The Chaser Report - We’re back!

Episode Date: May 23, 2021

The Chaser Report is unfortunately back for another year, with a new DAILY format. Make Dom Knight and Charles Firth part of your morning routine. Today we’re chatting about vaccine hesitancy, Eurovision, and Labor’s disastrous by-election loss, and Charles tells you how he got the Pfizer vaccine to improve his 5G reception. Plus Rebecca De Unamuno with all the latest Chaser headlines. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In times like these, it's important to know who you can trust. At last, a new source that's reliably reliable, informatively informational and never wrong. Unfortunately, you're not listening to it. Instead, you're listening to The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report. The podcast, that is 99.99% clot-free. But baby booms hate it anyway. I'm Dom Knight.

And I'm Charles Firth. It's Monday. the 24th of May, 2021. The day after Labor had a disastrous by-election loss in New South Wales, which opposition leader Anthony Albanesey dubbed a useful warm-up for their upcoming disastrous federal election loss. Oh, they're in great shape, aren't they? Welcome to our first show for 2021.

Yes, Charles, we are back, and we're going daily, dropping at 5 a.m. every single morning right after we finish recording it at 455 a.m. It is a terrible idea. In today's show, Australia is getting vaccines for Christmas. a look at the crime against humanity that was Eurovision 2021 and Craig drops in to make fun of Charles. But first, let's head to Rebecca Day and a minnow in the Chaser News headquarters.

The federal government has announced it will be making 2 million Pfizer announcements per week from October. The Prime Minister said that means every man, woman and child in Australia will receive their own vaccine announcement by the end of the year. A local genius has told friends he would rather risk disease with a 1% death rate than a vaccine with a 0.0017% death rate. Greg Datson told friends on social media that he wouldn't be risking any jab to his precious body

before embarking on a three-day bender and smoking three packs of cigarettes. Virgin Australia's CEO has doubled down on her remarks that some people may have to die in order for the economy to open up by introducing a frequent dire program for the airline's passengers. The airline boss denied she was copying Malaysia Airlines business model. That's the latest news for the Chaser Report. I'm Rebecca Deunamuno. None of the medical advice contained in the Chaser report should legally be considered medical advice.

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Groceries that over-deliver. The Chaser Report. Now, Charles, top story yesterday. The government announced two million Pfizer doses a week are going to be landing in Australia very, very soon, well, at least in October. Didn't they announce that

there was going to be 3 million people already injected by last March, and then that never happened? there's a lot of things that never happened. Does that mean that they must be a federal election before October? There's got to be what's actually going on here. Either that or it's early next year just as soon as everyone gets the jab. But they're not.

The one thing we know, Dom, is like if Scott Morrison has said that there's two million doses a week arriving in October, that's the one thing that is not true about the world. We know that for certain. The show are pretty perky, though, Charles, when they got their exclusive on this yesterday morning. The government is promising two million doses of the Pfizer vaccine every single week from October in a bid to speed up the flagging COVID-19 vaccine rollout.

They promised it, Don. They promised it. Yeah, I think that's the floor in the plan right there. And I do love the timing of this, which is, you know why Pfizer's got the capacity in October? Because every other country will already have had it by then. And it's at the end of our winter. So we will just have come out of the very high risk period. And by that stage, it probably won't be effective.

against any of the new evolutions of the virus. Yeah, it's like, do you want Windows 1.0? We've got a whole box. Well done, Greg Hunt. The next thing that their reporter said, acknowledge, shall we say, the elephant in the room? Our biggest issue here is vaccine hesitancy. A recent political survey

showed that 29% of respondents were not very likely or not likely at all to take the COVID-19 vaccine in the coming month. You know, I've got a theory about the vaccine hesitancy. I reckon the federal government is actually seeding that. I reckon that is their plan because they don't have any vaccine anyways. Yeah.

They want people to be hesitant about it so that they can blame people. Yeah. For not taking the vaccine rather than have a rush to the thing and go, oh, we don't actually have any. That's true. If there was vaccine demand, that would be a huge problem for them, wouldn't it? But look, I guess we need to try and help with the vaccine hesitancy. I mean, what can we do here to try and just brainstorm ways of changing people's minds?

Well, I mean, in other places, I think in Poland, don't they give you a beer? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, they give you a beer. You get free donuts. You get crispy cream donuts every single day in the States if you're vaccinated. Like, you can go back every day. Is that the insulin manufacturers wanting everyone to be diabetic? Yeah, yeah, so you've got your COVID jab and then you get heart failure.

