The Chaser Report - We're Taking a Break!

Episode Date: April 7, 2022

With the election beginning any day now, we're taking a leaf from the PM's book and taking a break from working. In the meantime, enjoy our election speculation, and the last ever Producer Notes. See you in 2 weeks! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report. Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report. It is Friday the 8th of April 2022. We have a huge episode once again with Charles Firth, Gabby Ball. John Delmenicoe, Alex Avlovich. Hello. I'm Dom Knight. And some news, this is the final episode for two weeks.

We're having a little break to get ready for all the election shenanigans that we have planned. Of which there are many. We're having a break from work. Yes. We're not having the busiest time in the chaser calendar. I still have to work for the next two weeks. Yeah, yeah. You still got to work.

You're not going to work on the podcast. So we're just going to do the same thing, but not what the microphone's on. Is that we used to? Yeah. So we're just going to sit around the table still? I'm glad this has been communicated so clearly to the employees. So the feed will be quiet for a little bit. But then during the election, it will spring back into life with election editions, which will be incredible.

Well, the election could be called by the. the time you hear this. Like, it seems you what's going to happen is they're going to call the election and we're going to just not be there. Are we sure we thought this through? Yeah, it was visually well? I'm happy to just take the break the entire election. Oh, yeah.

Let's do that. Arguably, we should just not talk about the election ever again and hope that it goes away. That's my theories. I don't think Scott Morrison's going to call this election. Hang on down. We'll get to that. We've got election predictions coming up first.

I'm going to ask all of you how you think. think things are going to go, just to keep people entertained over the next two weeks waiting for Scott Morrison to finally call this damn thing. And what I'm told will be the final episode ever of producer notes, surely not. Surely Loughlin's not giving up already. Oh, or is he going on to bigger and better things? Oh, it doesn't seem likely. But first, here's Rebecca Dayuna Muno in the Chaser Newsroom.

Scott Morrison has silent. critics by pledging to commit to calling the election by 2050. Despite most other leaders around the world, all promising to call their elections in the near future, Morrison has decided that Australia will instead utilise voting offsets to cut down their announcement emissions, because despite what statistics show, the political climate is not changing. The Nation of Australia, which has, for the last three years, been gripped in a non-stop cycle of bushfires, floods, pandemics, plagues, earthquakes and Barnaby Joyce sex scandals is now reporting things are getting so bad that they would settle for even just one

quiet week. Literally, just one week, seven days, in a row, without a once-in-a-million-year disaster. Please. In other news, scientists have declared that they will start using reverse psychology in order to have their advice taken for once. Around the globe, world leaders have begun switching to renewable energy sources and abandoning coal power ever since scientists started saying that renewable energy totally doesn't work and it's not worth investing in. That's the latest headlines for The Chaser Report. I'm the overworked and un thanked Rebecca de Unumuno, and it's time for a break. See ya.

So we're about to take a break for two weeks, as we said at the start of the show, preparing stuff for the election. And I thought we'd just go around the table and just see what everyone's predicting will happen over the next few weeks. And I guess the big question at this point, when's this thing going to be called? When Scott Morrison actually going to go and say, we're having an election, game on. Well, he can't. He can't call it. This is the hilarious thing.

I mean, constitutionally, he can call it. Like he's the prime minister, he's allowed to go and visit the Governor General, right? But there is a court case going on about whether he's allowed to impose his own candidates into a whole lot of fairly safe Liberal Party seats, right? And if he doesn't wait for that court case to just resolve itself, they can't appoint Liberal Party candidates for all those seats. Files, that's that one that he won on Tuesday? Yeah, but they're appealing it. They're appealing it. They're appealing it to the high court.

Damn, that really throws off my prediction, because I was going to predict that it would be called by the time this episode goes out. Like, in the meantime between Loughlin editing this episode and they're going out to the public, I assume Scott was going to call it at like 2am on Friday. Out of spine against us. No, just a bit of fun.

