The Chaser Report - Wet Ass Podcast

Episode Date: August 13, 2020

Nina looks at the backlash to Cardi ‘n Megan’s hit song, Charles checks out potential VP Kamala Harris and Dom has some good news about Covid at last. Plus Rebecca De Umamuno updates you with the up to datest news updates. 
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In times like these, it's important to know who you can trust. At last, a new source that's reliably reliable, informatively informational and never wrong. Unfortunately, you're not listening to it. Instead, you're listening to The Chaser Report. Hello, and welcome to The Chaser Report. I'm Charles Firth, and with me today are Dom Knight and Nina Ayama. Hello. Hello.

Now, big story of the week. Channel 10 had massive redundancies, and among those cut was our very good friend, Kerry Ann Kennelly. I mean, look, coronavirus is spreading around the world. Death is rampant. There's a new VP candidate in the US. But forget that. KAK is out the door. Bye.

Bad bitch. I know you've had a bit of a personal gripe. I mean, we're not just dancing on her grave. You have very good reasons to resent K&K. Yeah, no, Kerry Ann Kenil, because I went on studio. 10 after, remember when Alan Jones tried to get that Everest horse race ad projected on the, on the Sydney Opera House? Yeah.

Yeah, and we went along and projected his phone number on the Opera House instead. And that was seen as a bit controversial. And Kerry-ane Kennelly took me to task for it on Studio 10. She actually ended up doxing me live on air. What's your number? 0419. 2419, yeah. 282.

Are you serious? 1.8? Yeah, that's my number. Is it? You can give me a call if you want. There you go. Call, Charles. There you go.

Yeah, I'm going to call you down. Give me a call. Hang on, hang on. I'm surprised you don't already have it since. Oh, well, now I do. Yeah. Charles, you realize you just published your phone number again on the podcast. Bloody Carrie Ann.

Give him a call. He loves attention. That was the mistake that they made on Studio 10 was she thought she could embarrass you by seeing if you would reveal your phone number, not knowing how shameless you truly are. Can't be embarrassed. Did anyone call you after that? Tens of thousands of people. Well, thousands of people called me. Tens of thousands of people messaged me. I never actually read. I started out trying to reply to all the messages. And then it became like tens of thousands of people because it went viral. What did they say?

Most of them, like 99% of them went, we hate Carrie Ann Kennelie. You're a legend furthy. It was wonderful. So Carrie Ann, if you're listening, send Charles a text. and say good-day, maybe you can come at work for us. K-A-K, we know you need a job. Now, coming up on the show today, what have we got? I'll be talking about WAP, the new Cardi B and Megan the Stallion song, and the way that it's affecting conservatives. And I have some good news at last in the struggle against COVID-19.

And I'm talking about Kamala Harris, who's Joe Biden's new pick for Vice President. But first of all, let's go to Rebecca Dan and Minow in the Chaser Newsroom. Donald Trump has told AIDS he can't decide between sexism and racism as the best way to attack Kamala Harris. Insiders say they briefly considered using both racism and sexism, but that was dismissed as being too confusing for his supporters. As the White House race intensifies, there are mounting fears that Democrats could dig up old tweets by Donald Trump

that are deeply offensive and problematic. Republican strategists fear that old tweets from Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday will resurface, casting Donald Trump in a bad light. The NRL is facing a new sex scandal as one player was forced to address rumours he has only been shagging his wife. NRL officials denied claims the player in question was in a happy and mutually respectful marriage. The player will face the judiciary next week to address the claims.

That's the latest Chaser news. Check out chaser.com.com for all the latest. Thanks, Beck. Hey, Beck, you live in Sydney, and the COVID numbers keep growing there. Are you looking forward to the inevitable lockdown 2.0? I'll be all right, actually. I've been preparing for this sort of situation for years. You mean you've been stockpiling food? No, living in Sydney just means you're used to not going out. Fair enough.