Yeah, that's right. Well, I mean, what could we do, particularly with these burnies who don't want to take Astra? Out at Homebush, because I've got mine at Homebush last week, and the property developer across the road, was giving out free coffee. Nice. Yeah, not free houses, though. Maybe that's what we need. We need for, no, but it's baby boomers, isn't it?

So they've already got houses. Maybe the new rule should be that unless they get their jab, they can't get negative gearing. I like that. That's a very good idea. I'm worried about the vaccine. I don't know anyone who's had one. Despite what you hear in the media, the Australian federal government vaccine rollout

is on schedule and going according to plan. But hardly anyone's been vaccinated. yet. Actually, the rollout has already delivered over 25 million photo opportunities for Scott Morrison and a hundred million more due before the next election. I'm in my 20s. It'll be years before I'm eligible for the vaccine. If you're in your 20s, you can't get the jab, but you can still appear in plenty of photo opportunities. Is it safe? Rest assured, appearing in vaccine photo ops next to members of the federal cabinet is completely safe, unless you're a woman or a desk. No, I mean, is the vaccine safe? You don't need to worry about that.

It's not like you're going to be able to get your hands on a jab anyway. Oh. The Australian vaccine rollout. It's completely safe to assume that you won't be getting it any time soon. Authorised by the Australian federal government, I'm speaking very fast, and like the vaccine rollout. So, guys, I was chatting to an American friend the other day and asking them, you know, how things are going over there. You know, is everyone still dying? It seems to interesting you've had to outsource friends to America.

You run out in Australia. Yeah. And, no, but the whole point is that he was saying, no, like, everyone's not dying, because pretty much everyone he knows is vaccinated. And life is essentially back to normal. Yeah, yeah. They're vaccinated, plus all of the sick people have already died. Yeah, exactly, yeah.

So you're saying we should have taken the American approach. If we just purge everyone, I believe the virgin boss may have run this line already. That's true, actually. It works well for them. Anyway, so it struck me, I quite like the idea of getting vaccinated. Oh, yeah. Like, don't you think that would be... I know that it doesn't really exist in Australia,

but I thought, you know, why not try it? And, you know, I'm agnostic to which one I go for. Like, you know, there's advantages and disadvantages to both. You know, the Pfizer one is great. You know, that's the one with the Bill Gates chips in it. Yeah, that reprograms your cells. Yeah, but I've heard that you get really good 5G reception. Yeah, yeah.

if you take both courses of it. And then... We actually hang out with pedophiles, but that's a downside. Or you could do the AstraZeneca one. That's also great. You know, like, you get the blood clot thing. But that is extremely rare. And in fact, it's so rare that if you did get a blood clot,

you would almost definitely get nationwide coverage. You would be on the news. You would be famous. Yeah. So it's sort of like, you know... And as a fame haul that you are, I think you're really keen. I've had it. I've actually had the first dose of astro

Yeah, because I'm genuinely quite ill in all kinds of ways And but anyway, moving on from that And do you regret not getting a blood clot Well, I regret not knowing Because I actually did the riskiest thing I've done in years Because I didn't even know at the time Oh, because you got it so early So you got it before

They've got it almost Literally the second day that you could Who is the worst? Who is the worst health in Australia? Who's the unhealthiest person? Yeah, Tom. My GP was like, come on. All the 90-year-olds and 100-year-olds shoving.

No, quickly, get Dom in front. Dom is frailer than this 19-year-old. Move him in front. What about the disabled people? Dom, more disabled, too. It's strict medical need. But I had no idea it was so brave and bold, and that I was dicing with death.

I mean, I would have definitely milked it for some sort of sympathy somewhere. Well, no, and the point is that if you do actually die from the estrogenica, that means that you don't have to take your kids to Saturday morning sport, So it's also, there's a sort of win-win there. Frozen cons. Anyway, yeah, exactly. Anyway, so, so, but I was smart, right.

This seems unlikely, but go ahead. Because, like, I wasn't, you know, like, rushed to the front like you were on. But I was smart because, you know, you've got to hustle a bit to get the vaccine in Australia. You do. And I realised early on that the federal government was going to completely fuck it up, right? So that was the first. Precent. So what I did is I followed all the health.

ministers and all the, you know, public health bureaucrats from the states. Oh. Do you mean on the internet or do you mean you stalk them? So you've got a big vaccine warehouse. Yeah, you've got to stalk. No, on Twitter, I followed everyone that I could thinking there'll be a link at some point. They'll send out a link. Because the federal government's ads, there's just nowhere.

