The Chaser Report - Were We Drunk? | James Schloeffel

Episode Date: August 10, 2021

Gabbi catches Charles and Dom sounding drunk during yesterday's episode – were they? Plus, The Shovel's James Schloeffel joins us to talk through the latest news, including the COVID outbreaks in Byron Bay and the arrival of the Moderna vaccine. And we discover that exclusive private schools have received privileged access to Pfizer just like, well, everything else. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This episode of The Chase Report is brought to you by the World Power Walking Championships. Watch a couple hundred people stroll their way to victory. And come on. Watch it. Walking's cool. You were all obsessed with it last week. People don't know what you fucking want. Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chase of Report. Hello and welcome to the Chaser Report for Wednesday, the 11th of August.

Gabby and Charles, the news on vaccines is finally really good. Are you excited? Yeah. I just think it's great that everyone at last is going to be in the same boat. They're all going to get vaccinated. We're all going to just be one group of people all united in being a sort of vaccinated nation. It's such a nation-building thing to do. Moderna's coming online in a month or so.

Pfizer's going to come through. But at the moment, admittedly, Pfizer is a bit in short supply. I mean, in regional areas, places like Newcastle and Bathurst, people are really, really cross that their Pfizer appointments have been cancelled. Yes. To give to teachers at exclusive private schools. At what? No, isn't it for people in South West Sydney and Bankstown and stuff like that, isn't it? Well, in effect, yes, that's what they've said.

But it also turns out, and of all people the Australian reported on this yesterday, that many of Sydney's elite private schools have been able to vaccinate their staff. through sweet deals with local GPs. It's absolutely amazing. With Pfizer? Yes, with Pfizer. Kimball Ladies College, which is a very posh leafy school on the up and all short of Sydney,

they've got a private clinic on site. A local GP sent an email to the principal saying, I'm going to keep Pfizer doses aside for you until teachers can all get vaccinated. I think you've got this wrong. This was literally a satirical article in The Chaser about three weeks ago. The idea that we were taking Pfizer vaccines from the regions to give to rich private schools.

But literally, that is a Chaser article. I think it's good to be clear. I mean, I'm joking about them directly doing that. They are canceling the appointments for the kids in the regions. But at the same time, and I know the Australian does read like satire often, but this is absolutely true. So Barker College in Hornsby. Oh, my God. There you go.

Yeah, I've got some relatives who went there too. I've got to admit. they've got a medical centre next door to their school campus and they have now got 60% of staff partly vaccinated 30% fully vaccinated. Dom, that's fine. Like all schools in South and South West Sydney need to do is, you know, get their own medical clinic set up next to their school,

their own private medical clinic. And then they too can be part of this script. So I don't think there's any problem here. It's just... They just don't have enough. a high-end, like, medical centers next door to those schools. Yeah, exactly. Knox Grammar School had FISA vaccinations for staff from a nearby medical center.

It's just all sweet and cozy, isn't it? Hold on a minute, hold on. Did they spit on the staff? Oh, no, that was sure, wasn't it? Hold on. Where did you two go to school? Shut up. No, because, no, we're doing this because the last time we mentioned private schools on this

podcast, we were met with a barrage of angry emails because of the hypocrisy from you two. Now, where did you both go to school? The University of Life Coming up on the show today Oh, all right How very Gladys Baregiclian of you Well, I'm public school educated We're not talking about that now

That's for another podcast Today we're both public school educated Aren't we Charles? Yeah, the greater public schools of Sydney Primary school We're into public primary schools I believe You know what? The one thing they do learn at public schools

Is how to tell the truth And I feel like the one thing that you two are very good at is lying. Look, so I'll give you that. To be fair, our school is not on the list. But another grammar school, Knox grammar, it's just extraordinary. They're all doing it pretty much, except for our one. Barker College, the headmaster's actually saying that it's fully complies its regulations for eligibility, but not for availability, mate, does it?

But is it any surprise? Is anyone going, oh, my God? The Liberal government, which previous to this point, has had so much integrity, just all the way through, has now suddenly done something dodgy with their private school mates? I mean, look, let me ask you this, okay? They don't have stats on teachers. What percentage of adults do you think in North Sydney and Horns be, like the rich areas of Sydney to the north, have had a first dose?