The Chaser Report, news a few days after it happens. The Chaser Report is brought to you by The Masked Singer, where prospective contestants were asked one question. Can you wear a mask? The Chaser Report. Now with extra whispers. So guys, in the space of the last two minutes, I have received two emails from Donald Trump,

both of which are titled. Have a look at the title. Kamala is horrible in capital H-O-R-I-B-L-E. He's pretty consistent, isn't he? I remember within like a minute or two of Biden announcing that Kamala Harris is going to be his running mate, He said, she's so nasty. She was so nasty to poor Judge Kavanaugh, the rapist.

Oh, but he's, you know, she's the nasty one in that scenario. The email reads like it's a shit sheet in a sort of, I don't know, running for school captain or something. Yeah, he reads an email? Because I've just caught a few words, and it sounds pretty funny. Kamala Harris is the meanest, most horrible, most disrespectful, most liberal of anyone in the U.S. Senate, and I cannot believe that Joe Biden would pick her is running meat.

Oh my God. It sounds like that mean girl speech where she's like, Regina George is a fugly slut. Oh my God. And look at this. So for one hour only, this is all highlighted in the email. All gifts to his campaign will be matched 700%. By whom? I don't know.

I don't actually understand the matching thing. But yeah, I think we're presumably not by Donald Trump himself because these are tight ass. Well, Donald Trump likes matching with Eastern Europeans. So it's probably 700% from Putin. I love it. You can actually, it actually does the maths for you. Contribute $20 is equal to a $160 contribution. Oh, I'm not, and there's that like scrolling gif of all the money that he's received.

That's a very strange thing to put in an email like a little video because that's not a live update. No. strangely, all the names of the people who have contributed look like white people. I don't know why that is. Larry. Amy, Mark. Isn't the major objection to Kamala, Harris, that she is by no means the most liberal senator. And in fact, if anything, she's moderate and a bit dull.

Well, I think this is the whole problem that the Trump campaign faces, which is they can't actually work out how to attack Kamala. So on the one hand, you've got, you know, Trump saying he's the meanest. What is she, the most horrible, most liberal, most liberal of all those things. Very nasty. And in actual fact, moments after she got announces Joe Biden's running mate, They actually launched an ad on national television. Kamala Harris ran for president by rushing to the radical left,

embracing Bernie's plan for socialized medicine, calling for trillions and new taxes, attacking Joe Biden for racist policies. Voters rejected Harris. They smartly spotted a phony. But not Joe Biden. He's not that smart. Biden calls himself a transition candidate.

He is handing over the reins to Kamala while they jointly embrace the radical left. Joe and phony Kamala. Perfect together. Wrong for America. So many questions. So many questions. Is she phony? Or is she a real lefty?

But what I really want to know is why in the middle of a pandemic which has killed 165,000 Americans is socialized medicine not popular? Well, this is my question. Her policies appear to be free healthcare for all, according to this is, according to the Trump campaign, more taxes on the rich. Nightmare. And for racists. To be attacked.

No, man. Wow. So. I like Trump's version of Carmelah more than I like the real version of Carmelah. Yeah, exactly. Don't you think, though, to an extent, I feel like they had this script, like, you know, about whoever would be VP. Exactly.

Elizabeth Warren or whoever. And then they just were like inserted Carmelah Harris's name in there and just read the exact same script they would about any other VP. Yeah, because they can't attack Biden. That's what the subject of that is, is that Biden's really moderate. We can't really lay a finger on. but his VP, she's terrible. Yes, that is it, isn't it?

So let's have a look at, you know, some of the policies behind Kamala Harris. She actually had a policy when she was in the attorney in California of jailing parents of school kids who truanted, who skipped school. And here's a video of her talking about the experience. And I believe a child going without an education is tantamount to a crime.

So I decided I was going to start prosecuting parents for truancy. Well, this was a little controversial in San Francisco. Yeah, so she's laughing about jailing. People in jail. Yeah, she's really... Isn't she a bleeding heart liberal? Isn't that such a... Yeah.

