The Chaser Report - WE'RE GIVING AWAY $700 TRILLION

Episode Date: March 13, 2024

In honour of The Chaser Report's upcoming 7,000,000th listener, we are giving away $700 TRILLION. Email [e-mail] to say why the money belongs to you for your chance to win this absolutely legitimate offer. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The Chaser Report is recorded on Gatigal Land. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to this very auspicious episode of The Chaser Report. Charles, it's an extraordinary moment in the history of this podcast. We're about to circle in on an absolutely massive listener landmark. And you have organised a reward that I can't understand how you've done it, Charles. I know. Well, a lot of people say that. that a lot of things about me.

So we're about to close in on what's the landmark, 7 millionth download in the history of the Chaser Report. Yep, that's right. And it's not because we've made about 7 million episodes and we've got one listener. It does feel like that someday. Yeah. It's because we, you know, people listen. People listen to this show.

I'm looking at the total here, Charles. 6,9161,361,331 all-time downloads are phenomenally large. number, Charles. What can we possibly give the 7th millionth listener as a fitting reward for such a momentous landmark? I don't think there's a prize fitting. Last time, what was it? Some random merch from the Chaser shop. We've got to top it. We've got to do better than some random merch, Charles. I have, Dom, I have topped it. I'm pleased to announce, and I'm not lying. We are giving away to one lucky listener, $700 trillion. Seven, 700 trillion? How, what? To celebrate. To celebrate our 7 millionth listener, we're giving away $700 trillion.

That's how, I mean, you don't see Kyle and Jackie O doing that, do you? Do you see, do you know how much money that is? Charles, I mean, how big's the economy of Australia? Like, the economy of Australia wouldn't be more than a trillion dollars, would it? Yeah, it'd be like one or two trillion dollars. Let me look at this. GDP of Australia, June 2021, $2 trillion. Charles, you're giving away 350 times more than that.

Yeah, that's a drop in the ocean compared to what we're giving away, $700 trillion. And all you've got to do is just write in and let us know why you think you're the 7 millionth download it. Like obviously, because podcasts don't, you know, protect your privacy and everything like that, we can't actually tell exactly which downloader is the 7 millionth. But we can give it a fairly good crack and we'll pick it on the same day that it crosses that threshold. That the total goes off. Well, look, get out your email apps, podcast at chaser.com. com.

I guess we're going to do it like we did for the 6 million, Charles. The most convincing claim to be the 7 million, the most worthy argument that you make will win. Are you sure about this? It's $700 trillion. And there's, I'm not lying. I'm not lying. You must be lying.

More after this. Charles, is this the thing where you've done some sort of, sort of check that bounces? Didn't we do this before? Didn't we give away a check that everyone knew was going to bounce before? Are you saying we've actually got this money? I think it was post-dated. We gave away for the $6 million thing.

I got printed a massive novelty oversized check. I've got the photo of the listener who got the check eventually. And it was post-dated to the day after checks become invalid in Australia. You know how they announced checks were going to become invalid? So, yeah. So that was a catch. But you're saying this is some weird check bullshit. You've actually got the money.

This is pure cash. This is pure cash. Salis, have you seen our budget recently? We barely have $700 to rub together on this project. And you're saying there's $700 trillion. That's probably because we spend all of it getting the prize money for this giveaway. Because when you have $7 million downloads, you have about $700 trillion to give away. That's how liquid it is.

I think that's what I should Andy do. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. That's right. Okay, I just, I can't quite work out how you, you assure me that this is... Oh, you know, you know. Don't insult the audience, you know.

The audience knows as well. There's always a catch. I've known you long enough, Charles, to know that there is always a catch. $700 trillion. What's the total output of the global economy? That's what I'm away from that. It's probably like 30 or 40 million. Trillion, something.

Okay, this is good to know. So the total size of the global size of the global economy. the world economy. It's about $100 trillion, Charles. $100 trillion. So you're saying seven times the entire global economy is the prize. Yes, yes. That is what I'm saying.

$700 trillion. Okay. You're aware that when you make a promise like this, people can sue us if we don't give them $700 trillion. Yeah, actually, I think we did do. Remember we did that on Triple M. There was a media training, wasn't there, that if you said we're giving you a car.

Yeah. You've got to give them a car. You've got to give them a car. Well, no, no, we are, we're giving away $700 trillion. The, uh, we actually did a promotion a little bit like this on Triple M years ago. We should actually dig out, what we'll do is we'll dig out that sketch and actually play it right here. Nobody wants to listen to our show. So instead of improving the content, we're simply throwing cash at the problem.