You just don't see any ads for vaccine at all. Anyway, nothing. Got absolutely, like, no one. has tweeted out a link to his the register of the thing instead did you get some good gags from them though about coronavirus yeah that's right oh brett sutton got some good picks actually but anyway so no instead the the person who sent out the link that actually got to the server that actually let me the whole thing was Alex Lee the comedian Alex Lee who you're now working with on win the week watch it soon on the ABC um so

So a couple of weeks ago, she tweeted out a link saying, oh, by the way, there's an extra, I don't know how she knew this, but there's an extra 32, like 320,000 vaccines just landed in Australia. Why don't you, if you follow this link, you can probably get one. This is how we're funding the show. We probably shouldn't tell, but what we do is. We've stolen some vaccines and we're selling them from the back of the car.

So it's Alex Lee's behind the mass vaccination centre at Homewood. Exactly. We were like, you're like your host of the show, but also there's some other stuff you have to do. Yeah, it's right. And if you have the vaccine, you get to win the pandemic. Yeah, that's right. So she sent out this thing. I did the survey, and I found out actually I am almost as decrepit as Dom.

Of course you are. Yes, and I'm completely eligible. Like, I literally, they went, what was the things about you other than everything I know about you? Well, it's quite a long list. Like, like, literally, like, if you've just, like, it's interesting. Well, what it is is that basically my entire family are fucked, right? And I'm the carer of my family, right? So there's multiple people in my family who I can just go,

well, I'm the carer of that. And they go, oh, well, you should also have a vaccine. Well, I was thinking filthy goatee put you in Group 1B. I mean, that is definitely debilitating. Yeah. I think the balding, I think balding puts you in a moment. Surely there's a problem with that particular approach, Charles, because if anybody in the health department listen to any of this podcast,

and your stories about how you look after your family, if your excuse for getting the vaccine is, I'm the carer for my whole family, they would say, I think it's better if he dies. I refer you to the episode last year where you tossed up whether your child should wear a helmet while skateboarding, and you went,

yeah, it probably doesn't need one. Head injury. Anyway, okay. So, so we went out to Homebush, so they're running this mass vaccinations in her at Homebush. Finally, another use for Homebush. But they've also found another use for QR code. because the whole system is based on QR codes.

They give you a QR code to turn up with, and then you scan it into a computer, and then they give you another QR code. It is amazing that the whole conspiracy theory about who created this pandemic was like Bill Gates and 5G, when the one thing is whoever came up with QR codes is clearly the person that created the pandemic. Like literally no one had ever used one.

They were the most useless thing on earth. Suddenly it's like, you can't live without QR codes. So, and there's literally hundreds of people in front of me in line. It's going, this is going to take all day. This is the best. I love that you've got to join a massive queue with people for a very long time. So that if there is COVID anywhere in the system, you'll all have it by the time of that change. Safe, yeah, it comes in.

No, no, but it's good because I did it on a Saturday. I was thinking I'm definitely going to miss Saturday morning sport. Like, this is an all-day affair. Like, I sit down after getting my extra QR code. And I'm literally 150 behind in the queue. Like there's 150 people seated in front of me. So start reading my book thinking, oh, this will be, you know, an hour or two. Literally look up five minutes later and there's three ahead of me.

Like I literally have to stand up and go to the vaccination. Yeah, so literally in that time there was like 150 people had been vaccinated in five minutes, right? Wow. That's amazing. So you can go to the vaccination thing. There's two nurses doing it. But one sort of a senior person, the junior person admittedly did look like he'd just been recruited from 7-11 or something.

He was just amazed. He was being paid. Are you eligible for the vaccine? More than $2 an hour or something. I was like, oh my God. And it is true that as the, that he was injecting me, because the junior person does the injection. I mean, you don't want to risk the senior person with the needle.

They should take care of the computer. It's the dangerous path. But she just went, as it was going. going in. She went, no, straight, do it straight, straight. It was a little disconcerting. But it was fine, and then sit down for 15 minutes in the observation thing, and then it's all over.

We were in and out within half an hour. They would have done three or 400 people within the half hour that we were there. It was just unbelievably quick. That's amazing, because I'm not as decrepit as either of you two, and I'm under 50. Yes. So all I've had is the thing that got sent out is like, sign up if you want the Pfizer vaccine. Yes, please.

Yeah. Nothing. Crickets. Absolute crickets. It was the federal government. No, it was the state government. Of course. It's a state government.

But they don't have any of the Pfizer vaccine. See, Craig, you're not doing it properly. What you've got to do is you've got to follow Alex Lee on Twitter. Scroll back about two weeks. Find that link. That link and do it. And then you do it. Ironically, the person I'm working with, I missed.