But not just that. She also opposes releasing prisoners from jail because she says that prisoners are a cheap source of labour for the state and so they should keep them in jail because there's lots of work to be done for the state. What do you think about it? Is that a bit too radical for you? I mean, I think she's on the wrong ticket.

Can you imagine if she had a program that all the prisoners should just go and work at Trump hotels, changing the linen that, you know, the Russian prostitutes have peed on and mixing drinks for Republican parties and so on, massaging Donnie? Yeah, maybe Trump, maybe the reason Trump so. you know, worried about Kamala Harris is because he wanted her for his ticket. Yeah, maybe it's just a jealousy thing that he's lashing out, like a reverse psychology thing. And that explains the email as well.

Kamala Harris is horrible. I don't love her at all. He's nagging her. That's what it's called, isn't it? When you're really mean to someone because you secretly like them. What's on Malania. So you're saying that she's not liberal at all. She's actually, if anything, a Republican.

Yes. No, that is exactly what I'm saying. and but I think what has happened here is my read of it is that actually they didn't expect Carmelah Harris to be the pick at all. Yeah, I personally didn't. I expected Elizabeth Warren. Yeah, I thought. Well, and Fox News.

In fact, Tucker Coulson actually called it the night before. He said, it's going to be Susan Rice. It's definitely Susan Rice. She's in the bag and then spent half an hour bagging out Susan Rice. And then he just, he actually admitted that he'd got it completely wrong. Camela Harris has been the frontrunner for months. Mm, for months. Yes.

Right. So no one saw this coming. No, no one. No, no, honestly, they really. And so you can tell from the talking points that they just don't know how to attack her. Listen to Tucker Carlson attacking Harris now. There are timeshare salesmen you would trust more than Camilla Harris. Yeah, see, well, first of all, he doesn't even know her name.

It's not Camela Harris. It's Camela Harris. But also, you know, the whole untrustworthy thing, it just doesn't, you know, Like, it sounds like that was actually written about Susan Rice and then they swapped in the name. But also, he's talking on Fox News, which is full of 80-year-olds who love timeshare salesmen. Exactly.

But then Tucker Carlson sort of broke ranks with everyone else because he then described... Read her policies. He wrote her policies. Cheap labor. But then sort of when suggested that actually she was backed by the establishment and the whole problem with her was not that she was a radical, left. But in fact, voters may not like Camilla Harris, but Wall Street does. Just in case you're

wondering who is actually in charge. What? Yeah. So they just don't know how to attack her. On the one hand, she's the most liberal socialist radical ever. On the other hand, by Wall Street. Love by Wall Street. Anyway, point is the Republicans have no idea how to attack this ticket. So clearly, the only way they're going to be able to win is to steal the election. So luckily, that's what will happen. Hopefully. Biggs cross. The Chaser Report.

Less news. Less often. Okay, so Dom and Charles, I don't know what kind of music you listen to, but if you follow Rappers. Oh, Mozart. Oh, Mozart. Okay. And Charles, do you want to... Oh, yeah, a little bit earlier than Motta.

Maybe Vivaldi, Pelleman, that's sort of thing. Oh, that's so depressing. Okay. If you follow Cardi B and Megan the Stallion, you would know their brand new track, WAP, dropped this week. So WAP is WAP, and if you don't know, it stands for wet-ass pussy. and the song has gone viral. I don't know if, have you guys heard it yet.

I have, but can I just clarify, because I don't know, does it mean a pussy that is wet ass or does that mean a wet ass and pussy? I honestly, I think it's, it could be both. Oh, well, it's clearly about a wet ass pussy, isn't it? Like, it's saying wet ass meaning like very wet. Yes, okay. Yeah, yeah, I think that's definitely. I haven't heard about this.

You haven't heard about, well. But it's what the cool kids are talking about, is it? Oh, absolutely. Yeah, right, okay. Me being very cool. I know all about it. I know all the lyrics. But I might just play a bit of it for you now.