One trillion dollars. That's enough to buy. by one billion iPhones. I've always wanted a billion iPhones. Over three times the size of the entire annual drug trade. That's so big. But it's not big enough. Big, big enough.

So now we've decided to give away $100 trillion. We've timed it by a hundred. That's more money than has ever existed in human history. I can't believe it. That's so much money. Simply be the 100 trillionth caller through And you could win the chance to go into the draw To win a chance to win $100 trillion every hour

On the hour That's right $100 trillion every hour I've won again All thanks to Radio Chaser The home of the $100 trillion listener pride I mean give away So that one was, it had a whole lot of catches to it.

This has no catches. I will send you. Like, if you win, I will send you $700 trillion in cash. In cash? I've got it. Yes. Cold hard cash. Cold hard cash.

That's right. As we used to say, I trivarylame. I do remember that sketch, and that was the one, yes, conditions apply. Conditions apply. You're saying no conditions apply. No. You've got the cash there in the room with you. Yeah, I've got the cash.

You want me to show it to you? We're going to show it to you. Presumably because I can't get in the door of the studio. because of the massive amount of cash that Charles has there. Well, let's not give away. Let's not give away what the catch is. If there is a catch, Charles. There is no catch.

No, I'm literally, I'm saying there's no catch. I will send you $700 trillion in cash. Via the post. By the post. Yes. It'll probably cost about $600 trillion to send. Probably will. No, Australia post.

Okay. All right. So, this is happening. You've got to convince this podcast at chaser.com. The most convincing case to be the 7 million listeners for the 6 million total will win. You're sure I can say this, $700 trillion in cash. In cash.

Cold hard cash. All right. Amazing. So then, so I think this sparks a wider conversation about why is the Chase report so successful? Why is it so popular? Yes. Why is it generating so many hundreds of trillions of dollars in prizes?

And there's a couple of stories today that I think illicit. Just our head of the curve, listeners to this podcast are compared to the rest of the world, right? And this is something, I mean, you ran me through these before Charles. And I must say, a lot of the time our praise, our self-congatulation is tinged in irony, right? Irony and healthy dose of self-disregard. But on this occasion, I think we can genuinely claim that listening to The Chaser Report every day puts you ahead of the curve on all kinds of important news stories. This is a news source. We are journalists now, Charles.

Yeah. We're basically the Cape McClymond of journalism. Yes. We're Kate McClyman. If Kate McClyman investigated Kate McClyment, that's the level we're operating out here, Charles. Yeah. The first story is Orcus. For those who listened to this podcast, would know, you know, as you predicted Dom,

you said, august will never happen. They won't build them. And that has precisely happened overnight. the Republican, no, no, sorry, the American Congress passed their defense appropriation bill for the next year and they have cut the number of submarines that they're going to build to one. They're going to build one next year. And that means that there won't be any, so what was going to happen under August was

America was going to give us three of their spare submarines sometime in the sort of 2030s and like have they'd build some new shiny ones for themselves and gives us their sort of second hand one yeah we'd get the second hand ones and eventually they were going to build us a new one weren't they eventually like in 2050 or something but they've now slowed down their development of the submarines which means we're just not going to get one we're definitely not going to get one in the 2030s this is the thing that's so encouraging about this because the only person I think in Australia Charles who is more dedicated to uh to to demonstrating that he was right retrospectively than we are.

The only people who are more, the only person more willing to go and just say, I told you so, is Malcolm Turnbull, who somehow keeps a bothering to go into the media and defend his record. He was on our end breakfast this week, making the point that the US needs double the submarines that they have now to keep up with China. They're making fewer than they were going to. The chances of us getting one, even with the best will in the world from them, which we don't have, is nil, which means Australia will.

not need to spend any money on the submarines. Oh, no, that's right. We paid already, didn't we? We've already given them money. Well, I think the thing is we're paying it in installments. I think it's $30 billion a year for 30 years. It's a layby. It's a good old Aussie layby. Maybe it's $10 billion a year for 35 years or something. But, yeah, no, so we have started shoveling the money. But presumably at some point, if you go and do a layby and you know, you're five years in and you realize you're not going to get the goods, are you allowed to stop by, or is that not? Or maybe?