Charles, when you were there, did you see Greg Hunt and a whole lot of other federal, like, MPs wearing dark glasses and trench coats? I'm not really here. Give me the vaccine. No, no, no. They were out the front getting photo ops. That's their whole business. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they didn't need to worry about that because they got their vaccines months ago.

So, you know, why do they care about it? Yeah. So I guess the big question is how good's your 5G reception? Oh, it's great. It's really improved. What's better than a well-marbled ribby sizzling on the barbecue? A well-marbled ribby sizzling on the barbecue that was carefully selected by an Instacart shopper and delivered to your door. A well-marbled ribby you ordered without even leaving the kitty pool.

Whatever groceries your summer calls for, Instacart has you covered. Download the Instacart app and enjoy $0 delivery fees on your first three orders. Service fees, exclusions, and terms apply. Instacart, groceries that over-deliver. The Chaser Report, news you can't trust. Now, Charles, an amazing thing happened on the weekend. Eurovision return. They cancelled it in 2020.

And the best bit about that was it. It was cancelled. It was cancelled. But not only was it cancelled, but everyone who submitted a song, they couldn't just bring it back next year. It was completely fresh songs for this year. Those poor bastards. Imagine doing Eurovision song and you couldn't even perform it.

But that's sort of best of all worlds, isn't it? But I've got a game for you, Charles, and I bet you can't pick, which is which. Okay, so Italy won, spoiler alert, Italy won this year... Ah, you spoiled it, Dom? It was on tender hooks. Eurovision. And I want you to guess, therefore, I've got three clips for you, all right? One of them is the winner, the winning song.

Oh, yeah, yeah, okay. One of them is a song that was genuinely number one on the Italian charts this year. and one of them is an 80s men's wear ad from Italy. Okay, so you're going to play all three. I'm going to play clips of all three. I want you to tell me which is which. Okay, okay. It's good.

The four chords. It's a bit husky. This is 80s. This is so 80s. So that's the first clip. Let's give another one. It's hello rock. Yeah.

All right. So I reckon that that's definitely from this year. I don't know whether it's Eurovision or, yeah. I reckon that's probably the number one. Okay. Have a listen to this one. That is hard, isn't it? See, I reckon this could fit any category.

Eurovision winner or a chart song from this year. Oh, an ad from the 80s. It leaves a very special place. Okay, I'm ready to lock in. Lock in. What did he just say then? Was that a giveaway? Was that the ad?

Was the third one the ad? I've just ruined it. That was the 80s men's wear ad. The futch his menswear. It's got a little baby putting on his dad's suit, and then the dad goes, yeah, you look cool, son. So wait a minute, because I was honestly going to say that was the Eurovision thing. That means that the middle one, I think, is the number one pop song,

which means that the first one, which I thought that was the 80s one, that's got to be the Eurovision one. No. Amazingly enough, this is the strange part of his story. A good song, one Eurovision. It actually did. Oh, God. God.

It's a band called Muniskin and Ziti Ebbwani. That actually won Eurovision. There was one bit of good news, though. Yeah. I've got one more track for you. I just want to play the British song. Let me know what you think of this little number. It's called Embers, and it's by James Newman.

Sometimes I know my fire burns slow, but as long as you're with me, I'll never get called. Oh, yeah, this has got a bit of a beat. More Eurovision. You're by my side Oh, feeling and sent and Seasons free but Nothing will burn a... Did he not have access to a proper studio?

Because of the COVID. Yeah, they don't have auto-treated in the UK. Are you going to tell me that came second? Is that what... This song got... This is my favourite thing about Eurovision this year. It got, as they say, in Eurovision, null point. What?

None of the judges he voted for. And no one in the phone in audience. So no, none from both sides. Wait a minute. There's a whole raft of good decisions at Euro 2021. What's going on? I can't work out. Do you think it's because the song's a bit shit?

Because they're still angry about Brexit. Oh, no. Yeah, it's Brexit. Yeah, because you can't not give a vote to that song. Well, that's it for today's Chase Report. But we're back tomorrow, Charles, at 5 a.m. to do it all over again. Why did we sign up for this, Don?

This is a terrible idea. genuinely is. But look, if you enjoyed this podcast. Yeah, or say if you hated it and you want to force us to do this every day. Yes. Don't forget to subscribe in your podcast app of Joyce. And please give us a review on Apple Podcasts using the code phrase, I'm Chaser hesitance. Catch you tomorrow. See ya. The Chaser report. Less news more often. For more, follow the Chaser on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter or TikTok or visitchaser.com.

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