No one expects a 2 a.m. election call. I think if you look at his prime ministership, he never ever makes a decision until it's too late. like vaccines he just ordered them months and months too late in actual fact i think that's what's going to happen here it's just like it's going to only be when it becomes a national crisis that it turns around and and an actual fact if he doesn't call it within a couple of weeks what will happen is the senate will be dissolved but the house of reps won't be and taking past laws and they'll yes and they will

continue going until September the election will end up being in September but the Senate will have an election in May well Charles but also you're assuming he has to call an election I mean that's just based on convention the constitution various bits of legislation and just the whole notion of following

the rule of law right yes yes he doesn't have to do that no he can just kind of just get Alex Hawke if he just waits for long enough Alex Hawke will go in and just decide who gets what seats he can do what he did to the New South Wales Liberal Party to the whole of Australia which is It's just not turn up.

Not turn up to meet. I put in a rule to say that the local Liberal Party branch has had to choose who he was going to represent them. And he just ignored that and got Alex Hawk to do it. So I think a much better system would be just leave it to his hard man to just settle it all. I just think that we have to take a note out of Dolly and Cosmopolitan and Total Girl's book and say that he will call when it feels right.

You know, like he will call. when his heart desires. And if he doesn't call, then he's not the one for you, babe. Well, he's a Scorpio, isn't he? Is he? He probably will call it when the moon is rising. But if he calls it for May, that's not going to work.

Because like a Gemini moon and a Scorpio rising, it's just not going to work. Yeah, you're right. It's brave. No, but this is a disaster, because he has to call it in May. So it's just, it's all over. Well, it's depending on whether it's late May or not, because Gemini is like late May. Oh, okay.

I can't remember the one before. Well, that's why it probably will be on the 12th of, no, on the 14th of May. Yeah, but like one of the time's right. Everyone always asks when the PM is going to call an election, like every single electoral cycle. And the answer is always the same. As soon as there's a favourable news poll, that's when they do it. That's when Kevin Rudd did it back in the day.

That's when Julie, as soon as there's a positive. A positive news poll that says it's going to win. Here you go straight to the Governor General. So, 2072. What would Jenny say? Run. Don't hurry home. I want you to win this election and spend on it.

I think knowing Scott Morrison and his solution to like housing and stuff, my guess is he's going to soon ask why voters don't just call their own election. Because we consider just doing it ourselves. Oh, yeah. If renters can just buy it. a house, voters can just call an election. I don't know why we're waiting for the government to step in

when we can have a lot of agency. Just do it yourself. It'd save time, it'd save money. We'll just do the election. We all just send in a piece of mail to the electoral commission. Put our own snags. Get them together. Get the gals together. Put a piece of paper in a mailbox.

Yeah, we don't want any collective elections are a collective action. Why don't we just believe in the unleashing the power of the individual? We just send an email. Why don't we just ask a magic eight ball? What do you think, Alex? So when's this election going to happen?

I'll be honest with you guys. I think it's entirely irrelevant because of a new story I came across last week. I don't think anyone's, I don't think the election's going to matter. I don't think anyone's going to win. The only winner is going to be Bob Cadder through a coup. Now, I saw last week that he was planning to arm thousands of children with rifles. Well, it doesn't matter. I mean, it's all moot if the children's coup comes.

Yeah, so he's going to march on Canberra with thousands of kids from 13 to 17 years old with rifles, and that'll be it. Specifically, every single secondary school student from 13 to 17 years old will be given a rifle and become their own militia, because it'll be the only way that we stop Russia's invasion. Yeah, well, if that's not a, if that's not a coup announcement, I don't know what is. I think all this election talk is nonsense, and we've got to be preparing for the real leader to step in. The war. My pick for the election is Bob Catter because Bob Catter is the only politician that I've seen claim that Australia is in the exact same situation as Ukraine

and that we are facing the exact same problem as Ukraine is with the same country, Russia being the enemy. And that's why we need a child militia. No, Scott Morrison and Anthony Abenesee, they're really weak on this child militia issue and they claim that Australia is not having the exact same problem as Ukraine right now. And like, I don't know exactly which problem he's talking about

because it clearly just can't be the invasion because we don't have an invasion right now. But clearly there's something that he's understanding that no one else is and that we need to give every child in the country a rifle. I mean, he's got my vote. I'm going through a quarter-life crisis. I'd love to be a teenager again.