First of all, I just want to issue a bit of a language warning. So don't Charles cover your ears if you're easily offended. Now, get your boots, hand your coat for this wet-ass pussy. He bought a phone just for pictures of this wet-ass pussy. Pay my tuition just to kiss me on this wet-ass pussy. Now make it rain if you want to see some wet-ass pussy. I mean, it's very reminiscent of Mozart, isn't it? Ina Klein a wet-ass pussy

One of his favourite But I saw the video of this Because my wife told me about it Because she is also cool Pop culture correspondent But the version that we saw Is sensitive one where it goes wet as gushy And it's like what is that

I didn't even know what they meant at all Oh yeah that's this radio edit is wet and gushy Which to my mind is like 10 times worse Yeah It's so visceral like what gushy I don't even know what gushy means But I don't like it No, no, that's horrible.

But what do you think, Charles? What do you think about this? This has gone viral, has it? Yeah, so it's kind of like, in some ways, an anthem about women's empowerment. Not necessarily women's empowerment, but I guess, like, it's a response to the way that, like, men often rap about women in these really graphic details. It's a feminist text, isn't it? It's a feminist anthem. It is.

You're right. This is, like, you know, working nine to five was for, you know, your generation. Yeah, 1960s generation. Not my generation. But, you know, it's the Dolly Parton of the modern era. Yeah. After so many years of listening to male rappers talking about their dicks, I think it's about time.

And female genitalia got a little bit back. Yes. Me too. But a lot of people have disagreed with you there, Dom, including a lot of conservatives from the US, like Ben Shapiro. Oh, no. Just for reference, that bit that I played was one of the cleaner bits of the song. And Ben Shapiro actually went on.

on his podcast and how to go up rapping the really filthy lyrics himself. Oh my god, because Ben Shapiro would make anything moist a desert instantly, right? Yeah, absolutely. He really takes this from feminist anthem to just... Please tell me you've got a clip of him doing it. Oh yeah. Play it dumb. I said certified freaks seven days a week. Wet ass P-word. Make that pull-out game week. Yeah, you effin with some wet-ass P-word. P-word is female genitalia.

That's Ben Shapiro's very dry. rendition. I think my balls have shiveled and gone up inside my body again. Also, I love his insistence that he will not say pussy. Like, he just constantly is like wet ass, P-word. And why did he, why did he do this? Why did he? Well, I guess he's, he's outraged by it?

He's out offended by it. Look, yeah, outraged is probably a better word. And so he wants to amplify so that everyone knows about it. All his followers know about it. I think he was just disgusted by the lyrics. He didn't see them as fair. You've got this strange feeling inside of him. Am I slightly aroused?

He felt something for one of his life. But he tried to mock the song by saying like, this is what the feminist movement was all about. It's not really about women being treated as independent, full around human beings. It's about wet-ass P-word. So his concern is for women. Well, that's nice.

Yeah. And so he's telling women what they should do to be feminists. Yeah. That's very feminist. I really think he should release a full song. man-splaining what they should have done. I think that would be a huge hit. Yeah, but do you think having a wet-ass P-word is a feminist issue?

Well, yeah. So I think it's central to feminism is to have a wet-ass pussy. So I can't think of any issue more central than... Having a wet-ass pussy. I'd go further than that. I would think that men should also be extremely concerned about wet-ass pussies. Like, that's part of the job. It's an equal world.

It's that way that feminism, improves lives, not just for men, but for women as well. Like, for everyone. Yeah. I think if we're all wetter, it would be, it would be paradise in this world. But I guess would you have any tips on how Cardi B and Meg could have made WAP more conservative friendly? Yes.

Like, what could they have done so that Ben Shapiro wasn't so horrified at the lyrics? Well, Donald Trump would have sent out an email saying, you know, nasty wet ass pussy. Well, is his objection that it's wet? Like, what if you just had a version which was sort of dry bony pussy or something? Yeah, maybe. Is that more of a conservative pussy? I don't know. Or wet ass just holding hands innocently?