It would be same. It'd be roughly, slightly more than the statewide average. I think the state world average is now 23% So maybe 25% 52% Oh you're fucking kidding You are In south-west Sydney

Yeah Which has been the epicentre of the outbreak For you know Well since Bondi has stopped being the epicentre Yeah exactly You know what percentage has had a first dose I'm going to say two 14.7

Oh no Dom they've only got themselves to blame They've just got to get along to the clinic in Hornsby. Yeah, at Knox Grammar. And Knox Grammar and he'll sort them out for them. But you know what the really surprising thing about this article is? That it was written by the Australian?

Yes. That's it. That's perfect. Sorry. Yeah, but we had the scoop weeks ago. The Chaser had the scoop weeks ago. It's just a rewriter. Well, I think as two ex-private school boys,

it's in your duty to teach the people of South West Sydney how to be a private school student. and then they can sneak in, get it done. I agree. And you know what? I'm going to write our old schools headmaster email right now and saying he's not doing enough to vaccinate the staff. Do it.

I think we should. I think that's the closest to a stunt we can get in this lockdown. Go nuts. Coming up on the show today, James Schleffle of the shovel is going to catch up on some news, including the outbreaks in Byron and Temworth in regional New South Wales. The international panel on climate change have landed. They've landed themselves on thin ice with health officials this week

after their controversial decision to declare the entire planet Earth a hotspot. The unfortunate miscommunication has led to a bloody rivalry with epidemiologists everywhere vowing war against climatologists. The potential fallout of this dispute is grim, with experts predicting that parties with scientists will now be even more awkward and lame. As the census sweeps the nation, statisticians have called for everyone to take the poll, seriously after they noticed that 38,000 Australians have been left unaccounted for because they

weren't home for the census. The ABS has immediately blamed this lack of data on the interference they faced for malicious hackers and no fault of their own. After arriving in Byron Bay, the coronavirus has recently confirmed rumours with paparazzi that it is now dating Liam Hemsworth. The two met at a cafe in Byron where the virus knew that it was love at first transmission. The pair are now close contacts after bonding with each other over the fact they will only be relevant for another year, Tops. That's the latest headlines from the Chaser Newsroom. I'm Rebecca Deunamuno.

Up next, Julie and Dave get serious on Pack to the Rafters, followed by all new NCIS. This episode of The Chaser Report is brought to you by Moderna. Why be hesitant about just two vaccines when you could be hesitant about three? The Dernar. 80% of New South Wales is now under lockdown. And the good thing about it is that it gives us a chance to share an experience with our good friends in Melbourne who are now on lockdown. Number six.

James Schleffle of the shovel, you're a veteran. Hi, Tom. How are you? It's wonderful down here in Melbourne, another week of lockdown. Can I just say, though, the fact that Gladys Pereducalion didn't shut down Sydney a month sooner in order to stop the spread of the coronavirus across the whole country is not. something that I've given any thought to it all this week. Hasn't crossed my mind. I haven't given it a moment's thought.

Did you say Beridiclean on the way there? I think I heard it. Like, was that? Is that a Freudian slip? I didn't mean to do that, but I think he might be right. A lot of love for Gladys down here. Yeah, because, I mean, what's the vibe? Are you blaming us just because it came from us?

Or are you sort of seeing the broader picture that pandemics happen and there's not really anything that one person can do to stuff up so badly. Yeah, look, I'd like to think that we're taking the high moral ground and being the big person here, but I'm not sure that's the case, Charles. Yeah, look, a bit of anger down here, sure. Out of 100, what are the chances of civil war in the next 10, 15 years? Like, what are we talking? Look, I think certainly in time for the next Olympics, I think,

I want to see a situation where we don't compete as Australia, but we're competing at separate states. I think that's quite likely. Yeah. No, but see, if that happened, I'd want Tasmania to just somehow pull through and be an underdog in that situation. Well, I mean, Ariad Titmus is from Tasmania,

so they'd probably win. I mean, there you go. They'd probably be the leading country out of the... Especially on a per capita basis. Yeah. But, James, where do we end the blame game? I mean, okay, sure, this is all our Premier's fault. But then, isn't it the limo driver's fault beyond that?