I would join that militia in a heartbeat. You'd be so good in a militia. Thank you. Oh, my God. You'd look so good in a militia. Oh, thanks, guys. Any other forecasts for who's going to win? What do you think is going to happen, Charles?

Who's going to be the new Prime Minister? This is really depressing. I am absolutely convinced as of this morning that Scott Morrison will be the next Prime Minister. I was talking to, let's just say, people who I wouldn't normally interact with. Smart people. Your mother.

The interns. And they all went. Oh, yeah, yeah, I don't really like Scott Morrison. It was like, oh, okay, that's interesting. But I don't know who this Santini of an easy guy is, so I'm not going to vote for him. And that was literally everyone I talked to this afternoon at Butt. It was just unbelievable. And it was like, oh, right, yeah, that's what's going to.

That's what happens every time is Labor runs a small target strategy. Then everyone goes, well, hang on, who's this Labor butt? We've never heard of anyone on that. And then they go, oh, we'll go with the guy. You know, Charles, that is not true at all. Last election, Labor had a big target strategy. They ran with Bill Shorten, who everyone knew and decided that they despised. Yes, yes.

And they killed Bob Hawke in order to secure it. Yeah, that's right. That was such a waste. They should have used Hawke this time round. Yes. Maybe they should kill Keating. No. It'd be finally be interesting because, like, last week I hung out with a bunch of my friends

from before I got into politics. And one of the things that I heard was that this ukulele clip got in front of these people because it was so viral. But what they said was at least, although it was super cringy and terrible, at least it showed a personality.

Yes. Unlike the time that they went back and realized it something they had watched, had someone called Anthony Albanyi in it. Yes. So like if Anthony Albanyi just killed a politician, that would go very viral and everyone like, oh, that guy, he's actually interesting ones.

Yeah, yeah. But he couldn't kill Paul Keating because I'm convinced Paul Keating sleeps with a fucking machete next to his bed. Yeah, yeah. And also, that would probably not be very popular. I'll tell you what would be popular.

Killing Kevin Ratt. Oh, yeah. Two birds of one stone. And then you can blame News Corp and just get that whole... You get the Queensland vote. Great. But hang on a thing.

If you killed Kevin Rade, he'd spent three years slowly doing the numbers and come back to life. That's right. As Julie Gillard knows, You can't kill Kevin Rudd. Jeff would not stop Kevin Rudd. He'd come back in to be like, okay, guys, I'm in the afterlife.

Resurrections are possible at this time of year, all right? We're coming up to Easter. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. See? Oh, no. Kevin Ryan is winning. He's winning.

Scott Morrison's winning. Yeah, that's it. He's going to just do some God squatty shit. Sorry, I'm eating Malteseers. But that's, no, that's right. Like, if everyone's saying that Scott Morrison is dead going into this election, who's going to rise? Jesus.

Later. Bob cutter. In a few moments, the last ever producer notes, don't go away. The Chaser Report, news you can't trust. Ladies and gentlemen, with what I'm told is the last ever episode of producer notes. It's Lachlan Hudson, our producer. Wee. Hey, Lockland.

Yeah, that's the round of applause that we want for the final episode. Not the big call, but the end. So why is this the last ever producer notes? So, do you guys know that this is also the last episode we're doing before we go on break? What? There's another for two weeks. No, no, we're getting rid of the podcast. What's saying goodbye to the podcast?