Yeah. Oh, yeah, okay. That might be it. Wet ass, no sex before marriage. Wet ass dry humping. Wet ass promise ring. But surprising to me, so Ben Shapiro's wife also weighed in, which I was shocked. I was like, if this guy has a wife.

And he's letting her speak. Yeah, but apparently she's a doctor. And so she claimed, because one of the lyrics is get a bucket and a mop for this wet ass pussy, she claimed that the two rappers probably have a medical condition and she diagnosed them with bacterial vaginiosis, yeast infection and trichomonas. So do you think that is something rap music should be more concerned with?

To be fair, I didn't watch the video, and I felt there was a lot of trichomoning going on. Has she never heard of? of metaphor? Is this the problem? Yeah, she'll take your metaphor and she'll give it a swab, Charles. That's what she'll do. Mind you, I must say, if it is literally true that they need a bucket and a mop for the

wet-ass pussy, then I think that probably she has a point. I think that, you know, if your pussy is weeping that much. No, I was impressed. I was like, you know, especially when you start getting older, things start drying up. I don't know how old Cardi and Mega, but I'm just very like, I'm like, good on you. Go, girl. I love this. No lube for them. It's like quite economical, actually. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, frankly, I mean, our ears need lube to listen to Ben Shapiro at this point. That's true. But Ben Shapiro wasn't the only person to outrage. A Republican governor from California called James P. Bradley also weighed in and tweeted, this new song, The Whap, in brackets, which I heard accidentally, made me want to pour holy water into my ears. And I feel sorry for future girls if this is their role model. Well, you know what, Nina, if you pour holy water into your ear, ears, you're going to have you some wet ass ears. Maybe that should have been the song.

Make sure you take your bucket and mop with you. Yeah, for the holy water that you spill on your ears. That's actually a great alternative. Accidentally listening to the song. Praise be. Anyway, I'll finish with one more question because I've been playing this song on repeat personally and I feel like I've been learning a lot from it. And one of the lyrics is macaroni in a pot, wet ass pussy.

And I heard that and I was like, what does macaroni have to do? with the wet-ass P-word. And I want to throw it to you guys to see if you know. Well, I mean, it's got the same consistency, doesn't it? Like a nice... No! Chal's... Wet macaroni.

You know, nice and warm. I don't think macaroni... Don't do that. No, don't do that. It's sludgy fingers, Charles. That's disgusting. Charles is figuring the macaroni right now. Is your objection that, you know, like, would it be better if it was wet cuss-cus?

Like, it... No. Well, the answer I was looking for is that the sound, you know when you have macronin a pot and you kind of like skip it up and it makes a squishing sound. That's apparently the sound of good pussy. So that's one you can take home. Well, I'm going to view Italian males in a different light now. The Chaser Report.

More news. Less often. This episode is brought to you by the masked singer, where the contestants are more recognizable with their masks on. Striving for mediocrity in a world of Excellence, this is The Chase of Report. Now, Charles Nanda, it is time to look at the terrible, terrible news happening right around the world with a segment we call COVID Watch.

And look, I know COVID Watch has been a bit bleak in recent weeks as, you know, coronavirus has spread through Victoria in the world. A number of cases and deaths keeps going up. So I thought I would start this segment with some genuinely good news, guys. Oh, good. Oh, fantastic. There is a vaccine for COVID-19. What a relief.

Yeah, we can go outside now. We are all safe. We can all start coughing on each other again. Thank God. Yeah, my favourite thing to do. And no surprises. It comes from humanity's greatest benefactor. Jesus Christ.

No, Vladimir Putin. Ah. Nice going to come near Zius, no. Russian President Vladimir Poo. Putin is saying that his country is now the first in the world to approve a coronavirus vaccine, which is expected to be put into mass production by the end of the year. We're saved. We're all fine. Vladimir has our asses. Okay. And how's it going to be administered? Is this going to be, you know, administered by an umbrella or something?