I guess it depends, Charles, whether you view this submarine deal as a lay-buye or is a protection racket. Yes. If it's the protection racket, no, absolutely, we've just got to keep paying forever. And Malcolm Turnbull's point was, we should have bought the French submarines that he tried to organise and Scott Morrison fucked up by cancelling them. But I would think it's better for Australia not to have to pay at all. Well, I think we should be buying our submarines from the Chinese.

It sounds like they've got tons to go around. No, they do. And we've said this on the podcast before as well. We've basically, had you listen to the podcast, you would be across this story. You would know that we'd actually signed up for the perfect submarine, a submarine that will never arrive. Yes, that's right. Although, I must say, in lay-by terms, it's like you're doing a lay-by, and then the guy is using the money to build a submarine to kill you and then asks you whether you want to keep paying. And, but he holds onto the submarine.

Well, isn't this the same as buying Tesla? Not a very good. Isn't that what it's like with the cyber truck? Like, people gave them all this money and it never turned up. And then eventually it was twice as expensive. And basically, you could take it or get fucked. And I think that's exactly the same approach the Americans to take. It's good.

It's good, good salesmanship. The Chaser Report, news a few days after it happens. That's one of the amazing stories. The other story is just an update on the Chinese housing crisis. Now, long-term listeners, you know, maybe the 7 millionth downloader would know that, because we cover this all the time, Evergrand collapsed, it went into liquidation. We predicted all this. You called it first.

Sorry? You called it first. I called it first. I heard anyone. Anyone calling that? Then Country Garden is also gone bust. And now there's another one today. It's called Vanta.

And the really interesting thing about this one is this is the Chinese government, which a few years ago, as listeners would know, they introduced a sort of triple bottom line to property development, which means that actually you're not allowed to bail out property developers. All of a sudden, the Chinese government has changed course today and they're going to bail out the Vanda Group. Really? Too big to fail, finally. Well, actually, it's much smaller. It's much, much smaller than Country Garden or Evergrand. It's only, like, its next debt payment is only like, I don't know, $28 billion or something. It's basically nothing. And I mean, if they were the seven million downloader, Charles, if someone from Vanta

can convince us that they were the ones to get the download, we'd send them to $700 trillion. That'd be far ahead. The whole thing is, maybe that's what one of our lucky listeners could do is bail out the Chinese economy. You could bail out the Chinese economy. You could without money. But what's interesting is, so the Chinese government has intervened. to prop up this property group, partly because it's actually owned by the Shenzhen government. And so, you know, it's sort of a house of cards.

It's like too big to fail or too politically connected to fail, essentially. But the really fascinating thing is this is the first. So the crisis that China has is the exact opposite of our crisis, which is housing prices are falling rapidly. Houses are just getting cheaper and cheaper and cheaper. And it's actually becoming a problem because all. Chinese wealth is stored in property. So suddenly, like, the entire middle class is feeling poorer and poorer and poorer every day as property prices go down.

And so the Chinese have started to go, okay, no, let's prop up housing prices. This is becoming a problem. And I think, and what this, to me, indicates more than anything, is that Max Chandler Mather has got it wrong. He's got it wrong. Because, you know, Max Chandler Mather, clearly a communist, wants to build more Chinese spy, you know. But, you know, and he's been all wanting downward pressure on the price of housing. And suddenly his ruler, you know, Xi Jinping turns around, does a complete

vault face and goes, nah, we're going to prop up housing prices. So what I say to Max Chandler Amateur is get with the program and start, you know, supporting negative gearing, supporting tax breaks for property investors. If anything, we should have double negative gearing. You should get a, you shouldn't just get a tax deduction. The government should give you money. And I think the Australian government needs to get on board and start propping up housing prices in Australia. I think the problem is, like the Chinese economy, the housing prices aren't high enough in Australia.

It's clearly the case. But also, Charles, Max Chandler, mother aside, if he'd been listening to the Chaser report, he would know that we have already said that Australia's housing crisis is as simple as simply picking up a few of these Chinese ghost city is full of thousands and thousands of empty apartments that no one will ever live in built by a collapsed company just tow them here

just tow them here and moor them off Sydney Harbour more them off you know put them in the Brisbane River fill up the Brisbane River and put the content of these skyscrapers in them and boom you've got all these houses it's fine we can do it tomorrow just tow the cities I don't know quite how you detach them but there'd be a way you get a big truck I reckon Elon Musk

would be up for helping out with that Yeah, he'd ever hit a submarine, wouldn't he to do it? Blue sky thinking. Yeah, yeah, actually, that's right. If we had those submarines, or maybe we use some of the Chinese submarines to torpedo China and detach part of the land and bring it here.