What? We've had our fun here, but I think it's all right if we just say goodbye. So we're finishing up. Lucky, lucky. I hate the podcast as much as the next. next person. But I mean, like, I like job security. I'm starting to realize maybe having these discussions on hot mics might not be the way to run a podcast. But look, whether we go or whether we don't go, I think it's important

for us to say goodbye properly. Don't you all agree? We're going on break. The fans are going to miss us for two weeks. I think this is entrapment. He wants to fire us and he's like, no, no, this counts as a resignation. Say goodbye. Oh, yeah. Maybe you just say yes during this segment. And so you say yes and give like two weeks notice of you being gone. Okay, I've got a yes from Charles, a yes for gone. This is great. It means there's no more producer notes. I think I'm willing to fall on my sword.

No, so that's it. Today's only producer note is how do we say goodbye to this beautiful little child that we all birth together? Don't we just abandon it on a hill? Why don't we just do it like to stop? Yeah, what if we, what if we, go out to get milk and then just never come back to the podcast. I thought I would prepare a compilation for you all as my gift for, as a gift from producer to you guys,

some of my favorite moments from behind the scenes. Oh, we are going to find out of this podcast. I figure, you know how we've got that folder with like bloopers in it that's been slowly filling up for the past few years. Oh, I love that folder. I figured this might be the best, most fitting. way to say goodbye to the most professional podcast we've ever worked on. I've just, I've not brought my fucking script in.

Oh, mother. Oh, I'll be back. I'm just going to leave it on record. Is it hungry, hungry hippos? Oh, no, where'd you go, Dom? Oh, fuck, fuck, fake. What he's done? Hello?

Hello? Can you hear me? Are you on ABC Wi-Fi, Craig? Craig? Hello, can you hear me? Yes. We can hear you. Can you hear us?

Craig, can you hear us? We're up on the show. we are talking to who will be doing it oh john saffat coming on the show an amazing guess we've got john saffron what we don't no we don't first let's head to rebecca they know the chaser wait but am i having a stroke it's actually i'll find a clip that's actually um this is this is got to be it this is the one and sorry sorry sorry and this is okay sorry and this one um yeah sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry um Sorry. It's the Moderna announcement.

Well, Dom, big news. Big news today. My name's not Dom. I just called you, Dom, straight up, without even flinching. That's bad. I'll start that again. Actually, Lachlan, I hate to do this. Please cut that.

Oh, that could have been so much worse. That's really sweet, Lachlan. Has anyone got anything to say without, you know, fumbling or pausing through it? Sorry for all that. I just want to say, Lachlan, I can't give a better way to say goodbye to this chapter of the Chaser Report anyway than by the most unlikely thing we've ever done, a good producer note segment. Thank you so much. That was great. Yay.

I think that I've just reached Nirvana. I'm just glad that that proved that Alexa and I are perfect at the podcast. Yeah, I had one mistake in there. Yeah, why was there no Lachlan stuffing up in that compiler? It's kind of funny. I remember a few moments. Okay, you know what? Um, Dom's raised a great question, but I don't think there's enough time.

Uh, you know what? We've had our fun. I think we're just, it's time to pull the plug. We're pulling the plug on the whole show. I can't believe we have the money for Australian Jerry Seinfeld on this show. Charles, can you initiate self-destruct? Initiating Chaser report self-destruct sequence. There's no such thing.

There's no. What? Did you spend money on this segment? No, it's not. We're coming back. How long is this destruction time? Oh, goodbye, everyone. I personally have lived a short

The podcast. Someone's got to say goodbye. Someone closed the podcast. Now, here is from Road Microphone. We're part of the A-Cars Crowder Network. Oh, it only killed all the men. Fuck, great. Oh, this is lovely.

Oh, I'm going to have to do all of the emailing. No. I hate that. Oh, look, there's another big button. Probably shouldn't push it. Last one didn't go so well. But here I go. Woo!

While other podcasts scramble to cover the election. Election campaign. The Chaser is scrambling even harder. Presenting the Chaser Report Election Edition. This May, the Chaser have all the election coverage you never asked for. What are the most boring issues? Who gives the stuff about? about anything anyway and what the hell is a Peter Dutton listen every day as the

chaser provides crucial insights on the election which they stole from 7.30 the night before the chaser report election edition