No, I feel like he's going to be punched into us. Yeah. Is this why people have been falling out of windows recently in Russia? Now, look, come on. Give him me. break. He's done something great for humanity. Now, some skeptics have accused the Russians of rushing the science on these to claim victory and a boost for Russia's national pride

that Putin wants to stick it to the West. I say, surely not. Russia calls its vaccines, Sputnik V for vaccine. A not so subtle reference to its first victory in the early space race. The Kremlin insists its vaccine is safe and mass distribution

will begin in October. So suck at West, Russia number one. How about that? Yeah. Okay. So are you going to take it, Dom? Well, maybe not quite. They haven't done a whole lot of tests. They've done 38 so far. 38 tests. 38 people. 38 people. But don't worry, because Putin is backing this pretty heavily. Vladimir Putin's own daughter has reportedly received the vaccine developing the virus's antibodies. But Russia has not yet published any of its scientific data and has not begun critical phase three human trials.

I'm not sure that in me, Putin, likes his daughter very much. Wait a minute. They haven't done the trials, but they've released it anyway. So they've done 38 people, the first phase. One of them was his daughter. And so far she's apparently still alive. I feel like this is exactly the sort of proactive action that has been missing in Australia.

I think, you know, Daniel Andrews, the whole problem with him is he hasn't been releasing untested vaccines. And trying them on his family. Yeah. Yeah, and I feel like, you know, Vladimir Putin's going on that very, you know, strong Trump route, which is if he doesn't release the scientific evidence, then there's no evidence that it could be bad or not work. There is not a single shred of evidence, Don, that this doesn't work. Absolutely.

And that will come shortly after it comes out in October. Now, look, while we're talking epic success with COVID-19, we're on a positive note. Let's head to NZ where they haven't had any COVID cases for weeks. Well, until yesterday, when in response to four cases of COVID-19, four new cases, Jacinda Arden returned the country to nationwide level two restrictions and in Auckland where the outbreak happened level three. So that means four cases, she shut everything down,

you've got to stay at home, got to work from home, and wear masks in public. Does that seem way more cautious than us? Yeah, well, in fairness, she's actually good at leading her country, Don. Oh. I mean, it's apples and oranges. It just wouldn't happen here. Yeah, because our country, no one cares about people in this country.

Yeah, as long as it doesn't affect the economy. But look, they're not entirely sure where this outbreak came from. It's a bit of a mystery. There were no cases for ages. But they're looking closely at a frozen storage warehouse in Mount Wellington in Auckland, a confusing name, actually. It's set to undergo testing for COVID. And the worry is that the virus arrived on refrigerated freight sent from overseas

and then spread to staff. Now, I don't know how this could have happened, but maybe the name of the facility is a little bit of a hint. It's called AmeriCold. Oh. So it came from America and the virus survived by being frozen. Like the movie Jurassic Park. Yeah, I was going to say it's like Encino Man.

This is such a great plot twist. Yeah. That's brilliant. We should totally, I mean, I hope, like, it should also, it should be a dinosaur. It should also defrost a dinosaur. and then suddenly that starts killing New Zealanders as well. Well, I haven't finished filming the next Jurassic World yet. So maybe it could be this.

But so there's five more cases now. It's up to nine. So there's a bit of a serious outbreak. What do you think is it over for them? I mean, this is just an ordinary day in New South Wales, though. And in Victoria, they'd love to have nine cases. But isn't the lesson that it's going to end up to be like Victoria and everyone's stuff? And I sort of think, you know, and this is a bit controversial,

but I kind of think New Zealanders have been smug for a hundred days. It's sort of their turn. They kind of deserve it, really. They deserve nine people getting coronavirus. Don't you reckon they just deserve a bit of bad luck like the rest of us? They have been a tainty-wintsy-wit-smug, it's true. Oh, we've got a really good leader who does things. Don't worry, Jacinda Arden.