And then isn't it the person who booked that person, that idiot, to drive a limo? Isn't it the existence of limos? It's really to blame here and not us. Yes, well, it is. I like Dom's idea of just blaming it on limos, though. I think just having, you know, a piece of kind of inert machinery is a good thing. It's probably what we need right now rather than a person. If the flight cruise had just walked from the airport,

it. No, this would have ever happen. God. That's depressing to think of it that way, Don. But true, unfortunately. Yeah, it's quite bizarre. If that one person hadn't allegedly been vaccine hesitant, we would all be okay. Or if the company had been a public thing where, like, it was a private cut price company. The public system had fully vaccinated drivers for those things and they'd outsourced it because they wanted to save a few bucks. And they've said, The Army could have done it. I love the idea that the Army would, like, should have been in charge of passenger transportation from airports and stuff. Because imagine getting off a plane and then getting into a tank.

Yes. It would be a great way to come into the country. Ahoy! The flight crews would have gone directly to the hotel. No one's stopping that tank. Not even for red lights, right? Tank submarine home. Can we talk to James?

I was just thinking that. I'm enjoying. I'm enjoying listening to the banter guys. It's fun. Look, there's been a lot going on, though. Can I just go through some of the top stories that I've been following this week? Look, I noticed up in New South Wales, Byron Bay went into lockdown yesterday. And apparently within 30 minutes, all the stores there had totally sold out of healing crystals.

Just trolleys overflowing with this stuff. You couldn't get an astrology chart or a dream catcher for love or money out there. So thoughts and prayers for the people up there. And was there a run on biocharges as well? I know Pete Evans has a store up there. He does. I heard that that went bankrupt actually, which is extraordinary because he sells those things for $20,000 pop.

So you wouldn't have to sell too many. I heard that there were 10,000 leftover biocharges. Oh my God, maybe Australians aren't as gullible as we thought. But it makes for a very good disco. But it was like, that would have been like $250 million worth of biocharges at the retail price. At retail cost, yeah. James, I've heard there's problems with testing up in Byron, though, because they

can't get enough Reiki practitioners in. Yes, I do worry a bit about Byron. But look, Tamworth as well, also in lockdown, that of course is to stop the spread of Barnaby Joyce. This second wave of Barnaby Joyce, though, is, is not. Much, much worse, I think. I don't know what you guys think. Oh, yeah.

I mean, the unfiltered transmission into the Starfer really didn't end well. Yeah, well, apparently they're saying anyone who's coming to contact with Barnaby Joyce needs to have a deep clean and just make sure that, you know, there's... And also a psychiatric analysis. But he just keeps popping up. You can't get rid of the guy. Yeah, but I mean, is it advisable, like I know lockdowns sort of work for some things, but is it advisable to lock?

down Bonavie Joyce just in the Tamworth area? Isn't that a bit cruel to everyone in Tamworth? Yes. Yes, it is cruel, Charles. They'd be looking for some kind of payment or compensation for that, I'm sure. And imagine what it would do to birth rates. Oh. But I guess the upside, the upside is that it's also stopped the spread of country music for

the time being. Yes, it has. Just contained it into that little area. That's good for everyone. What else? The Moderna vaccine has been approved in a. You might have seen that. Yes, good news.

It is good news. It could be arriving in Australia as soon as September, apparently, which means the government's only got one month to totally fuck up the messaging. Usually they've got a lot more time to get this wrong. So, yeah, they're working on that right now, I think. Do you remember when Scott Morrison? He came down harder on hoarding toilet paper than he ended up getting vaccinated. Because I remember last year he was like, stop hoarding.

I can't be more blunt about. it. Stop it. And I haven't seen anything like that towards the vaccines. Get vaccinated. Just do it. Go do it. Let alone, let alone the needles in strawberries. Remember that a couple of years ago? That's the only time that Scott Morrison's done a full day's work, I think, was when we had that problem. And if only, if only if there were needles inside the coronavirus, Well, maybe they just need to put strawberries around the vaccine needles. Oh, good idea. Yeah.

It'll activate Scott. Coming into summer. It's a brilliant idea. I think the problem is, James, that he's lacking for spiritual counsel because his good mate, Brian Houston of Hillsong, is just a little bit charged with unspeakable crimes, isn't he? He is. This has been a long time coming.