Yes, or a tunnel. Elon Musk could build one of those tunnels he's building from the boring group and just use the tunnel to transport the giant skyscrapers from China to Australia. Or just commute. Commute from China each day. Actually, that's all you need. You just need a fast enough train

to live in wherever it is the outskirts. to Shenzhen or something. Yeah. And just commute to Sydney or Melbourne. I reckon the commute would be better. Especially if you didn't. What if you linked it up with the Rosell interchange, though? That would be a disaster.

It would be stuck in the tunnel. Yeah. Just build a very fast train. Like Australia has always been on the verge of doing that. Now's the time. Yeah, Albo could build a fast train between Canberra and Beijing. Yeah, between Canberra and rural China. It'll be like Guangdong or something, Guangzhou.

That's what a good idea. So had you listen to the podcast daily, as you should, you would know all of these news stories. Are there any more, Charles? Well, oh, I mean, every news story proves our point. Yes. That we're great. But the other thing that I just wanted to do was we had a flurry of reviews following Dom's call out for reviews the other day. Oh, good.

Unfortunately, people are finding that you can't leave a review on Apple Reviews. if you've already left a review on Apple reviews. You can edit your review, but you can't... That does seem like a flaw in the system that you can't just fake more reviews. So people have been sending me proposals for their rewrites of the reviews that they've made. Oh, good idea.

So, well, actually, this one isn't big... He said, now that I'm a paid-up member, I don't seem to be able to do reviews. Is that another flaw? Or benefit, perhaps. Maybe it's been a bit. But while I've got you, five stars, I love whichever one of you does the Lego Masters show. You're great.

And the other one who does the other hundred people show, whatever the fuck that is. Oh, the hundred. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, keep up the great work. I mean, it is the ongoing awkwardness of this podcast, isn't it? Which of us is Andy? Yeah. That's right.

I know exactly. It's because, I mean, I feel for Andy. He's apparently a lovely, I never met him, apparently a lovely person. And even he in an interview the other day acknowledged that Hamish was fun. and said, but he couldn't do it without me. And I reckon that's a proposition you never want to investigate, Andy. What about this one? Five stars, The Chaser is the only place to get your news if you start your day

by consuming meth and cheap port. Should we, actually, that would that be a good price? Wouldn't that be a more realistic prize for the seven millionth download? Meth and cheap port. We can't afford meth. Well, that could be for the eight millionth download. Get some Chateau-Tenunder and just get it aging nicely. What about this one?

Five stars. I mean, I guess at least they aren't Koshy and that white supremacist woman on Sunrise. Sure. So which one are you, are you, Andy and Ima, Amy? Sure is it the other way around? It's not clear. I think it's best to preserve Andy ambiguity.

I think we should agree it to a pact. We never decide who Andy is. And who's Craig in that equation? You don't have a Craig. See, this is the advantage of the Hamish and Andy system, is that there's not a third one who is clearly funnier. He's clearly much more successful than everyone else than the whole group. Yeah.

Yeah, okay. So this guy, Rick, has said he can't undo his review because he did one years ago, but he can edit it to go down to one star so Larnie doesn't feel the line. Great, thank you. Thanks, Rick. Okay, well, look, what we've concluded is that the podcast is amazing. depressing, the world needs a laugh. What does that even mean?

Like, even though it's depressing, the world needs a laugh. Does that imply that our podcast is... After listening to our show, depressing show. Even though the show is depressing, the world needs a laugh. I don't know. There's nothing more depressing, Charles, than it. It's either a compliment or an attempt at trolling us, and it's so confusing that it just makes me sad.

So, well done, sir or madam. You've cracked the ultimate review. Okay, well, so a reminder, if you'd forgotten about it, that we're giving away $700 trillion. In cash, you say. In cash. In your emails, you might want to guess what the catch is. Not that there is a catch. There's no catch.

We're giving it away. It's a cash. Yeah. Cold hard cash. People will be able to guess it. My son guessed it when I told him. Your son has had years of disappointment at your promises. Yeah.

No one's better trained to see what's coming in the. I actually offered to give him $100 trillion in pocket money and he said no. It's getting clearer by the moment. Our gear is from Road, we're part of the iconoclast network and nearly at $7 million, baby.

See you later.