Don't worry, Kiwis, because there's a Russian vaccine. Now, a little bit of sad news. Things had to take a turn for the worst in this segment. Heading to W.A. now, where the micro-nation, the Hutt River Province, which has existed for more than 50 years, a little farm that the farmer said, no, we're not part of Australia anymore. It's shut down. It's shut down after 50 years of pretending to be an independent country.

And it's either because their economy is collapsed because tourists aren't turning up wanting a stamp in the passport from Hutt River, or the ATO's just chasing the $2 million plus tax bill pretty hard. What do you reckon it was? Oh, it'll be COVID that got them. They're their own nation. They don't need tax bills. It's just total rubbish.

Yeah, they meet their own laws. They can do whatever they want. I mean, so many highlights, like the time that Prince Leonard in response to a tax bill declared war in Australia. This was 11 years before he started the Hutt River Province Defence Force, mind you. I thought that they'd resolved all that. And they lived in sort of harmony, a bit like, you know, France and Germany did in the 1930s. Well, I think basically, the ATO just kept sending, you know how they just never stopped.

They just send you letter after letter after letter. And they just stop opening, they never opened the letters. And now it's two million bucks. It was probably 50 bucks for a parking fine or something at the start. But surely they're royalty, so they can afford it. Yeah. With all that, no. Look, Hart River Province, independent country.

On one hand, on the other hand, it's just a shit little farm. But how does it dissolve anyway? Like, what's going to happen to it? It's just going to be part of Australia, like in fact it always was. I think we should invade. It's invade. Let's do it. And finally, our highlight of every COVID watch, the rule breakers,

and there have been some epic efforts this week. There's a curfew on in Melbourne, as we know, from 8pm to 5am. But a group of students feeling themselves successfully going on a late night, Mac has run. They posted the video themselves doing it with the James Bond theme in the background, which begs the question, why does everyone film themselves breaking the rules, Neander? That's how they get caught. I don't know.

I think that's a terrible idea. But maybe it's like, you know, they think they're like a John Dillinger, you know, like cool Ned Kelly criminal. They definitely thought that because one student says, who does late night macas serve? The other person says, it serves us, the heroic people. You sure it wasn't? I thought they were going to say like, the Batman or something.

Well, they were wearing masks and, like, full-body outfits and so on. It was a pretty, and it's actually a good lesson because the Maccas had a sign on the door saying, you know, Uber Eats Collectors only. And they just had shitty backpacks. They looked like Uber collectors. So you're in Melbourne and you want some sweet Maccas, just dressed like an Uber person. But they got caught, Don. Well, they put it on the internet. And then the final line, so they did a victory dance, went back to their apartment.

And then the last bit of the viewers, the student says, this is why Melbourne's restriction. restrictions are like a fart. Are Melbourne's restrictions like a fart? Yeah, I feel like, no, I feel like coronavirus is like a fart. You know, it's silent but deadly. And never goes away. Other rule breakers in Melbourne now, police has handed a property late at night, where they located a man who was away from his home. And he said that he'd gone to this place to practice his DJ skills. Is that a valid excuse? Yeah, you know, when you practice your DJ skills, you got to leave the house. Because otherwise, other people might hear your terrible DJing. In fact, that's actually a certain. to the people that you live with.

I've got this theory. It was actually our boat. What do you think, Charles? Is DJing a legit reason? Well, if you feel the need to partay, then I think, yeah, that's an essential service, isn't it? Do you reckon he told his wife, I need to partay? She said, fuck off. Police also found a man sitting in his car, you know, Mariburton car park.

He was more than 5Ks from his home, so breaking the rules. When asked why he was there, he told police that his housemate's intimate partner was over. they were being too loud and needed to get a bit of peace. Have you guys ever needed to escape housemates getting it on? The awkwardness of that? I put a glass to the door and I just listen to the action. I'm kidding. I don't do that. Yeah, he should have just joined in.

Yeah. Also, like, if he can't handle it, I don't know, serves him right for being approved, I guess. But more than 5Ks away. Like, is that a good distance if you're trying to... Like, we all need a bit of space from our housemate sometime with a new lover in the house. I mean, these are all very sad stories, Don. It feels to me like Melbourne's collapsing. People just want their own space.