And this is a great thing for Hillsong because after years of being cast aside as some kind of fringe movement. Hilsong can finally be considered a conventional mainstream religion because, you know, their founders been charged with allegedly concealing information about child sexual abuse. So I think that, you know, they're now part of the mainstream. They've been doing everything else, right? They haven't been paying any tax. But finally, I think they can be brought into the fold. It could be Hillsong's first pope. Oh, yes. Yes, it could be. I haven't heard anything from Scott Morrison about this yet, is, well, I guess it's not surprising, is it?

But, you know, they're best mates, aren't they? Famously, he invited Brian Houston to the White House, didn't he? And then the Trump White House. Yeah. You know, we have standards, you know. And Brian Houston didn't meet them. I was imagining there were some sex crimes that needed to be concealed at the White House. But no, you're right.

Yeah, imagine not making the cut for a Donald Trump event. I mean, that is a very low bar. James Level, thanks for joining you. James, and if you want more, don't forget to check out the shovel on all the socials and their website. The Chaser Report, less news, more often. The Australian Census Bureau would like to thank the public of Australia for participating in the 2021 census. Here's some of the most interesting things we learnt this year. There are now 25 million more Australians since the last census in 2016, when the results showed that there were.

were only six. Zero Bondi residents were in their home last night. 124% of Australians report not understanding how percentages work. Zero percent of Australians are excited for the Hey Hey, Hey, it's Saturday reboot. 50,000 couples reported breaking up over the stress of defining their relationship on the census form. 38,000 Australians mysteriously reported that they were overseas on census night. 69% of Australians report being immature. 98% of Australians report wanting milk that just tastes like real milk.

And 100% are now aware that they are breathing and hate us for pointing this out. For more statistics, visit census.gov.org. Not all at once, though. We wouldn't want the website to crash. This episode of The Chaser Report is brought to you by your partner hating ice skating. It's true. You were right. They hate it.

And there's no reason they should pretend to like it in front of strangers. And it's not weird of you to bring this up, okay? You should confront them about this. You should tell them. You should tell them how you feel. Now, before we go, we don't normally share kind of private conversations with the podcast. But Gabby, you posted something this morning that I think needs consideration because everyone on our team thought that we were all absolutely smashed recording yesterday's podcast. Like, let's have a listen.

It's destroyed, our dreams are destroyed, it doesn't matter, it doesn't, nothing matters anymore because we're all going to die in a climate apocalypse anyways. Charles, when you do die in a climate apocalypse, do you want us to scatter your ashes on a half pipe if we can find one because then they'll slide down. It'll be really fun. So you can listen to the podcast on certain players in half time, not just double time and 2.5. You can listen to it in half time.

And I don't know about you, but the two of you particularly sound absolutely smashed. Yeah. Is it smashed or stone? To me, it's like 3 a.m. pre-lockdown law. Like, I mean, it is hard to tell with Charles because Charles is often like that normally. But for me, I haven't had a drink in weeks. Like, that's amazing. And it just makes me think, do I need?

to unlock drunk dom like do i should i be that person on a full-time basis well the only way to go from here is to get absolutely smashed on one of these episodes not tell anyone and see if the same thing happens because the thing is your speeches are both slurred in in your nature anyway so what happens is if you guys drink what if you suddenly become like etiquette queens erudites happen witty yeah like all of a sudden i'm talking to audrey hepburn and julie andrews well that's good so next time i'm at a party and i want to seem like i'm having a great time but don't want to drink kind of thing like i'll just be like going very slowly i don't know if that's quite the vibe i think i don't think you guys can actually emulate it at all i think it's only something we can unlock with

your actual speech patterns yeah i see i wouldn't worry about it dom anyway because it's not like you're going to be able to go to a party anytime soon anyway and even if we could i'm not sure you guys are getting invited to any young people parties let's just end the podcast here um leave us a review please five stars very welcome and today's code word is half speed drunks. Great. I love that this is changing the reviews for you guys. Our gear is some road microphones are part

of the A-cast, create. No, that doesn't work. A-cast Creator Network. See ya. See ya. God.