fact check it at all. It just goes, it just summarises what people have been saying. Well, this is probably the defence child that will save humanity is that by the time they get close enough to get internet access and they turn on TikTok. Yeah. They won't want to visit you.

I guess all we can do is say farewell to you all, 10 years early. Yeah. Well, also, I'm going to be very pleased if it happens, because, like, called it first. That's true. You love calling it first. I reckon, look, send us any last request you've got. Yes. You know, we've got the last 10 years.

I don't mind. At least we know, a good 10 years. I've had a decent life. I'll beat you the Aztecs, wish they'd had 10 years before they knew Christopher Columbus was on as well. Absolutely. You know, absolutely. Podcast at chaser.com.com. You send your last request through.

We've got 10 years. We might actually get to those emails for once, hey? Yeah. Okay. We are part of the Iconicles Network. Catch you next time. See you. When does fast grocery delivery through Instacart matter most?

When your famous grainy mustard potato salad isn't so famous without the grainy mustard? When the barbecues lit, but there's nothing to grill. When the in-laws decide that. actually they will stay for dinner. Instacart has all your groceries covered this summer. So download the app and get delivery in as fast as 60 minutes. Plus, enjoy $0 delivery fees on your first three orders. Service fees exclusions and terms apply. Instacart, groceries that over-deliver.