People just want to go out and do their own DJing or get in the car and stop hearing the couple having sex. This is really sad. Poor people. Like, he should just be let off. I've got a solution, though, for that man. I think there should be, like, if there are a lot of people annoyed at their, you know, housemates having loud sex,

there should be a bonk ban after 8 p.m. Yes. So curfew at 8pm, bonk ban after 8 p.m. Keep your pants on Melbourne. Now finally. What if you've got a wet-ass pussy, pussy. You can only wet-ass pussy ban after 8 p.m. Oh, wow, good.

Sorry, but you've got to put some dry shampoo on that shit. Soak it up after that. But the lionest excuse of the week, there were four men in a parked car in Flemington during the curfew hours. Police said, what are you doing? And they said, just chilling? We're just chilling? You know, that's, that's, you know, it's honest.

I appreciate, and I those, I appreciate those kids for their, their honesty. Yes, but they're disease vectors, Nina. Like, you can't just chill. This is a pandemic. I mean, yeah. Now, now that we know coronavirus comes from freezer blocks, we're just chilling is one of the most dangerous things you can do. It is chilling.

The biggest COVID violation of the week, I think we can all agree. Came from a Channel 7 reporter by the name of Gary Dowsley. Have a listen. The man called here who just wanted a packet of cigarettes. You can imagine now he has a pack of cigar regrets. Ah, terrible. I'm thinking we should send him to Russia and give him Vladimir Putin's vaccine. The Chaser Report.

News you know you can't trust. This episode is brought to you by the masked singer. They can't sing. They're not very famous, but they sure are. Masky? None of the medical advice contained in the Chaser Report. should legally be considered medical advice. The Chaser Report.

That's all we have time for today. Hang on. Not again. There's late-breaking news from Rebecca Day and Emuno. Oh my God. News just in. Anti-mask protesters have come up with a new plan to evade being recognised in videos of them.

From now on, anti-maskers will be covering their faces to avoid detection. Okay, well, that's the end of the show. Check us out at chaser.com. today. You, uh, we're now on Instagram Reels. Uh, we just, we put, posted our first video on Instagram Reels the other day. Oh, is just in case TikTok goes down? Yeah, in case TikTok gets banned. We got 225,000 views on, on, on, um, Instagram Reels. So it's, how many of them were you

clicking refresh? About 224,000. Uh, we're also, yeah, we're on TikTok. What else are we on? We're on, um, Facebook, Twitter. There must be, um, it must be. have a better... Yeah, there's another thing. Charles's from mobile phone number is 0-419-282-1-8. Thanks to our producer, Mike Liberali, and we're going to leave you with... And as we mentioned at the beginning of the show,

Kerry Ann Kenley has left Studio 10, so we thought it would be fitting to put together a bit of a package to remember all her greatest hits. This will be short. Carrie Ann Kenley, strangely angry, rich woman. We remember that time you.

slut-shamed a fellow presenter. Did you forget your pants today? It's a play suit. And then doubled down on it. And she's going to be thirsty. And that time you suggested running over climate protesters by using them as speed bumps.

Leave them there and you just put little witch's hats around them and try, oh, use them as a speed bump. Or starving them to death. Put them in jail and forget to feed them. The way you'd say racist things about indigenous people. Children, babies, five-year-olds are being raped, their mothers

are being raped, their sisters are being raped. And then immediately say it doesn't mean you're racist. Just because I have a point of view, you mean I'm racist. We'll miss you denying things you've literally just said. I did not say that.

Carrie Ann, you're a survivor. And on one thing, we can agree. To survive, you don't have to be the most intelligent. When it comes to your career, you said it best. Companies do these sort of cuts to make the business better. Channel 10, you've made your business so much better. Kerry Ann Kennelly, you won't be missed, but you will be forgotten. Thank you.